Everything About This Show Is Terrible
I had a busy day at work yesterday, but I managed to get home at a reasonable hour and make dinner. Then, for the first time in weeks, I sat down and had time to watch both my shows on the day they actually aired. I was excited! Then I remembered that one of those shows is General Hospital. Oh, optimism. You never pay off.
Virtually from start to finish, yesterday was a bad day. And if something stands out as being a bad episode of this show, that's saying something. That we've had two of these terrible episodes in four days is not the best sign of where we're heading in this allegedly higher quality month of sweeps. (Is it sweeps? I'm so confused, because I thought February was sweeps, especially given the Toxic Balls nonsense, but it wasn't, so they just busted out with a re-tread of other sweeps storylines because . . . it was a month with 28 days? I don't understand.) Anyway, this show is terrible, and here are some specific examples of why. Not that you needed any.
Things started off with Claudia suggesting that she and Sonny "consummate" on a regular basis. I have never in my life wished more for a retroactive fast-forward button on my Tivo. For the love of all that's right with television (George Clooney back on ER), who allows this crap on the air?
Maxie: . . . If you leave, I'm just going to end up hooking up with Johnny.
Spinelli: Surely I'm mistaken. No doubt high emotions have led to a misunderstanding, or actually a literal mishearing of your proclamation?
Maxie: You heard me.
Spinelli: How can Maximista say that The Jackal's tragic yet unavoidable departure could cause her to have carnal relations with the mob prince?
Maxie: It will be like the night of blizzard, except this time I might not be able to stop myself. I saw you, with Winifred, at the Metro Court. Johnny had just had a fight with Lulu and I crashed my car. He rescued me and took me to this abandoned garage and we had a few beers. One thing led to another and --
Spinelli: Surely nothing untoward occurred?
Maxie: It was like we were playing a game of chicken. Daring each other to keep going. Before I knew it we were, um, seriously making out and well on our way to hooking up.
. . .
Spinelli: What about the original blond one? I mean, surely you wouldn't deliberately and willingly obliterate Lulu's heart?
Maxie: Johnny feels like he doesn't deserve Lulu and that he should just break her heart and get her out of his life. And maybe that's right. But if you leave, and I hook up with Johnny, then technically I would be doing Lulu a favor.
So much wrongness, so little blog space.
I don't know why the writers find this difficult to remember, but: Maxie is NOT AN ASSHOLE. She is supposedly to be a delightfully bitchy bad girl. Threatening to sleep with Johnny to intentionally hurt Spinelli is arguably in character for her these days, given her rather insane dependence on him, but it shouldn't be, and this "I would be doing Lulu a favor" crap? Throwing the details of her near-hook-up with Johnny in Spinelli's face? Being so self-centered that she would rather Spinelli risk arrest thanks to her emotional blackmail than, god forbid, leave town? There is already character who behaves this selfishly and assholishly on a regular basis. Her name is Carly. And oh, if you like your blond selfish assholes a bit younger, there's Lulu. Leave Maxie alone! Why must this show RUIN EVERYTHING?
Also, I know this is not a new complaint, but I never promised you a rose garden, or originality in my bitching . . . I'm not actually supposed to want Maxie to have a romantic relationship with this cartoon of a character called Spinelli, am I? Like, seriously, as a viewer in this show's alleged target demographic, am I supposed to have my fingers tightly crossed that things work out for the feisty fashionista and the mobbed up guy who can't complete a coherent sentence or comb his hair? For real? As I have said before, NO HUMAN BEING TALKS LIKE THIS, and it would be fine (I guess) if he was just on for comic relief a couple of times a week, but he's on ALL THE TIME and he's dragging Maxie permanently into the mob and I'm beginning to move from barely tolerating him to fully HATING him and wanting to reach through my screen and SLAP SOME SEMBLANCE OF NORMAL ENGLISH into him.
It's make me INCREDIBLY YELLY and now I'm like that Agent Raynor dude and oh, that reminds me, I HATE HIM TOO.
(P.S. Kirsten, sweetie, those extensions . . . please fix, 'k?
Robin's heinously ugly, cheap polyester shirt returned.
It was bad enough the first time around, but this time it is in an actual reality as opposed to an alternate one, and Robin is wearing it in a dive bar in Rochester (!) while assuming a phony child- and hot-husband-free identity. That is unacceptable.
There's obviously no need to state this yet again, but: This postpartum story is fucking awful. I have a fear of infants and long-term commitments so therefore have never given birth myself, and much to my bank account's dismay I opted for grad school that wasn't medical school, and even I know this is story is ridiculous. Postpartum depression is not multiple personality disorder! Robin-as-Sybil is absurd and offensive and WHY CAN'T THESE WRITERS DO ANYTHING RIGHT?! They could have just done some research and had a decent storyline portrayed by talented actors! But instead we are subjected to this horrible misrepresentation of what is a really serious and widespread problem, costumed by a blind person who just woke up from a coma caused by a tragic head-bumping incident at the Gunne Sax factory in 1984! It's all incredibly disturbing.
(Although, the fact that SybilRobin has an infinite universe of fake jobs to choose from and she picks pharmaceutical rep does indicate some type of mental disorder. So props on that little bit of accuracy, you band of supposedly professional writers that I've taken to calling the Even a Broken Clock Is Right Twice a Day Squad.)
I want really, truly unpleasant things to happen to Winifred.
Claudia: . . . It's your show. I grew up in this business. I understand that one person has to call the shots. And obviously, that person is you.
Sonny: Okay, where do you think you fit it?
Claudia: I don't know. I mean, whatever. We can discuss that as we go.
Sonny: All I'm saying is that if you think that we're going to, like, work side by side, that, that is not gonna happen.
Claudia: Well that's not what I think, at all.
Claudia: It's not.
Sonny: Naw...okay. [Seriously, he said "naw." Diction, Maurice. Look into it.]
Claudia: No, but you need somebody. You're going to need an ally. You need someone who's loyal, who's not afraid to disagree with you. Someone that you respect. Someone you trust.
Sonny: ::laughs mockingly:: Okay. Okay.
Hee! Isn't misogyny and a total lack of equality or respect in a marriage adorable and sexy? Hearts and flowers! Squee! Soap operas written to appeal to women are awesome! I can't wait for the mob summit! It's going to be so hot and totally unlike anything I've ever seen on this show before!
Patrick is unhotly being a dumbass about Robin's postpartum depression. (I mean, yes, as portrayed on this horrible mess of a show it's not actually postpartum depression, but it's obviously intended to be that, and Patrick is supposed to be in denial.) And he's unhotly being just a plain ol' ass for blaming Matt for caring about his sister-in-law's well-being. I can't take much more unhotness.
I did like the "whatever, if you're okay with being the only one buying what you're selling, keep on truckin', doctor" look that Elizabeth gave Patrick.
(It's also known as a WTF look, but I am trying to be all classy and stuff. I have to balance out the f-bombs with something.)
Also, it is worth noting that Rebecca Herbst's hair is getting back to being super pretty again. Sometimes that's all that gets me through the hour, you guys.
So Kate's only role now is to be the bitchy boss, participating in ridiculous shenanigans like forcing Johnny and Maxie to "date"? I need for Megan Ward to get a better gig, immediately. Ditto for Rick Hearst. Don't even try to front like you're giving Ric an actual story, writers. I fell for that a couple years ago, and then you had him SCREW HIS STEPDAUGHTER. I'm getting yelly again, so I have to move on.
The only halfway decent thing to happen on today's show was when Carly said, like a 15-year-old, "we're going to stay married for-evah!" and Diane:
2) Then explained that statistically speaking, Jax and Carly are doomed.
3) Then referred to Carly as an "emotional tsunami."
Oh, Diane. Let's hang out. I'll let you borrow my shoes and handbags, and I won't make you eat shitty spaghetti sauce out of a jar. We'll be besties.
Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason.