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« Too Much Monkey Business | Main | Law & Disorder »

July 07, 2009

Port Charmless

What General Hospital lacks in reason, entertainment value, romance and soapiness, it makes up for with outdated pop culture references.

Dominante: Land Shark! Pizza!

Way to have your finger on the pulse, GH! And that allusion was thought to be so clever that it was made twice in one episode.

Michael: Yeah, I'm not into the whole "Dilbert" thing.

Edward: What Dilbert thing...what?

I like to think Edward's utter bafflement over the Dilbert shoutout was not unfamiliarity with the cartoon, but bewilderment that Michael, who was a tween as recently as May, is now namedropping Dilbert. I'm so sure!

Similarly, I'm so sure that groups of people would be fighting each other, spending massive amounts of money and mysteriously obtaining "temporary drivers licenses" in order to curry favor with Michael, who is a beast. Sonny and Carly should be trying to dump him on the Quartermaines, and Edward should not be having it, not least because having Michael live with the Qs means that Carly and Sonny will be dropping by and being angry at all hours of the day. Why did Sonny get so enraged that he rang the doorbell a few times and had to wait "like fifteen minutes" to be let in? With the way he stumbles over words, he'd have gotten a total of six syllables out in that time, so whatever, Sonny.

Drew Garrett is a great find and, to a point, Michael's obnoxiousness makes sense (two sociopathic parents + brain injury + coma + hormones - therapy x Bob Guza's writing style; the kid really didn't have a chance at becoming a functional human being), but holy hell, he is exhausting to watch.

Carly: And the sound system? Because I know you cranked it.

Michael: Yeah, wait till you hear it. Honestly, it'll probably make your 80's hair bands sound good.

Carly: Don't make fun of my music.

What kind of music do we think Carly listens to? I was going to say that I picture her as a Poison type of gal, but I don't want someone to get the sick idea to do a Rock of Love/GH crossover, because the combination of Sonny and Bret Michaels in one place would cause all of our television sets to contract syphilis and then explode.

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Alexis: Have either of you come up with alternative murder suspects in the Brianna Hughes case?

"Hey, adorable doctors discussing a confidential case pretty quietly but still being overheard by someone by the elevators*, how is the criminal investigation going? I'm so glad that I have doctors on retainer to do work like this since we don't have a police department."

I should not be complaining that Patrick and Robin have a story that is marginally hospital related and should instead be focusing my complaints on the notion that Spinelli is more involved in this story than Matt, the doctor being sued for malpractice, but come on! At least PRETEND that the police are involved in a criminal investigation. This show's disdain for law enforcement is endlessly bizarre.

As is this show's disdain for common sense. So, Andrea Floyd sneaks into Alexis's house (I thought that Sonny at least paid lip service to having guards at Alexis's house, but since Dominante showed up, I guess that's not the case) and starts, what, framing Alexis with emails and documents? O...kay. I'm assuming that the fact that Alexis and Molly were at the movies at the time and will have the movie tickets and witnesses to confirm that fact will play no part in the police's Robin and Patrick's investigation and that we are in for Alexis's murder and eventual conviction/death sentence.

*Do you think Martha Byrne and Steve Burton have had conversations about what it's like to draw a paycheck for staring blankly for an entire episode?

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Maxie: Oh, no, Spinelli, I like how you look in a towel. It makes me want to jump your bones.

Her

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Yesterday's show also included many hallmarks of a classic GH episode:

  • Ripoffs of prior storylines; as reader Lisa noted in the comments, the Kristina/Dominante situation is a retread of the Lulu/Ethan situation, complete with awkward brother/sister flirting. I know that they see it as a "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" situation and figure they shouldn't expend any effort on doing something new, but...um, it's broke, guys.  
  • New ways to say "slut"

Claudia: Listen, you Bensonhurst slag heap.

  • Women fighting over Sonny. Ostensibly for other reasons, but really over Sonny

Claudia: I've had enough of you barging into my house and into my life trying to impress everybody with how well you know Sonny Corinthos. This is not Bensonhurst back in the day. This is Port Charles, circa now. You and your precious past with my husband, it's irrelevant, Olivia. You don't have any business here.

Olivia: Wrong again, Claudia. But what's new?

At least they are putting a new twist on the concept of a love quadrangle by having two participants be siblings. I didn't say it was a GOOD twist, just that it was a new twist.

  • Romanticized shots of two mobsters donning bulletproof guests and then killing people. Kudos to the show for the hilarity of Johnny calling Jason "Butch", but come on, am I supposed to be impressed that two mobsters are putting their lives in danger? And am I supposed to be scared that Jason will wind up dead? The man could survive a nuclear holocaust!
  • A woman being caught off guard and attacked. Hilariously, this is just Dominante's way of greeting his mother. ELL OH ELL.

I hate this show.

Comments

The truth-telling awesomeness of this post is exaccerbated by the inspired presence of Jason Bateman. Kudos, Mallory!

I don't intend this as a "if you hate the show so much, why watch" comment, but...

Do any of us left watching hold out any real hope that this show's going to get fixed at this point? I might have rationalized myself into that a few years back, but at this point I think we can agree that ship has probably sailed.

Is it time to let go?

(I ask this having finally given up on AMC this year, and frankly feel pretty good about that call.)

I am SO tired of Claudia mentioning Bensonhurst EVERY time she addresses Olivia. Yes, Claudia we know this already! It doesn't put an extra sting on the "insult" so why do it? And Claudia always says that it's HER house while Sonny just stands there and says nothing. I always feel like I'm watching the same scene over and over and over again.

And WTF was up with the mayor's wife randomly "breaking" into Alexis' house? She already knows that Alexis slept with her husband so what is she hoping to find? It's not like Alexis is dumb enough to leave some incriminating or embarrassing information lying around. Or maybe now she is stupid enough to do that because this show sucks.

Is it any wonder I love you both? We go from an Office judgment of the suck that is AMC to an AD one of GH. Brilliance!

I don't watch the dung heap known as GH anymore except for Scrubs clips. And even those are really not all that must-see. The only part of their story that I like at all so far is that they are working together & not against each other. Otherwise it's just too stupid to be entertaining.

This post was genius, and then you added a Bluth! There is no word for how much I adore you.

I forced my friend Peter to watch yesterday's episode of GH with me after dinner. He was NOT happy about it. But I cooked so he was my prisoner, as are most men who can't make anything other than cold cereal if you feed them well. The wine didn't hurt either.

It was a relief to have company to my evening's madness via my TiVo. He took to snarky very well, being gay helped ;-) We ripped apart the show of course, here are a few excerpts from our evening.

Peter-"What kind of pussy mobsters wear kevlar? Didn't the douche bags who write this show see The Mexican with Brad Pitt and James Gandolfini? And even if they do wear bullet proof vests, no way in hell would they not try to hide them between their girdles and Member's Only jackets!"

Sarah-"Fuckin' A! They look like FBI or ATF agents. Which only makes sense cuz on GH the mobsters and hit men are the heroes."

Peter-"Why is the dude pulling out the late 70's SNL "land shark" reference trying to flirt w/ Hannah Montana little sister? How many generations separate these two? He's old enough to be her Daddy. I get he's a criminal, but a pedophile too? I miss Dynasty."

Sarah-"He's not her Daddy, he's her brother, it's just good old GH incest. It's PC's new swine flu. And in real time that girl isn't 16 but SIX. And he's a thirty year old son to a 40 year old Cougar."

If you insist on watching GH like I still do, viewing it after a good meal with lots of yummy wine with a bitchy funny friend is the best way to do it and still maintain your sanity. Claudia's nostril flaring alone gave us twenty minutes of belly laughs and tipsy giggle snorts.

not to mention how freaking loud was Andrea when breaking in? I think deaf pigmyes on the equator heard her!

I've been puzzled as to why Patrick who is also named in the malpractice suit has been allowed to read the autoposy report at his leisure at home...while Matt has been locked out by the (speaking of random and total disregard for law enforcement) Cheif of GH Security BDW!!!! With Lando in charge Toxic Balls Part 2 can't be far behind.

If the UN could pass a humanitarian act to never EVER mention anything to do with Spinelli and having sex in a sentence EVER AGAIN unless it's to referrence how that cartoon would NEVER get any.....I would be most grateful.

I just want to know where you get these awesome Office and AD reaction shots. Is there a magical archive of such wonderfulness somewhere?

Meanwhile, I don't watch the show anymore but did manage to slip past the channel yesterday just as Dominante made his "Land Shark" reference. . . I didn't actually understand what he said at first, though. It seems he inherited his daddy's mumbling abilities. I cannot imagine how Sonny won't know he's his kid from first stutter.

I noticed that you nary a mention of the whole Nik/Rebecca/Ethan nonsense which is probably for the best.

GH now is like if Ed Wood wrote soaps (heh, another outdated pop culture reference for GH to steal)...oh who am I kidding? Even Ed Wood could write better crap than this.

I stopped watching GH about a year ago, but I happened to see a couple of the Spinelli/Maxie scenes. I'm all for soaps pairing up physically average soap characters (i.e. OLTL's Marcy) and I could even buy a woman like Maxie dating someone with Spinelli's looks, but NOT someone with Spinelli's personality and way of speaking. I'd find it more plausible that it's all a Helena Cassadine or Faison plot than that Maxie would find someone with Spinelli's "quirks" attractive at all!

I've removed GH from my DVR this week. I've had enough and my head hurts. I just don't care about these people anymore. I'll probably follow your updates because I enjoy it better than the show.

I've been partially watching the show the last few days, as there is very little else on at night when it runs on SoapNet. What really baffled me (aside from the shoddy plotting) was that anyone on the GH set could remotely think that watching two guys get ready to go ambush and kill what is essentially a rival gang - and then actually doing it - is entertaining for the daytime audience. Or that watching the daily adventures of a spoiled brat is what everyone looks forward to every afternoon. Or that anyone with a half a mind thinks Sonny is still some hot piece of ass that women have to fight over. What I really want to know is if Maurice Benard reallizes what a douche Sonny is and has been for the last several years.

Sarah, I love your One Girl, One Gay Friend, and One Shitty Show recap. LOL!!!

I'm gonna follow in your footsteps. Starting with the wine. LOL!!

It is with great shame and a heavy heart that I disagree with anyone on this blog, but I heart landshark. But the line only endeared Dante to me, not the effing show. Besides, I know I'll hate him as soon as he falls in love with Pappa Sonny and his magical impregnanting sperm, like everyone else in the entire (GH) world. Boo.
And the fact that Lucy and Ned are off to other soaps makes me realize that those people aren't retired, they want to work, and this crapfest show didn't snatch them back up. Or maybe Lynn and Wally just realize they're too good for it.
I can't believe I'm still letting this show depress me.

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