General Hospital Week in Review: Polls-Only Edition. This Is What I've Been Reduced To.
Mallory covered this week's highlights -- er, biggest happenings -- brilliantly already, and I had a pretty packed weekend (dyed my hair, bathed the dog, did laundry, cleaned the refrigerator, reorganized my handbag -- you know, the usual glamorous routine), so while the concept in general has been reinstated, there will be no traditional Week in Review this time out. So instead: Fun with polls! And random bits of celebrity and other sort-of-pop-culture related news! Please read on and pretend this post is borne out of something other than laziness!
They've recast Michael Corinthos. Soon, that collection of pillows will be a real live boy (it already is more of one than Spinelli). Having Michael wake up and aging him to his late teens could be a great move, opening up a new teen scene, changing the Sonny/Carly dynamic, making life difficult for Claudia, and more. This could be great. Plus, it would be almost impossible for Michael to be more annoying than he was before, so you'd almost have to make a concerted effort to screw this up.
Those scenes with Sonny and Claudia discussing Mob Summit 2009? In which Sonny basically said Claudia's only purpose would be sex-fantasy material for the men? Gross. And so emblematic of why this show is completely screwed up.
According to the most recent Soap Opera Digest, the guy who plays Ethan (Nathan Parsons) is now under contract. Yeah, because another crime-based character is just what this show needed.
Let's get down to the dirty details, though: This means more uncomfortably flirtatious scenes between Parsons and Anthony Geary's Luke. I adore Geary and think he's incredibly talented, but if he's not going for "I really want to hook up with this dude" in his scenes with Parsons, something has gone terribly off the mark. And if that is going for that, well, the father/son hints are making this whole thing incredibly icky, and I worry that they've replaced the fake booze on set with real stuff if these two think this is okay. Like, they make Claudia and Johnny look like the model of a totally appropriate, non-sexual familial relationship.
In a little town in England, locals have called the police nearly a thousand times because they think a pony is actually a horse stuck in the mud. Sometimes only punctuation can capture what you're thinking: " . . . "
Mal and I used to LOVE Lindsay Lohan. With The Parent Trap (who knew the remake of such a classic could be anything other than odious, let alone great?) to Mean Girls (one of the most quotable movies of all time), she earned an almost indelible soft spot in our hearts. But she is rapidly eliminating all our remaining good will towards her, especially with yet another run-in with the law and craziness like this. (Had she not thrown the "LA needs better restaurants" in the midst of that lunacy, we would be totally done with her.) But throughout all her supremely annoying, self-destructive behavior, you do have to give Lindz credit: At least her bad girl routine runs deep and is evidenced by something other than eye makeup.
Can we just jump ahead to the reveal that Rebecca is actually Emily? Despite the fact that we saw Emily's corpse on display for weeks? (I'm unspoiled, but I assume that's coming. These writers are nothing if not predictably nonsensical.) That would be less annoying than what we're having to sit through now.
You know what's a fun game to play while watching GH? Pretend you are the showrunner who, in this awful economy, gets to make decisions about which characters get killed off. (You must also pretend that you are not a moron who decides to ADD to an already bloated cast at a time when everyone else is making cuts, and at the same time you reportedly must consider cutting established and talented castmembers, but presumably you are many steps further away from "moron" than the people who run GH and ABC Daytime, so it shouldn't be too hard.) Make believe that the character taking a permanent dirt nap doesn't put some poor actor out of work, and just thin that herd.
I was checking out Oh No They Didn't this week, as I am known to do when I'm in search of celebrity gossip, bizarre series of gifs, and tutorials in whatever internet lingo the kids are using these days. I happened upon a post about Newsweek's Top 10 Oddball Barbies, my favorite of which is Pooper Scooper Barbie, complete with itty bitty magnetic poop. (Nothing in that sentence was made up, I swear!)
Random Barbie side note: Kristen Wiig is so funny that I will forgive her tickling my boyfriend Seth Myers.
Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason.
omg, this totally had me ROFL! And I can't believe the ethan actor is on contract .. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! when r they gonna give the ppl that have been on contract for yrs a s/l?!!!
Posted by: izzi | March 16, 2009 at 11:12 AM
Becca, once again your column is more entertaining than anything on GH. Boy, this show continues to circle the drain, doesn't it?
izzi, I think I agree with the views expressed in your post, but I'm not certain. Perhaps it would help if you wrote in English and not in instant-message speak. Much obliged!
Posted by: Sharon | March 16, 2009 at 12:14 PM
Guza is never going to get canned is he? Why do I keep waiting around for this? Hilarious post ladies, and as always much more fun than watching the show.
Posted by: junie | March 16, 2009 at 01:44 PM
My daughter received TWO Pooper-Scooper Barbies as gifts last year so I can vouch for the fact that they do exist.
Posted by: Dawn | March 16, 2009 at 02:52 PM
The saddest part is we will NEVER get rid of Guza and Phelps!
Posted by: horselover | March 16, 2009 at 04:44 PM
Only one thing worries me about this hilarious post. That at the time when I voted 11% of fellow voters admitted to leaving babies behind at diners.....huh?
Oh, I think I get it now. Those people who left babies at diners are the Nielson Families, or maybe relatives of Guza's and Phelp's?
PS Todays episode is so profoundly awful I must comment on a few things from it, or I'll go mental.
1. If I have to see Sonny "zipping up" one more time I am going to vomit in a jar and send it to Guza. Or in the Soily case, "unzipping".
2. Attention Maurice Benard, if you cannot pronounce the word "MANIPULATE" please stop trying. You are killing me!
3. Jason actually had a few lines of intelligent dialogue today. He showed real self reflection and remorse/guilt about being responsible for what he chose for Michael, Spinelli, and now Winifred. It seemed like he was determined not to repeat some of his mistakes. It sadly lasted all of three minutes before Sam was praising his wonderfulness and ALL the others seemed 100% thrilled with committing even more federal offenses in the name of freeing criminals, Spinelli you suck. I liked you better high and working for Lorenzo. These people couldn't identify right from wrong if it shot them in the head with toxic balls!
4. New and Improved Carly, a la Guza wet dream, is as stomach wrenching to watch as Spinelli. And make no mistake, she is a much worse parent than even Pod Robin.
5. Pod Robin got a decent coat today, but that blouse makes me miss the plaid hideousness big time!
6. As vomit inducing as the zipping up Sonny was, the ass shake from Claudia and Sonny's subsequent drool was also beyond all things acceptable. I kinds wish Kate had seen that so she could get smart and leave town ASAP.
7. Hey, was that Ric? I forgot what he looked like.
Sorry, I just saw the show and I needed to vent. Thanks for this respite from the soaps we used to love.
Posted by: Sarah | March 16, 2009 at 05:22 PM
Becca, this is a wicked poll. I'm dying of laughter. My fave:
"The only way their scenes could be more sexual is if "Let's Get It On" was playing in the background"
ROTFLMAO!!!! I keep expecting Luke and Ethan to jump each other. If Tracy doesn't know that she is a beard by now, she is blind as a bat.
Posted by: Simone | March 16, 2009 at 05:28 PM
Thanks!
I love polls :)
Posted by: shelle_cr | March 16, 2009 at 07:42 PM
You guys should do a post of the funniest Google search terms. I'm saying this because I'm starting to feel guilty about forcing you to watch GH for my own enjoyment.
Posted by: Kat | March 16, 2009 at 07:46 PM
This was awesome Becca. I just wish I could have helped both Lulu AND Sonny to a dirt nap!
Posted by: B | March 16, 2009 at 07:56 PM
Kat, we did a post like that a long time ago, but Mal and I were actually just emailing this weekend that it is time for another.
Dawn, it's wrong that I kind of want one of those, right?
Posted by: Becca | March 16, 2009 at 08:01 PM
My usual verboseness fails me, as does the good humor that usually accompanies my reading of your hilarious posts.
I am so disgusted that the new guy is on contract while Mac, Alexis, Ric, the Q's, etc., get two minutes a week. AND I am so tired of Jason, Sonny, Claudia, Carly and Jax taking up 90% of this suck-ass show. And the stupid damn PPD storyline that is RUINING Scrubs before they even had a chance to be happy for 5 minutes MAKES ME WANT TO GO POSTAL!!!
Clearly, the only way they will be able to use even half the actors they employ is if they go to the format Port Charles used of 12-week story arcs. But it doesn't even matter, because I'm sure they would somehow fuck that up too.
A colonoscopy with no anesthetic would be less painful than watching this total effing shitfest every day. Bend over, viewers, here comes another one.
Posted by: amiejayne | March 17, 2009 at 12:20 AM
I have never ever understood the GH mindest that is ..."We need to cut long time cast members in order to save budget money. But lets also bring on a bunch of random newbies!" Remember when they trotted out the budget excuse as to why they canned Stuart Damon....and then promptly brought on James/Jerry, Cooper and Logan? Gosh they were just long term additions weren't they?
And you know they are all over there at Prospect STudios completely confused as to how AMC overtook them in the ratings...not with soaring ratings themsevels but more due to GH's plummetting numbers...when they have such totally awesome stuff going on right now like "triangles" centered around Rebecca that will be resolved the SECOND she is revealed to be Emily (what? like I'm wrong?), Jason being persecuted by the evil FBI and the return of that fan favorite character...Michael!
Posted by: Beth R. | March 17, 2009 at 08:00 AM
Beth R., you are not wrong. Nothing ever changes at GH. Whenever the ratings drop, we get more mob. Mob, mob, mob...
What they are doing to Robin is crime! Frons should be embarrassed to go along with this horror of a storyline.
Posted by: Simone | March 17, 2009 at 10:58 AM
I don't really have to comment because everyone has already expressed how I feel..except to say: GH DESERVES TO GO DOWN THE DRAIN!!!
They have Robin and.......Patrick who are a dynamite couple...not to mention have Chemistry that is undeniable and unbelievable...and yet we haven't been allowed to see five minutes past the best wedding tv has produced in years and instead of seeing the honeymooners in a few love scenes and with their adorable baby...they jam weeks of Carly flaunting that mop...ignoring her child and making out till we want to puke...so I will continue to read this column till I hear Robin and Patrick are back together for real....in the meantime I'll read fanfiction...GH should really consider hiring them to replace guza and I bet they'd be a lot cheaper and they are doing a much better job!!!
Posted by: M. Johnson | March 17, 2009 at 11:07 AM
as always you guys are the best!! GH writing sucks and well the show in general but coming here always makes me laugh, and cry in a good way unlike when I watch GH when I cry for different reasons I cry cause this used to be in like 1995-1998 when I was a teen in love with Micheal Sutton, Steve Burton, and Mourice Bernard the best soap and well the best show. Now I cry cause this show SUCKS and laugh... well I don't really laugh when I watch I just feel anger and pain. anger at myself cause I still watch it and anger at the show and the morons who "write" it.
Posted by: sweetgjb | March 17, 2009 at 01:48 PM
I completely agree with you M Johnson.
Posted by: sweetgjb | March 17, 2009 at 01:50 PM
Hee! I love that people found this site by their hatred for Winnie.I cannot stand the twit! So of course the geniuses at GH feature her almost every single day. Kill me now.
Posted by: Ann | March 18, 2009 at 01:11 AM
I think that the PPD s/l would work if it won't for Guza trying to destroy Scrubs and make Robin look bad, the fans would like the s/l, but I don't trust Guza to write a grocery list better than a script for GH. This show sucks and hope that it is a miracle that Guza and Frons get fired and get a decent headwriter and exec, but we stuck with dumb and dumber.
Posted by: Gene | March 18, 2009 at 03:10 PM
GH stinks. I think it needs a total overhaul. From ABC head of Daytime Frons to
Guza, to Phelps, to even the lighting guy.
I watched since 79 stopped 12/08.
It had been circling the drain for sometime, now it's in the sewer.
Since this is the soap of messing over fans.
No wonder it stinks.
Posted by: Jinx | March 19, 2009 at 04:24 PM
Ofcourse GH is ruining Robin/Patrick. Nothing new there. They love to ruin couples by giving them no story line--- wait I know this they did this to Liason.
To LuSam. It's time GH is either overhauled or cancelled.
GH needs new blood, new life. A new head of ABC Daytime NOT Frons.
Posted by: Jynx | March 19, 2009 at 04:30 PM
Thank you for a good laugh. Best of all I have stopped watching GH. The toxic balls were my tipping point that and the PPD storyline. I am all for medical storylines and social issues been on soaps-- heck they can be amazing stories but you gotta know Guza and company are not going to play it well. Sonny's bi-polar storyline was another example of horrible writing that wasted what could have been a good story.
Once a heard Ethan was on contract that sealed the deal for me. I dont care who he is or his background!
I want to see Monica, Alexis, Mac, Edward--- Lucky, Liz
Posted by: trishay | March 21, 2009 at 11:54 AM
Adding to Trishay's list...I wanna see more Bobbie, Lucky/Liz and where is Mike (Sonny's dad). Kill Sonny and Mike will be at the funeral...YEA!!!!
Posted by: Pennagirl | March 30, 2009 at 05:58 PM