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« The Fact That Their Couple Name Is "Zen" Gives the Proceedings an Extra Layer of Irony | Main | Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column »

March 30, 2009

Ugh In the Afternoon

In my ongoing effort to explain why General Hospital is the craphole that it is, I thought of, and ultimately rejected several theories: were the writers using Mad Libs to create scripts? No, because these writers obviously aren't cool enough to appreciate the joy of playing Mad Libs. An elaborate game of Truth or Dare with very high stakes? Not even the most depraved of minds would dare someone to do something as horrible as create the role of Winifred. The idea that the writers think this show is actually, like...good was rejected almost immediately because of how patently implausible it is.

I have now started to wonder if the writers are explicitly trying to ruin things that people love. Like, for example, the time that an innocent person said, "I'd probably watch Sarah Brown read the phone book". I feel like today's episode was a direct challenge to that statement. "You say you'd watch her read the phone book, but will you watch her partake in the scenes that redefine the word 'seedy'?" And I will not, okay Guza? Uncle! You win.

Seduction

Claudia: I need you to get him to the hospital and make sure he gets his stomach pumped. I will distract Sonny.

Johnny: We're going to be carrying dead weight down the stairs. We're bound to make some noise.

Claudia: He won't notice. He's waiting to have sex with me.

Ew.

Claudia: Just tell me what you want, and that is what i'm going to do, ok? Does that sound good, hmm?

Ew.

Sonny: Ok, but don't take long, ok? Because I need it right now.

Can television sets contract chlamydia? I'm seriously concerned!

Comments

OMG! I thought the return of the zipper scenes was as bad as it could get in Guzaland. I WAS SO WRONG! Today's scenes between Sonny and Claudia were more offensive and outrageous than soft core porn. Her claim to want to freshen up was met by Sonny's "Don't bother I don't care if you're a dirty smelly whore". Good thing Mumbles, cuz' she just boinked and tried to murder your brother before you knocked on her door for a quickie! And that kid she is trying to have of yours so you won't kill her, it's just as likely to be Ric's! More paternity secrets involving Sonny's kids, that is just what GH doesn't have enough of yet.

THIS IS LOVE IN THE AFTERNOON? Am I supposed to be swooning here? Is anyone even turned on by this nasty shlock? Is it me or is this even so far past sexy it's like a Snuff Soap Opera?

Maybe GH should just shoot a few more kids and kill Edward and Monica in an explosion at the Q mansion. I'd ask how it could even get any worse in PC but Guza would take that as a challenge and come back with Sam becoming Mayor while sticking her tongue down Winifred's throat in his first attempt at lesbian love.

Oh Sarah...that last paragraph totally just gave me nightmares about what is going to happen in May...Ewwww.....

Just thinking about it makes me break out in hives. Just....nasty. I hate this show.

I was so disgusted with todays episode. I couldn't believe my eyes. I've never felt so yucky watching this crap.

I can't stand it anymore. I don't know what the hell these writers are thinking.

Did that dialogue really take place?...Because sometimes I can't tell what for real or satire.

Seriously? That was actual spoken dialogue. I gave up on GH years ago but that dialogue makes me want to quit a show I don't even watch. The pity distribution is as follows:
1. The Viewers - this is supposed to be entertainment not a thinly veiled cry for help.
2. The poor close captioning transcriber for this episode - they had to watch AND preserve this atrocity. Just because you have a hearing loss doesn't mean you can't suffer with the rest of the audience.
3. The stage hands - imagine trying to do your job in the presence of such skin-crawling antics.

Somebody put this show out of our misery.

Ahh...Guza's version of love in the afternoon. Don't know about the rest of you but it totally swept me off my feet...as I bent over, emptying out the contents of my stomach.

i dont watch GH, but i accidentally heard that "I NEED IT RIGHT NOW" line and was completely disgusted.

is this show being written by horny 3 year olds with ADD???

GH was truly at its most disgusting with those scenes between Claudia and Sonny. I can't stand Sarah Brown in this role. I despise anything mob- related, and that is MOST of this show these days. IF they want to know just why this show is in the toilet, they need look no further than the writing. Bob Guza is one sick dude. He doesn't understand the daytime audience. It sickens me to think that this is what wonderful GH has come to. Too sad for words.

I just kept thinking while I was half watching this shit fest of a show yesterday, HOW IN THE WORLD CAN GUZA STILL HAVE A JOB? HOW? Those scenes between Sonny and Claudia were worse than soft porn, hell they make soft porn look good. I TRULY HATE BOB GUZA. he is destroying this show day by day. I swear the people in charge of this show want it to be canceled cause that's the only explanation why they keep letting that devil destroy this show.

Guza, Frons and company has finally done it! They have made me complacent about the show actually being canceled. Until now I was concerned that the horrible writing and terrible storytelling could lead to the show going off the air. And I was worried that might lead to the loss of all soaps on daytime TV. I cared because I liked most of the actors, and a few of the story lines were interesting. But that is over. Put it out of its misery. Let the good actors find better work, and the not-so good another line of work. Put the writers on the unemployment line.

The show needs new producers and writers.

And it needs it Right Now!!!

ita ita ita

You know, it's a real shame that GH has gotten this bad. I'm sixty years old and GH has been a part of my daily routine for many, many years. I used to relish a day off from work so I could watch my soaps at leisure (this during the days before VCRs and DVRs). It made ironing (we used to iron!) bearable. Set up the board, sprinkle down the basket full of clothes and iron away while enjoying an hour of prime dialogue between stellar actors. Nowadays, it seems like GH relies solely on the shock factor rather than great writing/dialogue.

This episode with the raunch that is Claudia and Sonny was just too much. I felt like I needed a shower to wash off the sleaze. Two good things have come out of it, though: One, I don't feel compelled to watch GH any more! That frees up an hour in the afternoon that is much better spent outdoors. Second, I can still come to this site and be royally entertained without the abuse that GH inflicts.

I wonder if Guza and Company were actually hired to kill the soap genre and free up those time slots in daytime TV.

Kathy V

I'm glad you wrote about this, because I seriously thought I dreamed it. "Nightmared it" is a better phrase (although grammatically incorrect, but I don't think rules of grammar - or rules of morality - really apply when talking about this shitfest).

I am on chronic fast-forward mode these days on GH, but I actually used the rewind button yesterday. Did Sonny seriously just say, "Hurry up cause I need it NOW?"

SKEEVED OUT - CREE-TO-THE-PEE! AHHHH!!

Then Claudia has to turn up the skanky porn music? How embarrassed were you for Steve Burton (yes, I am referencing the actor here, because it goes without saying the CHARACTER was supposed to be mortified). He must have read the script and thought about drowning himself in a vat of Monavie.

I am POSITIVE, just POSITIVE that Guza insisted they actually film a full-on porn scene with Claudia and Sonny so Guza could watch it over and over at his house - ALONE - and pretend it's him - WITH SONNY. It's clear that it's in Sarah Brown and Maurice Bernard's frickin' contracts that they have to do unnatural and horrid things for their paychecks - they do it everyday with their dialogue alone!

Eww, eww, nasty, eww, gross and NOT A SOAP OPERA! Soap opera love scenes are supposed to make you swoon and "wish you were there, " but all I wished was that I had a flamethrower that permeated the time-space continuum so I could end the torture! EWW!

So apparently the one flaw Guza sees in his own creation is that it just isn't misogynistic enough?

BRILLIANT! and KathyV - truer words were never spoken.

This show has hit an all time low and to say i would be thoroughly embarressed if my daughter walked in the room while i was watching it is an understatement. No worry of that given I do not and will not watch or support this crap.

To think they took a beautifully grounded story like Sonny and Kate and replaced it with this sleeze is just unconscionable.

SJB and MB - I get they signed a contract, big ones no doubt but really, please, do NOT tell me they have earned an Emmy award or even a pre-nom doing this. What a joke.

Is GH competing with B&B for nastiest soap on air? The incest on B&B is just as disgusting as the mob guys on GH. Sonny and Claudia/Carly & Ridge/Brooke on and the same. Ridge and Sonny are total pigs and Claudia, Carly and Brooke are the whorish romantics who thought they can change them. Is Brad Bell and Bob Guza exchanging ideas on how to ruined a soap. Both head writers are making me not care for soaps anymore.

if i accidentally turn on GH next week, am i gonna hear SONNY say "I NEED TO STICK IT IN!"


no exaggeration; i've hear little kids playin BARBIE come up with better (& more plausible) dialogue than that.

Claudia is quite the skank as of late. I had to laugh my ass off when she kicked Ric's unconcious body out of the bed only to open the door to Sonny requesting a booty call! She tells him he needs to be a little more romantic. Sonny replied "Well, hurry up. I need it." Um yeah, really romantic...

Keep in mind Mr. "I need it now" was the same asshat giving MARITAL ADVICE TO A NEUROSURGEON. Count all the things wrong in that sentence and get back to me.

After Ric, who formerly had mad chemistry with Claudia, made my skin crawl by blackmailing her to keep having sex with him, the scene with Sonny was only garden-variety, cheap, written-by-teenagers, soft-core porn disgusting.

Kinda like the difference between the guy who drugs a girl's drink and rapes her and the one who watches girls in bike short at the park while he masturbates behind a tree.

Truly, is that what they're aiming for here? Because I don't think that soap opera are supposed to evoke comparisons with sexual deviants.

Oh, Beth! I just posted my comment and saw yours above it, and I'm almost healed from the trauma of the Claudia "romances". That is the funniest thing I've read in ages, and "asshat" is my new favorite word!

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