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« The Young and the Recappy | Main | Not Gonna Lie: I Totally Cried »

June 08, 2009

It's Just The Same Old Song...Except Even More Off Key

Today, I started to wonder if, perhaps, I am too critical about General Hospital's tendency to repeat itself, especially when it has become clear to me that I am quite nearly as guilty as GH in doing the same thing over and over (and over). It became obvious to me today when I went to Starbucks and the barista said, "Hey there! Venti iced vanilla latte, coming up!" before I had even opened my mouth to order because I've gotten it everyday for an embarrassingly long span of time. And there was that time that I listened to "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys for an entire weekend, much to the annoyance of everyone within earshot. And I often watch favorite TV show episodes so often that I know them from start to finish and, if asked, could probably do a dramatic one-woman reenactment of Slap Bet. And there's also the fact that, you know, I repeatedly complain about GH's repetition, which makes me a repetitive hypocrite.

But after watching today's episode, I've decided to let my hypocrite flag fly high, because this kind of creative bankruptcy can't go unmentioned.

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First, a pressing issue that many have commented and emailed about: Laura Wright's new hair (can I just say that I love the fact that people associate me with General Hospital hairstyles? Because I do). The people I've heard from seem to be evenly split about whether it's a good look.

 What say you?

Lw

Lwhaircut

I am probably not a fair judge, as a recent recipient of a haircut a good four inches shorter than I had asked for, because I keep looking longingly at long hair, which must really creepy, and part of me is like, "But you had such amazing long hair! Why would you cut it?!". But LW has such glorious hair at any length, and the short cut looks healthy and adorable.

SPOILER: Negativity follows! Laura Wright's hair is the show's sole highlight. 

Remember when Natalia Livingston left, and the writers decided to kill off Emily, and everybody was a little put off by the fact that an important legacy character was being brutally murdered, and Bob Guza went from soap mag to soap mag all, "Don't worry, we have an awesome story planned for if/when Natalia Livingston comes back" as if we were mourning the loss of the actress and not her beloved character? And how he assured us that it was a brilliant, amazing story we'd all look forward to?

I don't think Guza remembers any of that, because the whole "Rebecca is Emily's TWIN! Who was SOLD! And is now BAD!" story reeks of last minute desperation. It's like he was flipping the channels and landed on All My Children and saw this exact scenario playing out with Babe's heretofore unknown twin sister Marissa being sold at birth. "I can do that! But let's raise the stakes a little. Since Emily was so good..what would happen if her twin was BAD? Awesome!"

Of course, Rebecca is bad only in that she talks with a husky voice occasionally, snaps her gum, cakes on eyeliner and sneers like Billy Idol. How sassy and entertaining! I'm so glad we lost Emily for this!

And then it turns out that on top of those failings, she's kind of dim, as she immediately let the random mumbly con artist she just met in on her plan, as we learned in a series of "jaw-dropping" and "charming" flashbacks.

Rebeth

Rebecca: Blue gin fizz, please.

Ethan: A drink to match your eyes.

Rebecca: Oh, smooth line. Except my eyes are brown.

Ethan: So they are. You know, I would have pegged you for more of a gibson girl myself.

Rebecca: Ah. Wrong again. You're really batting a thousand.

Ethan: You know, believe it or not, my instincts are actually usually spot-on.

Rebecca: Oh. Maybe i'm just not as easy as most of the women you meet.

I will say that there is a secret silver lining to this friendship: we can quickly fast forward their scenes without worrying that we're missing anything aside from unintelligible monologues from Nathan Parsons and a disturbing amount of closeups on Natalia Livingston's cleavage. So there's that, at least.

Alexis:You are deliberately trying to miss the point. Hank and Paige Bowen were very young when they gave birth to their twins. They couldn't afford to keep both children, so they kept Emily, and they gave Rebecca up for adoption. Let me make that clear. They sold her. Which would explain why Paige didn't tell anyone, even Emily, that this other little girl even existed.

Poor Paige Bowen. Part of such a great storyline in the 90s and then all of a sudden turned into a Krystal Careyesque baby-seller.

And HOW FREAKING DUMB is Nikolas? I don't care what kind of deep, spiritual connection you have with the woman who looks exactly like the dead love of your life, and if you love her for all of the great qualities she has that have yet to appear onscreen. You should have some reaction to the fact that she's Emily's twin besides "(Shrug) That doesn't change anything. It's not at all weird that she wound up in Port Charles. Nope. Not at all. Please stop judging her". Any and all bad things that happen to him now because of Rebecca are mostly his fault.

And what was with them trying to build suspense about Nikolas finding Rebecca and Ethan together? Uh, he's shown himself to be relentlessly dim these days, so they could just say, "What are we doing together? Nothing at all! Certainly nothing suspicious!" and he'd say "Okey-dokey" and leave.

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I have to admit that Drew Garrett (Michael) and Lexi Ainsworth (Kristina) are both very talented.

That being said, enough with the angry Michael and overly sexual, scheming Kristina. WE GET IT. They are angry and scheming, respectively. We do not need to see them being that way in every scene and explaining to other characters that they are that way. I really resent having my intelligence insulted by the GH writers, of all people.

At least Michael decided to spread his hatred around a little. While he was still insanely angry towards Carly, he did snap at Jason.

Michael: I thought you were someone I could trust. But you're just like the rest of them.

And Kristina got in some digs about St. Jason herself:

Kristina: I hate how Jason acts. Like he's in charge, and nothing the rest of us say matters.

Kristina: Look, I honestly thought I was helping michael. Maybe I was wrong. The point is, Jason was mean and rude. He also happens to kill people for a living, which is pretty unsettling.

Which was unfortunately negated by the over-the-top way she came on to Jason while in her underwear.

Kristinajason

That, Kristina, is the very definition of pretty unsettling!

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I think Becca described the Claudia/Carly fall down the stairs story the best:

Your originality is groundbreakingFor real.  (And hey, "funny" twist that the two women are 1) the character to whom this exact thing has already happened, and 2) the actress who was playing the character at the time.  Tee hee!  Wink wink nudge!  You have truly earned that Emmy nod.)

HEAVY SIGH.

Flying

Who doesn't love pregnant women in distress and the threat of miscarriages, right? Let's sit back and watch the ratings go through the roof!

This show is an asshole.

Comments

"I will say that there is a secret silver lining to this friendship: we can quickly fast forward their scenes without worrying that we're missing anything aside from unintelligible monologues from Nathan Parsons and a disturbing amount of closeups on Natalia Livingston's cleavage. So there's that, at least."

You, like myself, try to make the best out of a bad situation. I said the same thing out loud to my tv last night.

I do have a bone to pick with you, though. Here I am all happy that while you expressing your views on Kristina, I was silently thanking you for not showing a screencap of a child in her underwear trying to come on to Jason. Then I scrolled down a quarter of an inch and there it was. Shame on you, Mallory! I thought I got away from that, but you know what? You mentioned Laura Wright's hair and this is okay with me. All is forgiven. Just drop a warning next time.

Speaking of Kristina, would it kill for her to have the same awesome qualities as her mother??? Having her turn out to be this wild child who blames Alexis for her father's suckiness just screams from the writers that nothing good will come of Sonny not being in a child's life. Here's hoping Molly is tapped with the awesomeness.

I can deal with Guza writing garbage and destroying the show as it is now, but going back and destroying the work of others is just wrong.

Love love Laura Wrights shorter hair for the summer. I think it's perfect.

As much as I don't hate nuKristina I still want little Kali Rodriguez back.

Just read that Lynn Herring, who used to play Lucy Coe on GH, is headed to As The World Turns. She said that GH never called her about returning as Lucy.

It hit me that GH COULD have Ms. Herring, Tristan Rogers, and Genie Francis back if they wanted, but they choose not to. That just blows my mind.

Carley's haircut is great. All women in their 40ies need a haircut. And isn't Ethan on GH the ugliest young man in Soaps? Who does he know to have scored that job?

The "aging "of Michael was bad enough but the "aging" of Kristina really dumb. Last month she was in Kdg.

Not to put anyone down, but because I'm a trivia buff: "The Gibson Girl" was very popular around the turn of the century. They were sketches of very curvy, glamorous ladies. As for the cocktail, a Gibson is a martini served with a cocktail onion. I think the writers were having some fun.

As for NP, I happen to think he's very hot! I like long, lean, and rather sinister.

It is so sad to watch GH fall deeper and deeper into the stupid s/l they have created to think these people get paid big time for re-creating s/l year after years,the only original s/l was Sonny & Kate and they destroyed that and GH. SJB is so bad (can't act just crys , LLC shove down our throats the wedding guest that never leaves, Rebb aka Emily BORING and more BORING with the inept Mr Christoper this guy can't act, Give the viewers what the want, Sonny & Kate, Jason & Elizabeth, Alxeis and Raynor(interestin) Max & Dianne (FUN) do they give us this NOOOOOO, they give us Old Boring Luke and New Boring Ethan, also I thought Sam & Lucky were HOT give it a chance,just a few thoughts from a GH fan that hate's to think GH will turn into another talk or game show.

*donning flame proof suit*

Sorry. LW's new do screams "Soccor Mom". A large percentage of women I know are sporting this hair do. I think it began with Jenifer Aniston in the 90's and it just never died. I never liked that shag hair do then, and I still don't like it now. Unfortunately I think it aged LW a few years.

I thought the pretty long wavy hair was nice on her.

Actually, I would pay to see a dramatic reenactment of Slap Bet, complete with a rousing rendition of "Let's Go To The Mall." But I suppose that's beside the point.

I totally agree about Michael and Kristina. Granted, Michael has had problems for years now, and yes, he needs help (better help than is available in Port Charles). Kristina, on the other hand...I would ask who saw this coming, but anyone who knows enough about the workings of Guza's brain probably predicted this one long ago. Bitchy Kristina got old about a minute in.

Back to Michael for a sec: I don't know if anyone brought it up yet, but does anyone else find it alarming that new Michael looks so much like Hayden Christensen? Did they have that in mind when they cast him, the whole Anakin Skywalker thing? Because that's how they seem to be writing him.

When are you going to update the material herein?

When are you going to up date this column? It is a month old now.

Hi, Lucy--the blog has been updated quite a few times since this entry. See the main page here for the most recent entries.

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