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« Soap Blog Coalition | Main | Tainted Love »

July 17, 2009

How Is It That Not Even One Of Her Many Personalities Is Watchable?

It is a truth universally acknowledged that, for General Hospital, thinking in advance means "thinking five minutes ahead". This steadfast inability to plan extends to the creation of new characters, all of whom are introduced with a great deal of fanfare in the soap press but none of whom receive a second thought in terms of character development, place on canvas, character history or purpose. Nowhere is this clearer than in the existence of Claudia Zacchara, who has gone through at least 96 characterizations since she joined the show. Everything about her entire "How dare you say I planned to get pregnant to save myself?/HAHA, remember how I poked holes in condoms to get pregnant to save myself? Good times/ You jerk! How could you think I got pregnant to save myself?!" persona screams of massive rewrites and people flailing around trying to think of ways to make this character work.

Right? Because the alternative, that this was all planned, is terrifying. I can only imagine what would have happened when Bob Guza tried to sell this character to Sarah Brown...

Divider

BOB GUZA: So, Claudia, she's great. She's a cutthroat mafia princess who wants her own stake in the family business and will do whatever it takes to get it.

SARAH BROWN: Sounds good!

BOB GUZA: No, wait, she still wants all that, but she wants Sonny, too!

SARAH BROWN: Well, yeah, okay. Maurice and I work together really well, so I'd love to see that.

BOB GUZA: Also, she just wants to be loved.

SARAH BROWN: I can play that. I have played that before, heh.

BOB GUZA: It's her against the world! All the women who are independent, throw your hands up at me!

SARAH BROWN: This is me with my hands in the air, Bob!

BOB GUZA: Watch her order mob hits left and right!

SARAH BROWN: That is kind of being independent, yeah, okay.

BOB GUZA: And then she gets a kid SHOT IN THE HEAD!

SARAH BROWN: Oh. Oh, she does that. Oh.

BOB GUZA: What's that sound I hear, Sarah? Oh, right, that's your Emmy reel saying, "Hey, girl, put this child coma causing stuff on me!" Can I get a what-what?

SARAH BROWN: ...I don't think people still say that.

BOB GUZA: But Claudia feels bad about Michael getting shot. She cries about it, Sarah! She cries!

SARAH BROWN: Tears! I can do tears! So she's sad and guilty--

BOB GUZA: What's another word for slut?

SARAH BROWN: Pardon?

BOB GUZA: Is there another word that means slut?

SARAH BROWN: Like...tramp?

BOB GUZA: YES! Let me write that down, hold on a sec...t-r-a-m-p

SARAH BROWN: What does this have to do with Claudia?

BOB GUZA: Oh, she's a total whore.

SARAH BROWN: How so?

BOB GUZA: Oh, man, she just...she just is. Like, when she was a teenager, she seduced a man in his 40s, just for kicks. And, you know, she just does slutty things in slutty ways.

SARAH BROWN: Oh.

BOB GUZA: A ho fo' sho.

SARAH BROWN: Yeah.

BOB GUZA: The town bicycle.

SARAH BROWN: Right.

BOB GUZA: Move over, Sleepy's, there's a new mattress professional in town.

SARAH BROWN: Oh, you're still going. Okay.

BOB GUZA: S to the lutty.

SARAH BROWN: Wow.

BOB GUZA: And then she's with Nikolas.

SARAH BROWN: Oh! That sounds great! I'd love to work with Tyler Christopher--

BOB GUZA: And then she's with Ric.

SARAH BROWN: Hey, Rick Hearst is great, too. He's a multiple Emmy winner!

BOB GUZA: Yeah, whatever. And then she marries Sonny.

SARAH BROWN: She...wait, what?

BOB GUZA: She marries Sonny.

SARAH BROWN: The father of the boy she put into a coma.

BOB GUZA: Hell yeah. That's what we in the business like to call a shocking twist.

SARAH BROWN: Twisted, yeah.

BOB GUZA: She only cares about herself. It's all about self preservation with this one.

SARAH BROWN: So the steely, independent Claudia has a marriage of convenience to garner herself some power--

BOB GUZA: And love. She just wants to be loved.

SARAH BROWN: She loves Sonny?

BOB GUZA: Everybody loves Sonny.

SARAH BROWN: But does she love Sonny, or does she want Sonny's power?

BOB GUZA: Yes.

SARAH BROWN: Yes, she loves Sonny, or yes, she wants Sonny's power?

BOB GUZA: Half.

SARAH BROWN: Huh?

BOB GUZA: But she wants Sonny the most.

SARAH BROWN: Right, right...uh, why, is that, again?

BOB GUZA: Because everybody wants Sonny.

SARAH BROWN: Yeah, you said that, but--

BOB GUZA: And it's hilarious, because Sonny treats her with blatant contempt.

SARAH BROWN: Oh.

BOB GUZA: I'm talking some serious LOLs here.

SARAH BROWN: Right.

BOB GUZA: You know, like laughing out loud?

SARAH BROWN: Yeah, I got that.

BOB GUZA: Like, he HATES her. If she were on fire, he'd laugh and throw a fire extinguisher out the window in front of her. Because of the hate.

SARAH BROWN: Is this because he knows she put his son in a coma?

BOB GUZA: No.

SARAH BROWN: So the pure hatred is because--

BOB GUZA: Do you really not get it? It's because she's a woman.

SARAH BROWN: He hates her because she's a woman?!

BOB GUZA: I said because she's a terrible woman.

SARAH BROWN: You didn't say terrible.

BOB GUZA: Yes, I did.

SARAH BROWN: ...

BOB GUZA: And then she thinks Sonny's going to try to kill her, and why wouldn't he? Amirite? High five! So she tries to get pregnant.

SARAH BROWN: So she traps him--

BOB GUZA: Like, hanging upside down, cutting holes in condoms, real crazy shit going on.

SARAH BROWN: Right. Okay, so she's crazy and obsessed with getting pregnant.

BOB GUZA: Because she wants to have a baby! She'd get so insulted if anyone thought she tried to trap Sonny.

SARAH BROWN: You just said that she got pregnant to prevent Sonny from killing her.

BOB GUZA: Correct.

SARAH BROWN: And then you said she wants to have a baby and DOESN'T want to trap Sonny.

BOB GUZA: Affirmative.

SARAH BROWN: That makes no sense.

BOB GUZA: Because she's a slut.

SARAH BROWN: What the fuck?

BOB GUZA: That's what she said.

SARAH BROWN: That makes zero sense in this context.

BOB GUZA: But that is what she said!

Comments

Oh. My. God. I can't breathe. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Effing hilarious. Your faux conversations are my favorite posts ever. "A ho fo' sho." Hee!

S to the lutty! Hahahahaha. Pure genius as always.

It's so funny because it's true

I can't believe Sarah Brown puts up with this stuff

Thank you SO much for the laugh! That is hilarious! :D

SARAH BROWN: Yes, she loves Sonny, or yes, she wants Sonny's power?

BOB GUZA: Half.

OMFG. Classic. LOL. You have got to do more Guza interviews. I'm loving this.

Great post Mal. I especially enjoyed the s to the lutty part.

Depressingly hilarious. We should tweet Sarah and ask her how close this is to the pitch Guza gave her.

SARAH BROWN: So the pure hatred is because-
BOB GUZA: Do you really not get it? It's because she's a woman.
SARAH BROWN: He hates her because she's a woman?!
BOB GUZA: I said because she's a terrible woman.
SARAH BROWN: You didn't say terrible.
BOB GUZA: Yes, I did.
SARAH BROWN: ...

I think that pretty much sums up this show and the people that run it (into the ground).

So funny, I could barely finishing reading it. This should definately make your 2009 Year in Review post!

This should be a regularly updated conversation, it's hilarious! Guza hasn't told her about her incesty feelings for lil' Johnny yet :-) Or her wardrobe and the reasons behind it...

BG-"You wear skin tight pleather and cheap red stilettos like all the time, cuz u a beyotch!"

SB-"OoooKayyy... what color is all that pleather?"

BG-"Black of course, because you're the Queen of Evil. But we love you cuz u love Sonny."

SB-"Still not clear on how you define love, but OK. Does she have any friends or allies?"

BG-"Johnny, but he'd rather bang his bro in law's whore and OG baby mama than deal w/ your batshit crazy self. And we'll do one scene where you and newest Carly aka St. Carly are friends for like a minute before she hates you too. You'll bond for like a second over your hatred of women, focussed on Kate. How funny is that right? Because you're original recipe evil slut OG Carly and she is the new and improved evil slut Carly who even though she has a vag, we actually like her. She is the only female on the show we like because she worships Jason and Sonny properly."

SB-"But I'll get lots of screen time right?"

BG-"Yup."

SB-"I'm in!"

Dude. You forgot to mention she'd have a father on-screen who would repeatedly remind her she's a big ol' slut. And that she would have a very "Flowers in the Attic" kind of vibe with her brother. How could you miss such huge selling points?

:P

This was definitely one of your funniest posts. Sad, but hilarious. Much like GH these days, except that I'm pretty sure that most of what I laugh at on GH isn't really meant to be funny...

I don't know how you managed to do it, but this post is accurate, hilarious and sad all at the same time. I hate Claudia, and am amazed that Guza managed to create a more annoying, time suck, mob-based character than Sonny, but he did. At this point the most I can hope for is that one day Sonny and Claudia will shoot each other, each believing the other is a burglar and I can start to watch GH again. This show sucks.

I started off laughing while reading your post and then ending up crying. Not sure if that was your desired effect but there you go. As a woman, as a soap fan, and as a GH fan, it's just all kinds of wrong going on right now on this show in general and with Claudia specifically. For a character who was suppose to embody women power, at least that's what I thought, Claudia has turned out to be one of the most pathetic examples of a woman I've seen in a daytime for a while and I really can't imagine why TPTB think for one second that this character and how she's treated would emplore folks to tune in. Are they crazy?

As the convo went on it was like this slow building laughter. I felt like Sarah Brown within your little dialogue piece - realizing how this was growing more and more ridiculous with each new lame non-thought-out-idea by the Guza. By the end I was in tears laughing.

You are so awesome! I always know if I need a good laugh to come here.

Well done, Mallory. Now I desperately want this dialogue mixed with that text-to-animated movie software that's sweeping YouTube. Hilarious!

Let's not forget Claudia's icky touchy-feely obsessive relationship with her brother. Add that to the Guza/Sarah conversation.

OMG!! this was soo funny and awesome at the same time!! i could just almost picture this interview really happening!
love, love your post Mallory!!
thanks!!

ahahahaha, i can really imagine bob guza having that conversation!

I remember the first few episodes Claudia was on - wearing red (wasn't that her thing? Why is she in black all the time now?), strong, independent, in charge, calm, cool, collected - Sonny was a diversion for her. I saw a couple of episodes this week and she's always - ALWAYS - on level 10 - screaming, shouting, crying, angry, defiant, petulant - what happened? I lover Sarah Brown - in her scenes, there always seems to be something else going on beneath what you are seeing but Claudia is a difficult character to pull off. She is written so badly, so harshly, and is treated so harshly by Sonny that even when you start, maybe want to feel sorry for her, she is so in your face that you get repelled by her.

And let me ask, for the umpteenth year in a row - what does ANYONE see in Sonny? He's a petty little bully who thinks all women are attracted to him (and sadly, as written, they are - but there is absolutely no justification for that desire; there's nothing attractive about him). Half the women he toys with, the other half he calls slut. A real prize.

I understand the Sonny of way, way yore to a small degree. The audience was just getting to know him, he seemed to have a softer side - perhaps the mob wasn't really for him. He had a heart - buried under a lot of crap - but it seemed to be there. Twelve, thirteen years later - not so much. Not at all. Sonny is a deadly dull man who has consistently put his family second to his mob life despite all the danger and near death they face. His treatment of women is deplorable. He holds them to standards they he, himself doesn't meet. He sleeps around and gets a least one woman pregnant a year and hey, he's Sonny. Yet, a woman does the same thing, she's a slut.

Regarding Claudia's wardrobe, the costume designer is actually doing a great job with it. Claudia is one-dimensional, harsh, and angry——and so is her wardrobe, therefore, her wardrobe is illuminating her character. But maybe things are looking up. She wore brown——isn't that exciting, brown!——for her amnio. Perhaps that's a sign that Claudia is finally going to be allowed to gain a little dimension and lighten up a bit. After all, all-black is harsh and off-putting, but brown is warm and inviting.

A week ago, she was wearing teeny-tiny-tight leather pants and a teeny-tiny-tight leather jacket and was approximately 2" wide when measured front to back. By Friday, she looked six months pregnant.

So realistic, Guza. Thanks for offending the sensibilities of every woman who has ever been pregnant. Okay, basically offending the sensibilities of anyone with a vagina.

Poor Sarah Brown almost seems desperate on Twitter and Facebook - like she KNOWS she's been written for BADLY and that her character is hated (and not in that "Alexis Carrington, love to hate" kind of way). I know it's a job, but she's got to be ready to put Drano in Guza's coffee.....

OMG LMFAO!!! Sorry about the implied language but there's no other way to react...I am one of the now FORMER watchers of GH...broke the habit...watched GH since I was a kid, was a family "tradition" with my mom, grandmother, and then me...Then Bob Guza came along. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeh. I absolutely still come on the site to catch your blogs--brilliant and sadly true!!! Thanks for the continued laughs :)

The real LOL comes from reading this - which is far smarter and funnier than anything GH has done in ages. Thank you!

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