Serial Drama

Let's Pool Our Resources And Hire This Show a Fact Checker

I know that I am expecting far too much by expecting the depictions of police investigation and criminal trials in Pine Valley to be factually correct, because the powers-that-be have made it perfectly clear that they are not even slightly concerned about creating quality entertainment, so it's highly unlikely that they would expend any effort on making sure their poorly planned and incoherently written plots are accurate.

However, I don't think my standards are unreasonably high here. All I want is a police investigation that is even VAGUELY accurate, if only so that I can make it through an entire scene of the show without guffawing at the stupidity (I wouldn't mind the guffawing, except that I do it so often that it spills over into other scenes. I quite nearly missed Jake and Amanda's adorability yesterday because of it!). I mean, for starters, you can get a pretty good overview of the American legal system just by watching Law & Order, which happens to be on at least one channel at all times of the day. Failing that, Google exists and has an interface so user friendly that even these writers could navigate it; after all, Google taught them the steps to crafting the murder mystery that has led us to this sorry excuse for an investigation

You have Jesse walking around the Chandler grounds that he claims have been secured, which seems highly unlikely since everyone in Pine Valley continues to traipse in and out despite the fact that at a man was murdered there a few weeks ago (BTW, does anybody else want to have a stern discussion with Adam about the concept of security?), without anything covering his feet, or Jackson's feet, or Scott and JR's feet. And then it turns out that the latest smoking gun piece of evidence is a man's shoe print, which leads to Jesse walking around Pine Valley asking men for their shoe size, and then apparently blindly taking them at their word before he continues to trek around town looking for the next person to rule out. Nice detective work, Jesse!

Then there is Liza, who decides to be Zach's lawyer, and now David's lawyer, when she is a suspect herself. This is especially problematic because 1.) why is she so eager to defend someone accused of murdering the beloved Stuart Chandler, who happened to be married to her mother? 2.) why is she so desperate to have Amanda's baby? I mean, that's why she's defending David, right, to keep him from going to jail so that he'll always be a threat to Amanda (which is completely shitty, because she's always so nice to Amanda to her face and then goes off and is plotting behind her back with no rhyme or reason or sanity)? But why couldn't she just go to a sperm bank? 3.) why are they trying to pretend that this character is Liza Colby and when will they realize that the jig is up?

And then there is a police officer assigned to guard Annie, the mentally ill, unstable, violent, would-be kidnapper flight risk who...falls asleep outside of her room. A sleep so deep that he doesn't even stir when she screams for help for a solid two or three minutes. Fantastic.

I don't know who is dumber: the writers, for peddling this, or me, for continuing to watch. Eh, who am I kidding, the writers never lose a dumbness contest.

Not Gonna Lie: I Totally Cried

I know it is an insanely overused plot device, that I should write a 14,000 word rant against any soap ever doing another baby-switch or baby-death storyline EVER again (And I still might!  Get me a couple of vodka lemonades and another few horrible episodes of GH and I will be off and running.), that the pacing of this story especially Rafe's pseudo-adoption of Grace was bizarre, that the close-up on the actress baby after Grace passed away was icky,

that it appears from ABC promos that Days is totally ripping this story off from OLTL (which -- purely by coincidence! -- Days' head writer used to be the head writer for), and that the fallout from Grace's death is not going to be nearly as soapy and interesting as it should be....but dear readers, I do not have a void where my heart should be.  I teared up when baby Grace died today!  Especially when Sami and Rafe lost it.

Tears weren't streaming down my face or anything, and I think that some of my over-emotionalism was probably due to residual distress over my neighborhood convenience store's fountain soda machine being out of Coke Zero syrup this afternoon (will nobody think of the under-caffeinated children?!), but nonetheless, I welled up.  Am I alone?  Because for real, I liked this episode so much that I didn't even hate Daniel.  What is wrong with me?

poll by twiigs.com

Elvis, much like your daughter, I must inquire,

Are you serious?

Also, on a side note:  These kids are going to end up in med school with Max.

Non-crappy screencaps courtesy of Sheryl's Days of Our Lives Screen Caps.

It's Just The Same Old Song...Except Even More Off Key

Today, I started to wonder if, perhaps, I am too critical about General Hospital's tendency to repeat itself, especially when it has become clear to me that I am quite nearly as guilty as GH in doing the same thing over and over (and over). It became obvious to me today when I went to Starbucks and the barista said, "Hey there! Venti iced vanilla latte, coming up!" before I had even opened my mouth to order because I've gotten it everyday for an embarrassingly long span of time. And there was that time that I listened to "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys for an entire weekend, much to the annoyance of everyone within earshot. And I often watch favorite TV show episodes so often that I know them from start to finish and, if asked, could probably do a dramatic one-woman reenactment of Slap Bet. And there's also the fact that, you know, I repeatedly complain about GH's repetition, which makes me a repetitive hypocrite.

But after watching today's episode, I've decided to let my hypocrite flag fly high, because this kind of creative bankruptcy can't go unmentioned.

First, a pressing issue that many have commented and emailed about: Laura Wright's new hair (can I just say that I love the fact that people associate me with General Hospital hairstyles? Because I do). The people I've heard from seem to be evenly split about whether it's a good look.

 What say you?

poll by twiigs.com

I am probably not a fair judge, as a recent recipient of a haircut a good four inches shorter than I had asked for, because I keep looking longingly at long hair, which must really creepy, and part of me is like, "But you had such amazing long hair! Why would you cut it?!". But LW has such glorious hair at any length, and the short cut looks healthy and adorable.

SPOILER: Negativity follows! Laura Wright's hair is the show's sole highlight. 

The Young and the Recappy

While addressing Liz Lemon's high school graduating class, pretending that he was their classmate Larry Braverman, 30 Rock's Jack Donaghy admitted that he, too, feels life's disappointments and copes "with sex, and awesomeness". This is quite the versatile phrase, as it can be used to answer the question, "What happened on Friday's episode of The Young and the Restless?" Sex and awesomeness happened, dear readers, and it was massively entertaining from start to finish.

It was massively entertaining enough that I couldn't decided what points I wanted to discuss; I wanted to talk about everything (well, almost everything. I never exactly want to discuss Gloria and Jeffrey, unless the discussion is specifically about my loathing). So I decided to do just that, in the form of a recap. With no Night Shift 3to occupy us this summer, I am in a bit of recap withdrawal...and perhaps a look at a full Y&R episode will tempt some non-viewers into tuning in. Peer pressure FTW!

We open with Adam watching the weather forecast that calls for severe thunderstorms, which is soap opera writer shorthand for "Crazy shit is going to go down, you guys". Jack walks up behind him and remarks, "I didn't know cartoons were on this late".

Adam is far less amused than I am, and is probably even less so when Jack urges him to "go read some stucco or something". Hee! Jack wants to see Ashley, and Adam tells him not to, because she's asleep. Adam is obviously new at the whole supervillain thing, because he is way too obvious about the fact that he needs to isolate Ashley.

Upstairs, Ashley wakes up to the sound of someone whispering her name. She calls out "Sabrina?" and gets out of bed, going into the hallway to investigate. All of a sudden, she sees Sabrina in the purple dress, with a veil over her face. She pulls off the veil and snarls, "Victor's mine, stay away".

 

Ashley does horror movie actresses proud and pulls off quite a dramatic scream

which Jack hears, and he rushes upstairs to see what's wrong. Adam is angry that his evil plan is being delayed due to Jack being a nosy parker.

Is Expecting Some Sort of Planning Just Asking Too Much?

When I was in sixth grade, I was obsessed with mysteries. It wasn't exactly a new phase, because I had spent years reading Nancy Drew and The Babysitters Club Mysteries, but when I moved up to middle school, I graduated to more mature books and opted for high quality Agatha Christie novels and the, um, not so high quality works of Mary Higgins Clark. Also in sixth grade, we had a creative writing/computer/typing hybrid class, and had to write stories, possibly using proper typing techniques, a skill that I have long since lost, and, for whatever reason, I drew upon Mary Higgins Clark books for inspiration, probably because there was a formula to many of them that was easy to replicate (woman exists, bad things happen to woman, she meets a handsome man, evildoer is jailed or killed).

Over a decade later, I am still ashamed by the story I wrote. It was about a woman whose husband committed suicide and she was totally heartbroken when she discovered his body, but then her household servants (!) started acting strange and suspicious and a handsome police officer came to investigate the strange goings on and then the woman fell in love with the police officer (mere days after her husband died!) and THEN it turned out that he didn't commit suicide at all, but was murdered by the servants and buried in the backyard (yes, the same body found dead at the start of the story), and then the servants were jailed and she and the handsome police officer lived happily ever after. The story was, like, five pages long (and terrible!), which is short, yet long enough that it allowed me to throw in about three dozen formulaic cliches AND forget that there was a dead body at the beginning of the story.

Stuart's murder mystery, and the AMC writing staff's inability to handle the complexities of said murder mystery, unearthed this long forgotten memory of epic failure; the cliches, the poor writing, the complete inability to remember what happened already all scream Charles Pratt's name. I seriously hope this is the last time I ever have to compare myself to him...

Soap Blog Coalition

The state of General Hospital's opening credits has been a topic of wide discussion. Daytime Confidential's J Bernard decided to try and do something about it. (Daytime Confidential)

On Thursday, nuKristina makes her debut on GH! She shows up outside a bar where she runs into Jason. She shows up as a hell-raising teenager and gets involved in all sorts of typical teenage rebellion. (GHOFS)

Selected new audio highlighted features of XM Soap Break's with B&B's Katherine Kelly Lang, DAYS Darin Brooks, Y&R's Tricia Cast, ATWT's Jon Lindstrom, and more… (Michael Fairman Soaps)

Think David Hayward is obsessed with this offspring? Well he's got nothing on Adam Chandler in his heyday! Take a look back at the lengths Adam went to make sure JR was his alone.(Pine Valley Bulletin)

The Serial Drama girls continue to be traumatized by James Scott's hair, but have muddled through in order to complain about other things on Days of Our Lives and to try to make sense of its Daytime Emmy nomination. (Serial Drama)

There has NEVER been one instance in my life where I have seen any player on the soaps dealing with any type of dental issue. They NEVER even brush their teeth on a soap but that is most likely because they almost BARELY or NEVER even eat on the soaps. (Soap Opera Examiner)

We are breaking out into a silly sonnet of happiness now that Robin and Patrick are together and happy again. (The Scrubs Hub)

ATI president of Worldwide Media and Entertainment, Jim Romanovich, who was the key player in bringing the Daytime Emmy Awards to The CW, recently made a return visit to the Y&R set and shared his thoughts with We Love Soaps. (We Love Soaps)

Sunday Surgery News, Notes and other fun stuff. Find out about some exGhers and the hot newbie coming to Port Charles! (Wubs.net)

The Days of Their Lives Are Apparently Very Long and Not That Interesting

One of my dog’s favorite toys is a cow, which instead of the traditional squeaker has a little box that makes a loud “moooo!” when you squeeze it.  He has had this toy for years, yet every time it makes that noise, he does the classic head-half-turn, doggie “WTF?” expression that every dog lover knows.  Then he gets super excited and does the dog equivalent of laughing – thumps his front paws up and down until I throw the toy for him.  I love it.  I routinely squeeze that toy just to see that reaction.  And it never fails!  Year after year, the moo cow puzzles and delights.  "Moooo!"  ::doggie confusion then glee::

I think, as is always the case when I wander like this, it’s obvious where I’m going:  The Daytime Emmys are my moo cow toy.  No matter how many times I experience them, the bizarreness is new and exciting.  And ultimately they bring me much joy (usually from making fun of what people wear on the red carpet).

When I checked in a couple weeks back, poolside from the tropics, to see Mal’s post announcing that Days of Our Lives had been nominated for Best Drama Series, I totally did the doggie WTF head turn.  And then I laughed.  THIS is the state of soaps today?  Goodness.

But then, I remembered that Best Drama Series is based on only one or two episodes submitted and is frequently actually “Drama Series That Does Not Suck as Much Either as it Used to or as the Other Shows Do,” I have decided I am fine with this nomination.  Particularly if the submitted episodes were the ones surrounding Grandpa Brady's death.  Does anyone know if they were?  And regardless, what are your thoughts about this presumably-unexpected-by-everyone-who-actually-watches-this-show nomination?

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

My Take
By Mallory Harlen

During many dark days, when watching and entire episode of ALL MY CHILDREN and GENERAL HOSPITAL was physically painful (that sounds like a melodramatic thing to say, but I swear that those shows caused some killer headaches), I said to myself, "At least I have Zach/Kendall and Patrick/Robin. They could never disappoint me."

I suppose it's my fault for putting that out into the universe, because the writers seized upon that like a dare. "You'd think that, wouldn't you? But you'd be so very wrong." It's gotten so bad that I involuntarily shudder when I see either of those couples mentioned in the episode description on my DVR.

Zach and Kendall imploding, again, after some random, ridiculous threat to their marriage is worse this time than it usually is, and since I've spilled a lot of ink complaining about how bad it usually is, this is saying something. Zach, put off by the fact that his wife wasn't her usual self after coming out of a coma during which Zach fathered a child with her sister, and killed her brother, seemed to resent being in the same room as Kendall. Kendall, for her part, fell headfirst into one of her Ryan obsessions and became a curly-haired bundle of neuroses and desperate declarations of love. Throw in Zach and Liza's sleazy dalliance and you have a recipe for viewers tuning out. Charles Pratt seems to have an understanding of some Pine Valley residents--his writing for Adam and Erica is truly inspired and, unlike his predecessors, he's giving Aidan actual storylines, which is nice to see, but his writing for Zach and Kendall is bizarre. Why he decided that these hugely popular characters just weren't cutting it and needed to be rewritten is completely beyond me.

Pretend It's Two Years Ago and This Is Groundbreaking: Serial Drama Is On Facebook

While we remain morally opposed to Twitter (related note: HA!), both of us are frequent Facebook users and decided the time has come for Serial Drama to jump on into the modern world and have a page there.  So if you're interested, become a Facebook fan of our blog here, and you can friend us individually as well (Mallory and Becca).  We will use the page to post updates, including some non-soaps-related things from time to time.  Plus we hope it will help us get to know some of you better, and give you regular commenters a chance to get to interact with each other.  See you there!

P.S.  We shut down the forums.  It turns out there were already enough message boards for everyone to bitch about soaps.  How could we have known?!  Wait...we totally did know that.  Anyway, they are no more, but head on over to Facebook to keep your discussions going.  (Click on the Discussions tab on the Serial Drama page and start a thread about whatever horrible or fabulous soapy goings-on you choose.) 

Pregnant in Port Charles? TAKE THE ELEVATOR.

Okay, General Hospital writers.  While I really do appreciate your generosity of spirit demonstrated by your dedication to providing us an apparently unending supply of rant-inducing material, I must say this about the end of this promo that aired after yesterday's show (a show that was 92% garbage, BTW):

REALLY? 

REALLY?

Your originality is groundbreaking.  For real.  (And hey, "funny" twist that the two women are 1) the character to whom this exact thing has already happened, and 2) the actress who was playing the character at the time.  Tee hee!  Wink wink nudge!  You have truly earned that Emmy nod.)

My job would be so much easier if I could just copy and paste shit I did years ago while demanding a shiny new paycheck.  I'm going to look into that.