I Survive This Show Through Repression and Denial
Random Internet searchers are as down on soap operas as Becca and I are, judging by the search queries that lead people here. From the hate HATE of Ryan Lavery to the searing hatred of General Hospital's Winifred to today's hurt:
Has there ever been a more heartbreaking four-word question posed to a search engine? I don't think there has been.
The "why?" conveys such despair, and I assume that the hurt is an admission of the pain one suffers while watching a popular couple implode. I want to make this Googler chicken soup and tell them that it will be okay! But that will technically be a lie, because this show is about as far from okay as...I can't even think of an analogy. AMC has entered a realm of wrongness that is so wrong that there is no comparison.
I am dealing with this wrongness by steadfastly refusing to believe that I actually saw certain things. I have been having trouble sleeping lately and, at one point last night, I was so exhausted that I wondered if what I was seeing on AMC was actually happening, or if it were a dream (or, since I was watching Kendall and Ryan hook up, I should revise that to say "nightmare"). Normally, the possibility of hallucinating such disturbing things would concern me, but I have to admit, I will deal with it if it means that I can pretend that certain things never happened.
Like...Ryan and Kendall never had sex!
Because, honestly, that wouldn't make sense at all. If Kendall needed to have sex to dull the pain of losing her best friend and her husband she could, frankly, do better than Ryan. Between his personality and their tortured history, that had Bad Idea Jeans written all over it. And while Kendall is prone to poor decision-making, I like to think she is smarter than that.
Sure, SOAPNet has a picture of this alleged event--Photoshop, anyone?--that accompanies a really terrible article about Kendall being a trampy tramp. But that must be part of my hallucination, too! Because if it were real, it would acknowledge that it takes two to tango, and that Our Lord and Savior Ryan Lavery is also a big fan of grief sex, and it wouldn't put such a lame "Haha, Kendall is a slut" spin on things.
And because Ryan and Kendall never had sex, they never had this ooky conversation!
Kendall: Did a part of me want to hurt Zach? Maybe. But that's not why it happened. You said that making love stirred up something inside of you. Well, I know this -- this sounds crazy, and I don't even understand it, but you're not the only one.
Ryan: What are you saying?
Kendall: Well, just -- being this close to you and being together -- I had no idea how much I miss that. So if you feel sorry for what happened and if you wish you could take it back, ok. But for right now, can you just hold me? Please?
My insomniac world is the best, isn't it?
I am also operating under the assumption that any and all Zach/Reese scenes are the product of my sleep-deprived mind.
Reese: Ok, ok, ok, you know what? Enough. Enough with the guilt. For the last time, you are not responsible. Blame the cyst. And you know what? Don't even say anything, because I heard enough last night about what a horrible person you are, or how -- how you ruin lives, how -- you know what? Frankly, I didn't really believe it last night, I don't believe it now. So get over it or go away.
Zach: All right. I mean, all right, no more guilt. I'm not leaving. I'm staying right here.
Reese: Good. Good, you know, because I have to admit, for a while there, I thought that I had lost my friend for good.
Zach: Hey. Mine is going to be the first face you see when you open your eyes
Because the alternative, the idea that someone said "You know what this show needs is more Zach/Reese bonding. The audience is just clamoring for more of these two. Zeese = Besties 4Eva!", is too scary for me to contemplate. Equally scary is the speed with which Zach has become...it's a story for another post but the short version: unwatchable.
I think it is possible that David also struggles with insomnia and it has led him to be a total fucking lunatic:
David: And how predictable of you to end it. 3,000 Miles away, you still couldn't say no to daddy. You dragged Babe back here just in time to crush her to death.
J.R.: You know damn well the tornadoes did that.
David: No, no, no, no. For once in your pathetic life, Junior, face it. You killed Babe. Well, I'm not going to let you kill her son, too. And neither is the judge who signed those papers that are going to lead us right to him.
Those words that he is saying...they are all words. But they don't make sense! I know it must be hard to make David's single-minded "Babe good. Babe dead. JR bad. I get JR" dialogue interesting when it is repeated ad nauseum, but they have to be able to do better than that.
I know what you're thinking, that, um, we're talking about AMC, these writers can't possibly do better, but I have to admit that JR has been cracking me up lately. Maybe that, too, is a function of sleep deprivation, but...
J.R.: So she can take her devil baby, go straight to hell with it, and when Hayward gets there he can do whatever he wants with them.
DEVIL BABY! I laughed way too loud, for way too long at that. It's the little things in life, you know?