Too Much Monkey Business
"That," I declared dramatically two minutes into today's episode of All My Children, "is a TERRIBLE idea that makes not one bit of sense." I had barely finished scoffing at the first scene of the show when all of a sudden, there was ANOTHER bizarre, under-written and woefully ill-advised plot. And then ANOTHER.
And then all of a sudden it took Jesse three minutes to get from Pine Valley to Washington D.C. and I realized...the writers totally write scripts on napkins, on the fly, don't they? Because I've given up even entertaining the idea that this group of writers gives their plot-driven messes masquerading as "soap opera storylines" anything more than one moment's thought, and that thought is usually, "so this is going to happen and it will be awesome. How will it happen? Not my problem." I also imagine that they call each other "bro" all the time.
Henry North: intriguing new character; played by an actor who outshines 90% of the cast; has potential to be a long-term villain or the subject of a rehabilitation.
NATURALLY they made him an almost-rapist and then killed him off, setting up what is certain to be a terrible story about coverups and family secrets that will only lead to Frankie whining again, some more. "Can't wait"! At least Kieran Campion and his amazing name are now freed up to do work in a higher quality production such as Barney or street performance art.
Randi panicking over leaving her earring in North's hotel room was amusing because it's not like that's the only link to her in there, since her fingerprints will be on the killer bookend. Along with Madison's. But maybe Madison doesn't have fingerprints, since she is obviously some sort of extraterrestrial who can be in Pine Valley, then jet to DC to kill her husband, and then immediately be back in Pine Valley to make vague hints about killing her husband to Zach.
Kendall goes through the trouble of running away, and then climbing up the fire escape to see Ryan (!!!), who she "needs" (I prefer to read that scene as her saying "I need you" with "...to die" implied at the end, but that's just me), and Ryan, the greatest man who ever lived, promises to keep her secret by...screaming her name the second Erica left the penthouse? She was barely two steps away from the door! Way to go Ryan! You fail at secrets.
(BTW, Erica and Ryan's growing closeness is the most terrible idea in a long line of terrible ideas that I just...I can't talk about it yet. My reaction is something like this
mixed with revulsion)
Adam's new security system, complete with sullen, burly security guards, doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot of good, since people still come in and out as they please and can also refuse to leave the premises if they don't want to (I mean, it is perfectly in character for Erica to ignore their demands, but still). I mean, Kendall is going to trial for Stuart's murder, and she, of all people, waltzes in? Come on, Adam, you're better than that! ...or is he? His faith in Annie is worrisome to me.
Actually, this whole story is worrisome to me, especially since Stuart's murder has pretty much become little more than a new venue for the show to play its time-honored Ryan/Kendall/Zach/Annie foursome. Adam gets a few lines here and there about Stuart being his heart and missing him, but don't you think we are overdue some long David Canary soliloquies about it? I do! And shouldn't more people be searching for Stuart's killer? Ryan and Zach only care about pinning the murder on Annie so that Kendall is off the hook...they don't seem to be at all concerned with bringing Stuart's murderer to justice. Can't JR and Scott do some investigative work? That would be more than a little awesome, which is probably why it won't happen.
My continuing horror at the massive amount of stupidity involved in the "Pillow Pregnancy/Fake Dead Baby" story is old news at this point, but I have to share: lately, whenever I attempt to type the name Liza, I wind up typing Lita, which naturally makes me think of Lita Ford and "Kiss Me Deadly", perhaps the sleaziest song of all time, which makes it the perfect theme song for this version of Liza. I may begin to refer to her as Lita at all times, both to underscore the inherent skankitude in this version of Ms. Colby, and because it will save me the effort of deleting the "t" and substituting the "z". Yes, it takes all of two seconds, but that's like, three times the amount of effort the writers exert, and I don't feel like I should have to work harder than they do!