Perhaps I Am Taking This Too Personally But: This Show Hurts Me
You know the Rockwell song "Somebody's Watching Me", which languished for years on one-hit wonder countdowns before its eventual revival through the GEICO commercial with the googly-eyed pile of money? For those of you who are lucky enough to not have it stuck in your head at random intervals, it's basically a stream of consciousness rant about paranoia that was released only because Rockwell is Berry Gordy's son, and because Michael Jackson sang the chorus (this fulfills the requirement that every blog, ever, have some reference to Michael Jackson on it in the year 2009), as it is pretty bad.
And yet...I've found myself relating to it, in a sad way, because I've sat through many an episode of All My Children lately asking myself, "They are doing this to me on purpose, aren't they? They just want to make me cry and they know how to make me do it". I'm sure that the terrible choices the AMC powers-that-be make are made solely to cause maximum pain and aggravation to the audience.
Marissa: No, I am, I am, but if Liza has been passing off your baby as hers, that means they all faked a baby's death.
David: That's a disturbing thought.
Marissa: Yeah, it's sick. I don't get how anyone could do that.
Luckily for Marissa, she can get one-on-one insight into the type of depraved mind that perpetuates fake baby death schemes. All she'd have to do is stand in the middle of the Yacht Club and throw a rock; odds are, she'd hit someone who faked a baby's death or was involved in the plot to cover it up. Seriously, when I was watching the opening credits today, I realized that the majority of the characters currrently on the AMC canvas have, at one point or another, been involved in perpetuating a dead baby lie. Which...REALLY, show? That's the BEST plot you can come up with? Dead babies? I shudder to think of what your home life is like.
This latest in the long string of dead baby stories has an added twist. Yes, in the year 2009, the AMC writers have discovered that you can buy and sell goods on the internet, which leads us to the existence of "Stuart" Colby. Since David's DNA does not match Liza's fake baby, I assume that her fake baby is actually one procured by Jake via that email exchange he had with a woman looking to give her baby up a few weeks back. Somehow, that adds an extra layer of awful to what was already an awful story, just because it is so patently ridiculous. Not that I expect "facts" and "laws" to in any way play into this show's storytelling but seriously, how about not assuming that your audience is a bunch of simpletons, writers?
Emma Lavery has an angelic little face, which makes it even more heartbreaking that she probably has the worst life ever. Her father is an emotionally abusive con-man who is prone to fits of violence, and who has introduced her to a handful of replacement mommies in the short time that she has even known him, among many other terrible traits. Her mother is criminally insane and deals with life's disappointments by stabbing and/or choking others. AND she is being written for by a terrible writing staff who has mistaken "utterly contrived and awful" for "edgy and entertaining".
So it's not surprising that she is maybe lying about seeing Kendall shoot Stuart* or that she is maybe possible the actual culprit**. What IS surprising is that these are her first criminal acts. With the genes she was blessed with, I'd have guessed that her first crime spree would have come much earlier.
*Is she lying? I think she is, either to cover for the mother who Ryan is so determined to see fry in the electric chair on any charge that he can make stick. She did confront him on his accusation that Annie killed Stuart, and then busted out with her Kendall revelation a few minutes later, or because...DUN DUN DUN**
**She killed Stuart. I have no idea how or why she would have killed him, and I'm not sure how it's possible that she is such a good shot (well, then again, there IS that criminal DNA), but she is my suspect number one. And she totally threw Replacement Mommy #(How many loves of Ryan's life has he had since he decided Annie was of no use? 2? 3? 8?) under the bus. That is some straight up diabolical masterminding right there.
Madison and Henry North intrigued the hell out of me, and I eagerly looked forward to learning more about them and their obviously sordid, unhappy marriage. And then the show went ahead and pissed away the most potential it has had in a while by making Henry a would-be rapist and having Madison kill him. I weep for what could have been!
(Actually, what could have been probably would have been terrible in the hands of these writers, so maybe an early death is the best thing that could have happened)
However...Madison talks like she is this long-suffering political wife, who has spent decades living with her husband's bad behavior, but grinning and bearing it for the sake of his career. Which is, of course, completely played out, both in real life and reel life, but...uh, isn't Stephanie Gatschet about 15 years too young to be playing this weary role? She's exactly two months older than I am! Enough with the "Oh, the things I've seen throughout my years of standing behind my man" face!
I do like her otherwise, though, and I am, of course, pro almost anything that involves more Jesse and Angie, but I need this story to just stop. I don't want to see Jesse continue to be ruined, and I surely don't want to see more of Denise Vasi trying to emote. She's so pretty, and she tries so hard, and it makes me profoundly uncomfortable to watch. I'd settle for the show just saying, "ADA North? Murdered? What? That never happened, he never existed" if need be. And then we can go back to Jesse being wonderful, and Randi being lovely scenery.
Whenever I am in line at the grocery store, or Target, I flip through the magazines (this can be dangerous, because it sometimes leads to awkward conversation with someone in line in front of or behind you who happens to see what you are reading and feels the need to talk to you about it; I have the kind of face that, apparently, says "Make small talk with me, stranger!". Like the time that I flipped through Soap Opera Weekly and the woman behind me asked if I watch General Hospital and I said yes, and she made a variety of breathless, swooning comments about Sonny and Jason and all I could do was muster a half-hearted, "...oh. You're the demographic Brian Frons is after. Oh.")
Anyway, when I read Life & Style, or OK!, and I see their "bump watches", I retch a little bit, because the term "baby bump" irks me (probably because it makes me think of The Black Eyed Peas song "My Humps") and because these pictures are all of stick thin women who are either wearing billowy tops or who have put on 0.02 ounces of weight. So when I was watching AMC the other day and wondered if Alicia Minshew was in the family way, I was horrified. Have I become one of them?! One minute, I am speculating about the status of someone's uterus, and the next, I am inventing real person fanfiction about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Slippery slope!
Or does she maybe look like she could be pregnant? So many questions, and so much hope that AMC does not write this into the show if it is true...
Speaking of Kendall:
Kendall: She's -- she's good. We might even win.
Zach: I'm glad you can see that.
Kendall: Yeah. Well, I also see that Liza's a liar, and you're still holding out on me. I don't understand, Zach. How did you get her to take the case? What, are you still sleeping with her again?
Zach: See, all I'm trying to do is help you, but you can't trust that. You just see betrayal.
Kendall: Zach, why don't you just admit it? You still want her.
Zach: We were together once when I was single. You -- uh-uh. You and Ryan had a full-blown love affair right here in this house while you were married to me. Don't talk to me about betrayal.
Um...call me crazy, but I still think "secretly fathering a child with your sister" is a bigger betrayal than "having an affair with the world's worst human being". I am totally with Zach on the equal parts of rage and despair that come with Kendall falling in love with Ryan again, but maybe he should have used deemed it an atrocity. Throwing the betrayal word out there after the events of last fall? Foolish.
However, he did make me laugh out loud, literally, with this:
Kendall: I went to see Ryan.
Zach: All right.
Kendall: Well, when I got there, I realized how stupid I was being, and I turned around to leave and then he saw me in the hallway.
Zach:Hey, Kendall, believe it or not, there are some things right now that are more important than your little visits to Ryan Lavery.
Ryan's all, "Actually, Zach, that's not the case at all. Nothing on the planet is more important than me."
Remember Stuart? The one who was murdered? Yeah, I think we are the only ones. Do you think the writers have chosen a culprit yet? As much as I am leaning towards Emma, I think it is more likely that they are just spinning their wheels and hoping that we all forget that this murder was even a thing.
Liza: I would also like a fresh start. I have a child now, and I don't want sleeping with your husband to be how my homecoming is remembered.
Well, if you didn't want your anonymous sex with Zach to be the biggest part of your homecoming, maybe you shouldn't have told the cameraman to WHAT FOLLOWS IS A DISTURBING MEMORY YOU MAY HAVE ATTEMPTED TO REPRESS do a lingering closeup of Zach slipping your panties off END OF REFERENCE TO POSSIBLY REPRESSED MEMORY
Oh, I'm sorry. You "brilliant lawyer". And "rock star":
Liza: Kendall, I am not like you and Erica. I don't need to possess every man that I meet. Zach needed a brilliant lawyer, and he got one.
Kendall: Modest as always.
Liza: You don't need modest. Kendall, you need driven, ambitious, and hungry. You know, your trial is gonna be on the front page every morning and lead the news every night, and when I win, you will not only be free, but I will be a rock star.
Bitch, you've been a lawyer for ten minutes, and you GAVE BIRTH TO A PILLOW. Get off your high horse!
I have the feeling that when Charles Pratt writes the name Liza, he dots the i with a heart, because his blind love of the character is that extreme.