Our Long Hoped-for Drinks Session with Kelly Monaco Will Now Be Very Awkward
Okay you guys. I knew from the initial description that Kelly Monaco's Vegas venture would not be the best career move ever. I believe it was described as a classy topless burlesque act. I feel the need to bust out the Sam McCall airquotes for that one.
"Classy" topless Vegas show. Uh-huh.
But no matter what you thought about the idea in theory, in execution . . . have mercy. (Link has no nudity but is probably not safe for work, unless you work in a strip club, in which case you're going to take issue with this entire post so you might as well just not click and skip ahead to the comments section where you berate me for being a prude. Thanks.)
I sent that link to Mallory yesterday and we both sat, awestruck (on the "horror" end of the awe spectrum, as opposed to the "amazed and delighted" one), pondering how this horrible thing befell the lovely Kelly Monaco.
Becca: Like, seriously, are drugs involved? I worry.
Mallory: They must be. I honestly don't understand what kind of people she is friends with if they all let her do that. What kind of a manager does she have?!?!
Becca: I get that you don't get rich doing soaps, and there's not a lot of job security, but she has way more national exposure than most soap stars, plus I think even if GH dumped her she would get picked up in a heartbeat by another show. She seems to have a strong fanbase. So why this? And why with Scary Spice? The whole thing is like something some overgrown frat boy sketched on a cocktail napkin while drunk.
Mallory: I feel like most soap stars don't have great job security but SHE does. Frons loves her and bent over backward to get her to re-sign. I feel like this is just...tacky. And weird! I don't know what she's hoping to get out of something like this, I really don't.
I seriously need help understanding this. I also need to erase those stick-on-bra and rhinestone g-string images from my mind, so I'm going to reach back into Expression Hall of Fame history and bust out with one of my favorite Kelly Monaco moments ever: Very Drunk Sam!
Come to think of it, maybe the reason those scenes made us want to do happy hour with Kelly Monaco is that she seems to be so very comfortable holding that martini glass. Perhaps real-life imbibing is what led to this whole Vegas thing? If that is the case, as Mal says, Kelly needs new friends. Because even if we were well and truly sauced, if a good friend of mine proposed a "classy" Vegas strip-tease gig, my reaction would have been, how can I put this politely . . .
bitch, please. If that friend were Kelly Monaco, I would have said "bitch, please" and then demanded her workout tips. But you get what I mean: Friends don't let friends do topless acts in Vegas. So clearly, Kelly Monaco needs new friends.
But I'm probably being too Type-A and judge-y about this. What say you?