What General Hospital lacks in reason, entertainment value, romance and soapiness, it makes up for with outdated pop culture references.
Dominante: Land Shark! Pizza!
Way to have your finger on the pulse, GH! And that allusion was thought to be so clever that it was made twice in one episode.
Michael: Yeah, I'm not into the whole "Dilbert" thing.
Edward: What Dilbert thing...what?
I like to think Edward's utter bafflement over the Dilbert shoutout was not unfamiliarity with the cartoon, but bewilderment that Michael, who was a tween as recently as May, is now namedropping Dilbert. I'm so sure!
Similarly, I'm so sure that groups of people would be fighting each other, spending massive amounts of money and mysteriously obtaining "temporary drivers licenses" in order to curry favor with Michael, who is a beast. Sonny and Carly should be trying to dump him on the Quartermaines, and Edward should not be having it, not least because having Michael live with the Qs means that Carly and Sonny will be dropping by and being angry at all hours of the day. Why did Sonny get so enraged that he rang the doorbell a few times and had to wait "like fifteen minutes" to be let in? With the way he stumbles over words, he'd have gotten a total of six syllables out in that time, so whatever, Sonny.
Drew Garrett is a great find and, to a point, Michael's obnoxiousness makes sense (two sociopathic parents + brain injury + coma + hormones - therapy x Bob Guza's writing style; the kid really didn't have a chance at becoming a functional human being), but holy hell, he is exhausting to watch.
Carly: And the sound system? Because I know you cranked it.
Michael: Yeah, wait till you hear it. Honestly, it'll probably make your 80's hair bands sound good.
Carly: Don't make fun of my music.
What kind of music do we think Carly listens to? I was going to say that I picture her as a Poison type of gal, but I don't want someone to get the sick idea to do a Rock of Love/GH crossover, because the combination of Sonny and Bret Michaels in one place would cause all of our television sets to contract syphilis and then explode.
Alexis: Have either of you come up with alternative murder suspects in the Brianna Hughes case?
"Hey, adorable doctors discussing a confidential case pretty quietly but still being overheard by someone by the elevators*, how is the criminal investigation going? I'm so glad that I have doctors on retainer to do work like this since we don't have a police department."
I should not be complaining that Patrick and Robin have a story that is marginally hospital related and should instead be focusing my complaints on the notion that Spinelli is more involved in this story than Matt, the doctor being sued for malpractice, but come on! At least PRETEND that the police are involved in a criminal investigation. This show's disdain for law enforcement is endlessly bizarre.
As is this show's disdain for common sense. So, Andrea Floyd sneaks into Alexis's house (I thought that Sonny at least paid lip service to having guards at Alexis's house, but since Dominante showed up, I guess that's not the case) and starts, what, framing Alexis with emails and documents? O...kay. I'm assuming that the fact that Alexis and Molly were at the movies at the time and will have the movie tickets and witnesses to confirm that fact will play no part in
the police's Robin and Patrick's investigation and that we are in for Alexis's murder and eventual conviction/death sentence.
*Do you think Martha Byrne and Steve Burton have had conversations about what it's like to draw a paycheck for staring blankly for an entire episode?
Maxie: Oh, no, Spinelli, I like how you look in a towel. It makes me want to jump your bones.
Yesterday's show also included many hallmarks of a classic GH episode:
- Ripoffs of prior storylines; as reader Lisa noted in the comments, the Kristina/Dominante situation is a retread of the Lulu/Ethan situation, complete with awkward brother/sister flirting. I know that they see it as a "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" situation and figure they shouldn't expend any effort on doing something new, but...um, it's broke, guys.
- New ways to say "slut"
Claudia: Listen, you Bensonhurst slag heap.
- Women fighting over Sonny. Ostensibly for other reasons, but really over Sonny
Claudia: I've had enough of you barging into my house and into my life trying to impress everybody with how well you know Sonny Corinthos. This is not Bensonhurst back in the day. This is Port Charles, circa now. You and your precious past with my husband, it's irrelevant, Olivia. You don't have any business here.
Olivia: Wrong again, Claudia. But what's new?
At least they are putting a new twist on the concept of a love quadrangle by having two participants be siblings. I didn't say it was a GOOD twist, just that it was a new twist.
- Romanticized shots of two mobsters donning bulletproof guests and then killing people. Kudos to the show for the hilarity of Johnny calling Jason "Butch", but come on, am I supposed to be impressed that two mobsters are putting their lives in danger? And am I supposed to be scared that Jason will wind up dead? The man could survive a nuclear holocaust!
- A woman being caught off guard and attacked. Hilariously, this is just Dominante's way of greeting his mother. ELL OH ELL.
I hate this show.