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« New Feature Alert: Soap Blog Coalition | Main | Why Couldn't the ABC Soaps Be Pre-Empted Instead? »

March 19, 2009

Nancy Drew and the Case of the Never-Ending Boredom

You'd think that a show which provides so many improbable, poorly written plots would be fascinating to watch, in the train wreck sort of way. You would be wrong because General Hospital, home to a number of ludicrous plots that exceeds the population of some small nations, is sooooo boring.

Don't get me wrong; I still have a quasi-hysterical outraged reaction to something at least once per scene, but the scenes are endless. And the show goes on for so long. When Sonny started to lecture Olivia about the evils of mail tampering, I violently rolled my eyes (a la Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer) and caught a glimpse of the clock and saw that it was 3:03 and then the theme started playing. It felt like the show should have been half over!


How about those scintillating Sonny and Olivia scenes, and the reminder that Olivia has a secret?!

Sonny: We all have secrets, even Jax. Even you.

Olivia: I'll never tell.

Subtle! I can't wait for all of the similarly clever anvils we will get during the months (or, god forbid, years) that the Dante secret stays hidden.


Carly and Jax renewing their vows was sweet and I am all for pretty people being married and being pretty


...but I am so over these two and their cycle of being happy before some contrived plot point comes their way and they implode, causing Jax to leave town and then come back to be happy again.


[Here is the part where I'd normally talk about Spinelli and Winifred and how awful Winifred is and how their lame storyline and steadfast refusal to speak actual human English irritates me in such a way that all I can do is screech, literally, like a CRAZY PERSON, but even remembering the lame awfulness is giving me agita, so in the interest of sparing my blood pressure a massive spike, I am going to move on]



Oh, Patrick. So hot, so freaking moronic.


Patrick: Robin gets so upset when I talk to anybody about this.

That's so weird that someone would be angry about her husband talking about her mental health to anyone physically capable of listening to him.

Elizabeth: With love and patience.

Patrick: I tried that already.


"Patience? Yeah, I tried that for like a day and it didn't work. What else?"

Patrick: You know, I got to be honest, Elizabeth. I mean, somebody's going to have to take care of Emma, and I'm pretty pissed off about all this. I mean, Robin's a mother, you know.

Hi Patrick, 1953 called and wants you to shut the fuck up.

Patrick: Until she admits she has a problem, it's up to me to take care of Emma.

NO! No, that's just unreasonable. The FATHER taking care of a BABY?! That's INSANE. We cannot let that happen! Let's go find the mentally ill mother and browbeat her into coming back to town and taking care of Emma, the way god intended!

Emma's all, "Are you kidding me with this, Dad?"



The less said about "Nancy Green" and her "adventures" in Rochester, the better. Aside from how utterly bizarre it is that the writers think that PPD includes the desire to run away and invent a new life....who picks Nancy Green as their fake name?! I often use a fake name at Starbucks (not because I am crazy, but because nobody ever gets my name right. And then the barista is calling "Melanie? Melanie?" and I don't realize that I am supposed to be Melanie. At least if I give a fake name that cannot be misheard, I will know what to expect. Okay, maybe I am crazy), but I make sure to choose something fun and exciting.


Hey, Mac! Good to see you! Can't wait to see you be all awesome and stuff.

Maxie: Hi. I got your message. Did you guys find Robin?

Mac: No, not yet. But I've got the department working on it. And until then, I'm taking Emma out of this house.


Maxie: I noticed something was up the night of the hospital crisis. Johnny and I found Robin's minivan broken down on the side of the road, and then Robin herself wandering through the snow. She had no idea where Emma was. She was acting like she didn't even know she had a baby.

Mac: Well, she did the smart thing. It was freezing out, she wrapped her up and put her in a sheltered place.



Glad I wasn't holding my breath on the whole "being awesome" thing.



"Hi, I'm Liz. I'm stunningly gorgeous, more than a little fabulous, a legacy character, the mother of the most sainted human being's child, a nurse at the General Hospital that General Hospital gets its name from, and I have ties to pretty much every person in this town. Please enjoy this glimpse of me while it lasts because you probably won't see me again until the end of the month, when I once again pop up as  background scenery! "


I love Alexis, and I always get excited when I see Alexis because, hello, she rules, but it also makes me sad because Nancy Lee Grahn is amazing and gorgeous



And hilarious...

Alexis: [Spinelli] was dressed like one of the Blues Brothers, and I think he was trying to be a secret service agent. 

Alexis: A mob party, cool.

Sonny: Yeah?

Alexis: RSVP or die.

Sonny: You want to keep the streets safe, right?

Alexis: I was just sort of thinking of the party games you could play -- bobbing for body parts, pin the tale on the squealer. Or you could play musical chairs. Whoever doesn't get a chair loses a limb.

(Ha, hee, and ha again!)

...and completely wasted on this show. WHY IS THIS WOMAN NOT THE SHOW'S LEADING LADY? WHY?! Is it because that would be good? And because this show has an allergic reaction to good? Is that it?!

Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason.


Well, damn now I am going to have to find Alexis clips to watch. Nancy Lee Grahn isn't the leading lady because the people who are behind the scenes at GH are total morons who are clearly trying to destroy the show completely.

How about Sonny saying, with a totally straight face, that "HE" makes the city safe. He actually buys into his own insane utterly untrue spin. I wanted Alexis to slap him like in Moonstruck, SNAP OUT OF IT!

Gh's lack of Elizabeth = lack of my viewing

I hate this soap.

the only thing that I could stand about today's natural disaster, I mean episode was Alexis. She was cracking me up with what she said to jason and Sonny. My favorite line was pin the tale on the squealer!! tooo funny!! As for everything else I really could care less about most of the characters except for Robin and Patrick. that being said, I was really pissed at what they had Patrick saying today, I kept saying WTF and wanted to slap him like every 5 seconds. And my girl Robin, while creating a new identity for a woman with PPD is just plain STUPID but at least she has an excuse for acting the way she is, what's Patrick's excuse for being an Ass? GUZA SUCKS!!

Nancy isn't on much because she speaks her mind about what a joke this show has become and they are punishing her for it. She is my complete and utter hero for not taking this crap without saying what she really feels.

I love how Emma is looking at Liz. She's like, "So, when are Cam and I going to be SORASed and start causing insane havoc with our romance? Oh, wait. We're both good kids with no mob ties, so we'll probably be killed off by a serial killer brought back from the dead so Mikey and Morgan can kill HIM. Never mind. I'm gonna sit here and try to learn how to make the 'bitch, please' face."

I love Alexis and hate how little airtime she gets and the assinine stories she is used to prop up.

My doctor says I can't talk about the rest of this episode because it will raise my blood pressure too high. Well, it wasn't my doctor, it was one of the voices in my head. I think I must have PPD too.

Jason Thompson is a totally gorgeous guy who can actually ACT, who in every interview I have ever seen or read comes off as charming and sweet.

So of course, PATRICK is the character that Guza makes a jackass, while Jason the multiple murderer is a saint. I don't even watch this show and it still pisses me off.

Ooh, did you see the foreshadowing of the horrible new SORASed Kristina when she (off camera) hung up the phone on Alexis? This show needs another skanky teen storyline like it needs Guza. Nancy is a goddess, by the way.

Dammit. Stupid, stupid script for Patrick. Same for Robin :(

I still love Alexis, and when she's on I'll try to watch her. This show has gone to hell in a hand basket.

GH is a wreck. When this PPD story started I was worried about Robin's character being damaged, instead it has made Patrick into the biggest asshole. I couldn't believe it when he was complaining about having to take care of Emma because Robin is ill. What does he think that husbands and fathers do? Come home after work, drink a beer and watch tv? This is not the freaking 1950s. He married a woman with HIV. If Robin ever gets sick, is he going to throw his hands up into the air and call her selfish because she can't care for Emma? Someone slap Patrick and then Guza.

Tando, I am in TOTAL agreement with you. TIIC at GH have basically relegated the beautiful and talented Rebecca Herbst to scenery and set dressing. I am sure that Brian Frons is sitting at his desk, trying to figure out a way to make her a Quartermaine so that he can kill her off.

No Elizabeth + No Liason = No GH for me

Olivia and Winifred are a waste of this viewer's time when I would much prefer to watch Elizabeth and Alexis. Hey, Frons and you DUMB AND BLIND?!?!?!

Gosh with "must see" viewing like this....it's such a freaking mystery why AMC beat them in the ratings.

I vote for the hot construction worker guy to leave his town for Port Charles - Liz might need some repairs / a handyman since apparently Lucky is now running all over town chasing Fake Emily.

What a cutie he was.

Patrick may be all asshole / moron over the PPD but he's not entirely wrong - who has a baby they have desperately wanted (and bored the viewers whining for, for about 2 yrs!) then acts all pissy about being expected to you know....MOTHER HER. Mother is a verb as well as a noun.

The PPD thing is an coomplete hack job. Of course bar hopping / pretending you have no baby to pick up strangers = PPD. Really? Come on you lazy writers - how hard is it to Google?

In a dream GH there would be no Olivia, no Winifred, lots of Qs, more Alexis, more Diane, more Jax not being an idiot, more Fab Carly instead of Sonny-propping Carly, no Lulu, more Johnny / Maxie / Spinelli triangle, no Maxie hair extensions, Patrick doing random things hotly, more Lucky, more sarcastic witty Nik and less stalker Nik, and Sonny when seen would be the villian.

Bring on Helena! Hopefully she'll start a story of R. really being Emily but then she and Lucky are all fallen for each other but will she get her memory back? will she return to Nik? Will the brothers resolve their differences? An entire story with no mob! And a butler! yipee!

*I won't even address the annoying boy toy brought on for Luke. I ff every second of that crap.

Everyone does realize that there is only one way to save this show? Stop watching. Stop watching and let the ratings fall farther and then maybe - MAYBE - Frons will be forced to replace Guza. Otherwise, Guza is on this show for life and all the viewers that have somehow hung in there through his completely atrocious show-wrecking-character-assasinating drivel he calls writing - well, they will just get to watch the show continue dying this slow, painful death.

I've never understood why - when all the other shows have managed to get new head-writers two or three times - that Guza has managed to keep his job all these years as he keeps giving the audience the same crap year after year, killing off characters, rewriting history, and assuming the viewers are stupid. What's even more astounding, the success of his storytelling is seen in the ratings as they drop. I know it's popular for the daytime honchos to blame more audience options on their decline but daytime has failed to take responsibility for their part in that decline. They not only gave up on their wider audience long ago (obsessively focusing on that younger demographic - I guess we've seen how that turned out), but they stopped giving the audience good stories. It all comes down to the writing and the writing is amateurish, repetitive and downright stupid. If daytime as a whole wants to wonder about continuing declining ratings, they need look no further than the writing.

Word on Patrick. I knew Robin was going to be thrown under the bus during the PPD s/l, but what the heck are they doing to Patrick? Robin's selfish and irresponsible? Okay, well, who left his child with a neighbor so that he could get drunk at Jake's instead of searching for his mentally ill wife? Who knew is wife was not okay but still continued to put his career over his family? Seriously. What happened to my fiercely loyal, compasionate and logical Patrick? Guza Sucks Toxic Balls!

Patrick is driving me nuts, but Mac's line about "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAKE ROBIN LEAVE HER BABY" is a little over the top blame-the-father, the-mother-can-do-no-wrong!

Because Robin is acting crazy (not like she actually has PPD) and Patrick is not responsible for Robin's being crazy.

<<<...and completely wasted on this show. WHY IS THIS WOMAN NOT THE SHOW'S LEADING LADY? WHY?! Is it because that would be good? And because this show has an allergic reaction to good? Is that it?!>>>

ITA! ITA! ITA! I think you are right on target with that last bit.

Nancy is a GODDESS!!

I haven't watched any GH yet this week and when you started explaining the whole "Nancy Green" storyline from hell I thought you were joking. I hate this stupid show.

Thanks for being the only entertaining thing GH-related in a long long time. Your take on General Awfulness, especially the "Real People with PPD should Sue Bob Guza For Defamation and I'm Ready to Be Their Lawyer" storyline of suck that has destroyed the last vestige of ability to enjoy Patrick and Robin, as a couple, individual characters, or even people who should still exist on the planet. I was cheering for Mac to take Emma. He knows how to raise little girls, doesn't view them as a giant burden, and except when needed to be OOC to prop Patrick's ass, is usually awesome.

Forgot to add - Alexis rocks. I'm still LMAO at the mob party dialogue.

What Tando said.

Also Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy and Friday Night Lights valiantly make up for any entertainment/time/stomach contents lost during extended GH viewage...

Mallory, you are not insane for using a fake name at Starbucks. I don't use a fake name, per se, but I do use my full name because, apparently, "Kimberly" is so much easier to understand than "Kim."

Whoever I'm with usually looks at me like I'm insane, but it just eases the process.

Also, GH totally blows.

Spinelli makes me scream at the TV---get to the point, you idiot! But Winifred.... Yikes!!!! She's more than anyone should be asked to take. I keep thinking that one day TIIC will decide that this nerdspeak is like nails on a blackboard and give it up. But no, everyday we are subjected to the moronic princess and the ridiculous jackal. Save us, FBI. Put them away and throw away the key. Then bring back Bradford Anderson as a character I can like.

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