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« I Suppose This Is Technically Giving The Viewers What They Want | Main | Guess Who's Coming to Dinner »

June 23, 2009

Into the Woods

In Mean Girls, when Coach Carr was teaching sex ed, he told the students not to have sex because they will get chlamydia and/or pregnant, and then die. I feel like sex education in Port Charles should address similar downsides to sexual activity, such as

  • you will get pregnant and have a miscarriage
  • you will get pregnant and face some sort of mortal peril
  • you will have a baby who eventually grows up to be shot or otherwise held at gunpoint
  • you will have a baby who you stick in a tree

I don't understand why the General Hospital writers see children merely as new canvases for gunshots and life-threatening danger, when it's patently obvious that soap children are meant to be adorable scenery.



Obviously, Sonny's career and Carly's blind devotion to it are the reason that their children continue to wind up in dangerous scenarios, but since the show believes that their lifestyle is honorable and heroic, the constant danger seems less "karma for Sonny and Carly" than it does "let's exploit the audience's emotions by holding a gun on a kid! Dramatic jackpot!"

And what makes this even better is--wait for it--the person holding the gun on Sonny's kids is...Sonny's kid.



I am unspoiled, so I don't know if Dominic actually is Dante, but the setup is so cliched and ridiculous that it pretty much has to be the case. Dominic's mention of Bensonhurst sealed the deal: you can't come from Bensonhurst and not have some sort of relationship with Sonny. I'm pretty sure the writers actually think that Bensonhurst is an imaginary place they invented...

(Also, the woods in Port Charles are terrible, perhaps even more so than the dangerous-ass park. Mob shootouts, mobsters' children being held hostage, babies being stuffed in trees. It is validating my dislike for the great outdoors!)

I will say that the actor playing Dominante is quite good, in the limited scenes we've seen him in. I reserve the right to change that opinion as soon as tomorrow if it turns out that he is not good at all.

And I kind of enjoy that he proves, once again, that Claudia is the worst at life, and at ordering hits in particular. She hires Sonny and Olivia's child?! I'd figure that the mafia would be big into background checks. Common sense is obviously something else Claudia is terrible at.

Also on that list: using slang.

Claudia: It makes you crazy that he is banging that ho.

It was so awkward that it calls for a douche chill.

Speaking of Johnny "banging" that "ho" Olivia...they are super cute together, and actually have chemistry. Brandon Barash actually knows what to do with his hands when he kisses her! It's amazing. I have many questions about the relationship, such as why Olivia lied about Dante's father for years to keep him away from mob danger and then embarks on a relationship with a mobster, but I'm just going to ignore my inner critic and enjoy the pretty. Especially since they mostly make out, which prevents Olivia from being annoying. Win/win!


Hypothetical situation: you have this handsome, Emmy-winning actor who is pretty fantastic in general, and, it turns out, extra fantastic with his new scene partner, Martha Byrne, and their scenes together are more entertaining than 90% of the show. Do you...

a) Do whatever you can to keep him on canvas and give him a big story

b) Let him languish on the backburner for years, bump him to recurring and watch him leave for another show.



Rebecca: It feels like I'm living someone else's dream...and not just anyone's. Emily's.

We have that in common, Rebecca. When I watch your scenes, I feel like I am watching someone else's drug-induced hallucination. Only the use of narcotics could make the Rebecca/Nikolas/Emily triangle (yes, it is a love triangle) seem entertaining, right? I don't understand, I don't WANT to understand, and I pretty much want to curl up in the fetal position, sobbing, instead of understanding.


The murder mystery still has potential, but the pacing of it seems completely off, and these writers can't be trusted to do...well, anything well, so I don't have high hopes. And I didn't like Maxie's completely random comment about Robin and Emma, and now I am worried about what we're in for. 

Maxie:  Isn't life so weird? A few months ago, you couldn't get Robin to go near Emma, and now you can't pry her off that baby with a crowbar.

I'll let Patrick's facial expression speak for me:


"Seriously, the PPD storyline from hell just ended, and we're already going back to a story about Robin's inappropriate interaction with her baby? HEAVY SIGH".


Actually Mallory...it's actual a QUAD....Emily/Nik/Rebecca/Ethan. Just saying...HAPPY SOBBING AND HEAD POUNDING EVERYONE!

Clearly the answer is B...with the addition of you cut him out of the opening credits before he actually LEAVES THE EFFING SHOW because you are one cold motha effer.

i'm just counting down to the inevitable second when Spinelli somehow blunders into the solution to the whole thing and he solves the mystery and we hear all about his genius....

You know the good thing about Guza forgetting Cameron exists 90% of the time? he gets to spend most of his time being adorable awesome scenery!

And just like that, I'm back on that "Carly is the worst mom ever" train. If that was me and Michael was my kid, I would have smacked him upside his damaged head. She didn't even chew either one of them out for doing something stupid that put them in that situation in the first place but I am willing to cut Morgan some slack just a little. She'll let them get away with murder...no really, she probably would.

And as for that whole Nik/Rebemily mess...yeah, I had to avert my eyes at that. I don't know what it is more of: stupid or creepy.

I want to like the new guy...but I've learned never to get my hopes up. Kind of hot though...but then again Canada has quite a few of those.

I really do hope that guy Dominic is Dante and that he is the one who will eventually bring Sonny down, that would be great poetic justice. and who knows maybe he can take out Jason at the same time. But wait never mind I forgot for a minute that this is a mob infested shit whole of a show. As for Ric I really love him and think he is a fantastic actor who's talents are wasted on this mob shit whole show, but that being said I will miss him and what's truly sad is that he seems to have great chemistry with the mayors wife(I HATE GUZA) and normally I like Maxie, specially when she is not around the annoying one who doesn't speak english and when she is not praising Jason/Mob life but it really pissed me off that once again those "writers" would write for her to say something stupid like she did about how Robin seems to be spending way to much time with Emma now. all I kept thinking was WTF? I mean seriously Robin has been through hell and back with that PPD crap and all she wants to do is make up for lost time and spend some great much needed quality time with her daughter and those asholes fine a way to make that a bad thing?? WTF? anyways, I personally love that Robin is spending time with Emma, and I don't think she is over doing anything, she is doing a good job IMO balancing being a mother, wife, and Doctor. I really loved how she was the one who figured out that Briana was murdered. I am loving my Scrubs being back to who they are, I just wish that they had some really hot scenes like those other couples do. specially sense out of all the other couples on that show right now they are the only ones who A: deserve it and have earned it and B: WHO ARE ACTUALLY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER! but like I said that's JMO. and on another note that whole REmily/Nick thing is SICK, CREEPY, ULGY......I could go on and on.

The whole mob thing is supposed to be so family oriented. Now the new generation of the PC mob is two separate factions of Sonny's kids! Michael and Morgan vs. Dante. Throw in some Zacharas too. It's absurd. But also a possible way to wipe out a good portion of Sonny's family, which I wouldn't mind. Maybe the build up to cancellation in Guza's mind ends up as a bloodbath/shootout between Sonny's whole enormous brood.

I used to want sexy scenes for Scrubs that actually included some sex. After seeing what Guza thinks is sex/sexy I no longer want that to happen. The recent GH sex is loathsome. And it is shot terribly and edited like cheap porny music videos. That damn vile song "would ya like it?, the horrible couples, and the more horrible reasons they all have creepy or angry sex.... I DO NOT WANT THAT CRAP FOR SCRUBS.

And that Maxie comment, so pathetic. TIIC are so determined to prove Robin can't do anything right at all, even with Emma. Carly is wonder woman while Robin is a PPD OCD smothering Mom who can't do her job well or be a good wife or even buy a top without ruffles!!!! Why do they hate her so much?

And if Claudia calls anyone a whore even one more time I am going to send SB a fruit basket on set addressed to the WHORE THAT ATE PC BOTH AS CARLY AND CLAUDIA.... SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU MISOGYNISTIC BITCH!!!!! I don't care what is in the script anymore, I am so sick of that crap, and as a woman LEAD on the show who Guza loves she has some power over that kind of thing. Ughh.

Sorry for flipping out there. This show chocked full of violence and misogyny is rubbing off on me. Ick.

Oh my frickin' God...okay, I know everyone is basically saying the same thing over and over and TPTB are NOT listening, but if I can't vent HERE, on Serial Drama, where the Guza-hate feels like a cool breeze on my GH-bad-writing-fevered-brow, where else can I vent, I ask you!

I swear, if I have to see Nikolas and Remily on screen another minute, I will cut holes in my Prada bag. That's how bad it is. I own ONE designer purse, and if I am driven to destroy it, how bad do you think it is?

I'm not kidding, I fast forwarded through EVERY SECOND yesterday of "Nikolas and Emily 2.0". Because that's what the hell it is! The dress, the krap waltzing, clearly-fake giggling and the horrid, horrid, HORRID acting by Natalia Livingston. Ugh! I guess the dancing is a plus since Natalia will eventually end up on Dancing with the Stars. Poor Tyler Christopher looks completely bored. I envision a LOT of liquid courage to get through those scenes.

For someone who just couldn't get over Emily, he has sure confessed his undying live for her clone in a big damn hurry! I guess it really wasn't about Emily's personality, caring, devotion to him, etc. It was just her face and smokin' bod. And the SHOE LEFT BEHIND? REALLY? Sadly, I could discern that event from the fast forwarding because it wasn't fast enough...

Johnny and Olivia were, honestly, the only thing worth watching yesterday. Johnny bitchslapped Claudia, which was refreshing. By the way, that beyotch has got to be at LEAST three months pregnant by now, right? So how is it that she still has a size -2 waist and able to wear those tight, tight leather jackets? That poor baby is going to be brain damaged from suffocation! I'm sorry, I was already popping out of my jeans by 2 1/2 months. CLEARLY no one writing for this show has actually ever been pregnant or known anyone who was. I guess one day she'll just show up with a huge basketball under her leather jacket. Jesus...

Laura Wright's top was really nice yesterday. And her hair was cute. That's my biggest plus. How frickin' sad is that?

Somehow I missed the official word that Rick Hearst was leaving (although it was inevitable once he was bumped). I started watching GH later than most people around these parts, during early Ric-as-bad-guy years and he's a HUGE reason that I kept watching. Yeah, okay, the Sonny-driven-motivations got old, but I didn't know enough yet to hate Sonny and here was this really handsome, talented actor playing a complex character and I wanted to see more. And then I so so loved him with Alexis that I endured a lot to keep watching.

This show is the worse for Rick Hearst's departure -- as hard as it is to believe that this show can get any worse. I wish him a successful career where his talents are appreciated.

I mentioned that horrible "would you like it" song on another post, but it just bears repeating.... how creepy and awful it really is. :[

Whatever happened to love songs for the decent couples? I might be wrong but I thought I heard them play that freaking song for Robin and Patrick a week or so ago.

How can you lead off with "it's patently obvious that soap children are meant to be adorable scenery" and not include a screen cap of the always adorable Emma Scorpio-Drake? You've got to give us something to work with here!


You know what I realized while watching Y&R the other day? As I was sitting there watching the Phillip / Cane story unfold, as I was watching the Adam story ramp up, as I was wondering exactly where they were going with Mary Jane Benson - I realized that GH doesn't do stories. They do ideas and situations and scenes but they don't really do stories. Beginnings and middles and ends aren't GH's fortes the last few years. You may get a beginning (out of nowhere - oh Liz was having nothing to do with Lucky last month, well this month they've reconciled), you may get a middle, you may get an ending but rarely do you get all three. Stories just appear out of nowhere, get to the guts in a month, and eventually fade into something else, characters meander from one idea to the next. When did this happen?

I like the guy who is playing Dante. I wish they bring Lucas, Carly's brother back to PC and hook up with Dante. That would be hot and the look on Sonny and them face would be priceless. Frons, bring back Lucas Jones.

Shining point: Johnny and Olivia!!! I love this pairing...but I am afrain what this f'n show will do to them....

I live in Bensonhurst, and it used to be kind of neat when someone brought it up on GH. But now I am seriously embarrassed every time it gets a mention! And no, I swear, I am not related to nor have I ever slept with Sonny Corinthos!

DOMINIC ZAMPROGNA! I remember him from Edgemont! I used to really like him on that show. Hopefully the writers don't fuck it up (Ha!) if he does tun out to be Dante.

I don't say it enough, but I really love this blog! Even when I don't totally agree, you ladies make me laugh, but since I agree with you ladies about 90% of the time, I get to laugh and nod my head in total agreement. This post was nothing short of perfection. Double check for all of the above!

Um, since when is Michael the boss of Carly? "Mom, don't be stupid and call the BODY GUARDS, just come out to the woods yourself. We don't want to bother Dad with any responsibilities while he's busy having angry foreplay with Whatserface."

So far, I heart Dante/Dominic, if only bc he threw down Michael and doesn't seem overly impressed with Sonny. What I do NOT heart is that they'll use his mafia involvement to prove that EVERYONE is NATURALLY drawn to the mob and nothing is ever Sonny's fault and no one should ever try to protect their children from him because they'll end up right in his orbit, anyway.

AND P.S., is Maxie on the canvas so little these days bc they're punishing her for DARING to HESITATE renewing her contract?

Mike, I think you called it re: lack of stories.

I hate this show.

Best wishes to Jane from her above post. I am so glad you never slept with or are related to Sonny. But according to GH lore you must at least be the third thing all Bensonhurstians are... a mobster! Insert major eye roll here :-)

Seriously though, it must be painful to see your neighborhood maligned and stereotyped so awfully by TIIC of GH. Guza brings shame to everything he touches.

That guy looks like he could be Claudia's brother, not her son. I know she got knocked up as a teen, but geez. Guess Bensonhurst really IS rough.

And by "Claudia," I mean "Olivia."

Mallory, you are totally correct in this assessment of the USE OF CHILDREN ON TFGH. I personally hate when female characters get pregnant on this show because it as it turns out isn't bout them and their child and the potential love for it.. it turns out to be a 100 percent of the time about how it will or not effect the men in their lives(see Liz and Jason's spawn) ALL PLOT POINT. Also what Mike said above. Mike if you want this started about 10 years ago as to it being no STORIES TOLD on TFGH anymore. All of it now is purely PLOT-POINT. And everyone apparently seems to like it that way at 4151 PROSPECT AVENUE.

Please don't let Dominic be Dante. That guy looks like he's about 30 years old. The way they've played it up until now, Dante is supposed to be about 18. When Olivia first came on the show they mentioned that it was 25 years that she, Kate and Sonny were all teenagers in Bensonhurst. Then I guess someone did the math and realized that would make all of them in their early 40's (horrors!) and then suddenly it was only 20 years ago. The way Olivia fussed over Dante I got the impression he was a teenager, not some burly hit man. I hate the way the show plays so fast and loose with years and ages. It ends up so preposterous no one can believe it and I've seen actors on other soaps trying to play parents to grown men and women who are only about 10 years younger than themselves! I'm waiting for Spencer to show up in a car driving himself back from Grandma Leslie's.

I liked Olivia. I liked the fact she had a child with Sonny and kept him away. Awesome. She preached the evils of the mob over and over again to "Connie."

But then for some bizarre reason, she stayed in Port Charles.

Then re-ignites her friendship with Sonny. Then hooks up with another mobster. (He is pretty hot so I will give her a pass on that one) Now, all those anvils dropping on my head -The Bensonhurst remark; Olivia's remark to Dante last week about how he made good choices - make it appear that Dominick is Dante. All that Olivia has done to protect her son was a total waste. As is this storyline.

I'm w/ Janet. The SORAS machine is totally out of control. It went spinning off the rails right before Lila passed away. When Edward was recast (temporarily due to outrage from viewers) with an actor younger than Stuart Damon. How does one father a child before he himself was even born????? The only man capable of such spermtastic miracles is of course PC's own Sperminator Sonny.

Then today when Michael whined about knowing the coffee business was a cover for the mob when he was "like ten years old" I laughed out loud and yelled at my TV. Me-"You mean last year!" Now he's 17 and Kristina is 16 and Lulu is around 23 when in reality she should be about 13!!! And she is bedding the same men as Olivia.... it just creeps me out. Especially since Olivia is now old enough to have a thirty something Son :-) Which historically makes sense since she went to HS w/ Sonny and he is about 50. Of course there is no "50" on soaps, at least for leads on GH anymore.

Soap Ages: Baby- for sticking in trees and kidnapping purposes. Naughty teen to annoy and titalate (ewww). The vixen/hero/bad boy/mobster for murder and angry sex. (again ewww) Then senior citizen for occasional background scenes and shout outs over the hospital's PA system.

Paging Dr. Monica Quartermaine.......

Janet - you are right! The guy playing Dominic *is* 30 years old. Lisa LoCicero (Olivia) is only like 8 or 9 years older than that. Sheeesh. I hope he doesn't turn out to be Dante because she is already called an old "cougar" 837 times an episode and now she might be the mother of a 30 year old child? Sheesh!

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