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« Awful Squared + Terrible x 95 | Main | Because They Didn't Destroy Her Character Enough Last Time... »

March 10, 2009

General Hospital Week in Review

Dear Serial Drama reader who found us with this Google search Friday:

i would like to know what happened on general hospital this week

No, you wouldn't. 

Keep on keepin' on, and maybe start watching Y&R,
Becca

P.S.  However, since we're all about reader service, I will reinstate the Week in Review to help you out.  Please provide the address to which I can send my therapist's bills.

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Johnny seems to almost openly loathe Lulu at this point.

JohnnyLulu

So he's getting close to my position on that particular issue.

But fear not, Lulu has competition for most annoying possible spawn of Luke Spencer.  ("Possible" because I'm holding out hope for a baby-swap explanation for this Lulu creature, and because if that isn't what they're hinting at with Ethan then I have been totally misinterpreting the 2x4-to-the-face-like subtlety of this story thus far.)

Ethan

1) The accent.  I don't know if it's real or fake, but it's annoying.  And I have been known to say things like that I would date absolutely any man with an Australian accent unless he had an extensive and violent criminal record or a strong affinity for Mel Gibson.  2) The actor, while cute, reminds me of Chad Brannon, but in a cheap knock-off kind of way.  3) The hair.  I find it obnoxious.  I didn't think such a thing was possible, but it totally is.

Ethan2

But what I find most annoying -- GALLING, in fact -- is that these writers felt that Luke needed a son-like figure in his life.  Right, because who else could possibly fill that role?  Oh, I don't know, maybe Lucky Spencer, one of the most famous soap kids in history?  If he hadn't been written alternately as a doofus and jackass for the better part of the last five years, before finally coming around recently only to be relegated to Occasional Transporter of Darling Children,

ElizabethLuckyKids2

then maybe Lucky Spencer could have a good storyline with his dad instead of being invisible while a possibly fake Australian dude with exceedingly white teeth alternately worships and flirts with the great and powerful Luke.

P.S.  If they manage to make him less annoying (a feat this writing team is unlikely to accomplish since they can't even do that with characters I used to adore), I want Ethan to be Robin's half-brother.  She could use a sibling, and Luke and Laura's history doesn't need another re-write, thank you.

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So despite the fact that months ago, we were told there was absolutely nothing that could be done to help Michael and he would be in a vegetative state forever (reminder: this is all because he did something bad and deserved to be punished!), now there is a simple, almost risk-free procedure that might help him.  Who could have seen this coming?! 

But alas, there are detractors.

Sonny:  I don't want a bunch of doctors shockin' Michael's brain.

Yes, Carly, you dumbass.  That is the job of errant mob bullets.  And plus, what if something goes wrong and he wakes up like ten years older but without red hair and that faint tinge of devil-child that we loved so much about him?

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Gosh geewillakers, those wacky hijinks with Nikolas and Rebecca and the spilled tomato soup that led to the slip-filled mopping scene

NikRebeccaMop 

NikRebeccaMop2

sure were fun! 

If you have a really limited definition of "fun"!

And when they led to Nikolas, the multi-gabillionaire, having to shower in a rented room above Kelly's which resulted in Rebecca seeing him half-clothed, well, I was shocked and totally didn't see that coming!

NikRebeccaMop3

Oh wait, yes I did.  Because I've watched television before.  But for those of you who hadn't, I hope that whole deal was heaps of entertainment for you. 

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Does the mixing of brown and black in Robin and Patrick’s living room bother anyone else?  On a related note, is it indicative of how poorly handled this PPD storyline is that I am focusing on the decor of the room in which many of the scenes are taking place?

I haven't contemplated Jason Thompson's hotness in at least a week and a half.  This is getting serious, you guys.

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Alexis' reaction at being forced to eat at Kelly's so that Nikolas could continue to stalk NotEmily was hilarious.

AlexisWTF

I concur, Natasha. Though keep in mind that even the Dead Wife Doppelganger is preferable to Nadine, aka Smurfette come to life.

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Sweetie, there are few things on earth that justify being this smug

ClaudiaSmug

. . . and I am 1000% positive that having sex with Sonny isn't one of them.

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Jax and Carly back together:  I will let Olivia express my feelings about this particular development.

JaxCarlyKiss 

JaxCarlyKissOliviaReax

Beyond the fact that the characters were never good together, that Carly sucks the life out of any man who enters her orbit, and that Jax deserves to finally have a love interest who isn't a Sonny cast-off, my biggest objection is this:  THAT FUCKING SONG.  Crap on a cracker, did they get a bulk rate on that joint?  I have a Pavlovian twitch the second I hear those opening notes.

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On an almost daily basis, other than the usual "serial drama blog," "bitchy soap bloggers," and "[Days/GH/AMC] is awful," the Google search that leads the most people to us is some variation of "Kirsten Storms eating disorder." 

MaxieThin

It's not a mystery as to why.  A reminder of the "before," FYI.

Not to get all PSA up in here, and I know this isn't the first time this has been said -- it's not even the first time we've said it -- but if in fact something is wrong (I'm not saying there definitely is, but . . . seriously, there probably is), it's irresponsible of the show to continue putting Kirsten on screen in tiny little dresses that reveal every protruding bone.  Lord knows I love fun fashion on soaps, and Maxie is a bright spot amidst a sea of, well, whatever we're calling what they dress Lulu in, but this is all getting really worrisome. 

We adore Kirsten and hope that all is either well or will be soon. 

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When it comes to soaps, I like to give credit where credit is due.

Um, let me qualify that.  Occasionally, given the right convergence of circumstances, if they are positive and happen to someone of whom I'm generally fond and against whom I hold no particular ill will or responsibility for ruining my shows, I like to give credit where credit is due.

Which brings me to Leslie Charleson.  In the past, I have commented, on occasion, about things she has done to herself.  But lately, it appears she is doing less of them.  And the results are lovely!

Monica

Thumbs up!  Now, if she could just talk to a certain co-star (rhymes with "Tacky Demon").  The soap world would be a better place with more original facial parts in it.

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Maybe it's just me (that's disingenuous -- I know this is an opinion shared by at least one other person, Mallory, but y'all know we're kind of weird), but does it seem like Steve Burton is just totally over this bullshit show lately?  The more I watch him, the more convinced I am that he has become the personification of that internet chestnut, "DO NOT WANT!"

Being your mobtastic second banana once again because -- shockingly -- Sonny is taking his business back?  A Jason and Sam re-tread?  Having to pretend like Jason and Elizabeth got a remotely fair shot at an actual relationship?  Playing straight man to Spinelli's increasingly ridiculous "comedic" setups?  Doing shit like dismantling a bomb over the phone and not cracking up or using expletives?

Steve Burton says and exasperated "Do Not Want" to all of that.

JasonDNW1

JasonDNW4

JasonDNW6 

JasonDNW7 

JasonDNW8

JasonDNW9

JasonDNW10

JasonDNW11

Well, "Do Not Want" times eight, with a side of yawn.

JasonDNW5

That pretty much covers it.  I'm so with you, Steve-o.  I'm way over this show too!  Let's hang out and dish the dirt about how the current showrunners have messed it up, plus you can give me a chance to convince you that the re-Quartermaining story to which you are rumored to be steadfastly opposed is the best possible thing for your character and career at this point.  But I won't buy any of that berry juice crap.  Just wanted to get that out of the way right now.

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You know, I thought that Spinelli could not annoy me more.  Then three things happened:

1)

SpinelliBeard

2)  Friday's episode title:  "Winifred and Spinelli go on the run"

3)

SpinelliIndianaJones

Spinelli as Indiana Jones?  I just can't go on anymore, I'm sorry.  Please feed my dog and water my plants, and make sure that someone who knows about leather care and lint-bag usage gets my handbags.

Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason.

Comments

I love your Wks in Review! So glad they're reinstated! Screencaps are love. I am SO worried about KS.

SO glad you also find Ethan annoying. I can't decide who i hate more, Winnie or Ethan. Grrr

Teethan needs to go....like yesterday....although I will watch Lucky transport around those children for endless hours at a time....if someone was interested in saving this show...i'm just saying that is a place to start. Even more so if Lucky is say shirtless at said time.

If Steve really is over it....then I do have to point out his contract is up this year...so you know option!

I saw Spinelli's attempts at "photoshopping" his passport photo...and I guffudered. Really? THAT is the best the computer genius came up with? Something I've seen four year olds do with that Disturbing Magnetic Hair Face thing.....the Y&R ad with Peter Bergman's head on another man's body was better.

If we could hear what Steve Burton was thinking to himself in those screencaps I bet it would be something like this... "If the economy had not have tanked so bad I would be selling a lot more magic berry juice crap and I could have quit this fucking show and live off my multi level marketing magic berry profits."

GH reaches new levels in annoying hair you want to rip off an actors head with TeEthan. His daily follicle offenses are even more disturbing than Spinelli's. Way to reach for the stars GH.

And what a special brand of sad it is when viewers would rather watch Lucky run errands with those cute kids than a real episode of GH. In fact, why not fire most of the crew and staff and just shoot Jason Thompson with babies Emma and Greg Vaughn with Cameron going to the park, pr having lunch, or at bath time etc.... That I could watch in real time with out yelling obscenities at my TV like real GH.

I never watched DAYS so I've only seen Kirsten Storms as she is now. But when I clicked on your link to the "before" picture, I've never been more horrified. She looks nothing like she used to! I am really finding it hard to believe that is the same person! O. M. G. Someone get her some help, NOW!

Thanks for the recap, Becca. Hilarious as always!

Sarah...add in Jason Thompson and Greg Vaughan hanging out together and doing all that....I think we have hit on a winning combination! Emmys here we come!

I know I don't say it enough, but I love this blog.

Please, be aware that there is one person who clicks here at least five times a day to find new posts.

I don't watch any soap anymore as I couldn't take it. However, I love reading this blog. I even read about the shows I don't know or watched long time ago (YR, AMC).

All your posts are brilliant, funny and and most importantly (which is also most tragical) true.

So please keep writing about the characters and couples we once loved. It is hugely appreciated.

Btw have you ever considered to get more primetime oriented?

After so much praise, I'd like to ask for a favour. Please, next time, bit warning before posting something like the Spinelli Screenshot Screencap. I've got supper to finish. Not using any Campbell product, I think, I deserve some compassion, don't you think so?

Anyway, a great post as usual, thanks for taking your time to watch the show for us who can't anymore.

You guys are mind readers! I swear you guys write exactly what I was thinking! It's uncanny!!

I agree with everything you said, from the storylines, to the decor, and even the fashion - Kirsten needs to eat a cheeseburger or something, her cute size 00 dresses are starting to look baggy

And Steve Burton looks ticked off/annoyed in every scene. From all the rumors of backstage drama, it sounds like the GH set is a nightmare right now.

Great work as usual, ladies. So glad Jolu seems to be on the verge of demise. Now if we can just bring on the JoMax. On a related note, Brandon Barash looks super hot in that leather jacket.

Amen to your Ethan analysis. He's sooooo annoying, and you're absolutely right about how Lucky totally deserves to have a good storyline with his father. Although judging by the rumors swirling around GV and Lucky, we might not even be seeing much of him hotly interacting with adorable children. (Yes, I know I used the Patrick hotly modifier for Lucky, but I feel that Lucky deserves one of those too.)

Don't get me started on Robin's PPD storyline. It had potential, so of course the writer's had to eff that up, and now it's only going to get worse. I cringe.

Loved the Alexis/Nik scene, although I must admit I'm surprised that you didn't mention Nikolas and Nadine finally coming to an end that was as painfully awkward as their entire relationship. So glad that happened.

And I agree, Leslie Charleson has been looking much better lately, and she-who-will-not-be-named would do well to follow Monica's example and stop with whatever she's doing to herself.

And Spinelli... there are just no words. Steve Burton's screencaps are enough.

In an interview kirsten said she became a vegetarian and lost all that weight,and it stayed off. The same thing happened with my cousin.

I too miss contemplating JT's hotness. He has this weird bangs thing going on and I just can't watch his scenes anymore.

My plan for Michael: he wakes up wanting to be a Quartermaine. Since Jason refuses to get his brain fixed, I'll take the only other REAL Quartermaine I can get. New personality, hair color, and name, and Michael may be watchable.

"Dear Serial Drama reader who found us with this Google search Friday:

i would like to know what happened on general hospital this week

No, you wouldn't." <-------- I read this at work and damn near cried I was laughing so hard...the rest of your blog was spot on brilliant (as usual!), but damn, if that wasn't the funniest thing I've read in a while!

Thanks for always cheering us up! At least something that is related to the GH universe still has the ability to make us smile!

This Ethan character is the worst thing to come down the acting pike in I don't know how long. I swear, if I turn away from my TV when he's on, I can't understand a word Mumbles says. He sounds like a shit salesman with his samples in his mouth.

It used to be that the writing was annoying on GH but the actors were either a) awesome or b)gorgeous -- and in some cases, both. What has happened to casting director Mark Teschner's spot-on judgment when it comes to hiring? Did he go blind? Have a stroke? What's with the influx of truly awful and annoying characters? Lulu, Spinelli, Winifred and Ethan are all unwatchable.

I'll grant that Lulu and Spinelli might have started off with some promise and Guza's horrible writing overexposed them to the point that the audience loathes them. Bradford Anderson can be charming in small doses and I think he's a pretty good actor so I'll blame that one on Guza. JMB is a bit more problematic because she started off quite touching with the abortion storyline then Guza's writing seemed to focus on her and, as is his way, brought out the worst elements of the character: shrieky yappy pouty. However, JMB was the one who decided to play those attributes nonstop so she has to own my current loathing of her and her character.

However, Winifred and Ethan are the most annoying characters to ever appear on daytime. AND they were annoying from the first moment they aired, so it's not just that Guza writes crap for them (he does) -- it's that they are HORRIBLE actors and actually have negative screen presence. How is that possible? And how is it possible that Mark Teschner, the guy Rolling Stone and TV Guide call "The actor's casting director" and someone with "unparalleled track record for finding new talent" could cast these two horrors? Every enjoyable character for the past 17 years was cast by this guy (oh Josh Duhan, I miss your brutal hotness) and he chooses Winifred and Ethan?? I smell a rat.

What? Did Guza get tired of being the worst thing about GH and order Teschner to tank the next two hires? Is Frons breaking into Teschner's computer and changing the results? What could explain the major casting suckitude in the cluster-fuck that IS GH?

Please NEVER wish that creature on my girl Robin as a half-sibling (or anything else) ever ever again. I may have to shun you for all eternity if you do so. On a real soap, I might not object to Robin getting a sibling but you know Guza would screw her over somehow whilst also screwing over Robert. So...NO THANK YOU.

I cannot even watch those Spin fantasies anymore. Enough is bloody well enough, GH. Not that I can watch much of anything else on this crapfest either.

Let me say I am not surprised that the super talented and lovely Nancy Lee Grahn is one of the only ones to earn any praise from you, even with her whopping 1.5 minutes of airtime last week.

Okay, like I don't have enough reason to hate TPTB on GH, but let's look at all the other female characters in these screen caps. At the least, they have covered upper arms, chests, most are wearing coats. 'Cause, after all, it's still freakin' winter in upstate NY.

Now let's look at KS. A strapless gown? In March? Really?

That suggests to me that someone thinks she looks GREAT and we need to see more of her skin. (Instead of being horrified and ashamed, like any sane person, and forcing her to cover those pipe cleaner arms until she puts some weight on.) So what's that going to tell KS? Less weight equals more screen time.

UGH!

I've got to repeat your priceless LOL line: "Nadine, aka Smurfette come to life" as it a perfect description of how Nadine was portrayed by the actres in the role.

The first time in over a decade that GH conjured up the possibility of a really nifty, neat, quirky, sweet & pristine (as in untainted by mob thugs or horny doctors) female character & they got a silly "smurf" type to play the part. OY!!

See, this is why I don't even watch GH anymore. Not even for Robin and Patrick, who were my sole reasons for watching in the first place. That show robs people of the will to live which is really appropriate, I suppose, given their penchant for violence.

On a slightly related note, there is this awesome interview on Daytime Confidential with Seamus Dever where he promotes his new show, Castle, and also basically talks smack about how Guza and Co. randomly ruined his character, Ian Devlin, on GH. It's both hilarious and refreshingly honest - he makes fun of the fact that Michael was shot as punishment for playing with guns, which is in direct reference to that stupid Guza quote. According to him, JFP said that once you shoot a Corinthos, there's really no hope for you. In response to that, one of the interviewers responds - "but they can shoot anyone they want, right?"

*Sigh*

Ain't that the truth?

Mel,

I actually watched the opening to that show and all I could think was, "At least ABC can START a show well."

And then I watched an episode of Brothers and Sisters and thought, "What do these writers know that no one else does?"

I'm actually looking forward to both, a new thing when it comes to ABC. Thank you Guza for making "your" show so unwatchable I don't even get the urge to watch the episodes on YouTube any longer. Oh and burn in hell for what you're doing to Kristina.

I hate Daytime Confidential...but oohhhh how I love Guza smack.......the Sophie's Choice of it all!

Awesome Recap!!! LMAO!!!

If you would not have had that "before" picture of Kirsten Storms I would not have believed it. She needs some SUBSTANTIAL FOOD QUICK!!!! Thanks for bringing the GH recaps back. I miss the funny and as per usual, I agree with all that was written. Keep it moving in the snarkalicious direction LADIES!!!! WHOO!! YEAHHHH!!!

I like Ethan - especially if he's the son of Robert and Holly. FYI - his accent is real. The actor was born in Australia.

I love the screencaps of Steve Burton. Yea, he's so over this show too! LOL

Is that Zander? Oh, never mind. I don't care.

Soaps should be paying you guys for these recaps. They're infinitely more entertaining than the actual shows and keep the briefest, teeny-tiniest amount of remaining interest in the shows as the recaps will allow.

Steve Burton has had numerous scenes over the past year or more where you can totally tell he is struggling not to laughing his ass off at this show, but I don't blame him for resisting a return to Quartermainia. He knows that under Guza, being part of the GH founding family is a death sentence.

I adore Alexis and curse the stupid bastard writers who can't be bothered to remember she's on the show. She has amazing chemistry with every single actor on the show, and I especially love her relationships with Jax and Nikolas.

And speaking of Jax... while he and Carly were "boosting employee morale" by making out in the hotel lobby, I was struggling to keep my lunch down. Seriously, you can learn how to fly a helicopter but you can't figure out that the twelfth reconciliation is not going to be the one that sticks, buddy?

I don't hate Ethan as much as everyone else seems to (don't shoot me, but I liked Nadine, too, right up until the plow patent), but will this show ever stop glorifying criminal behavior? (BTW, I kind of hope he's Robert's son, because I liked his interactions with Robin and I'll take any tiny chance that some actual story could bring back TR.) (Also BTW, I kind of liked that for once, someone- most amazingly, Lulu- was actually suspicious of a criminal in Port Charles, except that it was so clearly the transparent attempt to portray that she is secretly attracted to yet ANOTHER criminal/creep that I almost cried.) The little Con Man Mutual Admiration Society Ethan and Luke had going on last week made me want to throw things, especially when Luke continues to disparage Lucky for daring to become a law enforcement officer instead of a crook! Effing bastards! That makes me angrier than Jason averting disaster and saving the town every week. Ditto for Winnie, who I wish Jason actually WOULD make "disappear" for referring to the FBI as evildoers. Pardon my French, but what the fucking fucked-up fuck is wrong with these writers?????

Robin needs to get some help. Miraculously, baby Emma survived the treehouse. But if Awesome Writer doesn't hurry up and write her into therapy, Guza or one of the other hacks is going to write some "fantastic" "sweeps" "story" where Emma gets kidnapped and killed by some enemy of Sonny's or Jason's because Robin is such a terrible mom, and I may end up in prison for what that will make me do.

And I love Spinelli, for which I will not apologize; he and Maxie are adorably sweet with each other. But if he continues to break the law and worship Jason, I will add him to the list of criminals on GH who should be charged and sent to prison, which will kind of make the romance a bit harder to get off the ground....

And finally, a toast to Leslie Charleson, who is getting her old (BETTER!) face back. Lady looks terrific!

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