Bad Idea Jeans Are Pine Valley's Trendiest Item
There are so many convoluted schemes being perpetuated on All My Children right now by characters who are truly out of their depth, which, I suppose, is a function of the show being written by people whose writing process consists of "You know what would be freaking awesome? If we had [Character(s)] do [something completely random that goes against their character history and/or common sense]. I don't know how we can make that happen but, oh, well, everything will sort itself out in the long run!".
All Liza wants is to reconnect with Colby. Naturally, her first attempt at reconnecting with her daughter involved writing letters and then never thinking to follow up with her mother, stepfather and friends in town when the letters went unanswered, instead shrugging and saying to herself, "It's okay, one day there will be a thunderstorm in Pine Valley and I'll sneak into the Chandler mansion and happen upon the stack of letters and show them to her then. Much easier than picking up the phone and calling her." I guess it's no surprise, then, that her next attempt included having a baby. Except it's not so much "having a baby" as it is "pretending to be pregnant and then passing off an adopted baby as my own. An adopted baby who is the focal point of another scheme involving my ex-boyfriend and his new wife and lies about dead newborns".
All of that is incredibly stupid, as is her justification for not adopting another baby that doesn't have the Jake/Amanda/David baggage:
Liza: Tad, I've tried to conceive. Donors and insemination, just like I did with Colby. It's not working, and, uh, yeah, I've thought about adoption, but two years of waiting, possibly getting slammed -- I'm sorry. I just don't have the time or the patience to wait.
That's straight up lunacy. "I am too impatient to wait for a legal adoption, so let me stick a pillow under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, because that is obviously what rational people do in this type of situation".
I suppose it is her obvious insanity that prevented her from giving her plan any more thought, like, oh, I don't know, what would she do if the daughter she is so desperate to reconnect with asked to feel her brother or sister kick.
Colby: I got to feel Jenny move all the time. She did backflips. Let's see what this little guy does.
Liza: NO! Don't. Don't!
She is terrible at scheming. How did she not think someone would attempt to feel the baby kick? I've seen pregnant women get accosted by strangers with that request. Think your plans through, idiot!
Later, when she was at the casino, pouring her heart out to Zach with her dress open and her bra exposed because...I don't even know, my heart actually stopped beating for a second because of the sheer terror I felt at this exchange:
Liza: What are you talking about? I just lost my child.
Zach: You'll have another one.
STEP AWAY FROM THE WOMAN WITH BABY RABIES, ZACH SLATER. WE HAVE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE AND IT LED TO HEARTACHE AND VOMITING.
I don't even know what to say about the latest "Your baby is dead. Haha, not really" story. Honestly. I adore Jake and Amanda together, and I have hated David since his return to AMC last fall, but...gosh, watching David, evil as he is, react to hearing that his son died, like two of his other children already have? That was awful (and major ups to Vincent Irrizary for his top notch acting today. He's been too hammy for my liking for the past few months, but he was fantastic today and seemed honestly gutted).
Amanda: When he was first born, I waited for that moment that you hear about, where he cries and they tell you, "10 fingers, 10 toes, he's healthy." But there was nothing but silence. Jake said he didn't make it. I didn't believe him. I didn't want to believe him, so I asked to hold him and touch him and feel him, say goodbye, and I held him, and he was so perfect. He was so perfect, David, like a dream, but I couldn't say goodbye because he was already gone. It was so still. You don't want your only memory of your son to be a little baby in the morgue. He's in heaven, laughing and gurgling and waving his little fists. He's with Babe and Leora. So say a prayer and hold on to that.
Jesus Christ, that is low.
Chrishell Stause has mentioned a few times how worried she is about how the viewers will perceive Amanda's actions, and I didn't know how bad the actions she is talking about were but...wow.
All three of them, and Liza, have been in the wrong multiple times throughout this clusterfuck of a story, and I'd be happy enough if all of a sudden it turns out that Amanda was never pregnant and we had all collectively imagined the story happening as we often do, according to the powers-that-be. Then I could enjoy Jake and Amanda without feeling conflicted at all and we won't have to deal with another dead baby lie. Win/win!
David Canary has inspired me to try to invent new words to describe his greatness, and Melissa Claire Egan is pretty great, so I really enjoy Annie and Adam's scenes together, because they have a great rapport, and I liked seeing Adam go overboard trying to redeem himself by saving the person who saved his life. I had this great vision of a platonic and entertaining union. It serves me right for having high, or even medium level, hopes about this show, because, of course, they went ahead and had Annie kiss Adam today and I was completely put off by it. Why could they not have just been hilariously snarky BFFs? Why could they not move forward with an Adam/Erica romance? Why are they instead moving forward with an ungodly Erica/Ryan...thing (WARNING: Link is not safe for life. Think the video from The Ring, except more ooky). I know that the answer to all of the above is "Because the writers are failures", but I still need to ask in order to express my anguish.
Adam: I want Kendall Slater banned from this hospital.
Joe: That's not going to happen.
Adam: No, if you're not going to do anything about it, maybe I'll do something. You can't just have killers walking the halls.
Annie: Oh, Adam, I am a killer. Kendall's just a suspect.
Adam: No, you were protecting yourself. This is a cold-blooded killer who shot my brother in the back.
Kendall: I did not do it, Adam, ok? And neither did Zach. And I hope to god that the police find Stuart's real killer very soon.
Adam: Oh, I'm looking right at her. And I hope you burn in hell.
For starters: OUCH, Adam! That is way harsh.
And, okay, here's thing: I will pretty much defend Kendall for anything, including her affair with Ryan (PTSD from her coma and the trauma that happened when she was in the coma), and I don't necessarily agree with Adam coming at her like that, buuuuut...he is grieving and heartbroken, and Kendall and Zach both went to the Chandler mansion to kill Adam on the night that Stuart died. It is a little disingenuous to get so irked that people think you are a killer when you actually had planned to become a killer, no? I know she didn't do it, but why should Adam believe that? I really don't like when two of my favorites are against each other.
I so badly want to watch the Hubbard scenes to bask in the glory of Debbi Morgan and Darnell Williams and JR Martinez, but holy fuck is Frankie the most annoying person in Pine Valley right now. With the whining, and the angrily reminiscing, and the whining, and the self pitying and the whining, and the not asking for a drink with a straw that he could easily drink with his bandaged hands. CRAM IT, HUBBARD.
I especially like how he threw a glass across Confusion and not one person in the bar even reacted. ??? I know a lot of disturbing things happen at the bar, but no one even flinched at the sound of broken glass.
You know what I especially don't like? That the Confusion bartender is named Josh. Damn it, I am the last person in the world who still mourns that Aborted Fetus and I will continue to mourn him on principle!!!
David's secret patient being nursed by Gayle: common sense says that it is Greenlee, especially with all of the Greenlee mentions recently. But it could also be Dixie...or any of the Pine Valley residents who fell off of cliffs. Or someone truly random, like Julia. None of those people would have called Ryan, but since when does Pratt need any of his stories to make sense?