Serial Drama

The Kids Are All Right, But I Can't Say The Same For The Rest of the Show

A surprising amount of people have found their way to Serial Drama lately via an image search for "cute babies", which surprised me at first, but then I realized that, while we don't often give soaps credit for much, we do give them credit for their cute babies ('sup, Cam?).

Latching on to something positive and ruining it is what General Hospital does best (we all remember the chocolate cake incident, right?), so it makes a sad sort of sense that an entire episode about babies, either living, hoped-for or foreshadowed, was terrible from start to finish.

Emma is by far the best part of the execrable postpartum depression story. Her little baby facial expressions crack me up. I especially like how she was visibly annoyed during Patrick's soliloquy about fatherhood, rolling her eyes as if to say, "Here he goes again with the father of the year story"

and then plainly thinking, "If I ignore him, maybe he'll stop talking".

And yes, I know that she is a baby and doesn't have complex thoughts, but you know what? I need something entertaining to cling to in a story that has managed to make me irritated with everyone involved and if the only entertaining thing is a particularly emotive child actor, well, so be it.

Finally, Something Worth Blogging About

I just cannot get motivated to even mock Days of Our Lives lately, let alone recap it in any detail.  It's so blah, so boring, so filled with characters I don't really give a crap about.  I admit that it has its moments -- Sami and Rafe are a surprisingly fantastic match, even in the midst of a dumb storyline -- but not enough to justify the fact that the ratings are actually up.  (I'm choosing to believe that with skyrocketing unemployment, there are just more people at home, and when you lose your job you cut back on cable so you only have the networks and really, what else are you going to watch?  Where I live, Days is on against All My Children.  I mean, it's not Sophie's choice, but . . . it's a tough decision and it involves lots of long-lasting pain, okay?) 

The unjustly-emboldened-by-rising-ratings writers killed off Tony, AGAIN, totally unnecessarily, and didn't even have the decency to involve Anna.  Bo's asinine psychic visions continue.  Phillip's brain is apparently being affected by Jay Kenneth's Johnson's terrible haircut, because lil' Phil is messing with Stefano.  EJ is alternately dull as dishwasher and a rageaholic and Nicole has been drained of everything I found interesting about her.  Stephanie is pretty but mostly useless, Kate is psycho and mostly useless, Chloe is a moron and mostly useless, and Lucas is fulfilling his historical role of being just plain useless.  None of these things are interesting enough to justify blogging that would require tearing myself away from many more intriguing things, like switching my closet out for spring, picking the options for my hoped-for future Prius online, and making fun of the American Idol contestants with Mallory.

ANYWAY, something yesterday finally pulled me out of my Days doldrums and inspired me to blog again (though only briefly).

I've Never Been So Happy For My TV To Go On The Fritz!

Early in yesterday's episode of All My Children,right around the point that Zach and Reese and Ryan and Kendall were staring each other down and being contemptuous of one another, there was suddenly no sound, so I absent-mindedly hit the mute button to un-mute it, and it wasn't on mute at all. I got nervous that I had actually had a rage blackout and gone deaf (this worried me most especially because how embarrassing would it be to explain that to a doctor? "Reese is just awful and Ryan is the worst, and Zach is being terrible lately, and I got so irritated that my ears broke!" Hello, humiliation), but when I changed the channel, everything else had sound; AMC was the only show that was muted. It was weird and glorious, and like my TV was doing me a solid, saving me from the angst that was sure to follow.

Before I comment on the happenings in Pine Valley, lets check in on the offscreen AMC happenings, in a continuing series I like to call, "Wow, These People Shouldn't Be Trusted With a Pet Rock". Today's installment, brought this way via reader Donna, features Julie Hanan Carruthers, Charles Pratt and the black hole of suck that accompanies them at all times. Regarding the recast of Liza with Jamie Luner, the AMC powers-that-be had this to say:

“She’s coming to Pine Valley with a big bang – literally — a great surprise entrance that’s unexpected and pretty delicious”

If we're not surprised and don't find it delicious, will we again be accused of writing elaborate mental fanfiction?

Back then, Jamie’s nickname on the set was ‘Turbo’ because she’s such a ball of energy and you can throw anything at her,” says Pratt.

"It is a skill that will serve her well here because, I gotta be honest with you, I change stories so fast you'd get whiplash."

“I warned her that joining AMC would be daunting and crazy. What with 30 actors and all the behind-the-scenes stuff, it’s like high school."

What a bitch! He seriously just insulted all of the show's cast and crew. Unless there is a set-wide burn book that the public doesn't know about, he needs to just stop. And if there IS a set-wide burn book, I'm willing to wager that all of the nasty entries are about him.

"But they’re the ones who have to watch out"

Yes, David Canary, Susan Lucci, Debbi Morgan, Thorsten Kaye, Alicia Minshew, and the rest need to watch out for the master thespian Jamie "Just The Ten Of Us" Luner.

"Jamie’s not an ass kisser. She’s very straightforward. She’s going to shake up the cast in a very good way.”

The thing is that I LIKE Jamie Luner! But way to diminish all of my good will before her first air date by blatantly admitting that you're casting people you know in order to create a new AMC that suits your vision, rather than do something insane like work with the cast and history you have.

Pratt says he’s not going to commit to any romantic entanglements right away but he does want to see how Luner sparks with Thorsten Kaye. Says the scribe: “His character Zach is at a desperate, dark place in his life when Liza returns — he’s at the lowest point he’s ever been — so that could be a very exciting match for the audience,” Pratt says. “But we’ll play it by ear. We’re going to put Jamie with a lot of guys and see what kind of hell she can raise. After all, that’s what she does best.”

I compulsively write to-do lists, so maybe I'm not the best person to ask, but just for the sake of argument: shouldn't you, I don't know, have A PLAN when you bring back an important character. We are going to be in for months of Liza aimlessly going from story to story until something sticks, aren't we? Can't wait!

Our Long Hoped-for Drinks Session with Kelly Monaco Will Now Be Very Awkward

Okay you guys.  I knew from the initial description that Kelly Monaco's Vegas venture would not be the best career move ever.  I believe it was described as a classy topless burlesque act.  I feel the need to bust out the Sam McCall airquotes for that one.

"Classy" topless Vegas show.  Uh-huh.

But no matter what you thought about the idea in theory, in execution . . . have mercy. (Link has no nudity but is probably not safe for work, unless you work in a strip club, in which case you're going to take issue with this entire post so you might as well just not click and skip ahead to the comments section where you berate me for being a prude.  Thanks.)

I sent that link to Mallory yesterday and we both sat, awestruck (on the "horror" end of the awe spectrum, as opposed to the "amazed and delighted" one), pondering how this horrible thing befell the lovely Kelly Monaco.

Mallory:  HOLY CRAP.  How did anyone let her do this?! I feel like she needs an intervention in a major way.
Becca:  Like, seriously, are drugs involved?  I worry.
Mallory:  They must be. I honestly don't understand what kind of people she is friends with if they all let her do that. What kind of a manager does she have?!?!
Becca:  I get that you don't get rich doing soaps, and there's not a lot of job security, but she has way more national exposure than most soap stars, plus I think even if GH dumped her she would get picked up in a heartbeat by another show.  She seems to have a strong fanbase.  So why this?  And why with Scary Spice?  The whole thing is like something some overgrown frat boy sketched on a cocktail napkin while drunk.
Mallory:  I feel like most soap stars don't have great job security but SHE does. Frons loves her and bent over backward to get her to re-sign. I feel like this is just...tacky. And weird! I don't know what she's hoping to get out of something like this, I really don't.

I seriously need help understanding this.  I also need to erase those stick-on-bra and rhinestone g-string images from my mind, so I'm going to reach back into Expression Hall of Fame history and bust out with one of my favorite Kelly Monaco moments ever:  Very Drunk Sam!

The Melrose Revamp Ill-Advisedly Continues

Nobody at the CW has, in the last month, come to their collective senses and said, "Holy hell, we are remaking a cheesy, awesome, cheesily AWESOME show and also giving Ashlee Simpson a paycheck. WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!" and aborted all plans for this remake, which is a pity, but they HAVE chosen to add one of my all time Melrose favorites to the cast: Laura Leighton's Sydney will be the new landlady.

Even though this is silly because we all saw her die dramatically on her wedding day, and even though she'll probably get even less airtime than Jennie Garth on the new 90210, and even though we still have not heard ANYTHING about a Michael Mancini cameo, I have to admit that this is the best Melrose related news I have heard yet (a statement obviously damning with faint praise), because Sydney and Laura Leighton are pretty fab.

EDIT: Thank you, Nikki for the heads up: Michael Mancini! On the new Melrose! Eeeeee!!!

It's Like Quality Is Punishable By Law, Or Something

If I have to give General Hospital credit for anything, it is the continuing employment of Awesome Writer, because it means that there is a chance, tiny though it may be, that, in between the oodles of badness, there will be a scene, or a part of a scene or, more rarely, entire storylines that are well-written, engrossing and entertaining.

All My Children has no such writer. Indeed, I imagine the AMC writing staff to be a set of one-uppers, each more determined than the next to craft something wholly awful (that has to be what is happening, right? I mean, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I won't feel safe sleeping at night if I know that people who think AMC is creative genius are roaming the streets).

Like...okay, Kendall woke up from her coma at the end of January. In the three months that she was in the coma, everything that happened can pretty much be summed up with "People torched the hell out of Kendall's life". And then she wakes up and over the course of the next two months, she is freaked out by the fact that her husband and sister had a baby, and is freaked out by Reese just...being, and then everyone gets pissed at her because she's not all peachy keen with the Flowers in the Attic turn her life has taken without her knowing, and then she's kind of mean to Reese (Which, AS IF the rest of Pine Valley wasn't dying to be just as mean) and then Reese kisses her husband and her best friend tries to confront Zach about the kiss (which really had nothing to do with her but hey, why write popular character s off of the show with anything resembling respect or good storytelling when we can just drive them off a cliff in a wedding gown on a motorcycle?) and winds up riding her motorcycle off of a cliff and then Zach takes responsibility for it, which leads Kendall's caveman ex-boyfriend to declare war on him and then Reese goes blind and then Zach leaves and Greenlee's body is found and Kendall has sex with Ryan and then Zach serves her with divorce papers and she's all conflicted.

The writers, completely oblivious to the fact that this should have been playing out over the course of a year, not months, are now like, "But WHAT ELSE can we do? This OBVIOUSLY isn't enough story for Kendall and Zach. This is getting boring! Oh! I know! DYING BABY! HIGH FIVE!"

Because dying unconscious children are exactly what viewers tune in for!

No matter what head writer the show has, AMC is remarkably consistent in its willingness to go to the "maimed and/or deathly ill child" well. Of all of the places for them to exhibit continuity!

Soap Blog Coalition

General Hospital Scoops, April 1st Edition: Who is Jerry Jacks, really? And who's redecorating those docks? (Wubs.net)

Former Days of Our Lives actress, Patrika Darbo, reflects on her background and successful television and film career in a new in-depth interview. (We Love Soaps)

The Serial Drama girls are pretty sure that General Hospital is one of the worst things ever, to the point that it might even -- given the opportunity -- kick puppies. (Serial Drama)

Have the General Hospital writers got you down? Check out the culmination of a year long Scrubs fanfic series ' Letters To Muffin' for a little pick-me-up. (The Scrubs Hub)

Here are a few spoilers and rumors gathered for you all, despite April Fools Day! (GHOFS)

Will General Hospital be near the end of the pack ratings-wise again this week? (Daytime Confidential)

Super Valley: Romance, action, drama, tragedy, love triangles through to octarangles, sordid and forbidden love affairs. The 'Valley has it all! Amnesia, interrupted weddings, trials and tribulations. Super Valley is your typical soap opera - with your twisted humor added and you are the star! Join us weekly! (AMC Superposter)

Another One Bites the Dust

So, it's official:  As of September, Guiding Light is no more. 

As you probably know, I don't watch Guiding Light.  I have heard through the grapevine that it's been pretty terrible over the last year or so (something about camcorders and  rural New Jersey?), so I imagine there are some mixed emotions among viewers about it getting canceled.  But as an observer, to me it is undoubtedly sad to lose another daytime soap, especially the longest running one.  And sadder still is the fact that it's probably the first in a line of cancellations (As the World Turns, your buffer is gone...). 

But enough with the sad stuff, on to the fun:  Let's pick over the corpse!  Where are all these cast members going to go?  Clearly, Crystal Chappell has to come back to Days.  Normally I wouldn't wish that career move on someone, but it's better than unemployment (probably...), and how great would it be to have Carly back in Salem?  Gina Tognoni is fabulous and needs to land somewhere really good, which means, I don't know, Y&R?  Options involving "good" and "soap" are limited.  Kim Zimmer, well, I think Mallory has some upcoming thoughts on Kim and Reva based on Mal's recent venture into GL viewing.  What are your thoughts?  Are there GL characters or actors you want to land on your show(s)?  Others you want to stay far, far away?  (When you're telling us all about that in the comments, please remember that nobody actually watches Guiding Light, so you should link to photos, or be really super descriptive to help make sure we can all follow along.)

I Need You Guys to Keep Me Apprised of Things Like This

One Life to Live viewers, we need to talk.  Last year, Mallory and I did not completely lose our minds and start indiscriminately swearing or punching passers-by when it seemed like every third comment on our predictably whiny and bitchy GH posts was some variation on "Hey dumbasses, you should watch OLTL instead!"  We heard about how Ron Carlivati hung the moon and slid down a rainbow, how the show was the best thing to happen to soaps since chest waxing, and how OLTL's ratings were clearly the result of viewers shunning goodness and light.  Throughout all that, we mocked you...hardly at all!  And yet now, when I needed you to be there for me in return, you failed me.

You are, in case you were not aware, contractually required as our loyal readers to notify me when something as significant as this occurs: