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« It Ain't Me, Babe. It's You. | Main | Fatal Attraction and Basic...Idiocy »

March 02, 2009

Things That Are Not Okay in Salem (Hint: "Everything")

Mallory and I have an ongoing email conversation about which is worse, General Hospital or Days of Our Lives.  (And I mean "ongoing" in the broadest sense of the word, since this particular debate has been going strong since 2005 or so.)  Over the years, GH has generally taken the crown, since we were almost always able to say something along the lines of "Sure, Days is incredibly [boring/nonsensical/ridiculous], but GH [killed 17 people yesterday/fed a Quartermaine to lions/had Sonny and Carly have disgusting sex in a limo]."  Lately, though -- and it's entirely possible this is due to GH's high concentration of attractive people because please remember we are shallow first and foremost -- Days has been taking the title.  It is unbelievably boring and poorly written, and the boring and poorly written lines are said by characters that you either don't give a crap about or that weren't even on the canvas two years ago.  I don't know what's going on with the ratings, which I heard are actually up (?!?!?), because I almost have to be forced under threat of violence (and/or cranky blog comments) to watch it.

Anyway, as is probably obvious by this point, there isn't a whole lot in Salem that's setting my world on fire in any kind of good way these days, so I am compelled to focus only on the negative (much to my obvious and heartfelt dismay, obvi).  Let's take a closer look at the many things that are, using one of my favorite super-sophisticated analytic phrases, very much not okay, shall we?


Not okay:  Chloe as devoutly religious.

I'm sorry, this was hilarious.  Something about Nadia Bjorlin's way of just rolling her eyes toward the ceiling sent me over the edge into outright giggling, which is probably not exactly what the writers were going for.  (Not to imply that they are going for anything in particular, because I've seen no evidence of that.)





I cannot stop laughing.  For real.  I've looked at those screencaps at least a dozen times, and I laugh every single time.  I am easily entertained.  Which makes this show's inability to do so all that much sadder.

While we're talking about Chloe, I must discuss another thing that is not okay, specifically her hair (spoiler: bad hair is going to be a theme today!).




I have owned three SUVs in my life and all had lower clearance than that.

On the topic of hair, I think we need to assess just how sorry the state of Salem affairs is when James Scott, former (and possibly future) sex god, has worse hair than Steve Burton.  It is not okay to lose a follicular contest to a man who has provided the spot-on description of his hairline as a cross between a Monchichi and Curious George




A couple of years ago, Mallory suggested that James Scott should get disfiguring plastic surgery so that Mal could stop being so fond of the devious EJ.*  So I choose to believe that this hair-don't is a personal favor to her, and not an increasingly long-term demonstration of poor judgment.

* This reminds me of time when EJ had at least a couple layers and did not have nonsensical personality shifts on a near-daily basis with the only consistent being weekly rageaholic rants.  Ah, memories.

Not helping matters is the fact that EJ is hanging out with Nicole, who occasionally truly astounds me with her not okay styling choices.


We're doing the mini-claw-clip look again?  Why didn't anyone tell me?!  Since it's 1999 all over again, I am going to be able to fit into my size 2 Lucky jeans and enjoy the whole Monica-Chandler reveal on Friends anew.


Right?  I am totally perplexed too.


It is absolutely not okay that the show's only remaining 80s supercouple went through a 15-minute "separation" based on an argument over the male half of the couple's effing psychic visions.  I thought we got rid of crap like that with Reilly. 


I feel like this writing team should just admit they have no clue how to write for couples, let alone those with lengthy histories on the show, and just have Bo and Hope sit in the Brady pub while clips from the 80s and 90s play on a TV in the background.  That would be ten times as watchable.


It is not okay that on a show targeted to women, this is being passed off as romantic dialogue from a leading man:

Daniel:  Chloe, I'm not going to let you out of my sight.  Not until you understand that I will never let you go.



It is not okay that there are no hot young couples. 

Jay Kenneth Johnson and Shelley Hennig are gorgeous . . .


(well, everything other than his hair is gorgeous)


. . . but Phillip and Stephanie are not a hot couple.  They've had no conflict, no drama, no heat, no . . . anything of interest.

I know of no other hot young couple contenders.  And with Rachel Melvin leaving (another thing that is not okay!), one half of at least a couple future possibilities will be gone.


I've enjoyed the Chelsea/Stephanie friendship, possibly because it appears to be the only female one left on the show, and I thought Melvin did a great job rehabilitating a previously horrible character into one I really liked.

Her highlights, however


are still not okay.*  Maybe she can leave them for the hair and makeup department as a going-away gift.  Because whoever did that to her definitely deserves a gift along the lines of a big ol' bag of hair.

* I will dearly miss that bitchface.


These "special" effects?


Much like General Hospital's, they are not okay.  (I do like that Chloe appears to be attempting to escape the explosion by doing a cartwheel.  Very superhero-y!)


It is very much not okay that the show is focusing on totally random characters while jettisoning the interesting ones like luggage off the Titanic.  However, if they are going to insist on Days of Our Randoms, might I suggest we learn a little more about the hot bartender?


I think I would even be fine if he got the usual treatment of falling in love every 90 seconds and going months on end without having a new conversation.  Because, you know . . . hot.


Melanie is not okay.

Molly Burnett seems like a talented young actress, and with better writing (coupled with about 60% less screentime) I might find Melanie to be the delightfully bitchy vixen I think I am supposed to view her as, instead of the fingernail-on-chalkboard-esque OTT "I'm a BAD girl, BAD I tell you, and did you hear I'm BAD" troublemaker she currently is.  The writing is definitely part of the problem, but, how do I put this diplomatically . . . I think it's possible that on occasion, to a small extent, in certain circumstances, Ms. Burnett might play things a tad too dramatically. 







Melanie7 Melanie8

Melanie8 Melanie9 



She could turn it down a smidgen.  A wee bit. 

But hers is not the least convincing performance on this show, of course.  I don't want to name names, but




That was not okay.  Tragic (and rapid, totally out-of-the-blue) alcoholic downward spirals are not supposed to induce guffaws.


Finally (I mean, there is a lot more that isn't okay, but I can only type for so long, so "finally" for this post), it is seriously not okay when your show is so boring and your "plots" so uneventful that your Friday "cliffhanger" is a recast teenager showing up to see his parents who always bicker bickering.  I'm not even sure you can call yourself an actual soap opera anymore. 


Melanie8Plus we're full circle back to bad hair.  This show is so broken.


It is also of course TOTALLY NOT OKAY that Steve and Kayla got absolutely no farewell after all that Stephen Nichols and Mary Beth Evans have done for this show, but I need some more time to process that (translation: find 80s clips on YouTube) and will therefore be back soon with a post dedicated just to them.  It's the least they are entitled to.  Well, that's not quite right, as what they got on the show was less than a post on a little random soap blog, but I feel really magnanimous when I say things like "oh, it's the least I could do," and I need some self-esteem help lately.

Screencaps courtesy of Sheryl's Days of Our Lives Screencaps.


Psycho screencaps! Why is Chloe so very orange? I haven't watched DOOL in decades, but these screencaps and your post were hysterical. Thanks, I needed a good chuckle.

It's the return of Lucas the Angry EMoticon!!!!!

Look forward you your blog dedication to MB and SN's Kayla and Steve!!!

The Melanie train-o-caps are a collection of LOLcats waiting to happen.

At least it frees up Stephen Nichols to return as Stefan on GH!

...Oh God.

You know, if you just looked at the screencaps of NB and KS on the home page here, soaps looks as stupid and badly made as their stereotype.

And then I saw those other caps. My god. Who's directing this show--the janitor?

Seriously. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!! ;)

The only good thing I can say about the show is we're seeing a lot of Victor and a lot of Maggie, and they are mostly written true to character. After the humiliating way Victor was treated during JER's runs, I'm highly amused that he has outlasted Jarlena, although I know that's petty and I doubt John Aniston is doing a happy dance.

Hey don't insult the Janitor!!! this show... it sucks, not as bad as GH cause there are better actors on GH which makes things that they have them do each week even worse, but DOOL really sucks. I personally liked Chloe and Phillip, they were hot, had history and chemistry and once were in love. but like all the couples on that show who have those things they brake them up each week and play musical couples. Really feel bad for BO and Hope. from what I hear and from clips that I saw on youtube from the 80's and 90's they are the it couple. what they are doing to them now is messed up. this show SUCKS. but on the plus side, that bartender is really HOT!!

At least Molly Burnett's hair is 110% less hot-rollered than the last time I really watched this soulless shell of a show. Which was probably back in September. The new bartender is awfully cute, though. And Rachel Melvin is beautiful, even under the awful hair.

EJ's hair. There are no words to address this tragedy. Couldn't someone send him a gift certificate to a salon? Or even a Flowbee? Anything at all?

Is Lucas drunk or constipated? Because his facial expressions hit far closer to the latter.

I don't understand how you guys could question the Emmy winning Days hair team!!! I mean, I know everybody's hair looks like a grease slick and whatnot, but still, EMMY WINNING!!!

And yeah, I'm with you, finding something interesting to write about Days is very hard. I finally realized that actually caring about potential couples was not worth my time, as they'd be broken up a month or so later, so that's even gone. Bo & Hope are fighting over the dumbest thing ever and Steve and Kayla are just names now. They're the new Alice. Insane.

New bartender was definitely the high light of the month for me. He needs to be put on contract immediately. I'm sure he'll fall for Melanie, as all men must do, but at least he'd be around.

Ohmigosh, James Scott has woman hair!

Hah, that was hilarious. I haven't seen this show since the 80s, but your recap had me laughing hysterically.

Do you see the resemblance between Lucas, Melanie (in pic 3) and Domo?

There is a distinct similarity.

Great review girls. Those screen caps are just scary. I look forward to the Stephen Nichols and Mary Beth Evans tribute.

I have actually been watching Days (with selective FF)...they need to get rid of MB. But i like lucas and chloe and nicole and ej. GLAD GLAD so Glad that marlena is gone which actually brought me back...

GH - i have not watched since the non sweep EVENT started. Sonny needs to die! His character has ruined the best SOAP ever on TV.

Your reviews are so incredibly well written that your talents are wasted on this shell of a show I have watched deteriorate so rapidly. I have begun to read the show summaries and wait in longing for a post from you and others who share my pain at the show's demise. Thanks for your spot on analysis.

This show has gotten so bad lately, I wonder if cancellation isn't what they're aiming for. Sad to see talented veterans go when there are some less talented that are left but because of their age they get to stay. For me Steve and Kayla leaving was the last straw, I only read about this show here and there now but don't actually watch it. I do look forward to their tribute though.

Oh. My. Gah. What the hell has James Scoyt done to his hair? And to think I was sorta considering tuning in again.

I was really sad when they were "let go" of the show....but now, Stephen and Mary Beth can spred their wings and do GH again.....Stefan and Katherine....awww, the possibilities!

This crappy show doesn't deserve the talents of Stephen Nichols, Mary Beth Evans and Thaao Pennglis..I hope the show sinks to the groung like the Titanic..

Great blog. James Scott's hair is a tragedy. The only reason to tune into Days was to revel is his sex godliness which Days hair department and pairing him with the town tramp have now managed to destroy.

You caught perfectly the cheesy special effects, complete with the terrible stuntwork of Nadia Bjorlin. That was sad. Her whole work there was sad, between the half-hearted CPR and the begging to God.
I love Nicole, but DAMN girl! The three bears are waiting for their porridge to be returned.

So the only good thing on this show lately is Suzanne Rogers(Maggie). Did you see her slap the glass out of Lucas' hand, it was pretty damn awesome. The only thing that could have made it better is if that slap had connected with Chloe, Daniel, or Lucas' face. I swear if they do to her what they did to Mary Beth Evans and Stephen Nichols I'm gonna kick someone's ass.

O and I'm totally pulling out my butterfly hair clips from fifth grade and dancing to the Spice Girls.

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