Serial Drama

Watching A Quality Soap Feels So Weird To Me These Days...

In the six decades (I round up) since I last wrote about The Young and the Restless*, the show's new-fangled experiment with goodness has continued, making for some actual entertainment. Legitimate entertainment, I mean, not the kind of entertainment where you only have fun if you play a drinking game.

*Before I continue, I do apologize for the Y&R hiatus. Part of it is that I have been enjoying it so much that it's hard to write about, especially since first and foremost on my mind is "Why can't I be as good as these writers?!?!?!" I have the same problem writing about The Office. But also, sometimes real life gets in the way and it's hard to juggle my schedule of school and soaps and James Franco-stalking. I am way busy! And while I appreciate that a bunch of you emailed me about Y&R, the fastest way to get me to not do something is to be obnoxious about it and tell me that there is something wrong with me for not blogging about it or that I am lazy. You know that saying about flies, honey and vinegar? Yeah, that. ANYWAY, all I ask is for for a little patience with me. Patience or pictures of Peter Bergman. Whichever.  

The big story of late has been Brad's death. Who knew, a couple of years ago, that Brad would ease up on his chokehold of Y&R airtime and die, and that I'd be sad about it? I never thought I'd become fond of him, but in the past couple of months, I've developed a soft spot for that arrogant, secretly Jewish jerk with the freakishly immobile face.

Eric Braeden gave a very interesting interview and had this to say about Don Diamont's fate:

I was very sad about that, to be quite frank with you. He did some of his best work in the last months, where he played the ‘shifty’ guy and the bad guy and you don’t know quite what he is up to. I think he played that extremely well. I always think that’s a mistake to let people go that have been part of the fabric as long as he has been. Furthermore, he was related to people on the show, and personally, I think those things are a mistake. If you want to want to save money, then cut down on hiring new actors.

Word up, Eric Braeden.

Aside from the fact that it sucks on principle that Brad got fired and so many lesser characters roam Genoa City, I feel like killing Brad off is a huge mistake. Why can't people just leave town?

Also, he wound up frozen.

Traci: Besides, you got your payback-- all those names you used to call him?

Jack: The hedge clipper. Junior. Golden boy. Bradski.

Traci: You were incorrigible.

Jack: And now I got a new one-- the Bradcicle.

Ouch. And also, hee.

Well, at least he died a hero, saving Noah. A frozen hero, but a hero nonetheless.

Let's take a moment and reflect on the genius that was Brad's 80s self:

RIP Brad Carlton. RIP.

A Tree Grows In Port Charles

And this tree grows up to save babies in snowstorms.

Christian Bale goes all shouty crackers at a DP because he was distracting him while filming a robot movie. Um, Christian, call me back when you play a smart, well-educated doctor and daughter of superspies who puts her kid in a tree for safe keeping. A fidgety DP doesn't sound so bad now, does it?

Seriously, if anybody doubted the professionalism of Kimberly McCullough, Kirsten Storms and Brandon Barash, this scene proves that they are gems! Their performances are far, far better than the material deserves. I wouldn't have blamed any of them for a profanity-laced tirade or refusing to perform the scene and opting instead to solemnly intone "Fight the real enemy", whilst tearing a photo of Bob Guza in half.

Sometimes, you're left with nothing to say but ???!!!???!???!?!?!???

If My Head Explodes Because Of This Show, Do You Think I Could Sue?

Reese: Come on. God, you know what, honey? I think about all the times that I sat by her hospital bed for months, holding her hand, praying for her that she'd get better, and what? She wakes up now and suddenly I'm her enemy?

Bianca: No, no --

Reese: Bianca, how are we going to get married? All we have been talking about for months is wanting Kendall's blessing. So how are we supposed to walk down the aisle without it? You know what? You know, the truth of the matter is that -- the truth is, we'd all just be better if she hadn't --

I swear to God, this crazy, clingy, vapid, effing twit better end that sentence with "...been born with such amazingly glossy, curly hair, because she's giving the entire world a massive inferiority complex" or else I will go postal.

My Hart Will Go On

It is downright embarrassing how long I could continue making heart/Hart puns...

In celebration of Kendall (FINALLY) waking up from her coma, SOAPNet is rewarding her with a marathon of her very own!

Starting tomorrow, Saturday February 7th at 3 PM, we are in for four hours of Kendallicious goodness. On the agenda:

3PM –Newly returned to town and clad in a towel, Kendall spars with her new neighbor, Ryan. Then, much to her delight, her mother Erica is carted off by the police for violating her bail zone when she comes to talk to Kendall.

4PM – Bianca and Ryan are incredulous at Kendall's announcement that she's pregnant. Later, an emotional Kendall explains to Bianca why she's lying.

5PM – Kendall offers to be a surrogate for Greenlee.

6PM - Love and romance are in the air as Kendall and Zach prepare to divorce.

I am kind of totally excited...

I Couldn't Contain It (My Boredom, That Is)

It's terribly fitting, isn't it, that one could answer the question "What's the non-sweeps stunt on GH about?" with "...balls". It's factual AND descriptive!

Yes, another General Hospital stunt has, to the surprise of absolutely no one, been terrible, in every conceivable way. We all knew it would be terrible; after all, we've lived through over a decade's worth of Guza's stunt plots (I feel like calling them plots is giving them far too much credit, but "hastily conceived of and poorly written ideas slapped together with no rhyme or reason" takes too long to type) (and also, ohmigod, how sad is it that this man has been getting paid to ruin this show for more than ten years?), so the real question was how terrible it would be. And I have to admit, it has kind of exceeded my expectations in terms of badness, mostly because I don't understand a lot of it.

I admit this with great reservation, as it is awfully embarrassing to be on the record as being confused by stories written by Bob Guza & Co., but it's true: There are numerous things about this show that I don't understand, the first and foremost being, obviously, why the eff do I still watch?

WHY are they using the song "Breathe (2 AM)" by Anna Nalick in endlessly aired promos for this show? For starters, it's old, and not in the fun "old enough to be retro" way, just "is it 2005 again and no one told me?". And it was also used multiple times on Grey's Anatomy, and you know what I always say: when you brazenly copy something, you don't need to copy EVERYTHING about it. Okay, I've never actually said that, and it could stand to be a little catchier, but STILL.

HOW did Mark Pinter manage to deliver this line with a straight face?

Inspector Rayner:Well, look, I'm sorry, Mr. Jax, but we can't allow civilians to interfere in emergencies.

ORLY, Inspector Rayner?

I mean, I know, heaven forbid we have a story where Jason isn't the central focus, the voice of reason and the greatest hero to ever live. I'd never suggest anything quite so ludicrous. But couldn't they have involved him in a way that wasn't quite so ham-fisted and, um, crappy?

I'm Sorry To Bother You, But Are You Aware That Your Show Sucks?

Well, by now you've probably heard the big Days of Our Lives news:

Soap Opera Digest has learned exclusively that the super popular Mary Beth Evans (Kayla) and Stephen Nichols (Steve), who returned to the show in 2006, have been let go. "It's like they're getting rid of everyone over 40," sighs a setside source.

Yes, it is like that.  But that makes total sense, because younger viewers are tuning in in DROVES (what with there being no other forms of media to attract them) and women in their 30s through 60s hate soap operas and never watch them!

I refuse to be all "Sob!  When Steve and Kayla are gone I will be too!  There is almost no reason not to boycott television, end my life, and/or start watching Guiding Light!" Because 1) I mocked people who did that about John and Marlena, 2) I get paid to watch this show, so my threats would be empty, and 3) come on, there is no reason on earth to watch Guiding Light.  But . . . without getting all uber-dramatic about it, this could very possibly signal the end of Salem, you guys.  Because what's left is either terrible or is tainted by what's terrible, and I see no signs of anything improving.

Who Knew That ABC Was So Charitable?

For the second time in as many months, ABC has released a promo for All My Children that explicitly shows pretty much everything that's going to happen during their latest attempt at a shocking storyline. First, they aired a promo showing Josh's robbery/death/heart donation weeks before any of it actually aired. And now, again, there's a new ad spotlighting everything to come, which pretty much makes watching the actual show pointless.

Perhaps fearing for the sanity of the All My Children watching public, knowing  that exposure to the stories taking place during sweeps will undoubtedly cause us anguish, ABC has decided to spoil the upcoming events for us to spare us the pain of actually watching.

Perhaps they are not doing it to be kind, but instead to save themselves from the prospect of a massive class action lawsuit filed by AMC viewers who were driven insane by watching full episodes of upcoming events.

Perhaps the ABC promo department is just as inept as everybody else involved in this clusterfuck of a network.

I don't know. All I know is that I know exactly what's coming up on this show and all of it is terrible.

The extremely spoiler-y promo, equal parts rage-inducing and unintentionally funny, is below:

At the very least, I am looking forward to new and exciting ways to say "HATE" and "awful". I will be watching with a thesaurus handy and, at some point, will probably have to start making words up.

Curse You, Jane Elliot!

At least twice per episode, I declare, after being bewildered/angered/bored to tears by whatever is happening on screen (like, say, a hospital being quarantined because of a toxin and the local MAFIA BOSS/HIRED KILLER is the one in charge of building security), that I am THROUGH with General Hospital. "I'm DONE," I say, either in emails to Beccaor aloud to whoever happens to be in my vicinity. "I can't do it anymore! Uncle! Mercy! You win, Guza. Mallory Out!"

And, yet, I never follow through on these melodramatic threats. It's partially a misguided sense of loyalty to a show that doesn't deserve it. It's partially habit. But a big part of it is that if I stop watching, I will miss the televised goodness of Jane Elliot doing what she does best: being awesome.

I mean, what if I had quit, for real, and missed today's episode and this amazing union of Tracy Quartermaine and Awesome Writer? It's like they heard the maxim Quartermaine snaps are the best kind of snaps and did their best to prove it correct but also make it kind of an understatement.

Sonny: What do you expect? He's a con.

Edward: Oh, look who's talking.

Tracy: Daddy, Sonny's not a con. He's a thug. There's a difference.

Edward: No, no, no, no. Corinthos, Zacchara, and that one over there drinking -- they're all alike. They're blights on the universe.

Ric: Oh, and we speak so fondly of you. [Dear Rick Hearst, Please leave GH and go to a show that deserves your brilliant line readings. XOXO, Mallory]

Carly: Seriously, you guys are going to bicker the whole time we're in here?

Tracy: Oh, no. We could talk about you.

Carly: And why would you want to do that?

Tracy: Because you are such a fascinating case study. For instance, you destroy everything you touch.

Sonny: Easy, Tracy. [Can it, Weeble]

Carly: No, let her talk [Carly's hubris in thinking that she can play on the Q's level? Adorable! You'd feel bad for how utterly out of her league she is if...well, if she weren't who she is] 

Tracy: As if anybody could stop me. You throw a fundraiser to whitewash Michael's condition and all your guests get poisoned. There must be a metaphor in there somewhere. [And the heavenly choir sings...]

Tracy: Did you just tell me to shut up?

Sonny: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tracy: What's going to happen if i don't? You're gonna break my kneecaps? [Only if you were the one responsible for ruining the transfer of his VHS tapes to DVD, Tracy!]

I especially liked the destruction she left in her wake

  "But...she...I'm Carly! She can't do that!"

  "And then she said all of these words, and I don't know what they mean..."

I know that tuning in everyday for more of Tracy's venomous goodness is pointless because Jane Elliot and Awesome Writer are only allowed on set, like, twice a month. So I will just curse myself for being a sucker and marvel at just how satisfying the Tracy part of this episode was (the rest of the episode? Dreck, obvs).