Failure Is Aspirational For These People
Leave it to the All My Children writers to interpret the query "Can this show get any worse?" as a challenge, rather than a depressed, rhetorical question. "It can, and how!" they say gleefully, as they set about writing their latest stories*. That's how we wind up with people flying face first into a glass table, it's part of the writers' quest to teach us that yes, Virginia, there is something worse than horrific.
*By stories, I mean "crap" and by "writing", I mean "word vomit".
Between Reese getting up close and personal with shards of glass, and Krystal, Gold-Digger Supreme marrying David without looking at her pre-nup (How is it possible that they ruined the essence of what made Krystal Krystal? How can you ruin something that already has no redeeming value?), this week has been terrible and it is only going to get worse. After the jump, the ultra-disturbing promo of evil, with spoilers.
I want you to imagine the worst AMC-related plot twist, and then multiply its wrong factor by 84. Then you'll be roughly in the same hemisphere as what's to come.
I want this show dead.
Has ABC ever released a more cold and clinical promo? Usually their ads are all about bombast and "THE ________ THAT WILL CHANGE _________ FOREVER". You'd think that the...reunion of a former, um, beloved (???!!!??) couple, would inspire something like "THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. KENDALL AND RYAN REUNITE", but...no:
Gravelly Voiced Promo Man: It's been years since they were together. This week, as they mourn their best friend....how close will grief push them?
Yes, it has been years since they were together, and they are mourning they're best friend. It's purely factual information! Even Gravelly Voiced Promo Man realizes that there is literally no way to make Kendall and Ryan reuniting in the biblical sense appealing.
There are probably worse things in the Pine Valley world than Ryan and Kendall sleeping together, and I am sure that we will see said worse things during May sweeps, but right now, this is seriously the most terrible thing I can imagine happening on AMC because:
- Kendall's LEGITIMATE feelings of betrayal and hurt will be dropped because now she will be the one doing the betraying.
- Reese, who is now going to be BLIND, will be able to sneer smugly down at Kendall (well, in Kendall's general direction, at least) from on top of her high horse because all Reese did was make out with/stalk Zach, she didn't do anything as horrible as sleep with him.
Reese is going to be BLIND, did I mention that? Because we haven't seen soap writers do that before, trying to get audiences to feel bad for a vile character by giving him/her a life-threatening illness or injury. If Tamara Braun had signed a longer contract, I bet that they'd have given her cancer. How else to get audiences to root for someone who sucks?! And don't say anything like "write characters like normal human beings", because that's just crazy!
We already watched Kendall have ill-advised grief sex with someone last year. I know that we all tried to repress the memory, so the quick recap is: terrible. It was terrible. And those were back in the days of Barbara Esensten and James Harmon Brown who were profoundly untalented, but who look like the Labines compared to the tools sitting in the writers room now. Sitting through this story with even less coherent storytelling and writing talent...I can't even imagine the horrors that this will unleash.
Ryan and Kendall together, and I am not trying to be hyperbolic or drama queenish about it, STAB MY SOUL.