All My (Dying, Sold or Fathered by the Devil) Children
Risking my health and my sanity, I decided to have an All My Children marathon all in one sitting to get myself caught up with the boatload of episodes I had missed. That was...an unwise move on my part.
There are a surprising amount of AMC things I am enjoying.
- Adam and Erica, as ever. They bring new meaning to the term entertaining. Like, I think they may be my favorite pair on television right now. Even more than Jim and Pam. Yeah, I went there.
- BROT! I find J.R. Martinez to just be astounding.
- Reese peacing the hell out
- The actress who plays Marissa is actually really talented, and I don't just mean that in comparison to some of the other AMC cast members, I mean it genuinely.
- The actor who plays Scott is dreamy. He also might be a giant, because there are times that he looks at least a full foot taller than his scene partners
But, because this is Pratt-era AMC, there is an unsurprising amount of crap. I took notes so I could remember what to discuss in a recap post, because I am a nerd, and by the end of the fifth episode in this marathon, the notes were illegible with irritation and hatred. Mostly hatred of Ryan: I wrote the phrase "I hate Ryan!", exclamation point and all, more than ten times. I also wrote "Who are these people?!" multiple times, but I did not give any details about my confusion. I think, though, that I was referring to the strange creatures passing themselves off as Zach, Kendall and Liza. I'm not saying I'd like a story about pod people or clone invasions or whatever, but...I'd accept it if it meant that Kendall would go back to being Kendall and not this very pretty, very Ryan-clingy being.
(I also wrote many variations of "Ugh!" "Ew" and "...", all of which took place during Zach and Liza's double entendre laden conversations, but I can't discuss them in any more detail because just remembering them icks me out)
Today's episode went back to a familiar AMC trope: bad things happening to babies in the past, present and/or future. I say this all the time, to the point that it is becoming as overdone as these baby in peril stories, but REALLY. THIS is where they decide to take advantage of the new-fangled continuity thing?
Okay, so, when Krystal confessed her deep, dark, baby-selling secret to Tad, did anyone else expect him to say, "...and what's the shocking part of this confession, again?" Because the news that Krystal sold Babe's twin sister was not at all surprising. For Krystal, babies are just a vehicle through which she can earn money.
Marissa: Sold for Profit
Miranda: Babynapped so that Babe and Krystal could continue riding the Chandler gravy train
Jenny: Paternity lied about for months and would have been lied about for forever so that Babe and Krystal could continue riding the Chandler gravy train
The REAL shocking part of this story is that Marissa is downright enjoyable. This is a blow for the Nature camp in the Nature vs. Nurture battle, because being raised away from Krystal's toxicity did wonders for this girl.
Jake and Amanda are seriously adorable together, but I can't get fully invested in them for some reason. I don't know if it is because Chrishell Stause is only sticking around through the summer and I don't want to fully start loving a couple only to have it end abruptly, or because I know that Evil Mustache-Twirling David is lurking around to ruin things with his Evil Mustache-Twirling, or because it is only a matter of time before Pratt pisses all over this cuteness.
Amanda: You're -- you're being all sweet and adorably romantic, and I just -- I feel like a huge blob.
Jake: But I love blobs.
See? Cuuuuuuute. I should just enjoy it while it lasts, right?
Ian's health problems are wearing me out. There's too much sadness, and too much tension, and too much worrying, and too much Ryan. That poor baby must be like, "I'm a freaking infant and I've almost died a dozen times and my mom's douche boyfriend is always hanging around, which can't be good for my health!"
I do not want to compliment this story, because I don't want it to seem as though I am in any way condoning the cheap ploy of perhaps killing off a baby, which is the easiest way to get overly emotional viewers such as myself to weep buckets and ignore the rest of the show through our tears, and because you know that the powers-that-be are the type of people who look and see one compliment in a sea of negativity and then can ignore the negatives and say "See? They like it!" and I'm not trying to say that the powers-that-be read anything I say or, if they do, take it seriously at all, but I am saying that I feel uncomfortable putting good thoughts about this story into the universe, and...I think I stopped making sense about fifty words ago, but anyway, as much as it pains me to say nice things about this story, Susan Lucci, Thorsten Kaye and Alicia Minshew have just been amazing.
Erica: Hi, mom. I didn't know where else to turn. I didn't know who else to turn to. Kendall is in so much pain, and I have no idea how to help her. I know. Probably serves me right. God knows I gave you so much trouble, but no matter how difficult I was, you always hung in there, you always stuck with me, you always gave it to me straight, and you gave me the best advice, and I-- I ignored it most of the time, of course, but you never gave up. And I want to do that for Kendall, but every move I make is wrong. If I get involved, she says I'm meddling. If I step back, she comes running. And Ian is very sick right now. He's about to have a very serious operation, so I know that I -- I can't put any distance between us right now. Oh, how I wish you were here. You on one side and Myrtle on the other, so you could tell me how to comfort Kendall, how to help her through this. To be really honest with you, I could really use some help myself right now. It's very hard having to keep it together when I look at that beautiful little boy's face. I really -- I really want to take her back to ourtradition. I really want to take Kendall, and I want to stand her in front of the mirror and remind her of what she's made of and all the strength that you passed on to all of us. It's just -- I don't feel very strong right now myself. Mom, if you could just give me some guidance.
The fact that this moving speech was made while Susan Lucci wore a shiny, off-the-shoulder dress wholly inappropriate for the hospital elevated it to a new level of artistry.
Kendall: I'll make this quick because I know you have a lot of other stuff going on. My son, he's a very special little boy. We all love him so much, and we would be so grateful if you could help him get through this operation. It's wonderful that you welcome children into heaven, but for now, could you just bring my child back to me, to us? Please let Ian's surgery go well so he can have a long and healthy life.
Sniff. Kendall has seriously had the worst life ever since she came out of her coma. I wish the writers would let her have, like, three consecutive weeks of happiness.
Really, my biggest complaint about today's episode was...why the hell was Ryan at the hospital? Why was he not home with Emma or Spike? Why did he not listen to Erica when she not at all subtly told him to go home and let Zach and Kendall deal with this family crisis alone? Why did he run after Kendall when Kendall tearfully ran out of the waiting room? Was it just to make the audience shriek in horror and rage? Because if so MISSION SUCCESSFUL, BITCHES.