Inventing New and Exciting Forms of Stupidity
In what is probably a familiar feeling for most General Hospital viewers, I often watch the show and think to myself, "Well, this is the bottom of the barrel. What could be worse than this [insert instance of terribleness here]?" Why do I do that? It's like feeding a gremlin mogwai after midnight: it will only lead to disaster! And by "lead to disaster" I mean "inspire the writers to one-up themselves in awful ways", because, without fail, twelve seconds after assuming that nothing could possible be worse, something new happens and I realize that the show has reached a new low.
Case in point.
Aren't shows supposed to end on an intriguing note on Fridays, so that viewers won't be able to wait until Monday to tune in? The pregnancy test shenanigans on yesterday's episode were so...icky that I don't know if I'll be able to stomach Monday's episode. I mean, really, Carly asking Jason to read her pregnancy test? ICKY. Claudia traipsing around Sonny's house with her pregnancy test? ICKY and also IDIOTIC. Seriously, Claudia is the worst at keeping her plans secret. "I am secretly trying to get pregnant to save my life, but I can't let my husband know. While he's out, I'll take a pregnancy test and walk all over the house with it in my hand. I can pretend it's a parasol!"
Let me revise that last bit, actually: Claudia is the worst, in general.
Claudia: I'll say this as many times as I have to. I didn't have anything to do with Michael getting shot.
OMFG YOU TOTALLY DID, YOU STUPID COW.
One of the most annoying things to watch on a television show is a character who is guilty of something bitch and moan about the fact that they are being accused of it. It happened with Phyllis on The Young and the Restless (and was made even worse because she was jailed for the thing she actually did. Months of prison martyring nearly killed my Phyllis love) and is no less irritating here. Every time Claudia claims that she's innocent and how dare anyone think she could do something like that, I just want to scream. Repetition of a lie does not suddenly make the lie true!
Claudia: Well, then we let it play out. All I need is enough time to get pregnant.
Johnny: Oh, my -- do you even hear how crazy that is, Claudia? You wantto bet your life on a baby you don't even know you're going to have.
THANK YOU, Johnny. And Claudia, really, getting pregnant is only buying you nine months worth of time, because once you have the baby, you're as good as dead. Sonny has already threatened to killl the mother of one of his other children!
Spinelli: Yeah, but had it not been for the White Knight, the Demented One would have been imprisoned at the Metro Court crisis.
Really, Spinelli? Kind of blaming Jax for the fact that Michael is in a coma? That is mighty big talk from a guy wearing this hoodie without being dared or paid to.
Jax is but a mere shell of the character he once was, but even so, I will not tolerate the mob blaming him for anything! Especially not when the mob is wearing that hideous hoodie! WHY?! Bradford Anderson is a consummate professional because seriously, lesser people would have quit on the spot if they were asked to wear that for the entire viewing audience to see (although maybe the fact that the GH viewing audience is half a dozen people had something to do with it...)
Spinelli: Do you have an emergency or not?
Maxie: Why are you talking like a normal person?
Why are the writers taunting me with Spinelli speaking regular human English? I know that once he and Maxie patch things up, it will go back to all gibberish, all the time.
Oh, Lulu. Did you even bother to finish the episode of Full House or a similar sitcom to see how the whole "divide the room/apartment in the middle" plot ends?
It ends with a tearful declaration of love, a hug and "awwws" from the studio audience! All of that hard work, for nothing!
You know what's awesome about the PPD story? That's not a trick question, and the answer isn't "nothing", I swear: Matt!
Matt is the awesome part of the PPD story. And the fact that a supporting character seen every once in a while is the highlight of a story featuring Patrick and Robin should tell you a whole lot about the clusterfuck that is this show.
But back to Matt:
Matt: Are you kidding? He straight up called his wife out, said that she picked up some stranger and ran off to Rochester. I mean, and that is what really hurts. I mean, she could at least have shown some taste and ran off to, like, New York City or something.
Matt: Yeah, no problem. You know what? It's not -- you're not mad about this guy. You're a little embarrassed about your breakdown here at work, and you're so mad at Robin that you can't even function.
He's funny AND he speaks the truth. Naturally, this means he must be banished to the backburner for all eternity.
In what is becoming a regrettably commonplace occurrence, Patrick and Robin were both as annoying as hell in a storyline that is refusing to end.
Patrick:Robin's in a lot of pain. She wanted to be a mother more than anything in the world. Now she can't stand to be in the same room as Emma. I'm not going to judge that, especially now, especially when she's doing everything she needs to be doing. She's taking her meds. She's seeing a therapist.
Coleman: Well, that's cool, but do you think she did the guy?
Patrick: She said she didn't. I'm choosing to believe her. You know, if anybody was going to run around in this marriage, I figured it would be me.
Okay, for starters, how charming is that last line? So romantic! He did redeem himself by saying that nothing is better than life when he and Robin are happy, and talking about staying up and feeding Emma and watching races with her. I wish we could see that instead of...well, instead of 90% of the show.
And "I'm not going to judge that"? If Patrick hasn't been judgmental towards Robin these past few months, I don't even want to imagine what happens when he is actually judging someone!
(Also, Coleman skeeves me out. I know that he has legions of admirers, but, just, ew.)
Robin throwing her pills out actually made me gasp. Not out of shock, or any emotional investment in the story, but out of horror that this story is still not ending.
WHY WON'T IT END?
I did crack up at Robin standing by the garbage, all nonchalant after she chucked her pills. It was like she was going to start whistling, and saying "Nothing to see here, people, nothing to see".
I am afraid to even ask this, because I know the writers will seize upon it as a dare, but...for real, how much longer can this story last? I am beginning to run out of patience, goodwill and adjectives for boring and terrible!