This Show Doesn't Have a Good Sense-to-Nonsense Ratio
If I had to describe All My Children in one word...
(This is a purely hypothetical situation, because nobody would ever ask me to describe All My Children. In fact, when most people find out I watch All My Children they stare at me with undisguised pity and hastily change the subject)
(Also, for the purposes of this purely hypothetical exercise, let's pretend that the one word description had to be family friendly. I don't doubt that we could all make an art form of applying the f-bomb to this show)
...that word would be baffling. Because I spend a major portion of each episode completely baffled by the goings-on in Pine Valley, both in terms of the writing quality (i.e., "How are these people employed? This is baffling!) and the flat-out illogical nature of what is on our screens (i.e., "WTF is going on and for what purpose? This is baffling!). The usual breakdown of each episode:
5% Ready for the show to be over
3% Amused On Purpose (Usually by something Erica and/or Adam related)
2%Amused Accidentally (Usually Tamara Braun's blind acting)
2%Envious of Alicia Minshew's hair
1% Entertained by my imaginary "Hey, That's From New York & Company" game
1%Craving some sort of caffeinated beverage
Some of the (many) questions I have follow. In the interest of time, I am omitting the obvious "Why do any of us still watch?" question, because I fear that we will never know...
IS THERE ANYONE ON THE PLANET WHO LIKES KRYSTAL?
I don't mean to be judgmental or anything, but if you answered "Yes, I do" to that question: get help. You may be seriously ill.
I have hated Krystal for years, and grudgingly put up with her because I genuinely like Bobbie Eakes and she and David Canary worked well together, but I am DONE. I get all twitchy whenever she is onscreen these days, yammering in her over-the-top accent about the horrible Chandlers and how the best place for Little A is with her and David and conveniently ignoring that the last child she raised was a freaking blight upon humanity.
Not to be a drama queen or anything, but I am not yet emotionally ready for deal with Krystal taking JR's child away from him. I know, I know, the baby caper was years ago, and, you know, fictional, but I can't. Not yet.
DOES ANGIE HUBBARD MAKE EVERYTHING AWESOME?
Considering that she managed to get me to pay attention to a Frankie/Randi scene and not reach for the fast forward button once, I'd say yes, yes she does.
Angie: You're exquisite. Beautiful dress. Beautiful girl. Just -- just beautiful everything. What did I say?
Randi: Nothing. It's just -- I can't explain it.
Randi: I used to see little girls with their moms fussing over party dresses and their mothers patting down their hair, and I guess I knew I -- I'd never have those moments with my mom.
Angie: If you need a mom, I'm applying for the job.
Aww! Best mother-in-law ever, Y/Y?
Of course, I don't see her handling the elopement so well, but even her reaction to that is bound to be entertaining.
IS THERE ANYTHING MORE REASSURING THAN THE NOTION THAT ERICA IS THE GREATEST?
Her involvement in getting Little A out of the country and away from David's sleazy fingers was genius, and her expert takedowns of David, Krystal and the PVPD today were a sight to see.
Jesse: Obstruction of justice is a serious charge that could land you in jail, again. Now, really, is prison the place you want to be, again?
Erica: Oh, yes, absolutely. If I'm not sent up on obstruction charges, I'm thinking of robbing a convenience store.
And using the show's actual history to get through to Jesse? Brill (although it had the unintended side effect of reminding me of the show's glory days and comparing it to now and, well, tears. All I'm saying. Tears)
Erica: The point is that David Hayward is every bit as toxic as Les Baxter was. Please, Jesse, imagine for a moment that Little Adam is your Frankie, your precious baby. Please think of -- of your baby Frankie's best interests. Where would Frankie belong?
I love her, with her itsy little self and her ginormous hair, and her sass.
I am not so sold on the marriage advice she gave Kendall (can one ever be fully sold on marriage advice from Erica? If there was ever a better "Do as I say, not as I do" situation...)
Erica: Reese never had the power to tank your marriage, all by herself.
Kendall: Fine. Fine, go ahead and blame the victim.
Erica: No, you're not the victim type, but if you wanted to be with Zach, you would be with Zach. Look, every marriage has rough spots. You just -- you just work through them.
Ryan: Rough spots? I'm really sorry to interrupt you, but rough spots? Your son-in-law is a walking black hole [Breaking News: Pot and Kettle caught in Black scandal!--Ed.], Erica.
Erica: Ryan, I-- look, I understand that you're grieving, but your bitterness is not helping Kendall right now, and I know that Greenlee is dead, but Zach is alive.
but she gets bonus points for calling Ryan bitter and reminding him that Greenlee is dead (not like he cares, because, seriously, I grieved for her longer than he did). Haha, Ryan's life sucks.
REALLY? REESE IS SIGHTED AGAIN AND WALKING AROUND TOWN BUTTING INTO PEOPLE'S BUSINESS ALREADY? REALLY?
Is she a freaking superhero? And that meant that we sat through hours of...over-the-top blind acting, for something cured in five seconds? Pacing fail, AMC.
Reese: Like, if I want to get back to my family, I need to stop leaning on you. I've taken the easy route too many times. Now I need to take the hard one on my own now.
You know who has taken the hard route? The viewers. The viewers who have had to put up with this half-assed, poorly written, sensationalistic drivel for months with absolutely no payoff and no quality. Sell your sob story to people you haven't already burned, Reese.
Even her email to Miranda made me cranky:
My darling Miranda, another birthday. It seems like the last one just passed. Oh, I hope you're having a wonderful time with Gabby and Mommy. I think of you, all the time, and I wish I was there to give you a big birthday hug. Even though we aren't together right now, you are always in my heart. Happy birthday, my beautiful girl. Je t'aime toujours.
"I miss you so much! You are the most wonderful little girl. I wish I was there to celebrate with you! But I can't be because I just, you know, have so much stuff to do and, you know, France is just soooo far away. And things are just crazy here! I was blind for a little while. I know, right? Nuts! Hope you understand. I think about you all the time! Miss you tons and bunches! XOXO!"
ARE THERE ANY SPOILERS ABOUT DAVID BEING KILLED OFF? BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, I WILL DVR THAT SHIT.
I can't handle it.
David: Listen, get in there and amp up the pressure.
Jay: Look, I -- I can't just stroll into a police interrogation.
David: What the hell am I paying you for? You boneless sponge.
Every time he is onscreen these days, his presence squeezes the positive David-related memories from my mind, and by the end of the week, I will have forgotten every good moment that David Hayward has ever had, and I won't even be able to look them up on YouTube, because I will hate the sight of his face so much that watching old clips will cause me physical pain. Thanks again for nothing, Pratt & Co.!!!
TO QUOTE AN ANONYMOUS GOOGLER: ZACH KENDALL WHY? HURT
The subject of Zach and Kendall's implosion, and Zach taking up residence at 123 Douchebag Lane will get its own (far overdue, I know. But please be patient, grasshoppers!) post, but for now:
Kendall: I wanted to call you last night. I -- I couldn't sleep. But, um, here you are now. Zach, I want you to know that -- what is that?
Zach: Petition for divorce.
It's a phrase both overused by me and sophomoric, but I really can't put my feelings into words any other way: SUCK. IT.