Serial Drama

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

My Take
By Mallory Harlen

I can't make it through a full episode of AMC without hearing a crazy line of dialogue or seeing an offensive plot twist. Actually, that's being generous; there are some days when I can't make it through a full minute without bad dialogue and plot twists. My respect for the tremendously talented cast grows every day because I'm quite impressed that they manage to film their scenes without laughing or breaking the fourth wall and apologizing to the audience.

The biggest problem of late has been forsaking the show's history to facilitate quick plot twists. Zach fathering Gabrielle behind Kendall's back has generated a lot of discussion amongst AMC fans, but for all the wrong reasons: It was another insane obstacle for the already-tortured Zach/Kendall pairing, and the list of obstacles they have already faced is long enough to defy reason. It ruined Kendall and Bianca's deep bond, which was one of the most fascinating relationships on any soap. Remember their bonding over Miranda, and Kendall sacrificing herself for her sister? And on top of all that, it was just...creepy. Remind me again why Bianca was so desperate to have another Cam bias baby. She is aware that the family's gene pool includes a rapist and serial murderer, right?

Ugh In the Afternoon

In my ongoing effort to explain why General Hospital is the craphole that it is, I thought of, and ultimately rejected several theories: were the writers using Mad Libs to create scripts? No, because these writers obviously aren't cool enough to appreciate the joy of playing Mad Libs. An elaborate game of Truth or Dare with very high stakes? Not even the most depraved of minds would dare someone to do something as horrible as create the role of Winifred. The idea that the writers think this show is actually, like...good was rejected almost immediately because of how patently implausible it is.

I have now started to wonder if the writers are explicitly trying to ruin things that people love. Like, for example, the time that an innocent person said, "I'd probably watch Sarah Brown read the phone book". I feel like today's episode was a direct challenge to that statement. "You say you'd watch her read the phone book, but will you watch her partake in the scenes that redefine the word 'seedy'?" And I will not, okay Guza? Uncle! You win.

Claudia: I need you to get him to the hospital and make sure he gets his stomach pumped. I will distract Sonny.

Johnny: We're going to be carrying dead weight down the stairs. We're bound to make some noise.

Claudia: He won't notice. He's waiting to have sex with me.

Ew.

Claudia: Just tell me what you want, and that is what i'm going to do, ok? Does that sound good, hmm?

Ew.

Sonny: Ok, but don't take long, ok? Because I need it right now.

Can television sets contract chlamydia? I'm seriously concerned!

The Fact That Their Couple Name Is "Zen" Gives the Proceedings an Extra Layer of Irony

Whenever I see the All My Children promo declaring that Kendall is "caught between two good men", I always find myself thinking, "Kendall is in a love triangle with Brot and Petey?! How did I miss that?" before I remember that, in melodramatic soap promo language, "good men" is synonymous with "obnoxious, cruel and/or misogynistic men" and then I can sort of see how Ryan and Zach apply.

If ever there were a need for Kendall to take advice from Kelly Taylor, this is it. KENDALL: CHOOSE YOURSELF. EVERYTHING ELSE IS A LOSE/LOSE SITUATION!

This Show Has Hit The Motherlode

I have not felt compelled to ask this question after the end of a soap Friday in...a really long time but here goes: IS IT MONDAY YET?

How about now? Is it? Because I kind of can't wait.

Kay: Well, take a look. You do not match the woman who was buried in my grave, and you do not match me.

Jill: That's not possible.

Kay: You refuse to see what's been staring you in the face all along. Tests don't lie, Jill. Three tests all telling you the same thing. Deny it if you want for the rest of your life, but you are not my daughter.

I'm not going to lie: even though I knew this twist was coming, I still made a sound that was part "Eeeee!!!!", part giggle and part gasp. I am SO excited by this, which I know is kind of hypocritical, since I am usually vehemently anti-history rewrite, but since this is a rewrite of a rewrite, I feel like there could be a dispensation of some sort.

This is awesome for several reasons:

• It gives the awesome Jeanne Cooper something different, after months (months that felt like years, mind you) of the mistaken identity saga
• It gives the awesome Jess Walton something to do besides sneer at random people and be a day player (and how much better does her hair look than it did last week?!)
• It erases the lame twist that made Katherine and Jill mother and daughter in the first place, which came out of nowhere, was stupid and defanged both of them, which leads nicely to...
• Jill and Katherine. Enemies. At each other's throats. I am already kvelling.

DISCLAIMER: I reserve the right to pretend that I never wrote the above if it turns out that Katherine's daughter is actually Gloria, because I'd have lived the rest of my days with Kay and Jill being boring, background mother/daughter if it meant that Gloria was not inserted into yet another story in an effort to one up the rest of Genoa City.

Given the Opportunity, This Show Would Probably Kick Puppies

No, I'm not talking about American Idol, who put the blind kid in pink pants (PINK!) and let the oil rig guy do...whatever we're calling that to a Motown classic.  I'm really, genuinely bitter and worked up and filled with righteous indignation that is totally out of proportion with the circumstances even if they were happening to me and not random fictional characters.  So of course, I am talking about General Hospital.

Sometimes, when I am having a stressful day at work (most days that end in "-day" qualify), I get an email from Mallory that, much like the soaps we previously loved used to do, provides me with a few minutes of escape from the drudgery of the real world.  Such was the case yesterday when I received this gem:

Subject:   Question

Email:  Have you ever seen a baby more clearly saying "PLEASE HELP ME"?

Now, in fairness, I have seen a baby more desperately seeking an escape, because I have glanced at the faces of infants I've been holding.  But baby Emma comes close.  The poor, sweet, gorgeous, inexplicably Latina darling needs an escape from this horrendous "postpartum depression," Robin-and-Patrick's-marriage-is-in-trouble storyline.  Don't we all, Please Help Me Emma.  Don't we all.

Mallory and I have never claimed to be unbiased when it comes to Patrick and Robin.  Jason Thompson is the kind of hot that only amazing genes, innate sexgodliness, and Canadian water can produce.  And Kimberly McCullough is adorable and super talented, and has endeared herself to at least two generations of GH viewers since she first appeared on this show (back before it was a godforsaken wasteland of former soapiness).  The two of them have such mad chemistry that even now, more than two years into their characters' run as a couple, one of the main sources of our blog's traffic is questions (some very earnest and posed as if a search engine is an actual person) about whether they are, as the kids say, hitting it in real life.  (I don't actually know if that's what the kids say, as I don't hang out with kids, because they are obsessed with Twilight and the Jonas Brothers, but I imagine it's something like that.)

Soap Blog Coalition

 

Blind Item: A veteran network daytime executive interviewing for a position with a network whose soap lineup is in trouble. (Daytime Confidential)

It's Guiding Light mania as Deep Soap reports on the show's Florida remote. Check out interviews with Otalia and half of the Four Musketeers. (Deep Soap at Fancast)

Michael Fairman's trip to the Sunshine State with the cast of Guiding Light featuring Otalia, Purple Power and James Spaulding. (Michael Fairman Soaps)

Recasts are often very hard to swallow. And with the latest recast coming to Pine Valley in the form of Liza Colby, things are sure to get interesting. Take a look back at some of the recasts that worked, and some that didn't. (The Pine Valley Bulletin)

The Serial Drama girls are characteristically ranty, including finding All My Children's awfulness absolutely baffling. (Serial Drama)

Check out the Kimberly McCullough, Jason Thompson, and Scrubs-related recaps and pictures that came out of the 'Rock The Soap' cruise last weekend. (The Scrubs Hub)

Daytime Emmy winner Judi Evans reflects on her many years on the soaps and updates us on what she's doing now in his new interview. (We Love Soaps)

Sunday Surgery: It's the Extras that Matter!  (Wubs.net)

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

I should know better than to expect the writing on General Hospital to be anything other than loosely connected, poorly conceived plot points, but sometimes I still find myself shocked by just how asinine this show can be.

Let me get this straight: Jerry claims to care for his brother more than anything in the world. Jerry has a secret that could potentially ruin his brother's (who he cares for more than anything in the world)life and marriage. Jerry, in order to spare his brother (who he cares for more than anything in the world) pain and disaster...shares the very secret that could ruin his life?

Jerry:Carly was always ambivalent at best about me. In all fairness, I put her through hell at the Metro Court. If she should find out that I was partly to blame for Michael getting shot, it might alter her feelings towards you. After all, motherly love isn't entirely rational. So, hear me, Jax. What happened to Michael isn't your fault. It's Claudia Zacchara's. It's mine. And most of all, that idiot Ian Devlin, who is very lucky to be dead at this point. You're the one person in the world that I most care about, Jax. Now that you know the truth, maybe you can find a way to avert disaster.

That is the very definition of illogical. It is also the very definition of "shlock".

I will give the writers this, though: Jerry is probably the most consistently written character on canvas. He joined the show in a ludicrous storyand he left the show in a ludicrous story (leaving aside the dumbness of burdening Jax with this secret...how did he have the time to film these DVDs and hide them all over Sonny's?). That kind of character continuity is pretty much unheard of these days!

Our Column in the 3/31 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

Be sure to check out the March 31st issue of Soap Opera Digest, on newsstands today, as it features our latest My Take/My Take, Too column. This month, Mallory wonders how All My Children can get so much so wrong and counts her blessings that The Young and the Restless is around to ease her soap-related pain with its awesomeness. Becca updates her "Things Days Of Our Lives and General Hospital Cannot Do" list and adds, "write off characters in believably and/or soapy ways".

This Show Doesn't Have a Good Sense-to-Nonsense Ratio

If I had to describe All My Children in one word...

(This is a purely hypothetical situation, because nobody would ever ask me to describe All My Children. In fact, when most people find out I watch All My Children they stare at me with undisguised pity and hastily change the subject)

(Also, for the purposes of this purely hypothetical exercise, let's pretend that the one word description had to be family friendly. I don't doubt that we could all make an art form of applying the f-bomb to this show)

...that word would be baffling. Because I spend a major portion of each episode completely baffled by the goings-on in Pine Valley, both in terms of the writing quality (i.e., "How are these people employed? This is baffling!) and the flat-out illogical nature of what is on our screens (i.e., "WTF is going on and for what purpose? This is baffling!). The usual breakdown of each episode:

86% Baffled

5% Ready for the show to be over

3% Amused On Purpose (Usually by something Erica and/or Adam related)

2%Amused Accidentally (Usually Tamara Braun's blind acting)

2%Envious of Alicia Minshew's hair

1% Entertained by my imaginary "Hey, That's From New York & Company" game

1%Craving some sort of caffeinated beverage

Some of the (many) questions I have follow. In the interest of time, I am omitting the obvious "Why do any of us still watch?" question, because I fear that we will never know...

IS THERE ANYONE ON THE PLANET WHO LIKES KRYSTAL?

I don't mean to be judgmental or anything, but if you answered "Yes, I do" to that question: get help. You may be seriously ill.

I have hated Krystal for years, and grudgingly put up with her because I genuinely like Bobbie Eakes and she and David Canary worked well together, but I am DONE. I get all twitchy whenever she is onscreen these days, yammering in her over-the-top accent about the horrible Chandlers and how the best place for Little A is with her and David and conveniently ignoring that the last child she raised was a freaking blight upon humanity.

Not to be a drama queen or anything, but I am not yet emotionally ready for deal with Krystal taking JR's child away from him. I know, I know, the baby caper was years ago, and, you know, fictional, but I can't. Not yet.

Why Couldn't the ABC Soaps Be Pre-Empted Instead?

We live in a completely unjust world! The CBS soap week is cut short by the NCAA Tournament, meaning only three days of The Young and the Restless while All My Children and General Hospital get to ruin the soap genre without interruption. I call shenanigans!

The Young and the Restless continues to be the best soap that I watch, and probably one of the best shows that I watch, period. Yes, when you consider the other shows that I watch, that is the most backhanded of backhanded compliments, but whatever: almost all of the show is good or bordering on good.

Perhaps it is because I am dealing with a particularly creepy Easter Bunny setup at my mall this year (he is flanked by robotic gnomes, and they look around and they are horrific. I go well out of my way to avoid having to walk by them) and PTSD from the furries episode of CSI, but I got inordinately creeped out by Kevin taking his chipmunk head off.

Shudder.

Creepy costume aside, Kevin's recent Stockholm Syndrome story has been good based almost completely on Greg Rikaart's acting. The story is not without its faults (Amber running to save the day? Lauren not being involved? Meh.) but the acting has more than salvaged it. I haven't been a huge fan of Kevin in recent years, due to how smug he gets when he's in Gloria's orbit, but when Rikaart has decent material, he brings it, and it has been broughten these days. He's been completely fantastic, and I hope the writers continue to write to his strengths.

He even managed to stay in character and not burst out laughing when Clint suffered the hammiest heart attack caught on film since Luke Spencer at the Black and White Ball!

Hello, Supporting Actor 2010 Emmy Reel!