Serial Drama

Soap Blog Coalition

Former Guiding Light star John Driscoll is joining the cast of The Young and the Restless as Phillip Chancellor IV. (Daytime Confidential)

Michael Fairman's exclusive interview with the creators of the online parody sensation, Pratt Falls, Ellen and Portia. Plenty of laughs, just in time for Bianca and Reese's exit from Pine Valley! (Michael Fairman Soaps)

This week the Pine Valley Bulletin asks "who do you think really tried to kill Babe but got Dixie instead"? Take the latest poll and tell us who you think was the real deliverer of the dastardly dish!? (Pine Valley Bulletin)

In their latest Soap Opera Digest column, the Serial Drama girls take some new-to-them soaps for a spin for a week. Check out their thoughts about As the World Turns, The Bold and the Beautiful, Guiding Light and One Life to Live. (Serial Drama)

Everyone has problems, but the average soap character doesn't ever have to acknowledge or respond to the likes of a global health issue, a shrinking economy, elderly care issues, the Craig's List Killer or swine flu. (Soap Opera Examiner)

In an exclusive interview, Evan Alex Cole talks with We Love Soaps about his role as Hunter on As The World Turns. (We Love Soaps)

Want to Twitter? Find out all about the Soap World and Twitter Nation! Fastest way to get scoops and star sightings. (Wubs.net)

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

SOD editor's note:  This month, we asked the My Take columnists to watch shows they normally don't.  Here's what they had to say.

My Take
By Mallory Harlen

GUIDING LIGHT has been broadcast for more than seventy years, and it has a great cast—a great cast that it actually utilizes.  Imagine that!—and yet all I could focus on at the beginning of my experiment watching it were the horrible production values. The cheap-looking sets, random outdoor scenes and handheld cameras look, at best, like a public access channel and at worst, like home videos filmed by a toddler with a shaky hand.

Once I got over that, and the accompanying motion sickness, I was impressed by the much-buzzed-about Natalia/Olivia relationship.  Part of it is a love of all things Crystal Chappell-related, sure, but I also think it’s well-written and realistic.  I also found myself really enjoying Shayne and Dinah. Something about the tried and true “two damaged people bond over being damaged” trope works when strong actors are involved.  And Jeff Branson, in a handful of scenes, already got better writing here than he did on ALL MY CHILDREN.

The rest of the show is sort of all over the place.  The pacing is a mess; so long was spent dramatically gearing up for Philip’s trial and talking about Philip’s trial and then the trial lasts a whopping eight minutes? O…kay.  Mallet and Marina bring new meaning to the word “boring” and the less said about Reva’s pregnancy, the better.  Kim Zimmer is certainly a force of nature (that’s diplomatic, right?), but the story is so poorly written.  

What's This Feeling? Could It Be...Enjoyment?

While one stellar episode doesn't do much in terms of making up for weeks and weeks...and weeks of poorly written, circular conversations that managed to simultaneously bore, annoy and insult the audience and made a certain person become bitter, hate-filled and traumatized by the very sight of two of her favorite characters (part of me thinks that's a ludicrous overstatement, but the other part of me thinks it is a sad understatement), said stellar episode does, at the very least, make one remember what it feels like to watch an episode of General Hospital and say, "Hey, not bad!"

Pretty sad that it took an intervention to get me excited, isn't it?

 

But then again, I LOVE television interventions. I mean, intervention episodes are always golden (Exhibit A, Bailey's intervention on Party of Five*. Greatest episode of television...featuring orphans in San Francisco? I believe it is.), so I was predisposed to enjoy Robin's. The fact that it was filled with well-loved characters and Kelly speaking the truth and exhibiting concern and love for someone they all care about, and filled with actors bringing, if you will, it, was icing on the cake.

More Dumb Dialogue Than You Can Shake A Stick At

While watching yesterday's episode of General Hospital, my ears kept perking up every few minutes. "There it is," I'd say, "That's the day's dumbest dialogue." And I'd write it down...under the list of the, like, seventy pieces of dialogue I'd already thought would wind up as the day's dumbest. Moral of the story: never think this show has reached a quality nadir.

Day's Dumbest Dialogue #1

Sonny: Doctor, schedule the operation.

Dr. Hensen: Do you need to discuss this with Michael's mother?

Sonny: No, no, I know Michael's mother very well. She would want me to do it.

Um...don't you need to have custody of your child before you can give consent for them to undergo a life-threatening operation? I would have liked to hear Sonny go into more detail about how well he knows Michael's mother. "See, she and I go way back. We forced Michael's biological father to give up his rights by hanging him on a meathook. It was crazy. We've been married like thirty times, and I shot her in the head once. Funny story, I'll have to tell it to you one day. And Michael is in his present state because he got caught in a hit on my life. So you see...Carly would really want me to make this decision, because I do so many reasonable, well thought out things."

Day's Dumbest Dialogue #2

Olivia: Here is what I think. I think you set sonny up so he wouldn't notice the convenient timing of your pregnancy and he wouldn't ask too many questions about how you got pregnant when you were supposedly using protection.

Claudia: Sonny and I can be extremely energetic during sex. I was a gymnast. What can I say? Accidents happen.

That's not so much dumb as it is FOUL. Sonny and Claudia continue to redefine gross. I think GH needs to start airing viewer discretion warnings!

Day's Dumbest Dialogue #3

Claudia: Wow, you take every opportunity you can get to talk to my husband, don't you? Show up at his house unannounced, follow him onto the dock. You know, they have a technical term for that. It's called stalking.

Okay, again, maybe it's not dumb, exactly, but making me agree with something Claudia said certainly is dumb. Ugh, Olivia is annoying. Remind me again why she is on the show? And remind me again why Megan Ward got bumped down to recurring? I mean, besides the answer that the powers-that-be are literally incapable of making a good decision. That's obvious, I am just wondering if there is something else. Something like a sinister plot to drive the audience insane...

Day's Dumbest Dialogue #4

Nikolas: Why is it so impossible for everyone to believe that I might like Rebecca for herself?

Because she is terrible, Nikolas. We're trying to figure out how you can stand to spend five minutes with her, let alone moon after her.

Day's Dumbest Dialogue #5

Olivia: You know what? Sonny is not a complete idiot.

Oh, Sassy Port Charles Truth-Telling Truth-Teller, you are wrong. So very wrong.

Day's Dumbest Dialogue #6

Jason: Yeah, I know. I'm looking into that.

Sonny: I need you to find him. I'm counting on you to take care of this while I focus on Michael.

"All you have is a head injury, Jason. No big. Now please, go do my bidding for me. Hurry!"

In Which I Hurt Myself Jumping to Conclusions

I have been uncharacteristically quiet on the subject of soaps these past few days, and it's certainly not because the world of daytime isn't giving me anything to work with. I don't normally throw myself pity parties here, but if you'll indulge me for a quick moment: I AM SO STRESSED. It is the end of the semester, and I have so much to do in the next week that I am afraid to even look at the multiple to-do lists I have written because I know that if I look at this list, I will start crying and be completely inconsolable. If someone ever tells you that you should go get your Master's, you should say, "[Insert name of crazy person here], you so crazy!" Because I have been pretty much glued to books and my computer these past few days and have barely made a dent in the pile of work, and it is completely terrible and overwhelming.

Today, in an effort to keep myself sane, I decided to reward myself with an iced coffee and an hour of that wonderful salve known as "television". And the few minutes I caught of the tail end of an episode of Law & Order went a long way in making me feel better about life and general. Then I glanced at my DVR, and saw the backlog of All My Children episodes and thought to myself, "Well, that feeling didn't last long..." Because I knew intuitively that there was no good to be had in those episodes.

And how right I was! Friday in a nutshell: Eden "I'm totally responsible for the state of this show" Riegel is back briefly to do this show a solid that it sorely doesn't deserve, Randi and Frankie are boring, Ryan is just the worst, Rendall is vomit-inducing and Krystal may have given birth to twin whores back in the day. Must-see TV, no?

Also:

Scott: Cute kid. Must take after his mom.

J.R.: Don't act like you knew Babe.

Scott: Hey, I'm just saying. Babe had to be some kind of saint to put up with you.

J.R.: You know, you need to shut up. You have no idea what we had together. In fact, I don't want you to say Babe's name ever again.

Can we stretch that "Don't say Babe's name ever again" ban to the rest of Pine Valley? Because she has been dead for, like, seven months and yet I hear about her more than I hear about Brot and it's starting to irk me (I say "irk" because I feel too ashamed to be honest and say "angers me in the way that a television show shouldn't anger me").

SO, after that debacle, I decided to go see what else is coming up on AMC. I normally don't actively seek spoilers out, because I like pretending that soaps are capable of surprising me with their plots (they always surprise me in terms of the lows they will sink to, quality-wise). And the spoiler that I came across made me even crazier than I was before, and since before I was a highly stressed mess who actually said "ACK" a la Cathy (an incident which will surely be used as evidence should I ever be committed), that is saying something.

The Day's Most "That's What We've Been Saying!" Dialogue

Sam:  I just don’t understand why Sonny can’t keep it in his pants for, like, five seconds.  He spends five minutes around somebody and he impregnates, like, everybody.  I don’t get it.  That just totally came out wrong.  I am so sorry.

Girl, don’t apologize for speaking the truth.  Oh, and about that whole allowing-an-innocent-child-to-be-kidnapped thing?  All is now officially forgiven.

Soap Blog Coalition

Daytime Confidential's Jamey Giddens has another edition of his "Wishful Casting" and this time he has his sights set on former General Hospital star Amber Tamblyn. (Daytime Confidential)

The Serial Drama girls are trying to be open minded about Jamie Luner's version of Liza, but the AMC writers are making it very hard. (Serial Drama)

Guiding Light's Frank won't give up without a fight and Olivia tells Natalia there is no 'us.' (Soap Opera Examiner)

With the cancellation of "Soap Mania" is the Daytime World on High Alert? This is on the heels of ABC pulling the plug on Disney's Super Soap Weekend. Read about this and Kelly Monaco's PeepShow News plus a few new inside tidbits! (Wubs.net)

I Have Faith That He Is a Hypocritical Ass. I Think That's Different, Though.

I'm going to have to talk about yesterday's GH, because if I have to think about today's, that will mean focusing on how bound and determined this spectacularly untalented and possibly vindictive writing team is on destroying everything that was good about Luke and Laura (the central couple in the history of this show, for those who are new), on the fact that I seriously think they are setting up Carly's 78th miscarriage, or on Ingo's mustache.  So instead, let's turn to the mobster (by which I mean hero!) at the place that used to be the heart of this miserable show. 

Sonny:  You weren't expecting this.  Neither was I.  I'm not gonna terminate a pregnancy because it's inconvenient.  Goes against my faith.

In strict keeping with the faith theme:  For the love of all that is good and holy, what the fucking fuck is wrong with the people who write this show?  (Um, I should probably have led with the fact that I'm not very good with the whole "being devout" thing.)  Anyway, let's go over the things that Sonny has done that are apparently not at all against his alleged faith:

The Bad Girls Club

I don't care what they have to do at this point to make us all forget that Emily was murdered and that her corpse was displayed onscreen for weeks and that she had undead ghost/tumor sex with Nikolas. I seriously don't. If it turns out that Emily had a twin and the twin was impersonating her at the Black and White Ball and that the twin was the one who died? Fine. Diego comes back and is all, "J/K, I never killed Emily"? Okay. A scroll appears at the bottom of the screen saying "We made the foolish and short-sighted decision to kill off Emily Quartermaine in our attempt at an edgy sweeps stunt and we failed in a major, major way, so we're going to bring her back, but instead of writing a story that would explain her return, we're just going to pretend like Rebecca never happened, so if you could go ahead and banish her from your memory, that would be great"? I'd buy it.

Because seriously, this may sound like a drama queeny thing to say, but I mean it with complete sincerity: I don't know how much longer I can watch Natalia Livingston try to be bad before I start taking hostages.

Rebecca: Don't you ever touch me again, lady.

"Look at me! Look at me, I am being soooo mean right now. Watch me flip my hair sassily to underscore the fact that I am bad!"

Rebecca: You know what? I don't give a damn. I moved here to work at the hospital. And then right away, you were right after me, stalking me, obsessed with me, wouldn't leave me alone. The truth is I felt sorry for you. And then you helped me through my cancer scare and I was grateful, but now it's over. I'm done.

"Can you imagine Emily saying this? No, right? Being bad is awesome. You can tell I'm bad from my liberal use of the word damn, as well as my sneering and squinting and raccoon makeup."

Rebecca: I was so ticked off, Iwasn't paying attention. I'll be damned if those people cost me the price of a new pair.

It's like she caught an episode of Full House and saw Gia and was like, "That girl tried to peer pressure Stephanie Tanner into smoking! She's the epitome of bad! Let me pattern my new character on her!"

Our Column in the 4/28 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

Our latest My Take/My Take, Too column is on newsstands now, and this time around, our editors asked us to do something a little different and take a look at the rest of the soap world.  Probably on the off chance we could find uniformly nice things to say about a show.  Aren't they cute?

Anyway, Mallory tried out The Bold & The Beautiful and Guiding Light, while Becca watched As The World Turns and One Life To Live.  Did we gawk in horror at the production values on the Procter and Gamble soaps?  Did Mallory find B&B cheesy yet perfect for short attention spans?  Will Becca incense internet-dwellers worldwide by not nominating the OLTL writers for sainthood? Are we capable of being anything other than overly critical and unduly bitchy?  The answers to all these questions should be clear, but check out the column anyway, please?

So make sure to pick up a copy of SOD to see our verdicts, and check back over the next couple of weeks for some Soaps We Don't Watch recaps here on the blog.