Where "ABCD" Stands for "Always Babies & Children in Danger"
A word to the wise: never tune into the non-One Life to Live ABC soaps when you're feeling any less than one hundred percent thrilled with life, because the sheer scope of tragedy and suffering on All My Children and General Hospital will cause anybody to contemplate slitting their wrists. Of course, a quicker word to the wise would be "Never tune into the non-One Life to Live ABC soaps", period.
Today, for example, AMC and GH brought us the following:
- Two (2) miscarriages
- One (1) child so traumatized by being interrogated about witnessing a murder that she becomes near catatonic
- Two (2) toddlers who, thanks to the buffoonery and poorly thought out plans of their parents, could wind up orphans (or, worse, raised by Ryan) when their parents are eventually incarcerated
- One (1) teenager berated by his father for his part in a car accident
How delightfully entertaining, right? I really want Bob Guza and Charles Pratt to donate their brains to science.
Frankie and Randi lost their baby today. Their baby, remember, who was the impetus for Jesse deciding "Brain? Ethics? Who needs 'em?"and opting to cover up Henry North's murder (you know, the one obviously committed in self defense) in the most half-assed, ludicrous way possible. And Sonny and Claudia's baby did not survive Claudia's car accident, as we all sort of knew he wouldn't; that fetus has had a target on its back since he was conceived.
Despite the fact that neither of these couples are fit to be parents (Frankie and Randi, between them, have an IQ of maybe 60, and Sociopaths on Parade...well, it goes without saying that serial murder would have been in that child's future, and the only question is where he would bury the bodies. Of course, with Port Charles's flawed moral system, it's also possible that he would be elected president), it's not like miscarriages are fun to watch. Because they're not. They're depressing, and upsetting and--oh, right, played the hell out on both of these shows.
I will say that Sarah Brown, at least, did a predictably good job with Claudia's scenes today. Cornelius Smith and Denise Vasi tried, and Maurice Benard...was physically present in his scenes.
One (1) child so traumatized by being interrogated about witnessing a murder that she becomes near catatonic
Witnessing a murder...or committing one! Yeah, I've still got my eye on you, Emma, you adorable blonde moppet.
At any rate, you know how I would describe the scenes of a withdrawn Emma being badgered by the new DA while Ryan glares contemptuously at the world in the background? Uncomfortable. Not least because the new ADA seems to have acting skills on par with Lucy Merriam!
Two (2) toddlers who, thanks to the buffoonery and poorly thought out plans of their parents, could wind up orphans (or, worse, raised by Ryan) when their parents are eventually incarcerated
There are times when I think Kendall and Zach can do no wrong, and then there are times that they make me shout, aloud, to an empty room a question along the lines of "What the hell is wrong with you?" that, because I'm so irritated and confused, comes out like "Whahewrwoooo?"
Kendall wants to confess to a crime that she did not, or maybe kind of did, commit in an effort to spare her children the pain of their mother...having a 50/50 chance of being convicted of murder in a trial spearheaded by a ADA who seems intellectually stunted and a police department that IS intellectually stunted, with hardly any evidence and a boatload of other possible culprits. The girl needs a serious tough love session. And while normally, I'd mean that as some sort of dirty joke about her and Zach, I actually mean it as in someone needs to sit her down and slap some sense into her.
And then there is Zach, who is going full throttle in his efforts to keep Kendall out of jail that he decides the best possible way to do that is frame Annie for attempting to shoot at Adam? REALLY? REALLY? That is the most terrible idea since Jesse's "We have to make it look like a car accident, so let's make sure we take great care to buckle his seatbelt" plan. In other words, it is bizarre, WTFy, and has the stench of Pratt all over it. You know how George Bluth on Arrested Developmentonce opined that you should "never promise crazy a baby?" I will take it a step further and offer that you should never try to frame a crazy for murder, especially when crazy's favorite habit of late is fondling fireplace pokers and fantasizing about hurting her enemies.
Poor Spike and Ian. I have a terrible vision of them being raised by Ryan and Erica while Kendall and Zach are either imprisoned or being evaluated at a psychiatric facility. That vision makes me cry.
One (1) teenager berated by his father for his part in a car accident
Of course Michael driving recklessly and then leaving the scene is a bad idea, but you know who is also to blame? The father who gives his teenage son a car, despite the son having a brain injury, poor impulse control, and violent fits of anger. DUH. That's like drilling it into your child's head that all problems can be solved with a bullet. Oh, wait, Sonny also did exactly that and it got his fiancee shot (she existed, right? That phantom Kate person with the adorable hair and the multiple bullet wounds? I hope I didn't hallucinate that). Yes, Michael is insanely terrible* and in the wrong, but Sonny is all of those things and more, times infinity.
Also, was Sonny even speaking English during the heated confrontation with Michael? If he was, it was obviously some form of a Cajun-English hybrid coupled with a speech impediment.
*I did quite enjoy how meta this statement was
Michael: I wreck everything and everyone around me
It's funny because it's true! The character of Michael has actively ruined multiple characters, entire families and his sordid paternity scandal was the turning point that moved GH from a soap opera to a crappy show about the mob living in a town that also has a hospital.