I Suppose This Is Technically Giving The Viewers What They Want
In theory, if I were forced to choose between being bored out of my mind or being a witness to limitless character/show history destruction, I'd choose the boredom, so I guess that today's episode of All My Children counts as a mild kind of wish fulfillment since, for the most part, I barely even got annoyed since I was so busy struggling to stay awake. Uh, nicely done, powers-that-be...
Seriously, the most interesting All My Childrenrelated thing to happen today was discovering that the actor who plays ADA Henry North is named Kieran Campion. Is that not the greatest name ever? And it turns out that he's an established Broadway actor once described as "the all-American cutie with a smile begging to be cast in a Colgate commercial". So he's got that going for him.
What he doesn't have going for him is good writing or a good scene partner. Denise Vasi is so pretty--one of the prettiest women on soaps right now--but her entire acting repertoire consists of a blank stare and a mild line reading, no matter what the scene calls for. When she is being threatened by a pimp, or flirting with her husband, or getting upset that her husband was injured, she always stares blankly and says something in a pleasant monotone.
It turns out that North and Randi have a history, and that he fell in love and wanted to run away with her, going so far as to make arrangements to meet her at the train station and head for parts unknown, before Randi stood him up. I find this completely unsurprising.
Oh, sure, it is completely random and it contradicts Randi's prior assertions that she never had feelings for anyone before Frankie, but come on, how could any of us expect Pratt to not jump on the late "Hee! Politicians are skeevy!" bandwagon that Bob Guza just jumped on? Except instead of GH's Player Mayor we now have the...uh, Pay-D-A. I could make up puns for politician sex scandals all day long. The Daily News should hire me to write snappy headlines!
We even got fake flashbacks of North declaring his love to Randi, who kept flashing back throughout the rest of the episode and looking pensive. Obviously, Jesse and Frankie didn't notice that she has a lot on her mind, because her "pensive" is the same as her "hungry", "happy", "sad", "tired" and "angry".
Randi: (explaining why she didn't run away with him) I would have ruined your life.
North: You did that.
Randi: I didn't. You're successful, you're married. It's all worked out.
North: The hell it has. I'm successful because a career is all I have. I married my wife because her family is rich and connected, not because she makes me laugh. Not because she dances out of bed in the morning. And not because she touches me in a way no other woman ever did.
Randi touched you in a way no other woman ever did because...no, too easy.
Speaking of being too easy...
Little Adam: Tell me a story about Mama.
Little A, if they made a movie about your mother's life, it would be rated NC-17. You cannot hear any stories about her until you are much older.
How ridiculous was JR's heavily sanitized tale about meeting Babe? He didn't even mention the fact that she was already married and then married him and then slept with his brother and then didn't know who Little A's father really was and then stole a baby and then lied about stealing a baby and then ran away with Little A's uncle and told JR that Little A was dead. It was just all, "she was so beautiful", and "the morning was so beautiful that it was like God had painted it himself, but that didn't compare to your mother". Gag me with a spoon!
Little A felt the same and quickly fell asleep, and then Marissa and JR exchanged a meaningful look while an acoustic guitar played, so I guess we are in for a new romance soon. I'll take it if it means that we can finally end the ghoulish mourning over Babe. I mean, it is practically parody at this point.
Shallow moment of the day: Brittany Allen has terrible hair. The thick bangs and the odd angling do nothing for her. I wonder if is to make her seem older? Because she's only 23, so maybe they are trying to age her a little? I have to cling to that possibility, because it is better than the alternative (i.e., that people actually found it flattering).
The writers quite obviously had a "Oh, yeah, Taylor and Brot are things that exist" moment and gave them a few scenes together having a circular discussion about the state of their relationship. To no one's surprise, it was poorly written but saved by Beth Ehlers and JR Martinez. It is so ridiculously blatant how little the show is invested in these two.
It was also ridiculous how long Frankie talked to a CLEARLY MISERABLE Brot before he realized that something was up and halfheartedly asked if everything was okay with Brot. I went from finding Frankie merely dumb to finding him actively irksome.
Colby's prolonged temper tantrum over Adam and Liza doing...something or other that I don't remember because I have a hard time paying attention to scenes where Colby is the focal point led to one great moment between Adam and Liza
Adam: She's emotional, irrational...she gets that from you.
Much like Denise Vasi, Brianne Moncrief is just out of her depth here, especially in scenes with David Canary and even in scenes with Jamie Luner. JL was pretty good during her long monologue to Colby about how she can't force Colby to accept her and how she hopes Colby will share her life with her one day, and literally all Brianne Moncrief did was nod occasionally and swallow. I felt profoundly embarrassed while watching it, it was just so bad.
The Things Ryan Lavery Fails At list is coming along nicely (and nominations are always accepted) and today we already have new additions.
Ryan Lavery fails at...BEING A SUPPORTIVE FATHER
After Emma overheard Ryan telling Liza that Annie is dangerous and terrible and psychotic, she asked her father why she can't see her mother and wondered if Annie still loved her.
Ryan, Father of the Year and general awesome person, responded with silence and had to be bailed out by Erica, who randomly let herself in and assured Emma that Annie does still love her and then explained the situation to the little girl while Ryan stood, slack-jawed. And then he sent his clearly sad and distressed daughter to bed, like any good father would do.
Ryan Lavery fails at...BEING ERICA KANE'S EQUAL
While I am obviously disgusted by the upcoming relationship between Ryan and Erica (obviously!), part of me can't even take it seriously, because of how epically unmatched these two are. Like, when he told her not to go over to the Chandler Mansion and she said okay, then waited three seconds before she scurried over there. It was hilarious. I hope that their relationship is short-lived and includes lots Erica dismissing him as ridiculous. It won't necessarily make up for the grossness, but it will make it somewhat more palatable.
I don't know what to make of Annie right now. I don't know who she is playing, and I don't know how crazy she really is. I do know that I don't like where her relationship with Adam is going, although I DO like how it makes Erica seethe with jealousy
Erica: She's chasing you, Adam, for your power and your money. Please don't be a fool.
Adam: Erica, I never realized how delicious you are...in green.
I LOVE THEM SO MUCH OMG.
And I did quite like Adam preparing dinner (or having Lucretia prepare dinner) and delighting Annie with "meat! With booties!" I think that was an ad-lib, because David Canary looked surprise and gleeful about it. He and Melissa Claire Egan DO work well together, but I'd like to see them do so in a strictly platonic way where Adam doesn't come out looking like a fool. But, as always, I will not hold my breath when it comes to this show...