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« General Hospital Week in Review: Polls-Only Edition. This Is What I've Been Reduced To. | Main | Just The 10 Of Us. And By "Us", I Mean "Viewers" »

March 17, 2009

Everything About This Show Is Terrible

I had a busy day at work yesterday, but I managed to get home at a reasonable hour and make dinner.  Then, for the first time in weeks, I sat down and had time to watch both my shows on the day they actually aired.  I was excited!  Then I remembered that one of those shows is General Hospital.  Oh, optimism.  You never pay off.

Virtually from start to finish, yesterday was a bad day.  And if something stands out as being a bad episode of this show, that's saying something.  That we've had two of these terrible episodes in four days is not the best sign of where we're heading in this allegedly higher quality month of sweeps.  (Is it sweeps?  I'm so confused, because I thought February was sweeps, especially given the Toxic Balls nonsense, but it wasn't, so they just busted out with a re-tread of other sweeps storylines because . . . it was a month with 28 days?  I don't understand.)  Anyway, this show is terrible, and here are some specific examples of why.  Not that you needed any.

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Things started off with Claudia suggesting that she and Sonny "consummate" on a regular basis.  I have never in my life wished more for a retroactive fast-forward button on my Tivo.  For the love of all that's right with television (George Clooney back on ER), who allows this crap on the air?

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MaxieSpinelli

Maxie:  . . . If you leave, I'm just going to end up hooking up with Johnny.
Spinelli:  Surely I'm mistaken.  No doubt high emotions have led to a misunderstanding, or actually a literal mishearing of your proclamation?
Maxie:  You heard me.
Spinelli:  How can Maximista say that The Jackal's tragic yet unavoidable departure could cause her to have carnal relations with the mob prince?
Maxie:  It will be like the night of blizzard, except this time I might not be able to stop myself.  I saw you, with Winifred, at the Metro Court.  Johnny had just had a fight with Lulu and I crashed my car.  He rescued me and took me to this abandoned garage and we had a few beers.  One thing led to another and --
Spinelli:  Surely nothing untoward occurred?
Maxie:  It was like we were playing a game of chicken.  Daring each other to keep going.  Before I knew it we were, um, seriously making out and well on our way to hooking up.
. . .
Spinelli:  What about the original blond one?  I mean, surely you wouldn't deliberately and willingly obliterate Lulu's heart?
Maxie:  Johnny feels like he doesn't deserve Lulu and that he should just break her heart and get her out of his life.  And maybe that's right.  But if you leave, and I hook up with Johnny, then technically I would be doing Lulu a favor.

So much wrongness, so little blog space.

I don't know why the writers find this difficult to remember, but:  Maxie is NOT AN ASSHOLE.  She is supposedly to be a delightfully bitchy bad girl.  Threatening to sleep with Johnny to intentionally hurt Spinelli is arguably in character for her these days, given her rather insane dependence on him, but it shouldn't be, and this "I would be doing Lulu a favor" crap?  Throwing the details of her near-hook-up with Johnny in Spinelli's face?  Being so self-centered that she would rather Spinelli risk arrest thanks to her emotional blackmail than, god forbid, leave town?  There is already character who behaves this selfishly and assholishly on a regular basis.  Her name is Carly.  And oh, if you like your blond selfish assholes a bit younger, there's Lulu.  Leave Maxie alone!  Why must this show RUIN EVERYTHING?

Also, I know this is not a new complaint, but I never promised you a rose garden, or originality in my bitching . . . I'm not actually supposed to want Maxie to have a romantic relationship with this cartoon of a character called Spinelli, am I?  Like, seriously, as a viewer in this show's alleged target demographic, am I supposed to have my fingers tightly crossed that things work out for the feisty fashionista and the mobbed up guy who can't complete a coherent sentence or comb his hair?  For real?  As I have said before, NO HUMAN BEING TALKS LIKE THIS, and it would be fine (I guess) if he was just on for comic relief a couple of times a week, but he's on ALL THE TIME and he's dragging Maxie permanently into the mob and I'm beginning to move from barely tolerating him to fully HATING him and wanting to reach through my screen and SLAP SOME SEMBLANCE OF NORMAL ENGLISH into him.

It's make me INCREDIBLY YELLY and now I'm like that Agent Raynor dude and oh, that reminds me, I HATE HIM TOO.

(P.S.  Kirsten, sweetie, those extensions . . . please fix, 'k?

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Robin's heinously ugly, cheap polyester shirt returned.

RobinUglyPurpleTop

It was bad enough the first time around, but this time it is in an actual reality as opposed to an alternate one, and Robin is wearing it in a dive bar in Rochester (!) while assuming a phony child- and hot-husband-free identity.  That is unacceptable.

There's obviously no need to state this yet again, but:  This postpartum story is fucking awful.  I have a fear of infants and long-term commitments so therefore have never given birth myself, and much to my bank account's dismay I opted for grad school that wasn't medical school, and even I know this is story is ridiculous.  Postpartum depression is not multiple personality disorder!  Robin-as-Sybil is absurd and offensive and WHY CAN'T THESE WRITERS DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!  They could have just done some research and had a decent storyline portrayed by talented actors!  But instead we are subjected to this horrible misrepresentation of what is a really serious and widespread problem, costumed by a blind person who just woke up from a coma caused by a tragic head-bumping incident at the Gunne Sax factory in 1984!  It's all incredibly disturbing.

(Although, the fact that SybilRobin has an infinite universe of fake jobs to choose from and she picks pharmaceutical rep does indicate some type of mental disorder.  So props on that little bit of accuracy, you band of supposedly professional writers that I've taken to calling the Even a Broken Clock Is Right Twice a Day Squad.)

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I want really, truly unpleasant things to happen to Winifred.

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Claudia:  . . . It's your show.  I grew up in this business.  I understand that one person has to call the shots.  And obviously, that person is you.
Sonny:  Okay, where do you think you fit it?
Claudia:  I don't know.  I mean, whatever.  We can discuss that as we go.
Sonny:  All I'm saying is that if you think that we're going to, like, work side by side, that, that is not gonna happen.
Claudia:  Well that's not what I think, at all.
Sonny:  Okay.
Claudia:  It's not.
Sonny:  Naw...okay.  [Seriously, he said "naw."  Diction, Maurice.  Look into it.]
Claudia:  No, but you need somebody.  You're going to need an ally.  You need someone who's loyal, who's not afraid to disagree with you.  Someone that you respect.  Someone you trust.
Sonny:  ::laughs mockingly::  Okay.  Okay.

Hee!  Isn't misogyny and a total lack of equality or respect in a marriage adorable and sexy?  Hearts and flowers!  Squee!  Soap operas written to appeal to women are awesome!  I can't wait for the mob summit!  It's going to be so hot and totally unlike anything I've ever seen on this show before!

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Patrick

Patrick is unhotly being a dumbass about Robin's postpartum depression.  (I mean, yes, as portrayed on this horrible mess of a show it's not actually postpartum depression, but it's obviously intended to be that, and Patrick is supposed to be in denial.)  And he's unhotly being just a plain ol' ass for blaming Matt for caring about his sister-in-law's well-being.  I can't take much more unhotness.

I did like the "whatever, if you're okay with being the only one buying what you're selling, keep on truckin', doctor" look that Elizabeth gave Patrick. 

LizToPatrickWTF

(It's also known as a WTF look, but I am trying to be all classy and stuff.  I have to balance out the f-bombs with something.)

Also, it is worth noting that Rebecca Herbst's hair is getting back to being super pretty again. Sometimes that's all that gets me through the hour, you guys.

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So Kate's only role now is to be the bitchy boss, participating in ridiculous shenanigans like forcing Johnny and Maxie to "date"?  I need for Megan Ward to get a better gig, immediately.  Ditto for Rick Hearst.  Don't even try to front like you're giving Ric an actual story, writers.  I fell for that a couple years ago, and then you had him SCREW HIS STEPDAUGHTER.  I'm getting yelly again, so I have to move on. 

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The only halfway decent thing to happen on today's show was when Carly said, like a 15-year-old, "we're going to stay married for-evah!" and Diane:

1)  Cackled.
2)  Then explained that statistically speaking, Jax and Carly are doomed.
3)  Then referred to Carly as an "emotional tsunami."

Diane

Oh, Diane.  Let's hang out.  I'll let you borrow my shoes and handbags, and I won't make you eat shitty spaghetti sauce out of a jar.  We'll be besties.

Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason.

Comments

"So much wrongness so little blog space"

Sums up GH brilliantly. I think it should be your new banner for the blog.

"Serial Drama: So much wrongness so little blog space"

Sure the PPD sl isn't the picture of accuracy but since after the craptastic scrubs wedding personally the story hasn't bothered me at all. Tt least they've had some correct symptoms of PPD Robin unwilling to touch or hold Emma, after to make descisions concerning her, frustrated with her crying, an usually short fuse ect ect. The truth is after Robin's Non-HIV pregnany sl which was really "Robin's baby daddy decides wether he wants to be a daddy" I'm THRILLED to see a story FOCUS on ROBIN. Even with these ridiculous inaccuriacies to see Kimberly acting her butt off is worth to this RFF

Why are we torturing ourselves with this crapfest of a show and how the heck does Guza still have his job? Kimberly is doing a great job with this story but was it too much to ask for one happy scene after the scrubs wedding.

I would totally be ok with Diane being in every scene even if her presence doesn't make sense, as long as she keeps dishing out these awesome life truths. Carly an emotional tsunami, finally an truly appropriate name for her psychosis.

I agree with Sue that KR is doing a great job. Obviously, I'm no expert on PPD but I'm not hating the story the way many seem to be.

The rest of "GH"? I fear for its future on network television.

I think Diane should have the last scene in every episode, during which she takes apart every stupid statement and action. I kind of hope that's what the actors do every evening.

I don't know the symptoms of PPD, but if these are them, I still don't want the story. Despite Kimberly's talent, Robin is becoming totally unlikeable. And the smart, caustic Patrick is becoming a wimp in denial. Please give us something that we can actually look forward to. Right now, I'm happy when Scrubs are not on. Those days are the only ones when there is no harm done to the characters and the pairing.

I love Diane. Even in the stupid ways they use her she's great. No story lines, but a once a year soup schiller? Poor Diane. But that scene had me asking the GA refrain of SERIOUSLY?

Diane's line that Jason STILL pays for ALL of Carly's legal fees! Still?!?!?!?!? It's vile and totally Carly. A whore to the end, she pays for nothing herself nor does she take any responsibility. And even when married to a billionaire with no mob ties she still has Jason paying her way. Like he has been doing since they met. VOM!!!! Independent working woman and a good mother my right butt cheek! Nice try Guza but no fucking sale.

Here's one of my problems with this scene. Jax was totally cool with Jason being responsible for his wife and business partner's legal life. Again, seriously? Next he will casually watch Carly cheat on him again and sleep with Sonny just for shits and giggles! I mean seriously? He's cool with this set up?

And the whole thing was unethical and makes Diane look like a terrible lawyer of the worst kind. A female in PC being a cheat and bad at her job, how very Guza. Forget who Diane represents, that is another issue. But this Post Nup Agreement was never discussed before. Not by Carly, or Jax or Alexis or even Jason who pays the bills. So to draw one up and bill for all those work hours is slimy.

This show sinks to new levels daily.

Dear God, the show's actually getting worse from when I stopped watching.

For those of us who don't watch anymore, you should do a poll listing three or four ludicrous and/or idiotic plot and character developments, and guess which one REALLY happened on GH.

is it possible that your posts become better and better every time you post?!! And I love your lil input ab never having children, etc. You bring bitchiness to a whole new level--Maxie Jones would be proud!

LOVE when you include what searches brought readers to you. (Fucking hate Winifred!)

I like how you also give credit where credit is due ... so could we PLEASE get a blog entry entirely dedicated to Julianna Margulies and George Clooney being back on ER. Pretty please???!!! With a Fendi handbag on top?

I like Robin's new name. SybilRobin is what she is as of now until this crappola is over. I know nothing about PPD, but I know good and damn well it is not this. Jax is DeadtoMe and he will continue to take it where it belongs so as long as he is married to that "emotional tsunami SHEBEAST.

Spinelli is GH's new leading man. Guza has done lost his DAMN MIND!!! He is on almost every damn day and so unattractive. I don't believe for a minute in real life that Spinelli has this huge following. Also, Maxie gone from fab to mob loving malnourished high pitched whining loser.

The Robin PPD story has gone off the rails, but I'm glad that she got to get away from dumbass Patrick and the stress of caring for Emma. Patrick hasn't taken a day off to help her, hasn't gone to a psychiatrist to figure out how to approach her, or talked to Mac who could actually help Robin.

I totally agree, this PPD story keeps getting more and more atrocious. There are no adequate words to describe how I feel about it, so I will let this suffice: *cringe.*

"Oh, Diane. Let's hang out. I'll let you borrow my shoes and handbags, and I won't make you eat shitty spaghetti sauce out of a jar. We'll be besties."

That line = straight up hilarious. I <3 Diane.

And Amen about George Clooney being back on ER as the best thing going in television. I'm with Izzi - we totally need an entire post about the magic that was George Clooney and Julianna Marguiles on ER last week. Imagine - a show named for a hospital that actually takes place in a hospital and involves things related to a hospital. Wait, why does that sound so familiar...?

Is it to much to ask for some FBI agent on the show to take the "shoot on sight" order to heart and actually kill Spinelli?? I.CAN.NOT.STAND.THIS.CHARACTER. He needs to go and go now. What moron celebrates the fact that he is on the armed and dangerous list?!?!? WHAT A FLIPPING IDIOT.

Robin and Patrick are the reason I was sucked back into this show in 2006 and unfortunely they are one of the reasons I can't bear to watch right now. I have been free of GH for about a month now and it feels good because your blog keeps me very informed.

How could such a promising storyline have gone so wrong ... Keep up the awesome writing in your blogs, which is sorely missing from GH.

I also enjoyed George and Julianna on ER and it totally made me miss another adorable hospital couple currently missing in action.

Lets talk about George Clooney on ER, since its more fun. I thought for sure it would be weird, like "oh look, there's George Clooney". But within 5 seconds of him back on screen, bam, he was Doug Ross again.

Isn't this easier than discussing GH? :)

Chad: "Dear God, the show's actually getting worse from when I stopped watching.

For those of us who don't watch anymore, you should do a poll listing three or four ludicrous and/or idiotic plot and character developments, and guess which one REALLY happened on GH."

LOL. I'm with you Chad.

I haven't watched GH for over a year and I read this blog and I'm confounded each time at how progressively worse this show has become. Why oh why is Guza still there?

Spin is the leading man? Hilarious.

Patrick and Robin are horrible people? Sad.

Everything and every character of what I loved of GH is gone. Alexis? Lucky? Kate? Robin? Tracy? Ric? All demolished at Guza's hands.

Sorry, in my earlier comment about Spin I hope it wasn't misconstrued that I thought Spin was hilarious. He isn't. I meant the idea of him being a leading man was hilarious. I just wanted to clarify that.

Hee....not watching any more but still reading.....gotta say even the awful Ment-Whore on Gossip Girl was infinitely more interesting/likable/tolerable/watchable/desirable/fascinating/engageable than anything on GH....notwithstanding Rebecca Herbst existing and Kirsten Storms' usually AWESOME wardrobe ofcourse!!! :D

SO. MUCH. RAGE.

CAN'T. SPEAK.

I've hated Spindork since he ruined the Scrubs wedding with his stupid fantasy. Taking time away from the featured couple on their big day? Not. Cool.

I've had it with him and the way he has ruined Maxie. Why is it that only the characters I hate get airtime on this show?

Maybe it's the St. Patty's day drinks talking but I will admit to being a Spinelli/Maxie fan. We do exist, and if you are brave go to youtube and search for Spixie; I am not alone.

I effin' love this post! GH, how far you have sunk.

Since this show is all about bad things happening to the women, when will it be Winnifred's turn? Just drop a house on her and call it a day already. I hate that little attempt at creating a female Spinelli so, so much--especially when she tries to act all superior around Maxie. Just so much hate.

And thanks to GH, I've learned that one of the side effects of PPD is that the father of the child becomes blazingly clueless. Robin practically beats Patrick over the head with an "I have PPD" baseball bat 12 times a day, and he's wandering around in a cloud of duh, fighting off anyone who dares imply she might, just might, have it. And he's a freaking doctor.

Yes, George Clooney on ER. I guess my indoctrination with GH made me worry about Doug Ross. I figured he would have split up with Carol, the girls would be in foster homes or pregnant. (How old are they supposed to be anyway?) Carol would be bitter and using all her powers to get back at Doug. They both would have lost their careers. Only bad things.

Then I watch the show....and they are working to help people---together. And they live together, might even be married and, get this, they are happy! I had to watch it again just to be sure I wasn't imagining it. And no, Guza, they were not boring. And they appeared to have no connections to the mob!

Alice, you couldn't have written truer words. Too bad Guza is too evil and stupid to hear and understand them.

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