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« What Is More Awesome Than Awesome? | Main | Dear Song: No, I Most Certainly Would Not Like It »

July 13, 2009

General Hospital Week in Review

Greetings, readers!  After a very long absence, the Week in Review is making a hopefully triumphant return.  My work schedule has been completely insane for at least six months so poor Mallory has been shouldering almost all of the blogging, but things have calmed down and I'm planning a return to normal.  I've still been watching GH over these many months, which I'm sure contributed to my near-nervous-breakdown state, so I haven't missed much.  There's even been a few things that have been so consistent that I've learned to find them somewhat soothing.  They include:

  • Rick Hearst getting screwed over
  • Patrick's hotness
  • Sonny being an awful [fictional] human being
  • Mallory's hatred of Jason, Spinelli, and Bob Guza
  • My mind wandering while watching GH to the extent that I miss entire plotlines (and am subsequently grateful)
  • The increasing use of spray tan and teeth whitener that appears to have coincided with the introduction of HD
  • This show being, generally speaking, effing terrible

But let's be all analytical and take a look at some specific things that are terrible.  And one or two that aren't.


Casting is really the one area that throughout GH's descent into mediocrity and then awfulness remained strong.  GH consistently casts talented newcomers, kids that look like their onscreen parents, and non-daytime actors who fit right in on a soap.  But this is a huge misstep:  This man


is supposed to be the son of this woman.


Let me have some of my favorite Port Charles' denizens express my opinion about this:



Yeah...WTF?  Did she have him in the second grade?  Screw that, they could have been in the second grade together.  I am actually surprised that Maurice Benard hasn't up and quit in outrage, since he was long rumored to not want Sonny to have adult children, and all of a sudden he has one that checks the same age box on the census form that he does.

By the way, wasn't Olivia and Dante's first scene as mother and son a breath of fresh air, totally lacking the usual GH taint of violence and general disregard for anyone with ovaries?



I have no other explanation for that, other than, you know, the usual:



I know that their reconciliation took less than half an episode, that they had both moved on to relationships that I liked (or would have liked had they done the Liz-Jason thing right), and they are destined probably not to do anything interesting as a couple ever again, but...


SO PRETTY.  Becky Herbst's hair is worrying me a bit, but I am ignoring that for now because she is pulling off bright yellow, which only about .5% of the population can do.  And Greg Vaughan, damn.  Boy is fine.  I am very bummed that he has been bumped to recurring, particularly because I only recently learned I have been misspelling his last name for three years.  (In my defense, that last "a" serves no purpose!) [Edit:  Turns out I had misinformation and Vaughan is not recurring.  GH apparently uses him three times a month because of their usual lameness, not a heightened level of lameness that would take the portrayer of the only son of Luke and Laura off contract.  Phew?]

I was really upset with Maxie's hair early last week.


Cornrows are something you get while on vacation in the Caribbean when your judgment is affected either by alcohol or heatstroke.  They are not something a fashion magazine assistant wears.  But all was forgiven later in the week, because how fab does her hair look here?


Perfect!  And Kirsten Storms is looking a bit healthier, too, which is a relief.

Now that we've discussed her hair, onto the more important issue of what is going on in Maxie's life.


Maxie:  Oh no, I like how you look in a towel.  It makes me want to jump your bones.

I am going to have to borrow Mallory's patented response for this:  ". . ."

I assume that Spinelli is designed to appeal to the tween audience that watches more during the summer, but that also assumes that the powers-that-be think that their regular cocktail of violence with a twist of misogyny is appropriate for that same audience which…well, that’s probably exactly what they think.  Whatever. 

Even amidst the usual GH crap, I am usually able to at least understand what is going on on my screen ("understand" in terms of "know what is happening" not "process or accept as logical or acceptable").  But I do not understand Maxie and Spinelli's relationship.  Just a few months ago, Maxie was adamant that she didn't want a romantic relationship with Spinelli, that he was her "essential person" or some such thing (they stole that from Grey's, right?).  But now she's all over him, practically proposing marriage and babies on a daily basis (do not even get me started on his stupid chaste "courting" routine), despite nothing having changed and Spinelli still being a caricature.  And stuff like this happens:

Johnny (to Spinelli about Maxie):  She's been 100% faithful to you, my friend.

Faithful...to the guy she wasn't dating?  What?  It is entirely possible that I just haven't been paying attention, I suppose, but the other alternative is that the writers have no idea how to write for these two day-to-day and don't have a clear idea themselves on what the relationship is supposed to be.  I think you know which scenario I'm going with.


Mal loves Carly now, but I’ve only managed to progress to the point where I can tolerate her.  So I’m not moved at all by her and Jax's marital bliss and baby-planning.  (When are Carly and Claudia going to start actually looking pregnant, BTW?  Aren't they like five months along?)  I see scenes like this


and I wonder, when can Vanessa Marcil come back?


Michael may be a brat, but I have been totally impressed by Drew Garrett.  He is doing a great job playing mid-90s Jason, which is, let's face it, who Michael is now.


Bec:  BTW, at some point we have to discuss how SORAS'd Michael is TOTALLY mid-90s Jason.  It is creeping me the fuck out.  They even have the same haircut!  I like that actor, though.  Too bad he's fed garbage to recite.
Mal:  OMG, Michael is totally Jason. It's uncanny. What a find Drew Garrett is, though. He's been acting with some really strong actors, and Steve Burton, since joining the show and he has totally held his own.
  Several emails later and "some really strong actors, and Steve Burton" is still making me laugh.  I so adore how much you loathe him, even if I disagree.

I promise I'm not just saying this to annoy my lovely co-blogger:  I actually think Steve Burton has been really good lately.  I continue to enjoy his hilarious WTF reactions to Spinelli, and he is working on some excellent "bitch, please" expressions of his own that may one day rival that of his kid's brother.



I kind of love him a little.  Quick, someone remind me that Jason kills people for money!


You know, Robin may be inexplicably performing law enforcement functions and having indiscreet conversations that are easily overheard by the subject of said discussions, but


at least she's doing it with great hair and in a cute shirt.  The horrendous storyline allegedly about postpartum depression seems like it was years ago, and that is the nicest thing I will ever say about that nightmarish collection of medical inaccuracies, screechy harpy-ism, and baby-in-tree storage solutions.

Finally, Patrick and Robin's karaoke duet on Friday?  In one faux-word:  Adorbs.




And Patrick, well, he did something I didn't even know was possible.


He hotly karaoked.  

If you didn't catch this episode, I highly recommend watching just this scene.  It will make you kind of laugh and simultaneously cringe a bit because it's just realistic enough to remind you of every karaoke night you've ever attended.  Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough could seriously sell ice to Eskimos. (The Dirty Dancing connection doesn't hurt either.  OMG, I wore that soundtrack out on my giant yellow Sony Sports Walkman.)

If this is the first time you're seeing that scene, because you managed to quit this show, and that clip is in any way tempting you to start watching again, don't be fooled.  Stay away.  Save yourself.  Go watch 90s GH episodes on YouTube.  Take up a less harmful habit than watching GH.  I hear crack is making a comeback.

Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason.


Patrick and Robin adorable? Gee from this blog who would have thought so. Adorably boring and asexual.

Um...Valerie, WTF? Asexual? I quote from Princess Bride..."I don't think that word means what you think it means."

Becca, I'm glad someone finally pointed out that apparently Carly and Man-Hands are giving birth to sea monkeys because they are NOT SHOWING. At least not until yesterday. Amazing what a weekend can do. At least we hadn't seen Claudiwhore in a day or so, but Carly was wearing the same damn shirt she was wearing on Friday, but suddenly, she has a baby bump?

It cracked me up last week when Claudia wanted Sonny to "feel the baby move." These friggin' writers apparently think no one who watches has ever been pregnant. You don't feel a baby move when your stomach is still concave. Although given Claudia's penchant for ridiculously tight pants, shirts and leather jackets she bought two sizes too small from the juniors department, the poor thing probably IS banging on those tight walls, asking for some goddamn room!

Okay, I thought that putting a correction here in the comments was sufficient, but I've now gone back in and edited the post to reflect that Greg Vaughan hasn't been bumped to recurring. The world can now continue to rotate on its axis.

Sorry becca....when you're a Greg Vaughan fan and you see this rumor pop up every two-three months...and randomly this is the only rumor people all immediately believe....we get a bit defensive. All is forgiven? =)

Your comment was the one that made me realize my mistake and post a correction. I just didn't realize it was an ALL CAPS kind of situation, so after another comment I edited the post. No worries, and my apologies for getting it wrong to begin with.

I just got back from a TV-less vacation in the mountains and watched two weeks worth of GH. One of the reasons I was so eager to catch up quickly was so I could read all of your GH comments and blog entries. And you did not disappoint. You ladies are far more entertaining than GH. Sometimes I think the only reason I continue to watch, other than the fact that GH provides me with a convenient nap each day, is so I can truly revel in your comments. Thanks so much!!!

"And I am now completely in love with Jason Thompson. I mean, I thought he was hot before, but after hearing him sing? I want to rub his feet and have his babies."
LMAO!!! Get in line, honey.

Don't be fool is right! Regardless of this gem of a scene, GH still blows chunks.

Now could anyone not be charmed by Scrubs' karaoke. It was seriously the highlight of GH's year so far.

if today is Megan Wards last day, it's mine. The "STUPID" s/l's the elavation of Olivia to sainthood is a turn off forever. I came back to GH just for Sonny & Kate and the "Beautiful" story, than Bang, marries Claudia, and there here comes OliviaGH praises trashy, tough talking b-movie queens, the last pairing I want to see is Sonny with his female counterpart Olivia, the Sonny& Kate story shows why oppisites atrack, if this guy is Sonny's son WHAT A JOKE, he looks as old as Maurice, so with Kate gone, so is GH from not just me, BUT many, Thank You, Frons, Phelps, Guza for the destruction of GH....

I'm so disgusted with the badly written fanfic that used to be GH. Good actors, I agree, are the only saving grace.

Of everything else we are subjected to: (Half nekkid Spinelli, Claudia saying anything, the dissapearance of Rick Hearst and the rest of this bore, can I just add that Krissy's boyfriend Kiefer needs to go. "Coma boy," my foot.)

Alexis and Diane are what I watch now...if I watch at all.

OldGH on Youtube is much more fun.

ok umm, how did rebecca die

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