Serial Drama

In Which My DVR Is An Eloquent Soap Critic

As I mentioned on Facebook, I was completely delighted by my DVR's description of today's All My Children.

Ryan makes things worse for Kendall.

Substitute "the audience" for "Kendall" and you have a very astute commentary on the current state of the show. Even inanimate objects don't like Ryan! Is this a new trend of snarky recording devices? I eagerly look forward to episodes described with "Liza makes an incredibly stupid decision" and "David Canary continues to be too good for this show."

My dislike of Ryan is so strong that during his scenes today with North, who is most likely abusive to his wife and who is going after my favorite character on the show full throttle, Charlie's Angels 2 style, with a singular determination that is sort of obsessive, I found myself taking North's side because Ryan is terrible and makes everybody in a scene with him vastly more enjoyable.

He was practically drooling with excitement over Tad possibly seeing Annie the night of Stuart's murder which, following his pure glee over the shenanigans he and his merry troupe of schemers engaged in to help push a mentally ill woman over the edge, is icky, to say the least. I am sure there is a better way to describe Ryan, or at least a way that doesn't involve schoolyard exclamations of disgust, but that's all I've got.

We Should Petition To Change The Name of Port Charles To Dullsville

Nikolas: Honestly, who writes this stuff?

Oh, Nik. That question weighs heavily on my soul on a daily basis. My theory is cyborgs. It has to be cyborgs, right? That would go a long way in explaining General Hospital's complete lack of logic and emotion.

(Nice shot at horror movie writers, by the way. Sure, movies like Pumpkinhead and Slumber Party Massacreare terrible but I have to tell you, Jason Voorhees came back from the dead, like, eighteen times and none of those resurrections were as awful and insulting as that of Diego Alcazar)

So Mayor Floyd was arrested for the murder of his mistress despite, as far as I can tell, the police never actually, like, investigating the crime and the big story of the day was that...he had a one night stand with Alexis? And people are calling for her to resign? This show has never been particularly good at portraying the media (remember when Sam was basically a bystander during the Metro Court crisis and she got a show and was hilariously famous? The paparazzi followed Jason! I hated those days when I was living them, but now I long for them), but this is silly, even for them.

Especially because, as Alexis pointed out to a hilariously uncomfortable Patrick:

Alexis: It was one night. It wasn't an affair. It was one night. And it was the night that I just happened to walk in on my husband having sex with my daughter and found out that I had cancer, so I was a little out of sorts, and apparently stupid.

Yeah. Remember when Alexis was heartbroken, despondent, hacking up her lung and weeks away from a coma? She totally had time to have sex with the mayor! Which means that all of those times that Ric tried to deflect attention off of himself and his terrible decision to have sex with his stepdaughter by hysterically accusing Alexis of having a fling with the mayor, he was actually right. Yay for character ruining rewrites!

A Never Ending Parade of Stupid

I sat in silence during Friday's episode of All My Children and for a long time after it ended, contemplating how best to describe the massive amount of dumb exhibited by Liza Colby. I was speechless for an embarrasing amount of time trying to come to grips with describing the level of idiocy necessary to fake labor to get out of an admittedly ghoulish fake funeral for a not dead baby and then go continue your fake labor at your ex-boyfriend's house where your daughter hangs out, and then insist that your daughter stay with you during your fake labor and, apparently, just cross your fingers and hope that she doesn't think anything of it when you birth a pillow and have a baby delivered via courier in the form of Tad Martin with a brain injury.

Do I list a number of adjectives for dumb, and remark that even if we were to assign numerical values to each synonym, add them together, and multiply by pi? Do I craft a series of "Yo Momma" jokes about her? Do I hit her below the belt and insinuate that her plans are even more illogical and flat out felony level stupid than those of Claudia Zacchara's? It broke my brain!

Jake: You do? You want her to stay and witness the birth of a pillow, do you?

Liza: She just asked for me to help. Do you know how long I've been waiting for my daughter to reach out to me?

Jake: Do you know how difficult this is going to be to pull off, do you?

Liza: Ok, one of the reasons I'm having this baby is bond with my daughter. Jake, she stays.

Bitch crazy.

General Hospital SHOCKER

In a twist that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, saw coming, Ric Lansing, treated so often by the writers as either a complete afterthought or a convenient scapegoat for terrible things, left Port Charles in a dignified way. He wasn't humiliated yet again by Jason or Sonny. His unconscious body wasn't again traipsed around town. And, most shockingly of all, left town ALIVE.

This is the first time in years that General Hospital has surprised me...aside from the surprise I have on a daily basis about the lengths the show will go to to be terrible, but you know what I mean.

Ric: I'd love nothing more than to take you down, Ms. Miller, but unfortunately, I'm leaving Port Charles.

Patrick: When did that come about?

Ric: Let's just say, I got an offer I couldn't refuse.

Hee! And Rick Hearst got an offer from a soap who recognizes the fact that he's crazy talented and will presumably write for him, not letting him sit on the backburner unless the script calls for mustache twirling villainy or losing an argument against Sonny.

Claudia: Where are you going? 

Ric: Los Angeles. It's interesting work...and it's completely legal.

And he's too right about the, um, interesting aspect of his upcoming work in LA. His character on B&B is named Whipple Jones III! That is endlessly entertaining, far more so than most of GH.

The character of Ric was poorly written and underdeveloped, and completely saved by Rick Hearst, who was far too good for this show. And, as Beth R. pointed out, his goodness was rewarded with the show taking him out of the opening credits before his last episode. All together now: This effing show...

Soap Blog Coalition

Ah the power of a recession! With daytime in an increasingly perilous state, several soap operas seem to finally be willing to pull out all the stops to attract new viewers and/or mainstream buzz by going gay, puritanical watchdog groups and skittish sponsors be damned. (Daytime Confidential)

Lots of Spoilers and Rumors out there this week. Is Ethan working for Helena? Will Jason and Johnny work together again? (GHOFS)

While Amanda longs to have her baby back and doesn't realize he's right under her nose, flashback to 1997 when Maria was in a similar situation. Only it was she who thought her baby was dead while Erica held on to little Maddie, passing her off as Russian adoptee Sonya. (Pine Valley Bulletin)

On the off chance that someone should ask them why they hate Ryan Lavery, the Serial Drama girls have started to compile a list of the myriad reasons for their loathing. (Serial Drama)

On a soapless summer weekend, we are more than often blessed with good weather which typically allows us to take a break and simply forget about the soaps for a couple of days. Find out how to survive the soapless weekends (Soap Opera Examiner)

It's nice to see Robin getting back to basics since returning home to Patrick and Emma last month. (The Scrubs Hub)

Sometimes the Wubs is all about the fun behind the soaps--check out some Nancy Lee Grahn and Brandon Barash tweets, fun tidbits and a little bit of Prime Time Dish. (Wubs.net)

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Scenes from today's episode of All My Childrenmade me smile. And a genuine smile, at that! Normally whilst watching AMC, the only smile I can muster is of the "Let me tightly purse my lips and force a smile while I plot this show's downfall" variety.

And even more shocking, the scenes that made me downright gleeful involved Ryan, as in Ryan Lavery as in The Worst Person To Ever Be. He was only marginally involved with the awesomeness, though, and was mostly mute while Adam, Annie and Erica exchanged hilarious one-liners and cruelly taunted each other.

I don't love the fact that Erica was trying her best to provoke Annie into a full-on psychotic episode, and I don't love the fact that Adam is blindly devoted to Annie, and I don't love the fact that Annie is quite probably playing Adam, but I DO love awkward dinner parties and the way that La Lucci, David Canary and Melissa Claire Egan work with one another, and the way Annie kept eyeing fireplace pokers as possible weapons.

Three cheers for being funny on purpose!

Into the Woods

In Mean Girls, when Coach Carr was teaching sex ed, he told the students not to have sex because they will get chlamydia and/or pregnant, and then die. I feel like sex education in Port Charles should address similar downsides to sexual activity, such as

• you will get pregnant and have a miscarriage
• you will get pregnant and face some sort of mortal peril
• you will have a baby who eventually grows up to be shot or otherwise held at gunpoint
• you will have a baby who you stick in a tree

I don't understand why the General Hospital writers see children merely as new canvases for gunshots and life-threatening danger, when it's patently obvious that soap children are meant to be adorable scenery.

Ugh.

Obviously, Sonny's career and Carly's blind devotion to it are the reason that their children continue to wind up in dangerous scenarios, but since the show believes that their lifestyle is honorable and heroic, the constant danger seems less "karma for Sonny and Carly" than it does "let's exploit the audience's emotions by holding a gun on a kid! Dramatic jackpot!"

And what makes this even better is--wait for it--the person holding the gun on Sonny's kids is...Sonny's kid.

DID YOUR MIND JUST EXPLODE FROM THAT AWESOMENESS?!?!

I am unspoiled, so I don't know if Dominic actually is Dante, but the setup is so cliched and ridiculous that it pretty much has to be the case. Dominic's mention of Bensonhurst sealed the deal: you can't come from Bensonhurst and not have some sort of relationship with Sonny. I'm pretty sure the writers actually think that Bensonhurst is an imaginary place they invented...

(Also, the woods in Port Charles are terrible, perhaps even more so than the dangerous-ass park. Mob shootouts, mobsters' children being held hostage, babies being stuffed in trees. It is validating my dislike for the great outdoors!)

I Suppose This Is Technically Giving The Viewers What They Want

In theory, if I were forced to choose between being bored out of my mind or being a witness to limitless character/show history destruction, I'd choose the boredom, so I guess that today's episode of All My Children counts as a mild kind of wish fulfillment since, for the most part, I barely even got annoyed since I was so busy struggling to stay awake. Uh, nicely done, powers-that-be...

Seriously, the most interesting All My Childrenrelated thing to happen today was discovering that the actor who plays ADA Henry North is named Kieran Campion. Is that not the greatest name ever? And it turns out that he's an established Broadway actor once described  as "the all-American cutie with a smile begging to be cast in a Colgate commercial". So he's got that going for him.

What he doesn't have going for him is good writing or a good scene partner. Denise Vasi is so pretty--one of the prettiest women on soaps right now--but her entire acting repertoire consists of a blank stare and a mild line reading, no matter what the scene calls for. When she is being threatened by a pimp, or flirting with her husband, or getting upset that her husband was injured, she always stares blankly and says something in a pleasant monotone.

It turns out that North and Randi have a history, and that he fell in love and wanted to run away with her, going so far as to make arrangements to meet her at the train station and head for parts unknown, before Randi stood him up. I find this completely unsurprising.

Oh, sure, it is completely random and it contradicts Randi's prior assertions that she never had feelings for anyone before Frankie, but come on, how could any of us expect Pratt to not jump on the late "Hee! Politicians are skeevy!" bandwagon that Bob Guza just jumped on? Except instead of GH's Player Mayor we now have the...uh, Pay-D-A. I could make up puns for politician sex scandals all day long. The Daily News should hire me to write snappy headlines!

True Romance

I have long abandoned any hope of tuning into General Hospital for love in the afternoon, because that's something that this show simply doesn't do (aside from Bob Guza's all-abiding love for Steve Burton). 

And judging by their latest attempt at recapturing the, uh, magic of Nikolas and Emily's love story, I'd prefer that they not even try, because if this is what they consider romantic, I...worry.

Nikolas: Well, you're part of Emily. Emily's part of you. I just can't really separate one from the other anymore, you know? And I -- I remember seeing you in her. I just didn't know what I was looking at. You know, that tough look that she had, that swagger that she had when she got angry [Hee! Emily having swagger. As if!--Ed.]

Rebecca: Yeah.

Nikolas: I thought it was all her. But now I understand you were there all along.

Rebecca: Wow, I never thought of it that way.

Nikolas: Yeah. I want to be with you so bad. For who you are and who Emily was.

Sometimes, you can only widen your eyes in horror and back away from the crazy.

Nikolas: You -- you have never looked more beautiful than you do right now.

"You have never looked more beautiful than you do right now, in a dress that looks exactly like the one my dead fiancee wore. Can I call you Emily? That would make me happier than I have ever been before."

Meanwhile, Sonny and Claudia continue to bring new meaning to the word glurg, having angry sex (at the exact same time that Jason is getting shot at. What up, 1999?) after foreplay consisting of:

...Claudia obsessing over her brother's sex life

...Sonny telling his wife to, and I quote, "shut the hell up"

...this conversation:

Claudia:  Maybe if you were as possessive of me --

Sonny: Why would I be possessive when I don't trust you, and I don't really like you? So why would I be possessive?

I bet that "Smack My Bitch Up" is their song. So sweet!

He Never Fails To Fail

We've all been there. Watching an episode of All My Children, cringing at the factual mistakes, admiring Erica's inappropriate wardrobe, being sad that Marissa's potential awesomeness was squandered so quickly, when all of a sudden Ryan Lavery does something so ludicrous and epically toolish, that you can't even focus on the rest of the episode because you are dumbfounded by how terrible he is at everything. Am I right?

He is the worst. And his status as the worst has prompted me to introduce a new feature: Things Ryan Lavery Fails At. Odds are that you will never need to refer to this list to provide proof as to the many ways that Ryan is terrible, because nobody will ever ask you for details about his terribleness, because it is an opinion that unites even the most wildly different people. And odds are even slimmer that a soap opera fairy godmother will approach you looking for aspects of Ryan's character that can be improved, because obviously the AMC powers-that-be think that he's peachy keen as is. But in case any of those things ever happen, I feel like an annotated list of awfulness would be helpful.