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« The Day's Most Cringe-Worthy Dialogue | Main | Liza With a...Seriously, She's Supposed to be Liza? »

April 18, 2009

Inventing New and Exciting Forms of Stupidity

In what is probably a familiar feeling for most General Hospital viewers, I often watch the show and think to myself, "Well, this is the bottom of the barrel. What could be worse than this [insert instance of terribleness here]?" Why do I do that? It's like feeding a gremlin mogwai after midnight: it will only lead to disaster! And by "lead to disaster" I mean "inspire the writers to one-up themselves in awful ways", because, without fail, twelve seconds after assuming that nothing could possible be worse, something new happens and I realize that the show has reached a new low.


Case in point.

Aren't shows supposed to end on an intriguing note on Fridays, so that viewers won't be able to wait until Monday to tune in? The pregnancy test shenanigans on yesterday's episode were so...icky that I don't know if I'll be able to stomach Monday's episode. I mean, really, Carly asking Jason to read her pregnancy test? ICKY. Claudia traipsing around Sonny's house with her pregnancy test? ICKY and also IDIOTIC. Seriously, Claudia is the worst at keeping her plans secret. "I am secretly trying to get pregnant to save my life, but I can't let my husband know. While he's out, I'll take a pregnancy test and walk all over the house with it in my hand. I can pretend it's a parasol!"

Let me revise that last bit, actually: Claudia is the worst, in general.

Claudia: I'll say this as many times as I have to. I didn't have anything to do with Michael getting shot.


One of the most annoying things to watch on a television show is a character who is guilty of something bitch and moan about the fact that they are being accused of it. It happened with Phyllis on The Young and the Restless (and was made even worse because she was jailed for the thing she actually did. Months of prison martyring nearly killed my Phyllis love) and is no less irritating here. Every time Claudia claims that she's innocent and how dare anyone think she could do something like that, I just want to scream. Repetition of a lie does not suddenly make the lie true!

Claudia: Well, then we let it play out. All I need is enough time to get pregnant.

Johnny: Oh, my -- do you even hear how crazy that is, Claudia? You wantto bet your life on a baby you don't even know you're going to have.

THANK YOU, Johnny. And Claudia, really, getting pregnant is only buying you nine months worth of time, because once you have the baby, you're as good as dead. Sonny has already threatened to killl the mother of one of his other children!


Spinelli: Yeah, but had it not been for the White Knight, the Demented One would have been imprisoned at the Metro Court crisis.

Really, Spinelli? Kind of blaming Jax for the fact that Michael is in a coma? That is mighty big talk from a guy wearing this hoodie without being dared or paid to.


Jax is but a mere shell of the character he once was, but even so, I will not tolerate the mob blaming him for anything! Especially not when the mob is wearing that hideous hoodie! WHY?! Bradford Anderson is a consummate professional because seriously, lesser people would have quit on the spot if they were asked to wear that for the entire viewing audience to see (although maybe the fact that the GH viewing audience is half a dozen people had something to do with it...)

Spinelli: Do you have an emergency or not?

Maxie: Why are you talking like a normal person?

Why are the writers taunting me with Spinelli speaking regular human English? I know that once he and Maxie patch things up, it will go back to all gibberish, all the time.


Oh, Lulu. Did you even bother to finish the episode of Full House or a similar sitcom to see how the whole "divide the room/apartment in the middle" plot ends?


It ends with a tearful declaration of love, a hug and "awwws" from the studio audience! All of that hard work, for nothing!


You know what's awesome about the PPD story? That's not a trick question, and the answer isn't "nothing", I swear: Matt!


Matt is the awesome part of the PPD story. And the fact that a supporting character seen every once in a while is the highlight of a story featuring Patrick and Robin should tell you a whole lot about the clusterfuck that is this show.

But back to Matt:

Matt: Are you kidding? He straight up called his wife out, said that she picked up some stranger and ran off to Rochester. I mean, and that is what really hurts. I mean, she could at least have shown some taste and ran off to, like, New York City or something.


Matt: Yeah, no problem. You know what? It's not -- you're not mad about this guy. You're a little embarrassed about your breakdown here at work, and you're so mad at Robin that you can't even function.

He's funny AND he speaks the truth. Naturally, this means he must be banished to the backburner for all eternity.

In what is becoming a regrettably commonplace occurrence, Patrick and Robin were both as annoying as hell in a storyline that is refusing to end.

Patrick:Robin's in a lot of pain. She wanted to be a mother more than anything in the world. Now she can't stand to be in the same room as Emma. I'm not going to judge that, especially now, especially when she's doing everything she needs to be doing. She's taking her meds. She's seeing a therapist.

Coleman: Well, that's cool, but do you think she did the guy?

Patrick: She said she didn't. I'm choosing to believe her. You know, if anybody was going to run around in this marriage, I figured it would be me.

Okay, for starters, how charming is that last line? So romantic! He did redeem himself by saying that nothing is better than life when he and Robin are happy, and talking about staying up and feeding Emma and watching races with her. I wish we could see that instead of...well, instead of 90% of the show.

And "I'm not going to judge that"? If Patrick hasn't been judgmental towards Robin these past few months, I don't even want to imagine what happens when he is actually judging someone!

(Also, Coleman skeeves me out. I know that he has legions of admirers, but, just, ew.)

Robin throwing her pills out actually made me gasp. Not out of shock, or any emotional investment in the story, but out of horror that this story is still not ending.



I did crack up at Robin standing by the garbage, all nonchalant after she chucked her pills. It was like she was going to start whistling, and saying "Nothing to see here, people, nothing to see".


I am afraid to even ask this, because I know the writers will seize upon it as a dare, but...for real, how much longer can this story last? I am beginning to run out of patience, goodwill and adjectives for boring and terrible!

Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason


LOL! Can't disagree with much, Mallory. Matt is the best part of this PPD story. I loved that he called out Patrick. Liz had no right to send Matt away. Matt should have his own story and love interest.

Seriously, is there anyone in PC who Patrick has not told about Robin's PPD and possible cheating? Coleman is dead to me after his shitty attitude towards Robin. I gasped at Patrick's running around in this marriage comment. What an ass! Robin should have never married him. Guza has ruined chocolate and Robin and Patrick. We have 7 more episodes of this PPD so hang in there.

No words about the pee stick. I will add that I find Olivia as Carly's new found faux friend really annoying.

I decided to watch again this week and look what I got for my efforts. GH loves to torture it's viewers, so Emma will probably be in preschool before this storyline concludes. I won't so badly, the "real" Patrick and Robin back.

I agree about Matt so maybe he needs to stay on the backburner, so the writers will leave him alone.

Claudia being pregnant just gives me that nauseous feeling in my stomach! Oh, I think I'm going to be sick ...

Sorry about the typo, it's suppose to read I want the real Patrick and Robin back.

It's no coincidence, I think, that backburner characters like Matt and Liz and Alexis and Tracy are the only likable ones on the show anymore. (Although Tracy has tripped dangerously closed to the edge since she started getting more screentime and they put her on the Bash Lucky Brigade.)

They get dragged out to be the voice of the audience (in some lame attempt by the writers to say "see? we're totally addressing the concerns of the audience!") and not much else, so there's less chance of the characters becoming ruined and hateful like everyone else that gets copious screen time and actual "story."

There was one bright spot in Friday's episode: LULU'S AMAZING BOOTS.

SPOT on, Mallory. I was having pretty much all the same thoughts as I watched on Friday.
Matt is a gem, and my heart experiences a pitiful tug of hope every time he appears in a scene. I know it's probably futile to allow myself even the slightest shred of optimism that the character will be used to his full potential in this horrific, infuriating storyline.

Doesn't Spinelli make an ass out of himself enough as it is, without Wardrobe dressing him in that monstrosity? He looked like a 5th grader. From 1995. I have to say, though, hearing him speak to Maxie normally was shocking to me, because I realized that if he spoke like that all the time (and kept his voice pitch at an acceptable level when excited), I might not dislike the character quite so much.

As much as I love Sarah Brown, and as much as I've been trying to pull for Claudia by default, I am losing my patience. Why she wants Sonny's love so badly I cannot begin to fathom. I hate Sonny and Jason so much that I was startled when I recently watched old youtube videos of Jason with Sarah Brown's Carly and Jason with Liz(you know, when Jason actually smiled occasionally) and remembered that there was a time when I actually liked him. More importantly, there was a time when I actually LOVED the show.

This was a fun read! Matt was funny! I'd like to see Matt come in a swoop Maxie away from the Spinelli/Johnny mess. I really liked Matt and Maxie's scenes last week.

Oooh, you must have blocked out the last time Carly thought she was pregnant & asked Jason to hold her pee stick for her. This isn't even a new or exciting form of stupidity.

Matt is awesome. I can't bring myself to watch clips of the PPD story anymore but I have seen a couple of Matt's moments. He is hands down the best part of this story.

How sad is this? Seeing that cap of Robin throwing her pills away makes me want to pick her up & put her in the garbage can too. I've loved Robin forever but OMG I cannot take this story any longer!!

What about the first thing Patrick said to Coleman, "How did I end up with a wife and kid?" I am so sick of his whining and rewriting history! Like marriage and family was thrust upon him like cancer or something. And not the reality of him begging Robin to let him be a father and to marry him and the power of their love and family etc.... like he claimed for months. He fucking sued her womb to get close to her! Damn you Guza!!!

Patrick just got married and he keeps bitching about it! He was only happy and excited to be married on his wedding day it seems. It's like he is now the biggest effing liar ever on GH. And that is something.

That speech he made to Robert at wedding #2 now seems like total bullshit. I hate how this character and this couple have been so totally maligned and destroyed with no forethought or point. It's an ugly mess and past the point of redemption.

I mean how many damn times do we have to witness Robin agree and say Carly was right. That insane untruth began with Scrubs first kiss and it still is happening over and over agin from the dumb bet and even in this PPD crapfest. CARLY IS NOT RIGHT!!!!! All that "saint" BS and Robin loving to put everybody down and claim she is better is just total BS. It was crap when she said it during cottage hell and it still is crap. That is not Robin damn it.

And Robin refusing medical treatment for a condition she knows is hurting her, her daughter, her husband and her family is also another huge lie Guza has constructed and shoved down our throats. Robin is responsible and intelligent. Even with horrific depression she knows she needs help. I am furious about how Guza is completely distorting this illness and this character. She's not Robin anymore.

And what Patrick is doing by telling EVERYONE in town that Robin was mentally ill and a cheater followed by attacking her at work and calling her out is IMO very very close to unforgivable. It's like he is a total heartless moron with zero common sense. Does he not know what is private medical or family information? He's a doctor for shits sake right? It's insane, and of course doormat Robin lets it go with a slap and 5 minutes later forgives him completely. WTF? How does that recconcile with Carly's judgement that Robin always has to be better and right? It doesn't make any sense you idiots in charge! Pick a point and stick with it Guza!!!

Sorry, but this PPD and GH in general are burrowing into my mind and driving me mental.

You are dead right about Matt. I wish he had told busy body Liz to butt out though. He's family and she is not, he isn't trying to scope out Robin like she is Patrick. Goody goody Liz super woman needs to butt out. And Robin missing her friendship and wanting to go to lunch w/ super mommy Liz? Why not just buy Carly a present Robin, geez, get your head out of your ass.

Sarah Brown did an interview with TV Guide, it's online and you MUST read it. She is just like Pratt, Guza, and Carruthers! It starts off alright, then she goes into wacko lie territory. I guess this makes SB part of the ABC Daytime brass. She lies and denies just like them. She flat out denies that Claudia is trying to get pregnant by Sonny to save Claudia's life. She says she may not know Claudia very well yet, but that she and Guza know for sure that Claudia is too strong and independant and even a mob boss in her own right to ever need a man or a baby to save her! SB says that no way is the story going in that direction, NO WAY. She says she would never have signed on for another year if that was the case, she and Guza agreed on it.

Ah hem, unless SB has a clone and the clone tapes GH, how the fuck can she say that? And to top it off the interviewer calls SB refreshingly open and honest. HUH?!?!?!?!?!?! WTF?!?!?!?!

Matt is awesome. That's all I have to say about GH these days.

I feel like I shouldn't extol Matt's awesomeness because I felt the same way about Maxie once and was happy that she was getting some attention; that was a mistake because it went to complete shit. I want to see him, but I don't want Guza to know because Matt will end up in the mob or talking like he's had head trauma.

LMAO!!! I LOVE your blogs and as always so write on.

Claws is pathetic, end of story. Get rid of her. Have the truth out.

This PPD story has GOT to go RIGHT NOW!! Patrick, you ASKED Robin to Marry you!! Don't whine now. In SICKNESS and in health, for better or for WORSE!! Why are we only seeing SICKNESS and WORSE with such an otherwise wonderful and popular couple? Leave it to Guz to throw Robin and Patrick and Scrubs under the bus! ENOUGH ALREADY!!

As much as I love Robin and Patrick (even though evil GUZA is making it real hard for me to stand either one of them right now), I just want this painful story to end. it is soooooo dam frustrating, specially cause of all of the back and forth they have in the story. on thursday they had them take a step forward, and on friday we get 3 thousand steps back words. I just wanted to slap the both of them today. Robin for her throwing away her pills cause like you guys, all I kept thinking was THIS STORY IS NEVER GOING TO END! and Patrick for that stupid line about if anybody was going to run around in this marrige I thought it would be me, seriously? all I kept thinking and all I kept wanting to say was: FU GUZA for working overtime in destroying the ONLY COUPLE worth watching on this shit fest of a show (and despite what Evil Guza and co. are doing to them I still think that they are the only one's worth watching cause of the fantastic chemistry between Kimberly and Jason), and the other thing that bothered me was the fact that after Robin just the day before told Patrick how much she HATES it when he tells everyone there buissness, what does he do the very next day, the same DAM thing. I agree with you guys about Matt, but I also have to add that Kimberly is doing a fantastic job with this crappy storyline, despite how badly it's being written and so is Jason. I bet they are both saying Please, Please END this story already!!! As for everything else, I really HATE Claudia everything about her repulses me. but that being said, you know that ass Guza is somehow gonna make it so that her character doesn't "pay" for what she helped do to Micheal and you know that someone like Ric who despite his past and present, he is someone I am starting to like more and more, is probably gonna be the poor sucker who pays for something he really didn't even do. And when Spinelle talks English, I like him. The character of LuLu needs to grow up, and much love for Maxie but she still needs to decide what she wants ( and I personaly hope it's Johnny). and seriously, Jason why is he reading a pregnancy test? is there nothing Saint Jason/Hit man can't do?

Mallory said:
Repetition of a lie does not suddenly make the lie true!

Unfortunately, repetition does make a lie believable most of the time. That's why politicians do it, how notions become accepted as reality, and why Claudia will likely never suffer any serious consequences for her part in Michael's shooting.

I'm pretty sick of this being dragged out. It's not angsty, it's not building to anything exciting, it's just boring.

"One of the most annoying things to watch on a television show is a character who is guilty of something bitch and moan about the fact that they are being accused of it."

Ah, the Bill Clinton defense. A classic.

"And Claudia, really, getting pregnant is only buying you nine months worth of time, because once you have the baby, you're as good as dead. Sonny has already threatened to killl the mother of one of his other children!"

Not to mention, that small matter of SONNY SHOOTING CARLY IN THE HEAD WHILE SHE WAS GIVING BIRTH! ...And he even like loved her and junk at the time. Claudia really should have checked into Sonny's past with his baby mama's before deciding to grace us with the 7th possible Sonny spawn...

You had me at "Matt is the awesome part of the PPD story." Heck Yeah! Seriously, I was only slightly hip to Matt's awesome awesomeness prior to the PPD, but I can now say I am on the Matt Hunter is awesome train!

As for the rest of the s/l, I've had it up to my neck. The writers have done everything in their power to make Robin, a woman suffering from PPD, terribly unsympathetic and Patrick hasn't gotten off much better. Kudos to JT and KMc for making the best of the inconstant, frustrating and at times straight up ridiculous writing, but I really need it to stop already. I can't take the one step forward and the two giant steps backwards anymore.

I love Matt. Now why aren't we seeing more of him?

As for the pregnancy test scene and Jason's reaction, Laura told us it was a real pregnancy test stick that was used. It also had a real positive sign on it, meaning someone had actually peed on it.

I love reading your blog. You guys hit the nail on the head every single time. Yes... why won't this PPD story end?? Ugh. I want my couple back and preferably, I don't know, maybe happy? I'm wondering if tptb remember they're still newlyweds. Gosh tptb suck, they really do.

And I want a frickin love scene! LOL It's going on 3 yrs here.

I love Matt. He's honest, truly wants to help and loves Patrick, Robin and Emma. Unfortunately no one wants to listen to him. He's right and I think they all know it.

I don't even watch GH, can't get myself to even read the comments on TWOP anymore--it's just that much of an embarrassing hot mess.

And even I can tell this shit is going to end in a baby swap/baby stealing storyline.

So, see, this show can go lower.

Well said! Where is the Patrick that helped Robin after the death of April (P: "I won't let you quit on yourself") or after Laura's re-entry into sleepville...(bar fight with COleman) Obviously from yesterday, Coleman KNEW all about Robin's 'cheating' and how about Patrick being non-judgemental? Are you kidding me? In order to save this story for me,I would want to see Robin in group really fall apart and admitt the real problem of her life...She is PISSED at Stone..leaving her sick and alone...as much as you love someone and as much as you understand he was ignorant of his actions, it still has to make you mad on some level...its the only way this Robin would make sense...but what do I know...

I want Robin to stop talking about taking medication like it makes those who need it somehow lesser human beings. It is absolutely effing insulting and makes me sick every time I have to hear her talking about how "good mothers" don't need to take pills. Plenty of them do! And they're still good mothers!

Guza's version of "judging" someone confuses me. Patrick allegedly hasn't been judgemental when he discusses his wife's issues with every third mailbox but Lucky is being judgemental when he tells his father to step up and be a father to Lulu. RIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHTTTTTT.

Also correct me if I am wrong numerous Scrubs fans...but isn't this "non-judging" attitude PatPrick has been showing the EXACT reason she gave for not wanting to marry him?

Kels- I am sure the reason why we have a reapeat of the exact same pregnancy test shenanings that we'll be told totally aren't the same was that time Carly not only wasnt' pregnant...she was totally pretending that then mob-boss Jason was the father so therfore it was HIGH-larious and we should see all the time.

Sarah I totally read that Nelson interview with Sarah Brown! I believe my reaction when I read Claudia is totally not desperate to have Sonny's baby was thus: "Oh bitch please!" and i prayed for Cameron to sit right next to me and read the same thing.

Ladies, there is a brilliant series of videos on Youtube called 'General WTF'. When I watched them I thought of you. They were inspired by the videos called 'Pratt Falls', which makes fun of the AMC headwriter. I think you'll love them.

Cheers, Leah

Thanks Beth R.. I am so glad someone else read that nut job of an interview clearly. Sarah Brown is so full of it! Like Carruthers she blames the audience for seeing things that are not allegedly happening on air. BITCH PLEASE is right! Cameron is a soap opera sage.

And Nelson was drooling all over her honesty and bravery for telling it like it is with no fear of repercussions from the higher ups. Is he her publicist? How else can he write such BS?


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