Serial Drama

Self-Centeredness, Thy Name Is Victor

The fallout from the medical miracle that is Ashley and Victor having a child continues to be a big part of Genoa City, with Nick and Phyllis being oh-so mature and taunting Jack about it, Nikki practically being on suicide watch and the proud parents-to-be discussing their little miracle.

Ashley:  I know. But do you understand that I was told I couldn't conceive again? Do you know how amazing this is? I was told this couldn't happen because I lost--I lost Robert. What if something happens?

Victor: It--it won't.

Ashley: But it could. It could. And after... everything that has happened in our lives, I don't think I could bear to bring that kind of pain into our lives again. I'm afraid. I want this baby so, so much. And I know it could all go wrong in a heartbeat.

Victor: My sweetheart, I don't want you to worry about that. Whatever happens, you'll be with me.

Whatever, dead babies totally aren't a big deal! Not if you're lucky enough to be Victor Newman's love of the moment! That honor heals all tragedies.

If I give this story credit for anything, it is for giving me more snarky Jack Abbott, who both disturbed and tickled me with this...evocative visual:

Jack: Yeah, I may need a drink more than you do. I got some bad news of my own tonight. Ashley is pregnant. Yeah! Our sister is growing a little baby mustache of her own.

I laughed and shuddered at the same time.

Because They Didn't Destroy Her Character Enough Last Time...

Even though the Holly Sutton that viewers knew and loved was nowhere to be found when Emma Samms last stopped by General Hospital, she is returning for May sweeps, likely to reveal that Ethan is her son, and answer the age-old "Who's Ethan's daddy?" question, for all of us who care. "Can't wait"! If there is one thing this show does "well", it's "writing" for legacy characters. It will be "awesome"! And we will get "weeks" of "character development" and "umbrella stories" out of it!

poll by twiigs.com

General Hospital Week in Review

Dear Serial Drama reader who found us with this Google search Friday:

i would like to know what happened on general hospital this week

No, you wouldn't. 

Keep on keepin' on, and maybe start watching Y&R,
Becca

P.S.  However, since we're all about reader service, I will reinstate the Week in Review to help you out.  Please provide the address to which I can send my therapist's bills.

Johnny seems to almost openly loathe Lulu at this point.

So he's getting close to my position on that particular issue.

But fear not, Lulu has competition for most annoying possible spawn of Luke Spencer.  ("Possible" because I'm holding out hope for a baby-swap explanation for this Lulu creature, and because if that isn't what they're hinting at with Ethan then I have been totally misinterpreting the 2x4-to-the-face-like subtlety of this story thus far.)

1) The accent.  I don't know if it's real or fake, but it's annoying.  And I have been known to say things like that I would date absolutely any man with an Australian accent unless he had an extensive and violent criminal record or a strong affinity for Mel Gibson.  2) The actor, while cute, reminds me of Chad Brannon, but in a cheap knock-off kind of way.  3) The hair.  I find it obnoxious.  I didn't think such a thing was possible, but it totally is.

But what I find most annoying -- GALLING, in fact -- is that these writers felt that Luke needed a son-like figure in his life.  Right, because who else could possibly fill that role?  Oh, I don't know, maybe Lucky Spencer, one of the most famous soap kids in history?  If he hadn't been written alternately as a doofus and jackass for the better part of the last five years, before finally coming around recently only to be relegated to Occasional Transporter of Darling Children,

then maybe Lucky Spencer could have a good storyline with his dad instead of being invisible while a possibly fake Australian dude with exceedingly white teeth alternately worships and flirts with the great and powerful Luke.

Awful Squared + Terrible x 95

I'm no math whiz, but if you completed the above equation, the answer would be All My Children.

During Friday's episode when Little A downed an entire glass of Scotch, which...first of all, I'M SO SURE that a five-year-old would even make it past the first sip of a glass of Scotch, let alone a whole glass. And do you know how it feels to spend all of your time defending JR and Adam and then they go ahead and leave a huge glass of Scotch unattended and, for that matter, keep a fully stocked bar in their home despite the entire family battling substance abuse problems? It smarts, is how it feels.

But once I got past my incredulity at how contrived the entire scenario was, I came away with one of my favorite soap moments of the year thus far, because I was incredibly moved by Little A croaking, "I wanted to be like you, Daddy"

Not because it was sad or touching, but because it called to mind one of the best things to ever come out of the 1980s:

Accidental entertainment is the best the show can hope for these days.

Does The CW Stand For "Crazy Wrong"?

Despite the fact that I publicly begged them not to do this and despite the fact that the new 90210 has become shorthand for boring, terrible and awfully acted garbage, the CW is going ahead with their harebrained scheme to remake Melrose Place and remake it POORLY.

Exhibit A: Rumors continue to swirl that Mischa Barton will be joining the cast, when, in this time of economic peril, it would be more cost-effective and acting-award worthy to put a wig on a piece of driftwood and call it a day

Exhibit B: The big name star joining the cast is Ashlee Simpson, former national joke, current holder of the "Dumbest Celebrity Baby Name" title, and alum of 7th Heaven

Multiple sources confirm that singer-songwriter-sometime actress Ashlee Simpson has become the latest tenant of The CW's refurbished Melrose Place.

The onetime 7th Heavenstar will play small-town girl Violet, a character whose disarming naiveté masks the calculating, shrewd sex kitten within.

Exhibit C: A disturbing lack of Michael Mancini mentions. If the producers of this ill-fated remake knew anything about providing cheesy awesomeness, they would know that Dr. Michael Mancini is an integral part of any Melrose related endeavor. The fact that the producers have not come to this realization does not bode well for the success of this show.

Pardon Me While I Dry Heave...

If The Young and the Restless HAD to make Ashley pregnant with Victor's child

(and I sincerely doubt that they HAD to, because the last thing most people think of when they hear about a "fortyish" woman and a one hundred-year-old man is "Baby story! That's the ticket!", especially when you consider that the centenarian in question is Victor, because ew.)

(And also, Genoa City is almost entirely populated by Victor spawn, why on earth does he need another child roaming around? I am never again mocking General Hospital for making Sonny the father of a dozen children)

(Really, is there anything in the world more discomfiting than pondering Victor having sex and fathering a child? I'm sorry for harping on that image and grossing all of you out, but I haven't fully recovered from the last time Victor got someone pregnant and I had to share my PTSD with you)

But anyway, if they HAD to, I wish that they had at least tried to make the dialogue regarding this...um...blessed event less GUT-CHURNINGLY OMG GROSS*.

 

Ashley: Um... you're right. I did make you a gift. Well, actually, um... we kinda made it together.

Victor: Wait a minute. Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Ashley: We're pregnant.

"We kinda made it together"?!?

Victor: She has given me the most wonderful gift of all... this is not something I'm gonna keep a secret. My beautiful Ashley is pregnant.

I'll let Victoria's hilarious expression of speechless grossed-outedness speak for me:

  It's just kicking the audience when we are already down and disturbed, you know?

*Gut churningly gross is also a good way to describe Eileen Davidson's hair. How can a basic ponytail look so wrong?

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

My Take
By Becca Thomas

I tend to try to do a hundred things at once and lose focus.  (A friend once told me I am a “smart airhead,” which I decided to take as a compliment, because I am narcissistic like that.)  Anyway, before I lose track, here is my point:  DAYS OF OUR LIVES is utterly unfocused, and not in an endearingly airheaded kind of way.

I say this as someone who had not been a fan of theirs in at least a decade:  John and Marlena’s send-off was ridiculously lame.  I watched it and tuned in the Monday after, assuming there had to be more to it.  But no, after more than 20 years, that half-hearted partial share of a single episode was truly it.  The writing team had two months to plan for it, and that was the big farewell?  What were they focused on instead?  Oh, I know: Characters that weren’t even on the canvas two years ago. 

Examples abound, but let’s start with Melanie.  I like the idea of Melanie.  I think she’s supposed to be kind of like Maxie on GH, except unlike Maxie, Melanie is one-dimensional and so instead of being delightfully bitchy she’s just…bitchy.  And her storyline is ridiculous.  An 18-year-old is suddenly an executive at Titan?  What?  If Victor weren’t so busy commenting on Chloe’s “big bazooms” (side note: a little part of me died when poor John Aniston had to utter that line a few weeks back), he would put a stop to that insanity.

Will This Character Rehabilitation Work? I Say No, No, No

I like to think that if my child were in a permanent coma because he was shot on the head during a botched attempt on his father's life by one of his father's multiple enemies that I would go to any lengths possible to keep him safe. Maybe I have read Harry Potter too many times, but the "constant vigilance" mantra doesn't seem like a bad one, especially when one considers that every mobster on the eastern seaboard and a good portion of the viewing audience want the child's father dead.

I would start by asking that my son's name not be plastered on his door, like a neon blinking "SONNY CORINTHOS'S SON IS HERE" sign. Or, failing that, I'd at least use a pseudonym

I'd also be hypervigilant about checking the visitor logs to see exactly who has been going to visit him. I would probably also leave the mob and/or cut of all ties with mob related people.

Um, I don't have a lot in common with Sonny and Carly. 

The Claudia Zacchara Redemption tour is in full force. Plagued with guilt over her part in Michael's shooting, she has apparently been visiting Michael offscreen! And not just visiting, but visiting a lot!

Claudia: How's he doing?

Doctor:He's holding his own, Ms. Quartermaine.

Claudia: But there's no change?

Doctor: I don't mean to sound discouraging. I appreciate that you come every week like clockwork, but I don't expect any improvement. I'm sorry.

Like clockwork! And conveniently managing to never once bump into Carly, or Jason, or Jax. Imagine that!

I don't know about all of you, but I'm totes done being leery of Claudia now!

I especially enjoy the fact that her alias is Quartermaine. Hello, red flag alert! There are no young, female Quartermaines. Because they are all dead.

My adoration of Sarah Brown is well publicized, and she almost had me today when she was tearful and dejected

Claudia: Hey, Michael. How you doing? It's me. I don't know who keeps doing this. Who keeps moving these photographs? These are supposed to be like this. Because your family should be looking at you at all times, right? Smiling at you. So when you wake up, you won't feel so alone, right? Your father misses you so much. And your mother, talk about a force of nature, you can't even imagine how much she loves you. I know I say this every week, Michael, and I know that you're probably getting sick of hearing me say it, but I am so sorry.

First of all, Shooter McGavin, hands off the kid's pictures. That's just ooky. And, um...I don't think I'd get sick of hearing the person responsible for my coma apologizing for it.

Secondly...while I appreciate her efforts, not even Sarah Brown could make those words sound like anything but "You did not actually see what you think you saw and I am nothing like what I once was like, so if we could all just move on knowing that the stuff that happened didn't actually happen, that would be great".

Claudia: I'm not a mean person, Michael

HA! Like when she stepped over Kate after Kate was shot last year? That wasn't mean?

Or maybe Claudia was secretly whispering "I'm sorry, Kate" in her head during all of their scenes together, which totally makes it okay and proves that she's not a mean person.

Sorry, GH, but you'll have to do better. And since you're completely inept at doing better...well, I just won't hold my breath or anything.

Yesterday's Most Right-On Dialogue

The Young and the Restless had been filled with drama and soapiness, and Sharon and Billy hooking up again, and Jack being both dreamy and diabolical, and Victor being a douche, but I have not been able to focus on any of that because Esther is driving me out of my mind. I cheered when Clint snapped at her yesterday.

Clint: Quiet! I'm sick of your yammering

Word up, Clint. Because SERIOUSLY. I enjoy Esther in small doses (apparently, very small doses) but her part in the endless Marge/Katherine/Kidnapping/I Have No Ideat What The Hell Is Going On story has taught me two things:

1.) Prolonged exposure to Kate Lindner's voice makes me crazy

2.) Judith Chapman no longer holds the title for most insane, over-the-top facial expressions

This story stopped being entertaining in mid-January, and I need them to go ahead and wrap it up ASAP, if only because my ears can't take much more.

Failure Is Aspirational For These People

Leave it to the All My Children writers to interpret the query "Can this show get any worse?" as a challenge, rather than a depressed, rhetorical question. "It can, and how!" they say gleefully, as they set about writing their latest stories*. That's how we wind up with people flying face first into a glass table, it's part of the writers' quest to teach us that yes, Virginia, there is something worse than horrific.

*By stories, I mean "crap" and by "writing", I mean "word vomit".

Between Reese getting up close and personal with shards of glass, and Krystal, Gold-Digger Supreme marrying David without looking at her pre-nup (How is it possible that they ruined the essence of what made Krystal Krystal? How can you ruin something that already has no redeeming value?), this week has been terrible and it is only going to get worse. After the jump, the ultra-disturbing promo of evil, with spoilers.