Completely Confusing Contrived Conundrums
The above is an apt description of the crap masquerading as General Hospital storylines on a good day; on a bad day, the show's hastily written and poorly planned plot points (today is an alliteration kind of day) defy reason so epically that sitting through a full episode feels like a cruel punishment. This week was filled with the latter.
But we all survived (I'm assuming so; if anyone has heard of GH related fatalities, please let me know and we can take up a collection for the victim's families) and, as a reward, I present to you, the only fun thing to be associated with GH in eons: a Jumble!
Use the clues to unscramble the letters below them. Use the underlined letter from each to answer the last question. Laugh derisively when you reflect upon the fact that such word games are far too complex for the GH writing staff.
Hometown of Sonny Corinthos and Olivia Falconeri mentioned upwards of 78 times per week. Repeated mentions of said hometown are intended to be shorthand for the great connection these two characters have to one another (so great, in fact, that they would cast aside their fiancée and hot boy, respectively, in order to make eyes at one another. And the eyes are predatory and uncomfortable, respectively), since the writers cannot actually be involved to build this connection into a story organically.
The notion that Olivia would even give Sonny a second thought when she has been sexing up the aforementioned hot boy is completely ____________. Yes, he was her first love, and he is the secret father of her son, but he has grown into an angry, mercurial criminal who can't make it through one sentence without stammering, stumbling on words and repeating himself, often speaking in some weird accent. He has also grown to about 5'4. Was that heightist of me?
Johnny may be part of a criminal dynasty, and he may have the crazy lurking in his genes (Proof of the crazy: Anthony Zacchara is his father; he jumped off of a roof that one time; he spent months in love with Lulu), and being with him unfortunately means being in close proximity to Claudia, but he is young, gorgeous, kind, and can speak English. How is this even a debate?
This adjective can also be used to describe nearly all of the ideas this writing staff has.
The Jason/Sam scenes of late have been surprisingly ______________. Surprisingly because 1) I was never a huge fan of the couple to begin with and 2) little on this show is ever _____________ on purpose. But Steve Burton is delightful when he plays exasperated, and he and Kelly Monaco made today's episode with their facial expressions while in custody of an overeager police officer. Of course, they didn't have much competition, but even a backhanded compliment is a compliment.
Drew Garrett is one of the show's best finds in years. He is immensely talented, holds his own with a variety of impressive, award-winning costars, and has ___________ with nearly every actor he shares a scene with. He's best at conveying rage (which works out well, since that is what he's given to play most often), but he's equally good at quiet, tender moments with family and even humor, like his hilarious reaction to Kristina's spur-of-the-moment abortion lie today. With all of that said, it would be nice for him to have a couple of days off screen, because I'm sure the kid (and the audience) would like a break from Michael.
Character played by Nancy Lee Grahn who was the subject of numerous bizarre screeds by Carly, during which she was attacked basically for daring to exist and breathe the same air as Mrs. Jacks, who I thought was supposed to keep her blood pressure down and, I don't know, not lose her mind screaming at people and throwing extended tantrums that last for multiple episodes. I mean, yes, it is terrible that someone may be letting your child take the fall for a crime that he did not commit (although he confessed to it), but for the love of my eardrums, slow your roll, Carly! Defending Michael makes you angry and anger makes you screech and screeching makes Jax tell you to be calm, and Jax telling you to be calm is all the man has said for, like, the past six months and, frankly, I cannot even deal.
Anyway, after a week of her parenting skills being demonized by Carly, Sam and the gang (apparently, her desire for her obviously intelligent and talented daughter to excel at school is child abuse, the likes of which Port Charles has never seen), ____________ made the sacrifice of taking the fall for her daughter and confessing to hitting Claudia's car. Isn't it funny that this character, who is judged and mocked routinely, did such a selfless thing?
Stop trying to make Rebecca, ______________, writers. She's never going to _________! Not least because she is completely devoid of personality, played by a weak actress who thinks that acting means making exaggerated facial expressions, namely grimacing or widening her eyes, and is an unpleasant reminder that EMILY EFFING QUARTERMAINE was killed off by an undead serial killer. Excuse me for not thinking that her raccoon eyed twin is a good substitute!
Although she was not even onscreen when the line was uttered, this character provided the line of the week, when she was informed by Lucky that Edward and Rebecca were in jail
Lucky: She said, and I quote, "Oh, goody. Let them rot".
Greg Vaughan's delivery of the line was fantastic, as was imagining Jane Elliot saying it.
I'm having a really hard time believing that this character is worth Lucky and Ethan joining forces to administer a beatdown to Dominante for having the nerve to be a mobster hitting on their sister. A beatdown, by the way, that managed to be both brutal and comical at the same time; I spent equal time cringing and laughing.
While ________ has been far more tolerable in the past couple of months than she has been in years, I still don't see her as special enough for Lucky, the cop, to engage in a bar brawl, especially since her default treatment of Lucky is "rotten". And couldn't Lucky and Ethan uniting over a common interest have been done organically? Perhaps with an actual conversation between them? Is that asking too much? Obviously, it is, as that would require planning and it was far easier for the situation to play out sort of like this:
LUCKY: I hate you.
ETHAN: You're cranky, mate. We have a problem.
LUCKY: What problem?
ETHAN: (Points at Dominante) He works for Sonny Corinthos.
LUCKY: Let's roll.
The most adorable character on the show, played by John Ingle. His sassiness and variety of jaunty hats almost always put a smile on my face. I say almost always because, lately, his onscreen presence is usually accompanied by that Michael or Rebecca, and his blind indulgence of those two characters is utterly tragic.
Spinelli deserved to be ____________________ in the middle of the PCPD for his utterly insane and immature attempt at asking Mac for Maxie's hand in marriage. Seriously, he was surrounded by armed police officers (police officers who pulled their weapons on Maxie when she yelled "No"! during Spinelli's discussion with Mac! Because, apparently, that's what cops are trained to do...? Overreact?) and not one of them was so annoyed by his babbling and refusal to listen to Mac when Mac clearly stated, in ten different ways, that he was too busy to deal with Spinelli's brand of bullshit, that they hauled off and shot him? Not shot him dead, because we don't need police further demonized on this show for killing one of Guza's pets, but, like, shot him in the arm.
AND THEN! Like his rambling wasn't bad enough, he took a phone call from Jason right in the middle of what was supposed to be the biggest moment of his life. WHAT THE HELL? AND! They all just stood around there while he gave Jason directions for how to de-hybrid the SUV that Spinelli made into a hybrid, because he is terrible at everything he does! If I were Mac and I were that busy, I'd take the opportunity to kick Spinelli in the shins and go about my business.
Claudia is a complete _______________. And a monster. And, just...a mess. Calling Jerry and telling him to bring Michael to her? WHAT THE CRIKEY FUCK? That's ludicrous, even for this character. She wants revenge for losing her baby. The baby who was pretty much conceived to be a human shield to protect her when/if Sonny confirms the truth that she was behind the hit that led to Michael's coma. I just...what the hell are we even supposed to feel for Claudia? Because I feel like vomiting.
FINAL QUESTION: When asked if this show is even in the same hemisphere as mediocre, Cameron says, "___________ ____________"?
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