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« Soap Blog Coalition | Main | True Romance »

June 18, 2009

He Never Fails To Fail

We've all been there. Watching an episode of All My Children, cringing at the factual mistakes, admiring Erica's inappropriate wardrobe, being sad that Marissa's potential awesomeness was squandered so quickly, when all of a sudden Ryan Lavery does something so ludicrous and epically toolish, that you can't even focus on the rest of the episode because you are dumbfounded by how terrible he is at everything. Am I right?

He is the worst. And his status as the worst has prompted me to introduce a new feature: Things Ryan Lavery Fails At. Odds are that you will never need to refer to this list to provide proof as to the many ways that Ryan is terrible, because nobody will ever ask you for details about his terribleness, because it is an opinion that unites even the most wildly different people. And odds are even slimmer that a soap opera fairy godmother will approach you looking for aspects of Ryan's character that can be improved, because obviously the AMC powers-that-be think that he's peachy keen as is. But in case any of those things ever happen, I feel like an annotated list of awfulness would be helpful.

Obviously, we have years of material with which to work. For simplicity's sake, I'll start with examples from today's episode.

Ryan Lavery fails at...MOURNING

Ryan: Hey, Kendall, can we do this without bringing Greenlee into it? Ok?

Kendall: Why? Why can't we talk about her? She was practically my sister. She was your fiance, and the woman who kept you alive in that bomb shelter. Greenlee meant so much to all of us. It wasn't so long ago that we were all really close.

Ryan: Yeah? Well, then why does it feel like forever?

Maybe it feels like forever because you moved on from your relationship thirty seconds after she died. Remember when you and Kendall had sex after identifying Greenlee's body? Trust me, I understand the urge to repress that, but it has unfortunately been seared into my mind. Where the hell did the "Woe is me! My green butterfly is dead! How dare any of you even speak her name?!" come from? You can't play heartbroken, grieving widower while simultaneously attempting to play possessive mind games with the husband-of-convenience of the latest love of your life.

Ryan Lavery fails at...NORMAL HUMAN BOUNDARIES

A baby is finally being released from the hospital, after nearly dying and surviving multiple surgeries! Yay! Naturally, the thing for the current boyfriend-ish of the baby's mother to do is to insert himself into the happy homecoming situation by waiting at the baby's home, uninvited, spend barely even three seconds pretending to be at all concerned about said baby and then immediately start having a pissing match with your rival.

Ryan: I didn't come here because I still want Kendall, if that's what you're saying, Zach.

Zach: Well, if you choose to want her again, just know that she's been through a lot.

Ryan: You know what? I don't really need you to tell me what she's been through.

Zach: What do you need?

Ryan: I need you to back off.

I really would like to know why Ryan couldn't wait until, oh, maybe Ian had been home for a few hours before he started needling Zach and Kendall. And I'd also like to know why he would go to someone else's house and then tell them to back off. And I'd ALSO like to know why the writers think that he is a compelling hero.

Ryan Lavery fails at...BEING LESS ANNOYING THAN LIZA

Liza, or "Liza", as the case may be, has been a really strange amalgamation of skanky, stupid, insane and irritating since her return to Pine Valley, but in a matter of moments during her scenes with Ryan today, I found myself rooting for her (and hoping for her to haul off and kick him). I may have even said, aloud, "Team Liza!", which is scary because (A) I don't like this Liza at all and (B) declaring oneself "Team _______" has been hugely lame since, like, 2005. That is what Ryan has driven me to! Spouting dated, pro-Liza catchphrases aloud!

I know that many of you have your own examples to add to the list. Share in the comments and we can bask in the warm feeling that hating Ryan Lavery brings...

Comments

Ryan Lavery fails at...healthy human relationships.
Ryan Lavery fails at...being an interesting or compelling character in anyway.
Ryan Lavery fails at...defining the word "love" appropriatly in both speech and action.
Ryan Lavery fails at...being involved in "love" stories that don't make me want to throw things at my television (currently the rumored affair that will be taking place between him and Erica; one word EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!)

I do have one thing that Ryan Lavery always succeeds at...making me sick to my stomach everytime he speaks or even breaths.

I haven't watched AMC in awhile. Is it possible they are making Ryan more awful (understatement) so that we'll start liking Liza?

Ryan Lavery is a prime example of what I was talking about yesterday: a hateful, angry human being with an outrageous sense of entitlement. And now Pine Valley is full of them these days.

Now...I know everyone loves Zach and Kendall, but honestly are they really any better? I'm still trying to figure out how I'm supposed to root for people who left their infant child mere seconds after his apparent demise to administer mob justice to the man they deemed 'responsible' (despite all the other complicit individuals who somehow have escaped blame, including the damned doctor who knew the value could fail and LIED TO THEIR FACES about their son's prognosis...but I digress). Now, I know the old 'they were grieving!' arguments, but they were planning this Sonnyesque plot BEFORE Ian flatlined, which in the real world is premeditation. But I guess I'm just supposed to be caught up in the 'romance of the century'...where the faux-gangster bangs strange women he just met and impregnates his sister-in-law behind his comatose wife's back, while said wife jumps into bed with her 'like-a-sister' best friend's fiance mere hours after identifying her body at the morgue. HAWT.

Maybe I'm just bitter.

I think the only thing Ryan hasn't failed at is helping to produce cute little girls. Although I am fully willing to acknowledge Annie as the sole source of Emma's adorable awesomeness.

Oh that & making bug eyes. No one does that better. I just don't find that to be something of which one should be proud.

Ryan Lavery fails at making me want to watch AMC!

One of your best columns EVAH, Mallory! And every word was true.

Ryan fails at...EVERYTHING! Since his touted return in 2003, Ryan Lavery has failed at everything he touches. Which begs the question: what purpose does Ryan Lavery actually serve in Pine Valley?

He.is.horrible. I've watched soaps for 45 yrs & never seen his equal & today he topped it all- so thank you for this list &for someone calling him out on it. He makes me cringe, he makes me puke, he makes me white-hot with anger, he makes me gag, he makes me throw things- how's that for a list?? IMO, he is single-handedly ruining this once great show & no one sees it but the fans, who, by the way, are showing what they think in the ratings. AMC is so clueless- they really think this guy is good. That is the most frustrating thing about AMC. As you stated, there are many things that annoy me, but nothing makes me want to strangle my tv set like Ryan Lavery. Why do I torture myself? I just wish someone in charge who matters would see this column & maybe get a lightbulb moment.

What? There are others out there who do not believe that Ryan is be-all end-all of men? YAY! He has a-l-w-a-y-s grossed me out. I loved Greenlee (no matter who played her). I even named my daughter Greenlee. I was sooo mad when they put the two of them together, after Leo, and after Annie. You hit the nail on the head. They always seem to have Ryan swooping in all self-righteous, and it's good to know thatmy views are shared and I wasn't just imagining it!

Yay, Team Mallory! (Oh. Sorry. It just felt right.) I totally enjoyed all the Ryan snarkage.

SO many Ryan failings, so little time. Mainly, he fails at FATHERHOOD. He rescued his allegedly kidnapped daughter and within hours, he sent her out to a sleepover. He brought Emma home with bandaged, burned hands and immediately sent her upstairs (with cookies balanced precariously on the bandages)to watch a video, another frustrating challenge to a burn patient. Even on CHRISTMAS MORNING, his darling daughter was at Opal's instead of waking up to her own family gathering. The only family gathering that Ryan had was boinking Greenlee on the floor in the living room. Tsk. Tsk.

Ryan also fails at COMMUNICATION. He enunciates, he spit-yells, he emphasizes with finger stabs, he threatens with bulging eyeballs - yet - his words never seem to make it into the earhole. Which is fine, since they're usually stupid, asshatty words.

My all time biggest gripe: Ryan fails at BROTHERing. He left home when Erin was five. He spent the next twenty-odd years roaming the planet, running scams and stealing fortunes, and he ultimately inherited Cambias Industries, a multi-billion dollar enterprise. Yet, when he faked his death, all that he left for his little sister was a clown nose. A red, round, squishy clown nose.

Failure, thy name is Ryan.

Great column, Mallory!

TIIC have completely ruined AMC with their relentless focus on Ryan & the women who lose their minds & backbones when paired w/ the loser. Ryan has failed every single person in his life from Jonathan & Erin to Greenlee to detour Kendall to Emma.

Getting rid of Ryan would go a long way towards fixing what's wrong w/ AMC.

He also fails at being a decent brother. He ran away from abuse (understandable) but never lifted a finger, or even a phone, to help the siblings he left behind. And when his brother was mentally ill, Ryan just enabled and covered for him.

- Ryan fails at being a parent. (He uses his children when it means personal gain for him)
- Ryan fails at being a businessman (What DOES he do for a living?).
- Ryan fails at exhibiting any true depth.
- Ryan fails at being someone that any viewers can relate to.

Kudos Mallory..

Ryan Lavery is simply a failure. The only thing left is to kill this vapid character off and never allowed him to rise from the dead.

Ryan sucks the life out of every single story he's thrown into.

The writers continue to write this loathsome waste in the most disgusting way and expect viewers to love him, as much as they do...

I wish the second most annoying, disgusting, loathsome character, the worst recast in daytime, better known as UnLiza would kill him for us... Then they could send FakeUnLiza to prison, where she awaits her death sentence, which is carried out off-camera..

That way we get a two-for...

Ruin Lavery & UnLiza Colby: Dead,

CM/JL should look elsewhere.

Frons/PRatt need to get over their hard ons, set them free from AMC, and set the fans free from these two disgusting characters...

Ryan Lavery fails at not being a bitch for more thant 30 seconds at a time. He is always cranky!

Ryan Lavery fails at appropriate whispering. Don't need to expalain that one.

Ryan fails at taking responsibility for the bad things that happen to him or his loved ones. It's either his crappy parents or brain tumors or Zach. At one time it Kendall took some hits. It's never him or just LIFE. He definitely doesn't believe in the old saying, "shit happens".

Ryan fails at finding good reasons to hate on people. That kinda goes with Ryan fails at not being a bitch. I guess he hates on everyone because he is a bitch. I still don't understand what his "glitch" with Zach is.

Ryan Freakin' Lavery simply fails at everthing he touches!!

AMC could do us ALL a favor and kill him off. But, unfortunately, he would probably fail at dying!!

Ryan Lavery completly failed at being an ACTION MAN! Instead he came off as whinny and unlikeable. We should start calling him "Me My I". "Greenlee loved ME and Zack killed her! He has to pay." 'Emma is "my" daughter.' Listening to him, you'd think he gave birth to Emma after Immaculate Conception. He's Mr. I know everything, I never caused anything bad to happen and I'm never wrong. I wish Greenlee would excape from where David is holding her hostage and Biatch slap Ryan and Kendall!

I love you all. Seriously, reading your lists of Ryan's failures made me cackle out loud. I am recording all of these for posterity on the master list.

Ryan fails at knowing true love. even if it jumped up and bit him in his ARSE........he changes lovers as quick as he does HIS SOCKS, watch, after erica he will FALL in love with kendall hart AGAIN, run ZACH RUN for the love of gawd take IAN and run...........jmo

The only thing Ryan Lavery DOESN'T fail at, that I wish he WOULD fail at, is breathing. That.is.all. Love you Mallory!

Ryan fails period and so do the writers of AMC and management of ABC. What will it take to get rid of this character? What do they do to compensate? Shove him further down our throats and add to the cast the worst possible actress in the world in the role of FauxLiza. I couldn't believe such stupidity could exist outside of government, but AMC and ABC have proved me wrong!

Ryan Lavery fails on AMC as badly as Sonny Corinthos fails on GH.

And that is alot of freaking fail.

He fails at crying, showing emotion is seemingly a failing of enormous proportion ever since he 'mourned' Gillian w/o being able to squeeze even one tear ..

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