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« It Ain't Me, Babe. It's You. | Main | Fatal Attraction and Basic...Idiocy »

March 02, 2009

Things That Are Not Okay in Salem (Hint: "Everything")

Mallory and I have an ongoing email conversation about which is worse, General Hospital or Days of Our Lives.  (And I mean "ongoing" in the broadest sense of the word, since this particular debate has been going strong since 2005 or so.)  Over the years, GH has generally taken the crown, since we were almost always able to say something along the lines of "Sure, Days is incredibly [boring/nonsensical/ridiculous], but GH [killed 17 people yesterday/fed a Quartermaine to lions/had Sonny and Carly have disgusting sex in a limo]."  Lately, though -- and it's entirely possible this is due to GH's high concentration of attractive people because please remember we are shallow first and foremost -- Days has been taking the title.  It is unbelievably boring and poorly written, and the boring and poorly written lines are said by characters that you either don't give a crap about or that weren't even on the canvas two years ago.  I don't know what's going on with the ratings, which I heard are actually up (?!?!?), because I almost have to be forced under threat of violence (and/or cranky blog comments) to watch it.

Anyway, as is probably obvious by this point, there isn't a whole lot in Salem that's setting my world on fire in any kind of good way these days, so I am compelled to focus only on the negative (much to my obvious and heartfelt dismay, obvi).  Let's take a closer look at the many things that are, using one of my favorite super-sophisticated analytic phrases, very much not okay, shall we?

Divider

Not okay:  Chloe as devoutly religious.

I'm sorry, this was hilarious.  Something about Nadia Bjorlin's way of just rolling her eyes toward the ceiling sent me over the edge into outright giggling, which is probably not exactly what the writers were going for.  (Not to imply that they are going for anything in particular, because I've seen no evidence of that.)

ChloeGod1

ChloeGod2 

ChloeGod3 

ChloeGod4

I cannot stop laughing.  For real.  I've looked at those screencaps at least a dozen times, and I laugh every single time.  I am easily entertained.  Which makes this show's inability to do so all that much sadder.

While we're talking about Chloe, I must discuss another thing that is not okay, specifically her hair (spoiler: bad hair is going to be a theme today!).

ChloeHair 

ChloeHair2 

ChloeHair3

I have owned three SUVs in my life and all had lower clearance than that.

On the topic of hair, I think we need to assess just how sorry the state of Salem affairs is when James Scott, former (and possibly future) sex god, has worse hair than Steve Burton.  It is not okay to lose a follicular contest to a man who has provided the spot-on description of his hairline as a cross between a Monchichi and Curious George

EJ1 

EJ2 

EJ3

A couple of years ago, Mallory suggested that James Scott should get disfiguring plastic surgery so that Mal could stop being so fond of the devious EJ.*  So I choose to believe that this hair-don't is a personal favor to her, and not an increasingly long-term demonstration of poor judgment.

* This reminds me of time when EJ had at least a couple layers and did not have nonsensical personality shifts on a near-daily basis with the only consistent being weekly rageaholic rants.  Ah, memories.

Not helping matters is the fact that EJ is hanging out with Nicole, who occasionally truly astounds me with her not okay styling choices.

NicoleHair2

We're doing the mini-claw-clip look again?  Why didn't anyone tell me?!  Since it's 1999 all over again, I am going to be able to fit into my size 2 Lucky jeans and enjoy the whole Monica-Chandler reveal on Friends anew.

NicoleHair

Right?  I am totally perplexed too.

Divider

It is absolutely not okay that the show's only remaining 80s supercouple went through a 15-minute "separation" based on an argument over the male half of the couple's effing psychic visions.  I thought we got rid of crap like that with Reilly. 

BoPsychic

I feel like this writing team should just admit they have no clue how to write for couples, let alone those with lengthy histories on the show, and just have Bo and Hope sit in the Brady pub while clips from the 80s and 90s play on a TV in the background.  That would be ten times as watchable.

Divider

It is not okay that on a show targeted to women, this is being passed off as romantic dialogue from a leading man:

Daniel:  Chloe, I'm not going to let you out of my sight.  Not until you understand that I will never let you go.

Cree.Pee.

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It is not okay that there are no hot young couples. 

Jay Kenneth Johnson and Shelley Hennig are gorgeous . . .

Phillip

(well, everything other than his hair is gorgeous)

StephPhil 

. . . but Phillip and Stephanie are not a hot couple.  They've had no conflict, no drama, no heat, no . . . anything of interest.

I know of no other hot young couple contenders.  And with Rachel Melvin leaving (another thing that is not okay!), one half of at least a couple future possibilities will be gone.

Chelsea

I've enjoyed the Chelsea/Stephanie friendship, possibly because it appears to be the only female one left on the show, and I thought Melvin did a great job rehabilitating a previously horrible character into one I really liked.

Her highlights, however

Chelsea2 

are still not okay.*  Maybe she can leave them for the hair and makeup department as a going-away gift.  Because whoever did that to her definitely deserves a gift along the lines of a big ol' bag of hair.

* I will dearly miss that bitchface.

Divider

These "special" effects?

Explosion 

Much like General Hospital's, they are not okay.  (I do like that Chloe appears to be attempting to escape the explosion by doing a cartwheel.  Very superhero-y!)

Divider

It is very much not okay that the show is focusing on totally random characters while jettisoning the interesting ones like luggage off the Titanic.  However, if they are going to insist on Days of Our Randoms, might I suggest we learn a little more about the hot bartender?

HotBartender

I think I would even be fine if he got the usual treatment of falling in love every 90 seconds and going months on end without having a new conversation.  Because, you know . . . hot.

Divider

Melanie is not okay.

Molly Burnett seems like a talented young actress, and with better writing (coupled with about 60% less screentime) I might find Melanie to be the delightfully bitchy vixen I think I am supposed to view her as, instead of the fingernail-on-chalkboard-esque OTT "I'm a BAD girl, BAD I tell you, and did you hear I'm BAD" troublemaker she currently is.  The writing is definitely part of the problem, but, how do I put this diplomatically . . . I think it's possible that on occasion, to a small extent, in certain circumstances, Ms. Burnett might play things a tad too dramatically. 

Melanie1

Melanie2

Melanie3  

Melanie4 

Melanie5 

Melanie6 

Melanie7 Melanie8

Melanie8 Melanie9 

Melanie10 

Melanie11

She could turn it down a smidgen.  A wee bit. 

But hers is not the least convincing performance on this show, of course.  I don't want to name names, but

LucasDrunk 

LucasDrunk2 

LucasDrunk3

That was not okay.  Tragic (and rapid, totally out-of-the-blue) alcoholic downward spirals are not supposed to induce guffaws.

Divider

Finally (I mean, there is a lot more that isn't okay, but I can only type for so long, so "finally" for this post), it is seriously not okay when your show is so boring and your "plots" so uneventful that your Friday "cliffhanger" is a recast teenager showing up to see his parents who always bicker bickering.  I'm not even sure you can call yourself an actual soap opera anymore. 

WillRecast

Melanie8Plus we're full circle back to bad hair.  This show is so broken.

Divider

It is also of course TOTALLY NOT OKAY that Steve and Kayla got absolutely no farewell after all that Stephen Nichols and Mary Beth Evans have done for this show, but I need some more time to process that (translation: find 80s clips on YouTube) and will therefore be back soon with a post dedicated just to them.  It's the least they are entitled to.  Well, that's not quite right, as what they got on the show was less than a post on a little random soap blog, but I feel really magnanimous when I say things like "oh, it's the least I could do," and I need some self-esteem help lately.

Screencaps courtesy of Sheryl's Days of Our Lives Screencaps.

Comments

I'm so jealous. I could never pull off the "mini-claw-clip look." I tried many times and miserably failed. It was a waste of 15 minutes. Thanks for allowing me to re-live that traumatizing time.

I have been enjoying the show lately. GH is in much worse shape and their actors are nothing to write home about. I actually feel that DOOL has better male actors.

I do agree about MB and NB. LOL.

You always bring it with the screencaps!

Por vous: http://img6.imageshack.us/img6/5996/om0ite22uf.jpg

When did Andy Samberg's little brother join this crapfest?

I have to say, this is the first time I have ever disagreed with you. I think, especially in the past montho or so, the show has been picking up again. I love EJ's hair, I think it's adorable. Also, Nicole's hair withthe clips, I couldn't stop telling my friend how great I thought it looked. I love Steph and Philip together.
I do agree that Chloe, Daniel, and Melanie are.... rediculous. An it was really stupid sending Steve and Kayla off without a goodbye.
But other than that.... maybe I'm just in that demographic that is bringing up the ratings...

Thanks for the write-up. I agree 150% with you. This show is crap and has absolutely no vision for its characters or its stories. And, like you, I don't understand the ratings at all.

OMG-I didn't realise that the actor who played Lucas was into Botox-go easy buddy....The real tragedy of the show is the treatment of the Vets and specifically Stephen Nicolls and Mary Beth Evans-two of the finest actors to grace our screens.
Shoot this show now to put it out of our misery.

Unpopular Opinion Ahead: I LOVE Melanie. And you know what I love more than Melanie? Melanie and Philip. Now that love in the afternoon is just a memory, I go weak for hatesex. Wild, contentious, oh-so-wrong hatesex.

Have to say it. Gary Tomlin and Dena Higley KILLED Days. What remains is totally unacceptable and unwatchable.

Used to love this program, now I despise everything about it. The current cast is not at all acceptable. Robbing us of beloved characters for tackly sleazy ones and grating voices makes Days a huge bad joke.

The pink slip should have been Gary Tomlins, Dene Higley and Ken Corday's.

I will follow Stephen Nichols anywhere and Patch will live for his story was amazing.

But the current fare will not, for it is regrettable not memorable.

Sickened by the dismal Days that NBC and Gary Tomlin have produced. It belongs nowhere. When asked why the soap is dying its not the viewers, its the HORRIBLE PRODUCERS THAT CHASED THE VIEWERS AWAY.

I stopped watching the show on Steve & Kayla`s last air date that we were not supposed to know about which was Feb. 17/09. I only read Prevuze and the show sounds absolutely horrible. The writing sucks. I am a fan of the Stephanie & Philip pairing but, this group really don`t know anything about love stories. They need the angst -- but, I feel that a lovestory that also includes the Kiriakis/DiMera fued should also include the Johnsons.

I don`t like anything about the Chloe character and I did see her with Philip and I say totally NOT OKAY. This actress that plays Chloe I just don`t see anything in this character except for a pretty package. I don`t feel anything from Chloe. Philip & Stephanie definitely gorgeous and with the proper writing (better, much better dialogue)could be a very good story. This story should be new fresh and exciting -- the writers need to do some work (or get new writers).

YOU girls are the best. Steve and Kayla could bring so musch reality to the show and deal with real social issues. They relate to poeple very well and have so much chemsitry. If people want to see what a soap should be about watch Steve and Kayla on you tube. The show has ruined Chloe. I have no idea how they could make hot James Scott look bad, but they have managed. The show has insulted all of the viewers,incuding the younger ones because they have been given mindless storylines.
They show needs balance, bring back Steve and Kayla and write decently for the younger crowd as well.

I feel like Nadia Bjorlin knows this is all the worst shite ever and she's unconsciously rolling her eyes and thinking "I just have to get through this" in every scene. I mean the actors must be shuddering when they open their scripts.

I used to love days. But it once had heart. Once it was a great couples program and had some interesting characters.

Steve Patch was astounding and an absolute marvel. In fact, once I met the Patch man I no longer noticed Bo at all!

But the Days being promoted by the worst team yet in days history Gary Tomlin and Higley are a nightmare of childish relentless stupidity and sleaze. Days is no longer. There is no theme to the program, there are no families to care about. Friendships are absymal and the new characters devoid of character. The men are hired to prance around and look arrogant. They sure do. But what they do NOT do is make me care. As a result, the last scene for Stephen Nichols is the last time I can tolerate the nightmare Mr Tomlin has produced. He wants Passions back and Days gone and that is exactly what he did. Passions was a bad joke and so is this production.

If anyone cared about producing a good soap, they would have to fire Gary Tomlin and the current writing staff and beg some of the vets to return and omit some of the sleaze from the current cast of characters.
What Gary Tomlin lacks is respect for the audience. And that is unforgivable.

A pink slip to Gary Tomlin is a must

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