Nancy Drew and the Case of the Never-Ending Boredom
You'd think that a show which provides so many improbable, poorly written plots would be fascinating to watch, in the train wreck sort of way. You would be wrong because General Hospital, home to a number of ludicrous plots that exceeds the population of some small nations, is sooooo boring.
Don't get me wrong; I still have a quasi-hysterical outraged reaction to something at least once per scene, but the scenes are endless. And the show goes on for so long. When Sonny started to lecture Olivia about the evils of mail tampering, I violently rolled my eyes (a la Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer) and caught a glimpse of the clock and saw that it was 3:03 and then the theme started playing. It felt like the show should have been half over!
How about those scintillating Sonny and Olivia scenes, and the reminder that Olivia has a secret?!
Sonny: We all have secrets, even Jax. Even you.
Olivia: I'll never tell.
Subtle! I can't wait for all of the similarly clever anvils we will get during the months (or, god forbid, years) that the Dante secret stays hidden.
Carly and Jax renewing their vows was sweet and I am all for pretty people being married and being pretty
...but I am so over these two and their cycle of being happy before some contrived plot point comes their way and they implode, causing Jax to leave town and then come back to be happy again.
[Here is the part where I'd normally talk about Spinelli and Winifred and how awful Winifred is and how their lame storyline and steadfast refusal to speak actual human English irritates me in such a way that all I can do is screech, literally, like a CRAZY PERSON, but even remembering the lame awfulness is giving me agita, so in the interest of sparing my blood pressure a massive spike, I am going to move on]
Oh, Patrick. So hot, so freaking moronic.
Patrick: Robin gets so upset when I talk to anybody about this.
That's so weird that someone would be angry about her husband talking about her mental health to anyone physically capable of listening to him.
Elizabeth: With love and patience.
Patrick: I tried that already.
"Patience? Yeah, I tried that for like a day and it didn't work. What else?"
Patrick: You know, I got to be honest, Elizabeth. I mean, somebody's going to have to take care of Emma, and I'm pretty pissed off about all this. I mean, Robin's a mother, you know.
Hi Patrick, 1953 called and wants you to shut the fuck up.
Patrick: Until she admits she has a problem, it's up to me to take care of Emma.
NO! No, that's just unreasonable. The FATHER taking care of a BABY?! That's INSANE. We cannot let that happen! Let's go find the mentally ill mother and browbeat her into coming back to town and taking care of Emma, the way god intended!
Emma's all, "Are you kidding me with this, Dad?"
The less said about "Nancy Green" and her "adventures" in Rochester, the better. Aside from how utterly bizarre it is that the writers think that PPD includes the desire to run away and invent a new life....who picks Nancy Green as their fake name?! I often use a fake name at Starbucks (not because I am crazy, but because nobody ever gets my name right. And then the barista is calling "Melanie? Melanie?" and I don't realize that I am supposed to be Melanie. At least if I give a fake name that cannot be misheard, I will know what to expect. Okay, maybe I am crazy), but I make sure to choose something fun and exciting.
Hey, Mac! Good to see you! Can't wait to see you be all awesome and stuff.
Maxie: Hi. I got your message. Did you guys find Robin?
Mac: No, not yet. But I've got the department working on it. And until then, I'm taking Emma out of this house.
Maxie: I noticed something was up the night of the hospital crisis. Johnny and I found Robin's minivan broken down on the side of the road, and then Robin herself wandering through the snow. She had no idea where Emma was. She was acting like she didn't even know she had a baby.
Mac: Well, she did the smart thing. It was freezing out, she wrapped her up and put her in a sheltered place.
Glad I wasn't holding my breath on the whole "being awesome" thing.
"Hi, I'm Liz. I'm stunningly gorgeous, more than a little fabulous, a legacy character, the mother of the most sainted human being's child, a nurse at the General Hospital that General Hospital gets its name from, and I have ties to pretty much every person in this town. Please enjoy this glimpse of me while it lasts because you probably won't see me again until the end of the month, when I once again pop up as background scenery! "
I love Alexis, and I always get excited when I see Alexis because, hello, she rules, but it also makes me sad because Nancy Lee Grahn is amazing and gorgeous
Alexis: [Spinelli] was dressed like one of the Blues Brothers, and I think he was trying to be a secret service agent.
Alexis: A mob party, cool.
Alexis: RSVP or die.
Sonny: You want to keep the streets safe, right?
Alexis: I was just sort of thinking of the party games you could play -- bobbing for body parts, pin the tale on the squealer. Or you could play musical chairs. Whoever doesn't get a chair loses a limb.
(Ha, hee, and ha again!)
...and completely wasted on this show. WHY IS THIS WOMAN NOT THE SHOW'S LEADING LADY? WHY?! Is it because that would be good? And because this show has an allergic reaction to good? Is that it?!
Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason.