We Should Petition To Change The Name of Port Charles To Dullsville
Nikolas: Honestly, who writes this stuff?
Oh, Nik. That question weighs heavily on my soul on a daily basis. My theory is cyborgs. It has to be cyborgs, right? That would go a long way in explaining General Hospital's complete lack of logic and emotion.
(Nice shot at horror movie writers, by the way. Sure, movies like Pumpkinhead and Slumber Party Massacreare terrible but I have to tell you, Jason Voorhees came back from the dead, like, eighteen times and none of those resurrections were as awful and insulting as that of Diego Alcazar)
So Mayor Floyd was arrested for the murder of his mistress despite, as far as I can tell, the police never actually, like, investigating the crime and the big story of the day was that...he had a one night stand with Alexis? And people are calling for her to resign? This show has never been particularly good at portraying the media (remember when Sam was basically a bystander during the Metro Court crisis and she got a show and was hilariously famous? The paparazzi followed Jason! I hated those days when I was living them, but now I long for them), but this is silly, even for them.
Especially because, as Alexis pointed out to a hilariously uncomfortable Patrick:
Alexis: It was one night. It wasn't an affair. It was one night. And it was the night that I just happened to walk in on my husband having sex with my daughter and found out that I had cancer, so I was a little out of sorts, and apparently stupid.
Yeah. Remember when Alexis was heartbroken, despondent, hacking up her lung and weeks away from a coma? She totally had time to have sex with the mayor! Which means that all of those times that Ric tried to deflect attention off of himself and his terrible decision to have sex with his stepdaughter by hysterically accusing Alexis of having a fling with the mayor, he was actually right. Yay for character ruining rewrites!
And yay for daughters calling their mothers sluts!
Kristina: As we speak, the entire world is finding out my mother's a slut. Let's be real here. My mother has three daughters by three different men. Nobody even knows who Sam's dad is, so obviously she sleeps around.
1.) We're never going to find out who Sam's dad is, are we?
2.) Your father has had children with, like, six different women. Well, maybe she didn't call him a slut because not even that word accurately describes the magnitude of sleaze and penis wandering that goes on in Sonny's life.
I did kind of appreciate that Kristina's biggest concern is that her friends are going to find out, because that's a completely normal teenage reaction, much like Michael's general wretchedness. Is it fun to watch? No. But it is literally the only part of this show that is in any way realistic.
Like, in the unrealistic column are her comments about Carly.
Kristina: Carly may be overprotective and annoying but at least she's honest. She owns who she is and doesn't pretend to be something better.
Yes, Caroline Benson of the ever changing personalities, paternity lies, random lies, affairs and general moral bankruptcy does honestly own who she is. Right.
Maxie: You're right. The first two times ended up a hot mess. Not the sex -- that was good.
Spinelli: You really think so?
Maxie: You have no idea how incredible you are.
BRB, BLINDING MYSELF.
Can somebody explain to me why Wyndemere was plagued with thunder and lightning, but the rest of Port Charles had normal weather? See, this is the downside of cyborg writing staffs, they don't have a firm grasp on earth weather patterns.
I continue to have a problem with the Lucky/Lulu/Ethan dynamic. I don't understand why Lulu is such a "Rah-rah, my dad has an illegitimate child! Huzzah!" cheerleader. And I don't understand why Ethan refuses to entertain, even for a second, the possibility that Lucky's issues with Luke are reasonable and that Luke is maybe not perfect. And I don't understand why Lucky is always second best and is not one of the show's leading men.
Ethan: See, that's the problem. You see any similarities to Luke as a bad thing. Which baffles me, because from what I understand, Luke was closer to you than anyone. I don't understand what could have caused such a drastic change.
Well, then maybe you should ask what caused such a drastic change (spoiler: it involves Luke having raped Lucky's mother and also Lucky being kidnapped and brainwashed which, as we all know, was totes hilarious in hindsight) instead of being a condescending dickhead lecturing your new half brother about things you don't know shit about. AND WASH YOUR FUCKING HAIR, DUDE.
It's strange days indeed when Jason Morgan is the undisputed highlight of the show, but it's true. This does not happen often.
Jason: You know, with everything that's happened with Michael being shot, him being lost to us all that time, and now having him back, it's really forced me to think. And to really rethink. You know, Michael says that makes me a hypocrite. Maybe it does, I don't really know. But since my accident, I know that I pushed you away. And I made it very clear that I wanted nothing to do with you. And it might be too late. But I was wrong. And Michael needs you. He needs a place to live that's not tainted by the life I put him in.
Edward: You need that, too, son.
Jason: No, it's too late for me. All the things I've done, it's going to catch up to me. But I don't want to bring trouble and retaliation to the doorstep of the people I care about. I really need this place to be a safe haven for Michael.
Jason: I know that things have been bad between us. I just want to say that a lot of it is my fault. I could never see things from your point of view. And now I can see in a way that i could never see before. All your actions, even if they were wrong, even if i hated them -- it was all done out of love.
Monica: Well, that's michael making you understand. When you love a child, you all of a sudden realize just why parents do the things they do.
Jason: All that love you tried to give me that i didn't take, can you -- can you give it to michael? Can you just give him everything i wouldn't accept from you?
Edward: It's what we've always wanted.
I have wanted this scene for a very, very long time. Of course, when I first started wishing for it, my fantasies included Stuart Damon and a more emotive Leslie Charleson, but I'll take what I can get, especially since Steve Burton actually ACTED and John Ingle was characteristically delightful. So, you know, at least there was that. At least there was Jason. I...am not used to typing that sentence.