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« Just The 10 Of Us. And By "Us", I Mean "Viewers" | Main | New Feature Alert: Soap Blog Coalition »

March 18, 2009

I Survive This Show Through Repression and Denial

Random Internet searchers are as down on soap operas as Becca and I are, judging by the search queries that lead people here. From the hate HATE of Ryan Lavery to the searing hatred of General Hospital's Winifred to today's hurt:

zach kendall why? hurt

Has there ever been a more heartbreaking four-word question posed to a search engine? I don't think there has been.

The "why?" conveys such despair, and I assume that the hurt is an admission of the pain one suffers while watching a popular couple implode. I want to make this Googler chicken soup and tell them that it will be okay! But that will technically be a lie, because this show is about as far from okay as...I can't even think of an analogy. AMC has entered a realm of wrongness that is so wrong that there is no comparison.

I am dealing with this wrongness by steadfastly refusing to believe that I actually saw certain things. I have been having trouble sleeping lately and, at one point last night, I was so exhausted that I wondered if what I was seeing on AMC was actually happening, or if it were a dream (or, since I was watching Kendall and Ryan hook up, I should revise that to say "nightmare"). Normally, the possibility of hallucinating such disturbing things would concern me, but I have to admit, I will deal with it if it means that I can pretend that certain things never happened.

Like...Ryan and Kendall never had sex!

Because, honestly, that wouldn't make sense at all. If Kendall needed to have sex to dull the pain of losing her best friend and her husband she could, frankly, do better than Ryan. Between his personality and their tortured history, that had Bad Idea Jeans written all over it. And while Kendall is prone to poor decision-making, I like to think she is smarter than that.

Sure, SOAPNet has a picture of this alleged event--Photoshop, anyone?--that accompanies a really terrible article about Kendall being a trampy tramp. But that must be part of my hallucination, too! Because if it were real, it would acknowledge that it takes two to tango, and that Our Lord and Savior Ryan Lavery is also a big fan of grief sex, and it wouldn't put such a lame "Haha, Kendall is a slut" spin on things.

And because Ryan and Kendall never had sex, they never had this ooky conversation!

Kendall: Did a part of me want to hurt Zach? Maybe. But that's not why it happened. You said that making love stirred up something inside of you. Well, I know this -- this sounds crazy, and I don't even understand it, but you're not the only one.

Ryan: What are you saying?

Kendall: Well, just -- being this close to you and being together -- I had no idea how much I miss that. So if you feel sorry for what happened and if you wish you could take it back, ok. But for right now, can you just hold me? Please?

My insomniac world is the best, isn't it?

Divider

I am also operating under the assumption that any and all Zach/Reese scenes are the product of my sleep-deprived mind.

Reese: Ok, ok, ok, you know what? Enough. Enough with the guilt. For the last time, you are not responsible. Blame the cyst. And you know what? Don't even say anything, because I heard enough last night about what a horrible person you are, or how -- how you ruin lives, how -- you know what? Frankly, I didn't really believe it last night, I don't believe it now. So get over it or go away.

Zach: All right. I mean, all right, no more guilt. I'm not leaving. I'm staying right here.

Reese: Good. Good, you know, because I have to admit, for a while there, I thought that I had lost my friend for good.

Zach: Hey. Mine is going to be the first face you see when you open your eyes

Because the alternative, the idea that someone said "You know what this show needs is more Zach/Reese bonding. The audience is just clamoring for more of these two. Zeese = Besties 4Eva!", is too scary for me to contemplate. Equally scary is the speed with which Zach has become...it's a story for another post but the short version: unwatchable.

Divider

I think it is possible that David also struggles with insomnia and it has led him to be a total fucking lunatic:

David: And how predictable of you to end it. 3,000 Miles away, you still couldn't say no to daddy. You dragged Babe back here just in time to crush her to death.

J.R.: You know damn well the tornadoes did that.

David: No, no, no, no. For once in your pathetic life, Junior, face it. You killed Babe. Well, I'm not going to let you kill her son, too. And neither is the judge who signed those papers that are going to lead us right to him. 

Those words that he is saying...they are all words. But they don't make sense! I know it must be hard to make David's single-minded "Babe good. Babe dead. JR bad. I get JR" dialogue interesting when it is repeated ad nauseum, but they have to be able to do better than that.

I know what you're thinking, that, um, we're talking about AMC, these writers can't possibly do better, but I have to admit that JR has been cracking me up lately. Maybe that, too, is a function of sleep deprivation, but...

J.R.: So she can take her devil baby, go straight to hell with it, and when Hayward gets there he can do whatever he wants with them.

DEVIL BABY! I laughed way too loud, for way too long at that. It's the little things in life, you know?

Comments

You dream some godawful shit, Mallory. Stop it! Of all the pukewad garbage that you imagined, the worst part was that Ryan was the one to regret fornicating, while Kendall was alright with it. She even used the WhoreMistress' favorite word for it: Comfort. And then she asked for more.

Zach Kendall Hurt Why?

The only fun thing left on your imaginary dreamscape is the citizenry at large giving Krystal the cold shoulder and - yeah - the occasional snorff over a devil child reference or a tacky dress putdown. (Did you SEE that frontless, backless number that Opal held up?!!)

Please, dream us a happy story?

Can you try to lay off of Kendall a bit? I don't like what she's doing right now, either, not at all- but it's a direct result of constantly being belittled and demeaned by her husband.

Isn't it time to call Zach on the way he's acting to her? It's begun to border on emotional abuse.

No wonder Kendall is reeling.

cms, sit tight, because a full post about exactly that is coming! I have my bitch pants on and a lot to say, so a full entry is on its way.

(I did not mean for that to rhyme. I really need to sleep...)

buddz, it's just my luck, isn't it, that I dream about horrible things?! I wish that happy things could happen in Pine Valley but I don't even think my subconscious is nutty enough to make that happen.

Wow! You know what? Reese says "you know what" way too much.

I personally I am done with AMC I can't stand the writer's trying to have the viewer have some kind of empathy for Reese it's not going to happen ever. I think by trying to make Kendall the bad guy they believe that we are gullible enough to come around to the whole Zac and Reese whatever it is. For this viewer and my friends it isn't happening and I am done. Nothing is going to make me go back to watching this show unless we go back in time and it is not happening. I guess the writer's are giving themselves a pat on the back for being the number 1 soap on abc as if that something to be proud of. I hate All My Children that's it I am just so darn frustrated.

I am totally digusted by this turn of events that I refuse to watch this garbage! Come On AMC We want Love in the afternoon not this crap!

I know you two don't watch OLTL. If you can find the time give it a few weeks, you'll be amazed that this is ABC Daytime.

But if I had my way AMC and GH would vanish and ABC would put on 3 hours of OLTL. It has been genius lately. The history is fantastic and the past few years it's been improving steadily with only a few sore points not worth mentioning. The point is when a change of leadership was needed, it happened, and it even worked!

Everything AMC and GH do so offensively, recklessly, and horribly OLTL does with brilliance.

After a while the best and brightest from AMC and GH could migrate to Llanview and join that show already in progress. Enough time would need to pass to let go of all the nightmare memories. So we could all leave behind the hideousness of AMC and GH.

Angie, Patrick, Robin, Dr.'s Martin, and Monica could work at the hospital where many pivotal stories are told without toxic balls.

Jessie could join Bo and the gang at the LPD. Where the cops may not be on a roll, but they are not Dufus Central either.

Edward, Ned, Erica and the Chandler men (not JR) could bring new life to the business world in town.

Bring all the best characters and let the mobsters and losers rot off air forever.

THAT IS WHAT I WILL DREAM OF TONIGHT.

Thanks ladies, it's always nice to share outrage.

"I know you two don't watch OLTL. If you can find the time give it a few weeks, you'll be amazed that this is ABC Daytime. "

Cold, cruel, manipulative men (John, Todd) treated as heroes and desired by half the women in town. Stories that never seem to end, or end much too suddenly. Focus on degrading treatment of women (Stacy). Endless hysteria to showcase bad couples (Rex/Gigi). Wretched teen characters.

OLTL has some better acting and better use of a few of the vets, but it's an ABC soap through and through. And all they run on now is constant dramatic events and illnesses.

Repression and denial are the way to go! I am a big fan of it!

It is just a soap opera isn't it?

Frons has gotten his sticky little hands all over OLTL in recent months, and the show is suffering for it. Its quality varies wildly from day to day anymore (so much that I'm getting whiplash!) I can't believe I'm going to say it, but Guiding Light has been mostly fantastic lately, since Grant Aleksander returned. Who knew that a well-written core character played by a talented actor was the way to go? Ahem.

Even though I no longer watch any of the soaps you two blog about, I can't get enough of your "bitchy little slice of the internet." Kudos to you both!

I disagree w/ you Carl. But I'm too depressed to debate this issue. All I know is I watch all three ABC soaps and lately the only one that does not require FF or induces VOM is OLTL. I actually enjoy it. Whatever it's faults, I can trust I will recognize all the characters on OLTL. GH is like bizzarro world and AMC is a disaster. A promo actually called Ryan a good man.

Kendall + Ryan = BAD television!! When are they going to figure that out and stop toturing us? Seriously this is like the sixth time they've been thrown together due to writer laziness.

Also they need to realize that Ryan Lavery ruins everything. What kind of guy goes to identify the "love of his life's" body and five seconds later has sex with her best friend/step-sister? A creeptastic, life ruining skanky guy that's what kind. Although he did exceed my moral expectations by waiting until Greenlee's body was found and she was pronounced dead to have sex and "fall in love" with another woman.

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