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« What A Drag It Is Getting Old in Pine Valley | Main | "Realistic"...Like, The Way Harry Potter Is Realistic? »

July 31, 2009

Completely Confusing Contrived Conundrums

The above is an apt description of the crap masquerading as General Hospital storylines on a good day; on a bad day, the show's hastily written and poorly planned plot points (today is an alliteration kind of day) defy reason so epically that sitting through a full episode feels like a cruel punishment. This week was filled with the latter.

But we all survived (I'm assuming so; if anyone has heard of GH related fatalities, please let me know and we can take up a collection for the victim's families) and, as a reward, I present to you, the only fun thing to be associated with GH in eons: a Jumble!

Use the clues to unscramble the letters below them. Use the underlined letter from each to answer the last question. Laugh derisively when you reflect upon the fact that such word games are far too complex for the GH writing staff.

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Hometown of Sonny Corinthos and Olivia Falconeri mentioned upwards of 78 times per week. Repeated mentions of said hometown are intended to be shorthand for the great connection these two characters have to one another (so great, in fact, that they would cast aside their fiancée and hot boy, respectively, in order to make eyes at one another.  And the eyes are predatory and uncomfortable, respectively), since the writers cannot actually be involved to build this connection into a story organically.

HNRSTOUSNBE

The notion that Olivia would even give Sonny a second thought when she has been sexing up the aforementioned hot boy is completely ____________. Yes, he was her first love, and he is the secret father of her son, but he has grown into an angry, mercurial criminal who can't make it through one sentence without stammering, stumbling on words and repeating himself, often speaking in some weird accent. He has also grown to about 5'4. Was that heightist of me?

Johnny may be part of a criminal dynasty, and he may have the crazy lurking in his genes (Proof of the crazy: Anthony Zacchara is his father; he jumped off of a roof that one time; he spent months in love with Lulu), and being with him unfortunately means being in close proximity to Claudia, but he is young, gorgeous, kind, and can speak English. How is this even a debate?  

This adjective can also be used to describe nearly all of the ideas this writing staff has.

CITIIOD

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The Jason/Sam scenes of late have been surprisingly ______________. Surprisingly because 1) I was never a huge fan of the couple to begin with and 2) little on this show is ever _____________ on purpose. But Steve Burton is delightful when he plays exasperated, and he and Kelly Monaco made today's episode with their facial expressions while in custody of an overeager police officer. Of course, they didn't have much competition, but even a backhanded compliment is a compliment.

EYLENOAJB

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Drew Garrett is one of the show's best finds in years. He is immensely talented, holds his own with a variety of impressive, award-winning costars, and has ___________ with nearly every actor he shares a scene with. He's best at conveying rage (which works out well, since that is what he's given to play most often), but he's equally good at quiet, tender moments with family and even humor, like his hilarious reaction to Kristina's spur-of-the-moment abortion lie today. With all of that said, it would be nice for him to have a couple of days off screen, because I'm sure the kid (and the audience) would like a break from Michael.

YTECMRSHI

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Character played by Nancy Lee Grahn who was the subject of numerous bizarre screeds by Carly, during which she was attacked basically for daring to exist and breathe the same air as Mrs. Jacks, who I thought was supposed to keep her blood pressure down and, I don't know, not lose her mind screaming at people and throwing extended tantrums that last for multiple episodes. I mean, yes, it is terrible that someone may be letting your child take the fall for a crime that he did not commit (although he confessed to it), but for the love of my eardrums, slow your roll, Carly! Defending Michael makes you angry and anger makes you screech and screeching makes Jax tell you to be calm, and Jax telling you to be calm is all the man has said for, like, the past six months and, frankly, I cannot even deal.

Anyway, after a week of her parenting skills being demonized by Carly, Sam and the gang (apparently, her desire for her obviously intelligent and talented daughter to excel at school is child abuse, the likes of which Port Charles has never seen), ____________ made the sacrifice of taking the fall for her daughter and confessing to hitting Claudia's car. Isn't it funny that this character, who is judged and mocked routinely, did such a selfless thing?

XIAELS

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Stop trying to make Rebecca, ______________, writers. She's never going to _________! Not least because she is completely devoid of personality, played by a weak actress who thinks that acting means making exaggerated facial expressions, namely grimacing or widening her eyes, and is an unpleasant reminder that EMILY EFFING QUARTERMAINE was killed off by an undead serial killer. Excuse me for not thinking that her raccoon eyed twin is a good substitute!

NEHPPA

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Although she was not even onscreen when the line was uttered, this character provided the line of the week, when she was informed by Lucky that Edward and Rebecca were in jail

Lucky: She said, and I quote, "Oh, goody. Let them rot".

Greg Vaughan's delivery of the line was fantastic, as was imagining Jane Elliot saying it. 

YRACT

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I'm having a really hard time believing that this character is worth Lucky and Ethan joining forces to administer a beatdown to Dominante for having the nerve to be a mobster hitting on their sister. A beatdown, by the way, that managed to be both brutal and comical at the same time; I spent equal time cringing and laughing.

While ________ has been far more tolerable in the past couple of months than she has been in years, I still don't see her as special enough for Lucky, the cop, to engage in a bar brawl, especially since her default treatment of Lucky is "rotten". And couldn't Lucky and Ethan uniting over a common interest have been done organically? Perhaps with an actual conversation between them? Is that asking too much? Obviously, it is, as that would require planning and it was far easier for the situation to play out sort of like this:

LUCKY: I hate you.
ETHAN: You're cranky, mate. We have a problem.
LUCKY: What problem?
ETHAN: (Points at Dominante) He works for Sonny Corinthos.
LUCKY: Let's roll.

ULLU

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The most adorable character on the show, played by John Ingle. His sassiness and variety of jaunty hats almost always put a smile on my face. I say almost always because, lately, his onscreen presence is usually accompanied by that Michael or Rebecca, and his blind indulgence of those two characters is utterly tragic.

DDAREW

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Spinelli deserved to be ____________________ in the middle of the PCPD for his utterly insane and immature attempt at asking Mac for Maxie's hand in marriage. Seriously, he was surrounded by armed police officers (police officers who pulled their weapons on Maxie when she yelled "No"! during Spinelli's discussion with Mac! Because, apparently, that's what cops are trained to do...? Overreact?) and not one of them was so annoyed by his babbling and refusal to listen to Mac when Mac clearly stated, in ten different ways, that he was too busy to deal with Spinelli's brand of bullshit, that they hauled off and shot him? Not shot him dead, because we don't need police further demonized on this show for killing one of Guza's pets, but, like, shot him in the arm.

AND THEN! Like his rambling wasn't bad enough, he took a phone call from Jason right in the middle of what was supposed to be the biggest moment of his life. WHAT THE HELL? AND! They all just stood around there while he gave Jason directions for how to de-hybrid the SUV that Spinelli made into a hybrid, because he is terrible at everything he does! If I were Mac and I were that busy, I'd take the opportunity to kick Spinelli in the shins and go about my business.

LISOPT WDEIHPP

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Claudia is a complete _______________. And a monster. And, just...a mess. Calling Jerry and telling him to bring Michael to her? WHAT THE CRIKEY FUCK? That's ludicrous, even for this character. She wants revenge for losing her baby. The baby who was pretty much conceived to be a human shield to protect her when/if Sonny confirms the truth that she was behind the hit that led to Michael's coma. I just...what the hell are we even supposed to feel for Claudia? Because I feel like vomiting.

PTHOISCAO

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FINAL QUESTION: When asked if this show is even in the same hemisphere as mediocre, Cameron says, "___________    ____________"?

_ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _

Comments

Wow. That was fun. Do it again, please!
For all of you still suffering through 2009 GH but wishing you had some better GH there is a whole series on YouTube starting from the moment Luke set foot in PC. It has every scene important to the Luke and Laura story from 1979-1980. 1981 scenes are arriving a little every day. The fan who posts them likes to talk about the story and is obviously a big fan of REAL GH. Check it out! http://www.youtube.com/user/sussezq

That jumble was the best thing to happen to GH since Patrick's hotness.

Maybe your ears were bleeding from another horrific week of General Misogyny Hospital, but you missed one more slap at Alexis that might have been a fun one for your jumble.

Evidently she is not just a horrible mother, a snob, a bitch, a woman happy to frame a sick kid for her own crimes (which no way in hell she committed) but that evil Alexis is also..... A RACIST!

Yep, when Jason asked Sam if Kristina spoke any Spanish, Sam was flabbergasted. Her response was "Phawww, no! She's Alexis' daughter, she speaks French." Sam's eyeroll was met w/ Jason's understanding nod that Alexis believed learning Spanish would be beneath her child.

WTF!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?! Guza and his gang of assholes have never hid their deeply routed and beloved misogyny, their bigotry of homosexuals (anyone seen Lucas Jones), and racism (they even murdered Justice for kicks), but this was still too much for me. Alexis isn't a effin racist! And to paint her as one so Sam & Jason can mock Alexis for a giggle is utter BS.

Brilliant post!

I'm a bit alarmed by how quickly I can decipher "pistol whipped" though. That can't say anything good about me.

I didn't even need to do all the clues to get the last one. Not that I knew that until I got there.

I think the one whose answer is "Alexis" would probably be the one that would stop Guza, Phelps, & Frons in their tracks. I mean you don't have 'that heinous evil b*tch' in front of it or anything.

Very fun post. You should do this again.

You're so creative! I haven't watched GH at all this week because I can't really stand Michael or Rebecca, and this show pretty much revolved around them. Plus this thing with Claudia is just so many kinds of terrible... I don't know what.

And it's not getting any better. And now the hot sheet says Dominante has some secret that will make the "Sonny's my dad" thing "90 billion times more interesting". Seriously, this is what ABC hot sheet says, and I quote.

So here's the good news, my friends. Apparently, 90 billion is not a really, really big number like we thought. It's apparently something more like one-quarter. And isn't that great? Because that means that the trillion in national debt is, like, 5 dollars.

What the crikey fuck!!!! My favorite new phrase; please keep watching GH so you come up with amazing new phrases and of course posts. And brill--ending with bitch please.

Kill me now!! Kill me now!!

I actually loved Lulu and Dante together!

Love and talking about GH in the same sentence hell has frozen over people!!

I must admit I did love Dante! after getting (an over-exaggerated) beating Dante went back to play pool and said to Lulu "where were we" Priceless haha :>

Guza sure as hell didnt write that segment, maybe he had swine flu FW! (swine flu for wankers)and missed a day.

Thanks girls as always your the best xxx

I also like Dominante, though he appears much too old to be Olivia's child. And has she not yet encountered anyone calling him Dominic? And why did he need to change his name anyway? Would everyone know who he was if he were called Dante? No one even knows he exists, right?

I could stand Lulu with him only if he does not worship her, but treats her with a bit of skepticism. She has a lot of wrong-headed notions and it would be nice to see someone call her out on them sometimes.

I am watching that Luke and Laura playlist of 1979-80, and it is the best thing I have seen since it aired the first time...30 years ago. Watch it all from the very beginning, and you will appreciate how great this soap once was when Gloria Monty was the producer, Pat Falken Smith was doing some serious writing and Tony and Genie were acting their hearts out. That's what soaps should be, and it is the reason that people became addicted to GH. The only problem is that it will be nearly impossible to watch the current GH after watching this!

What a great new creative way of telling us how awful GH is. I'm sure typing the same stuff day in and day out gets boring. Too bad GH writers don't get bored with writing the same thing year after year.

I'm not liking Dante and Lulu together. He seems too old for her. I'm still waiting for Ethan to be de-Spencered but I know Dante is Guza's new favorite pet (and Lulu is one of his favorites as well) so it looks like here comes Dante and Lulu whether I want it or not.

Thanks for the L&L links. You can actually pretty much watch anything from YT from GH from 1979 to the mid 90's and be guaranteed that it will be 100 times better than anything on today's GH!

Now I really want a brand new head writer, one that isn't another of Guza's former pals or proteges, to take over the show - not just because I want it to be watchable (much less good) again, but because I'm genuinely curious how someone given the job would clean up the mess. I don't think anyone would blame the writers if they revealed that everything since 2001 or so was a dream Robin had after falling asleep watching a "Sopranos" marathon.

Hee! I'm glad that you all enjoyed the Jumble! Turning GH into a game is possibly the only way to make it marginally entertaining.

And LauraBB, thank you soooo much for the YouTube link! I can't wait to spend time watching classing L&L.

Chad, I'd definitely be okay with all of this being rewritten as a terrible nightmare. Think of how many Qs that would bring back to us!

why why why are the writers so insistent on Sonny and Jason being the leads on this show? It's going on a decade now and it's time for some fresh blood. What's so aggravating is that it seems that when anyone even has the potential to be a lead - the writers make sure it doesn't happen. They seem to actively keep other male leads from gaining too much of a foothold. Jax could have been a lead and he's been relegated to supporting character for years. Johnny could have been a hot and up and coming lead, but the writers created fireworks with him and Olivia and then seemed to realize that this wouldn't help Maurice any, so all of a sudden Olivia just can't resist him. It's literally a show killer that they can't see beyond or allow anything beyond Sonny and Jason. All other male characters are kept in their place.

LauraBB, you are the wind beneath my wings. Thanks for the YouTube clip of LnL. *runs off to watch*

AWESOME post, Mallory. Please do another one and don't forget to add Cameron's bitch please phrase at the end. LOL!!!

It really makes me happy to see someone else a bit bothered by GH wrecking Alexis to prop Sam. Has Sam spent any time at all with Kristina? She can read her so much better than their mother? Argh! I still can't figure out why Sam had to put a knife on upside down and arm herself so she could go find her sister. And, where did she leave her car? This show really makes very little sense.

Sam propping? It's been going on since 2003! Jax/Sonny/Jason/Ric/Alexis/Spin/Maxie....the list goes on and on. Sam is suppose to be a lead female character, but, I have never seen her lead a storyline of her own? Sonny/Sam dead baby storyline was more about Jason and Sonny, then Sam. Yes, Sam cried and was grief stricken, but, she really was't the main focus...it was Jason and Sonny. Not much of lead female character if you can't hold your own storyline from year to year...

Ugh, I hate the Alexis bashing. NLG, please find a better show to be on--and take Jane Elliot with you.

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