All My Children Is ABC's Highest Rated Soap. Think About That For a Second.
I am not naive enough to believe that quality and popularity have anything to do with each other (can you imagine if that were the case?! Til Death wouldn't have lasted one episode, leggings wouldn't be sold anywhere and Katy Perry wouldn't even be a thing. I want to go to there!), and I wouldn't say that All My Children is popular, just that it's marginally more popular than things that are very unpopular, but still: All My Children is the highest rated ABC soap.
Even if order is restored in the world and the numbers once again drop as fast as [insert Babe and/or Krystal joke here], this brief triumph may convince the powers-that-be that the unholy union of Charles Pratt and Julie Hanan is doing something right. And who knows what kind of horrors are going to head our way now?
Pray for Mojo!
I have never liked a Zach/Reese scene, but I practically tolerated one earlier in the week that gave us this hilarious exchange:
Reese: If you're going to give me another one of those flippin' pep talks of yours, I swear to God, Zach, I'm going to kill you.
Zach: Well, you'd have to catch me first. And since you can't see, I think I will probably live.
HA-HA, Reese is blind and terrible. I could watch entire episodes of people being mean to Reese. It would delight me.
Because Reese? Is vile.
Reese: Do you want to know me? Ok. Ok, well, I was the perfect daughter. Dean's list, honor roll, prefect attendance, Mom and Dad's little angel. I worked hard. I studied hard. I did everything that I was supposed to do all my life. And then I met your sister. And for the first time in my life, I finally knew what I wanted. And what I wanted was Bianca, and her love, and a family. And our being here was supposed to be the beginning of the rest of our life together, and now that has all just blown to hell.
Kendall: Well, you and Zach did that.
Reese: Right, me and Zach. Zach, right, of course. Of course, it's Zach, right? Do you think that he wants me? That he loves me? Kendall, I am blind because he wanted me gone, and I wouldn't leave. And I don't want him either. You know what? If you're looking at me, you look really hard so you can see the truth. Because the truth in all of this is I am the one who lost my family. I am the one who lost the love of my life. Not you. I am the one who lost everything. So just get out of here. All right, just get out of here.
I hate people who live life thinking that things happen to them through no fault of their own. "Bianca left me and now I am alone! She left me for no reason! I have the worst life of anyone to ever live!" She is the worst. Bianca sending a letter to her bitchy blind ass was probably too kind.
Kendall was more moved by that speech than I was, and told Zach as much, only to get shot down:
Kendall: No, she talked. I listened. And I finally realized that I've blamed her for everything, but she's not totally to blame. And she's not that terrible of a person.
Zach: That's great. That's all it took was for her to go blind and -- and you found some compassion. That's -- that's really cool.
REESE RUINS EVERYTHING!!!!!
AND WHAT SHE DOESN'T RUIN, RYAN DOES!!!!
Kendall: Zach. I just want to thank you for making this decision for us. I don't know if I could've done it. I think that we need this time apart. Just -- I just need you to know that I love you, and throughout all of this, I've never stopped loving you. Never.
Zach: I know that. But the problem is, you've never stopped loving Ryan either.
Full body shudder. No lie.
I hated watching Zach and Kendall's separation scenes, because I couldn't help but think how thoroughly wrecked this great couple has been, and because the spoiler about Ryan and Kendall having sex kept coming into my head and I found myself curled up in the fetal position, weeping. Like when Ryan was conveniently right outside the door when Zach was making his dramatic exit? WEEPING. And SWEARING.
I also weep for the Zach and Kendall that could have been. You know, the Zach and Kendall who could have had a healthy, normal relationship if the writers had just decided to give them good material, rather than years of soap cliches and stupidity thrown their way in a desperate ploy to keep them unhappy, since the writers operate under the assumption that happy soap couples are boring. And even if that were true (which I don't believe it is, since I have this crazy notion that good writing makes anything entertaining), who on earth would turn down run of the mill boring in favor of soul-crushingly awful?
Brot continues to be the undisputed highlight of this show. JR Martinez, man.
He has been so, so good on this show and I always get excited when I see that it's a Brot episode. He deserves to be on a show that is way better than AMC. So...pretty much any non-GH show on the airwaves right now.
Aidan:Greenlee's dead for one reason. Ryan promises to protect the women who love him, and they all end up twisting in the wind.
I don't even know what that means.
Is no one in Pine Valley familiar with the concept of an accident? Greenlee is (presumed) dead because her buttinski self hopped on a motorcycle in a bridal gown and sped away at night and had ran off of the road. If I were a fictional person living in Pine Valley I, too, would blame Ryan for most bad things that happened to me, but come on, this is pushing it just a little.
I love Amanda, and I think Chrishell Stause is, to use a term last used by a great-grandmother, the bee's knees, but the girl is not using earth logic.
Amanda: No, no, that's not true. What we felt for each other, what I still feel, that's true. That's real.
J.R.: You were manipulating me from day one.
Amanda: Yes, but the more time that I spent with you and Little A -- don't you get it? Everything changed.
"I cost you your sobriety and then I lied to you and deceived you some more, but I learned to like you after a while!"
I also don't know why she thought David would keep the secret about their baby in exchange for screwing JR over. Does she not realize that the only thing David enjoys more than ruining one life is ruining two at the same time?!
David: Oh, really? Well, ask Krystal. She knows. So does Frankie. Your Uncle Jake. They all watched Amanda wrap you around her greedy little finger, and they didn't say a word. So how does it feel, Junior, knowing both your kids belong to me?
Ugh. I think that the Bess/Miranda story had a bigger impact on me than I ever realized, because as much as JR annoys me a lot of the time, I am really upset that someone once again let him fall in love with a baby and then broke his heart. And the entire pushing him off the wagon thing was so...mean that it ruined this story from the outset for me.
I am not so sympathetic to him that I won't refer to him as a drama queen, though, because ZOMG
J.R.: No, I'm not ready to go. That baby should rot in hell, too.
Amanda: Shut up!
J.R.: Because it's just like its father. You know what you did? You spawned the devil's son!
"You spawned the devil's son" is the most deliciously ridiculous phrase. I mock it, but I also secretly love it and long for a chance to use it in everyday conversation.
Perhaps his overdramatic nature is why Frankie and Jake are so irritated at him that he's not immediately forgiving Amanda.
Frankie: Oh, believe what? You can't even see it, can you? Amanda cares so much for you she would give anything for you to be the father of that baby.
Really, Frankie? JR is supposed to be all, "She loves me so much that she lied to me for months and would continue to lie to me indefinitely! True love!"?
How did Jesse and Angie wind up with a son so hopelessly dumb?
Frankie and Randi's story about Frankie going back to war features a socially relevant plot, two pretty people and the added bonus of not featuring Reese and Ryan in any way, so you'd think it would be good, but it is SO DULL. The prettiness is epic, but it cannot make up for the dull,dullzzzzz.... that happens whenever these two charisma vacuums share a scene.
J.R.: Nothing that hasn't already been said before. Krystal used to be somebody that I asked to call "Mom." I don't even know who she is anymore.
I do: she's a whore. A lying, selfish, annoying whore. And stupid to boot! I can't believe she still hasn't grasped David's plot. It's not that deep, and you'd think that a professional con artist would recognize tricks and schemes.
Not to be the kind of creepy viewer who wishes bad things upon television characters, but if Krystal were to die, I would be okay with that. Unless it meant months of mourning her. In that case, I'd settle for just selling her into white slavery and writing her off the show. I like Bobbie Eakes a lot, but I have less than zero patience for Krystal.
I love when Law & Order rips storylines from the headlines, because it's so much fun seeing how thinly veiled the fictional versions of real life people are. The recent episode about a JT Leroy type literary scandal was hilarious in how utterly lazy they were in hiding the fact that it was a real life story (it was also hilarious because it involved Cutter<3 flying dozens of male prostitutes into New York to testify, and because it had Vivica A. Fox trying to emote. LOL. Can we just talk about Law & Order instead of this show? It would be far more fun).
Anyway, I give L&O full permission to do the inspired by real life events thing, but I am less forgiving of AMC deciding to do the same.
Opal: Well, Palmer and me, we got a business manager handles all that.
Jack: Did you know that most of Palmer's trips to Europe have been about trying to get your personal finances in order?
Opal: My finances?
Tad: Well, how out of order are they?
Jack: Opal, I don't know how to tell you this, honey. You're broke.
Opal: Broke? Flat? How did that happen?
Jack: Well, the best I can tell, it all goes back to your business manager, who instead of paying your bills and investing your money was --
Tad: Was stealing it.
In keeping with the L&O theme, Tad reminds me of Olivia Benson on SVU, who always gets the task of stating the obvious for the viewers at home who can't comprehend basic things. I remember one episode where the ME said something about the mother and father of a baby sharing the same DNA and after three full minutes, Olivia was all "That means it was...incest." So yeah, Tad, thanks for filling in the blanks, there. Your quick thinking is probably what makes you an excellent PI.
And also...was this business manager's name Mernie Badoff?
I will admit that Tad, Jake, Petey, Opal, Amanda and Kathy living under one roof has potential to be funny. This writing regime has shown time and time again that it can squander even limitless potential, so I won't hold my breath or anything but, you know, we could get a few good scenes out of it.