It's exceedingly rare that there's anything on All My Children to celebrate, let alone three things worthy of celebration, but yesterday's episode was filled with bon mots, truth-telling and passionate declarations that can only be described as righteous.
AIDAN VS. RYAN
Despite the fact that Greenlee's dive off of a cliff was clearly an accident and not nefarious murder, I am enjoying everybody's hysterical assertions that Zach and/or Ryan killed her, if only because it puts to rest the notion that only women can be drama queens.
Aidan, who I once described as foxy yet pointless, has come a long way since his days as dull scenery and his commitment to knocking down Sir Ryan Lavery is commendable and entertaining.
Aidan: You kept on it, didn't you? You kept pushing and pushing and pushing until she finally gave in. Did you give her the perfect future that you promised her? No, you didn't, did you -- because she has no future now, because you killed her.
Melodramatic rage is at its best when directed at Ryan.
Aidan: Oh, nothing's ever your fault because you're always such the perfect hero, aren't you, Ryan? Well, the truth is you ruin everything you touch. First, Gillian, then Annie, and now, Greenlee.
Oh, Aidan! Way to make me swoon! Brutal, succinct and pure truth.
ERICA VS. ZACH
While I understand that Zach was frustrated with Kendall literally shutting him out, I feel like he picked the wrong outlet for said frustration when he stepped to Erica, Erica Kane.
Zach: She can't shut me out.
Erica: I really thought you were different than other men. But you're just like all the rest. You really let me down, Zach.
Zach: You know what -- this has nothing to do with you. It's between me and my wife.
Erica: Oh, really? Well, surely you don't expect me to just stand by and watch while you tear apart both my daughter's lives.
It was a pity that Zach snapped back with:
Zach: What I expect you to do is mind your own business. You don't know what you're talking about.
Because, first of all, you have no idea what kind of weaponry that woman has hidden in her hair. One wiseass remark and you can find yourself on the wrong end of, like, an Uzi.
And also...she's more than a little bit right. Actually, she's one hundred percent right. Zach is at the center of the drama hurting both of her daughters AND he shot her son. Maybe it's just me, but I'd tread lightly if I were Zach.
ERICA VS. REESE
Erica took her act on the road, hitting everybody's least-favorite character with some knowledge. Some harshly worded, over-the-top, deliciously soapy knowledge.
Erica: Yeah, but Bianca never gave up faith. And who did she put her faith in? A selfish, two-timing, home-wrecking slut.
I feel like the only way I would have liked that better is if Erica had used the word tramp or, ideally, harlot.
Erica: Or maybe you used the same twisted logic that saved your sorry rear end in the past. You lied about your past to protect Bianca? So you seduced Zach to, what -- pull this family closer together?
This is why she is a legend, people.
REESE VS. LOGIC
Your wife despises you. Your sister-in-law despises you even more. Your pseudo-quasi-boyfriend dumps you because your relationship ruins more lives than natural disasters. What do you do?
(A) Follow your wife, despite her protestations, because you really want to work things out
(B) Book it to a hotel to give everybody their space
(C) Hang out at your sister-in-law and pseudo-quasi-boyfriend's house
WHAT THE HELL?!
KENDALL VS. REESE
The Kane family's flair for the dramatic is strong, as Kendall and her mother echoed each other's four letter summation of Reese.
Kendall: Yeah, well, if I had been awake, i could have stopped it before it started. Sent Bianca and that stupid slut back to France.
The "stupid" makes it art.
And, upon finding Reese in her home despite the fact that everybody in the combined Kane/Slater family, not to mention the viewing audience, hates her:
Kendall: What are you doing in my house? Don't tell me Zach had the nerve to bring you here.
Reese: No, I have no idea where Zach is. And I haven't figured out where to go.
Kendall: Vive la France.
I imagine that Kendall's health issues are what prevented her from punctuating her thoughts with fisticuffs.
BIANCA VS. REESE
I think that Bianca's confrontation with Reese may be my favorite of all of yesterday's smackdowns, if only because it provided the greatest quips.
Reese: That's not at all what I'm saying.
Bianca: Human beings are complicated, but one thing's not -- fidelity. Fidelity is black and white. It means you don't cheat.
Bianca 1, Reese 0
Reese: Bianca, what i am trying to explain is that --
Bianca: You're a little late. You're just a little late. And maybe you should have mentioned your attraction to Zach's soul before we got married. Maybe you should have thought about what this would mean for our entire lives.
Bianca 2, Reese 0
Reese: Ok, well, you know what? That's all I have been doing for weeks.
Bianca: And yet, you kept me in the dark. Just like your last fiance.
Bianca 3, Reese 0
Bianca: Are you responsible for anything in your life? Hiding huge chunks of your past from me, jumping my brother-in-law in our church before our wedding day.
Bianca 4, Reese 0
Bianca: Are you kidding me right now? You broke our vows before we even said them.
Bianca 5, Reese 0
Bianca: So you just kept rolling along, just trying on wedding dresses and playing bridal bingo. What is wrong with you?
Bianca 705, Reese 0 (Points adjusted due to the sheer awesomeness of name-checking bridal bingo)
Bianca: What is it about him that is so irresistible? You know what? No. I'm -- I'm going to go now. I'm going to go now. I am going to go now, and I'm going to leave you alone, so that you can get ready for Zach. You should change into something sexy, open up a bottle of wine, wait for him to come home so that the two of you can consummate our wedding night.
Bianca Infinity, Reese 0