Serial Drama

Funeral For a Friend

I am having an ethical dilemma.

If I write my honest thoughts about All My Children, and the aftermath of Stuart's murder in particular, and how I am actually sort of looking forward to the show these days (which is in stark contrast to previous weeks in which I needed to outfit myself a contraption a la A Clockwork Orange to make it through an episode) because it is engaging and most of the cast is doing some of their best work in ages, does that mean that I am saying that it was a good move to kill off Stuart? Because I do not feel that it was a good move to kill off Stuart! I am, in fact, still aghast about the entire thing and I don't want to implicitly cheer the writers on for their decision, but I have been thoroughly enjoying the Chandler-centric scenes of late. I AM SO CONFLICTED!

I am not, however, conflicted about the awesome of one Mr. David Canary.

[Talking to Stuart's coffin] Nothing is going to be the same, Stuart. I remember when Lottie died, and my whole world came crashing down around me, but you were there for me, and I knew I could count on you any time...but this, this hurts so much. I have never felt this alone in my life. I...I remember, you used to say, 'Adam, Adam, when you're good, you're very good, but when you're bad..."...when I was bad, you always let me know it. I always wanted to be there for you Stuart and I was until I failed, and I failed you over and over, many times. No matter, I've always loved you, Stuart, and God knows (cries) I'm going to miss you.

I feel like there needs to be a new word invented in his honor, some amalgamation of awesome, amazing, fantastic and glorious, because while all of those words describe his performance as of late, they don't quite do it justice. Like, if I were to say, "Wow, David Canary was amazing during Stuart's funeral", you wouldn't be that impressed because he is always awesome. But if I said, "Wow, David Canary was [some new word, accompanied by jazz hands] during Stuart's funeral", you'd know that he was even more brilliant than usual.

The People vs. Tony Geary

I liked life so much better when I operated under the assumption that everything bad about General Hospital was solely the fault of Bob Guza, and that the lack of rioting by the cast was just an example of their professionalism. When a certain daytime icon began being destroyed in a systematic faction and became history-denouncing and unlikable, my first reaction was, "For the love of Xenu, Guza, will you stop at nothing in your quest to be terrible?"

Except it turns out that while Bob Guza ruins most things, he doesn't ruin everything and cannot be fully blamed for the curious case of Luke Spencer, since Luke's portrayer is the story's biggest cheerleader and has taken to the streets (or, more accurately, the soap mags, but the image of Tony Geary roaming the streets proselytizing about Luke's story arc is the only amusing part of this debacle) to chastise viewers who are unhappy with the way Luke has been written.

If you are perplexed by a Luke who cheats on Laura and chooses a mumbly grifter over his own children, prepare to get schooled after the jump!

Soap Blog Coalition

Want to know the latest on General Hospital's Alexis Davis, Holly's return to Port Charles and Michael's waking up? Find out the latest General Hospital spoilers and rumors. (Daytime Confidential)

DANLOE fans long awaited interview with soaps sexiest couple, "DAYS" Nadia Bjorlin and Shawn Christian. What's in store for the steamiest affair on daytime? (Michael Fairman Soaps)

Come with us as we walk through the murder of Stuart Chandler and take our "Who Did It?" poll. (Pine Valley Bulletin)

The Serial Drama Girls watched an episode of General Hospital that they enjoyed unreservedly. The only problem is that they needed to go back to 1996 to find it. (Serial Drama)

There is no other way to say this. The "S" stuff is hitting the fan for the "S" chick known as Stacy Morasco on One Life to Live. (Soap Opera Examiner)

Scrub Fans are excited that Robin is back and has reunited with Patrick on General Hospital! As much as he missed her, Patrick definitely had his hands full during their time apart. (The Scrubs Hub)


Share your fave stories of soap actors/characters that live in your memory! Soaps: In Memoriam. (Wubs.net)

[Insert Witty Description Of Boredom and Annoyance Here]

If General Hospital is good for anything, it is good for giving me ample opportunity to find new and exciting ways to roll my eyes. When and if the the Olympics ever get their act together and introduce eyerolling as a sport, I'd be a shoo-in for the US team and would probably win the gold medal. I don't mean to be conceited or anything, but it's important for a person to know his/her strengths, and one of my strengths is my wide range of eyerolls, from the nearly imperceptible and subtle, to the huge, melodramatic eyeroll favored by Paul Rudd. During my post-medal interview on The Today Show, I'd make a point of thanking GH for being my training regimen, thanks to its full-fledged commitment to being irritating.

POP QUIZ

Three of the following pieces of dialogue were actually spoken on Tuesday's episode; only one of them is imaginary. Can you spot the fake?

a) Sonny: We were idiots...

b) Lulu: (Upon hearing that her father's extramarital affair with Holly was not a love child producing affair, just a run-of-the mill one) I'm sorry!

c) Edward: I've always been very fond of you, Carly. You're tough, and you're resilient, and you're smart, everything I admire in a woman.

d) Jason: I'm just checking in on you. I can stay, I can leave, whatever you want me to do.

   Michael: Get out!

Answer after the jump!

People Now Think You're Wearing a Rug. Is That Not Motivation Enough?!

A situation I briefly mentioned months ago but haven't paid nearly enough attention to has become very serious.  Our trusty tracking software informs me that a reader found our little blog today thanks to this Google query:

does e.j dimera wear a hairpiece?

The answer is:  No.  But if he did, it would be an improvement.

What can we do to convince James Scott to return to his previous follicular glory?  This 'do is threatening to permanently destroy his sexgodliness.  It is already hard for me to dig deep and remember that status, what with EJ being written as a sociopathic d-bag.  There is only so much I can bear.  And as for Mallory -- well, let's not even talk about this around her, OK?  She's taken to walking in circles, muttering things like "why did I say he completes me?" "I guess this was easier than disfiguring plastic surgery" "flat ironing, really?!?" as well as her patented, Nancy Kerrigan-esque "whyyyyyy?!?!?!"

Screencaps courtesy of Sheryl's Days of Our Lives Screen Caps.

Our Column In The 6/2 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

The latest issue of Soap Opera Digest is on newsstands now and features our latest My Take/My Take, Too column. This month, Mallory recalls the pain of two of her favorite couples in all of soapdom being ruined by All My Children and General Hospital because of the writers' ineptitude, while Becca compliments GH and Days (for real!) for their expert character rehabilitation and is grateful that Sam McCall and Sami Brady are watchable again.

Also in this issue: a summer preview, interviews with David Canary and Julia Barr, a retrospective of Stuart Chandler's history in Pine Valley and an amusing look at soap characters born in May, made all the more hilarious that AMC's Amanda and Colby, and Y&R's Adam were born in 1992, 1999, and 1995, respectively. Oh, SORAS, you crazy devil.

Your Burning Questions, Answered

People continue to search the internet for answers to life's biggest questions and, in doing so, bring joy to my life. Pure, unbridled joy. The kind of joy you get only when you find out that someone, somewhere, asked "i need a song that is a sad song for an old mans funeral and it has to do with pigs and childrens". That kind of joy. To pay these people back for this happiness, let's take another look at the search queries that lead people to Serial Drama and try to get them some answers! Except for the old man funeral with a song about pigs and children. I have no idea what that is.

general hospital want something bad to happen to winifred

I fully co-sign this wish. The creation of Winifred was probably one of the worst decisions that General Hospitalhas made recently and when you look at some of the baffling, dreadful decisions they have made, that is saying something. Why would someone think to themselves, "You know what this show needs more of? Mob worshiping. And oh! What if the mob worshiper was an FBI agent who also speaks like Spinelli! How funny would that be? Let's make this happen right away!" and why would their boss say, "You know what, that's a fantastic idea! And let's put her in 42 episodes from January to April!"?

The only way this makes sense is if it were part of some elaborate plot by Claire Coffee to make us see how good we had it when it was just Nadine annoying us all because at least she spoke like a human being. In that case, TOUCHE, CLAIRE COFFEE! TOUCHE!

the hot guy dominic rains youtube

Is this the start of a new trend where we give people descriptive titles to differentiate them from people with the same name? Because I would completely love that trend."That dreamy man Peter Bergman" and "That useless moron Heidi Montag Pratt Just Heidi" may take longer to say, but they get the point across quite nicely. Anyway, try here for all of your Dominic Rains video needs.

young suds make better lovers

I am assuming that this question was supposed to be "young studs make better lovers", which...we are not that kind of blog! But on the off chance that you did actually mean suds as in soap suds...we are still not that kind of blog, but you may be interested to know that bubble baths are thought, by some, to be harmful to your health!

Dramarama On and Offscreen

I have not written about The Young and the Restless in eons, despite the fact that I watch it, and look forward to watching it, every day. I think it is because I love it, plainly and truly. I think I'd actually put it in the esteemed category of my top five favorite current shows (alongside How I Met Your Mother, The Office, 30 Rock and Law & Order, the original; a completely lackluster season has bumped Gossip Girl from the upper echelons of my very exclusive list). I usually consider my soaps to be separate entities from the other shows I watch, but Y&R is so good that it totally crossed over.

Anyway, I am having a hard time describing my love for this show. Like, I take notes when I watch soaps because I want to remember what to mention here and also because I am a nerd, and by the end of an episode of, say, All My Children, my notes are completely illegible with anger, but my notes for Y&R yesterday consist of the following:

• YES!
• So pretty
• !!!
• Mac?
• Ha!
• !

For the past few weeks, my notes are all similar, with excitement and compliments that I did not put in any context, so I reread them all, "Who is pretty? What are the three exclamation points for?", and the occasional befuddlement, usually pertaining to Mackenzie or chipmunks.

Vintage Suds: GH Christmas 1996 in May 2009

Exhausted by another week of the show currently masquerading as General Hospital?  Want to be reminded of how seriously, staggeringly, immeasurably better this show used to be?  Read on.

(I know what you're thinking -- Dude, you're just now getting around to recapping the SOAPNet Christmas marathon?  The answer is yes.  You have my permission to be disappointed in me, or amazed by my slackerdom.  As my penance, I've provided extra screencaps.  Plus this post will be almost entirely free of bitchiness.  Except about Miranda.  And Tom.  And maybe some hairstyling and fashion issues.  There is a limit to how nice I can be, even when trying to curry favor.  Sorry.)

It’s Jax and Brenda’s first Christmas together!  (That “Eeeeeee!” you hear is Mallory, at the mere mention of Jax and Brenda.)  Jax brought Brenda a whole box full of Christmas decorations from Australia, which he bursts into his penthouse with, forcing her to scurry and hide something (presumably his gift).  Brenda hadn’t gotten a tree because she wasn’t sure Jax would be back in time, but of course he would, because he’s dreamy.  So they’re off to get a tree.  Jax jokes that he’s going to cut down one in Edward Quartermaine’s yard.  Ooooh, the Jax/Q family rivalry!  Remember when there were rivalries on this show that didn’t involve hitmen and “coffee importing”?  Sigh.

Query:  Why did I find Ingo (and Jax) so damned hot when he had outfits and a haircut like this?

The draw of an Australian accent is a remarkable thing.  It is truly a wonder how I managed to maintain my Mel Gibson hate for so many years (long before he publicly became an epic ass, I mean).

Well, I Will Give Him This: I AM Watching Out

...I am just watching out for Jamie Luner for all the wrong reasons.

I tried so hard to be open-minded about Jamie Luner's Liza. I did! And then Charles Pratt gave a bunch of interviews about how awesome she is compared to the rest of the cast, who he apparently has no use for, and then the thing with the panties happened, and then she just wasn't onscreen for, like, weeks, and it was during those weeks that I found the recast to be the most plausible.

But I have finally decided to give up this hope and optimism and giving people the benefit of the doubt. This is not Liza! It would actually have been far more believable (and hilarious!) to bring her to Pine Valley as Cindy Lubbock than to try to pass her off as Liza. Way to go, Pratt, yet another opportunity squandered!

Everything that Liza is supposed to be is just not...there with Jamie Luner. I don't buy her as Colby's mother. I don't buy her as Adam's ex-wife. I also don't buy her as a lawyer, which isn't really a Liza complaint, but another WTF? to add to the large pile of WTFs that this show inspires. And why does her face not move? That is a horrible thing to say, I know, but this show confuses me and confusion makes me catty.

Above all, I do not buy her as a peer of Jesse, Angie and Tad. Darnell Williams? Handsome and never ages. Debbi Morgan? Gorgeous and never ages. Michael E. Knight?...is hilarious. All three are fabulous in their own way, but none of them are remotely in the same age bracket as Jamie Luner and they look absurd with her!

ABSURD!

ABSURD!

When she was talking to Amanda about how the last time she saw Amanda, Amanda was yay high and had baby teeth or whatever, it was equally absurd, because this Liza and Amanda are probably closer in age than Liza and her classmates are supposed to be.

ALSO, her plot to "have" Amanda's baby is completely asinine.

ALSO, Jamie Luner and Thorsten Kaye have anti-chemistry.

ALSO, this

Tad: Oh, come on. Don't be unfair. I was timid. I was tame. I was palace eunuch. Different times, different man. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "grab what's most important in life" Thaddeus Martin. I'm -- seriously, give it a shot.

Liza: Don't threaten me with a good time.

made me have flashbacks to Rock of Love, memories of which are better left unremembered. Again, this show leaves a trail of failure behind it.