I Need You Guys to Keep Me Apprised of Things Like This
One Life to Live viewers, we need to talk. Last year, Mallory and I did not completely lose our minds and start indiscriminately swearing or punching passers-by when it seemed like every third comment on our predictably whiny and bitchy GH posts was some variation on "Hey dumbasses, you should watch OLTL instead!" We heard about how Ron Carlivati hung the moon and slid down a rainbow, how the show was the best thing to happen to soaps since chest waxing, and how OLTL's ratings were clearly the result of viewers shunning goodness and light. Throughout all that, we mocked you...hardly at all! And yet now, when I needed you to be there for me in return, you failed me.
You are, in case you were not aware, contractually required as our loyal readers to notify me when something as significant as this occurs:
Scott Clifton got super hot! He is almost, dare I say, looking a bit Ryan Reynolds-esque. Not one of you people could have dropped me an email? A screencap would have sufficed; I don't require that everything be accompanied by unnecessary editorializing.
For real, thumbs up to Scott, because he looks fantastic. Not that I didn't before, because I am not just about shallow things (zip it!), but now I really want him to come back to General Hospital. No wait, that wasn't an insult! I would love to see him and Kirsten Storms work together again, except this time instead of hating his hair, Maxie can fall for her dead sister's ex-husband. Soapy!
But back to OLTL for a sec: The sisterly duo of Stacy and Gigi? Mother of deity-of-your-choice, make the lambs stop screaming. Why did none of you bitches tell me about that horror show either?! I swear, I cannot rely on you for anything.
(This seems like the appropriate time to mention that for our next Soap Opera Digest column, Mallory and I each watched two new-to-us soaps for a week. Mallory's critique of Guiding Light isn't even on the stands yet and the damned show is already practically canceled. Wait to go, Mal. Jeez.)