He Never Fails To Fail
We've all been there. Watching an episode of All My Children, cringing at the factual mistakes, admiring Erica's inappropriate wardrobe, being sad that Marissa's potential awesomeness was squandered so quickly, when all of a sudden Ryan Lavery does something so ludicrous and epically toolish, that you can't even focus on the rest of the episode because you are dumbfounded by how terrible he is at everything. Am I right?
He is the worst. And his status as the worst has prompted me to introduce a new feature: Things Ryan Lavery Fails At. Odds are that you will never need to refer to this list to provide proof as to the many ways that Ryan is terrible, because nobody will ever ask you for details about his terribleness, because it is an opinion that unites even the most wildly different people. And odds are even slimmer that a soap opera fairy godmother will approach you looking for aspects of Ryan's character that can be improved, because obviously the AMC powers-that-be think that he's peachy keen as is. But in case any of those things ever happen, I feel like an annotated list of awfulness would be helpful.
Obviously, we have years of material with which to work. For simplicity's sake, I'll start with examples from today's episode.
Ryan Lavery fails at...MOURNING
Ryan: Hey, Kendall, can we do this without bringing Greenlee into it? Ok?
Kendall: Why? Why can't we talk about her? She was practically my sister. She was your fiance, and the woman who kept you alive in that bomb shelter. Greenlee meant so much to all of us. It wasn't so long ago that we were all really close.
Ryan: Yeah? Well, then why does it feel like forever?
Maybe it feels like forever because you moved on from your relationship thirty seconds after she died. Remember when you and Kendall had sex after identifying Greenlee's body? Trust me, I understand the urge to repress that, but it has unfortunately been seared into my mind. Where the hell did the "Woe is me! My green butterfly is dead! How dare any of you even speak her name?!" come from? You can't play heartbroken, grieving widower while simultaneously attempting to play possessive mind games with the husband-of-convenience of the latest love of your life.
Ryan Lavery fails at...NORMAL HUMAN BOUNDARIES
A baby is finally being released from the hospital, after nearly dying and surviving multiple surgeries! Yay! Naturally, the thing for the current boyfriend-ish of the baby's mother to do is to insert himself into the happy homecoming situation by waiting at the baby's home, uninvited, spend barely even three seconds pretending to be at all concerned about said baby and then immediately start having a pissing match with your rival.
Ryan: I didn't come here because I still want Kendall, if that's what you're saying, Zach.
Zach: Well, if you choose to want her again, just know that she's been through a lot.
Ryan: You know what? I don't really need you to tell me what she's been through.
Zach: What do you need?
Ryan: I need you to back off.
I really would like to know why Ryan couldn't wait until, oh, maybe Ian had been home for a few hours before he started needling Zach and Kendall. And I'd also like to know why he would go to someone else's house and then tell them to back off. And I'd ALSO like to know why the writers think that he is a compelling hero.
Ryan Lavery fails at...BEING LESS ANNOYING THAN LIZA
Liza, or "Liza", as the case may be, has been a really strange amalgamation of skanky, stupid, insane and irritating since her return to Pine Valley, but in a matter of moments during her scenes with Ryan today, I found myself rooting for her (and hoping for her to haul off and kick him). I may have even said, aloud, "Team Liza!", which is scary because (A) I don't like this Liza at all and (B) declaring oneself "Team _______" has been hugely lame since, like, 2005. That is what Ryan has driven me to! Spouting dated, pro-Liza catchphrases aloud!
I know that many of you have your own examples to add to the list. Share in the comments and we can bask in the warm feeling that hating Ryan Lavery brings...