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« History Whitewashing Itself | Main | Watch Out Victor: Vivian Is Back In Town »

July 27, 2009

Where "ABCD" Stands for "Always Babies & Children in Danger"

A word to the wise: never tune into the non-One Life to Live ABC soaps when you're feeling any less than one hundred percent thrilled with life, because the sheer scope of tragedy and suffering on All My Children and General Hospital will cause anybody to contemplate slitting their wrists. Of course, a quicker word to the wise would be "Never tune into the non-One Life to Live ABC soaps", period.

Today, for example, AMC and GH brought us the following:

  • Two (2) miscarriages
  • One (1) child so traumatized by being interrogated about witnessing a murder that she becomes near catatonic
  • Two (2) toddlers who, thanks to the buffoonery and poorly thought out plans of their parents, could wind up orphans (or, worse, raised by Ryan) when their parents are eventually incarcerated
  • One (1) teenager berated by his father for his part in a car accident

How delightfully entertaining, right? I really want Bob Guza and Charles Pratt to donate their brains to science.

Two (2) miscarriages
 

Frankie and Randi lost their baby today. Their baby, remember, who was the impetus for Jesse deciding "Brain? Ethics? Who needs 'em?"and opting to cover up Henry North's murder (you know, the one obviously committed in self defense) in the most half-assed, ludicrous way possible. And Sonny and Claudia's baby did not survive Claudia's car accident, as we all sort of knew he wouldn't; that fetus has had a target on its back since he was conceived.

Despite the fact that neither of these couples are fit to be parents (Frankie and Randi, between them, have an IQ of maybe 60, and Sociopaths on Parade...well, it goes without saying that serial murder would have been in that child's future, and the only question is where he would bury the bodies. Of course, with Port Charles's flawed moral system, it's also possible that he would be elected president), it's not like miscarriages are fun to watch. Because they're not. They're depressing, and upsetting and--oh, right, played the hell out on both of these shows.

I will say that Sarah Brown, at least, did a predictably good job with Claudia's scenes today. Cornelius Smith and Denise Vasi tried, and Maurice Benard...was physically present in his scenes.

One (1) child so traumatized by being interrogated about witnessing a murder that she becomes near catatonic

Witnessing a murder...or committing one! Yeah, I've still got my eye on you, Emma, you adorable blonde moppet.

At any rate, you know how I would describe the scenes of a withdrawn Emma being badgered by the new DA while Ryan glares contemptuously at the world in the background? Uncomfortable. Not least because the new ADA seems to have acting skills on par with Lucy Merriam!

Two (2) toddlers who, thanks to the buffoonery and poorly thought out plans of their parents, could wind up orphans (or, worse, raised by Ryan) when their parents are eventually incarcerated

There are times when I think Kendall and Zach can do no wrong, and then there are times that they make me shout, aloud, to an empty room a question along the lines of "What the hell is wrong with you?" that, because I'm so irritated and confused, comes out like "Whahewrwoooo?"

Kendall wants to confess to a crime that she did not, or maybe kind of did, commit in an effort to spare her children the pain of their mother...having a 50/50 chance of being convicted of murder in a trial spearheaded by a ADA who seems intellectually stunted and a police department that IS intellectually stunted, with hardly any evidence and a boatload of other possible culprits. The girl needs a serious tough love session. And while normally, I'd mean that as some sort of dirty joke about her and Zach, I actually mean it as in someone needs to sit her down and slap some sense into her.

And then there is Zach, who is going full throttle in his efforts to keep Kendall out of jail that he decides the best possible way to do that is frame Annie for attempting to shoot at Adam? REALLY? REALLY? That is the most terrible idea since Jesse's "We have to make it look like a car accident, so let's make sure we take great care to buckle his seatbelt" plan. In other words, it is bizarre, WTFy, and has the stench of Pratt all over it. You know how George Bluth on Arrested Developmentonce opined that you should "never promise crazy a baby?" I will take it a step further and offer that you should never try to frame a crazy for murder, especially when crazy's favorite habit of late is fondling fireplace pokers and fantasizing about hurting her enemies.

Poor Spike and Ian. I have a terrible vision of them being raised by Ryan and Erica while Kendall and Zach are either imprisoned or being evaluated at a psychiatric facility. That vision makes me cry.

One (1) teenager berated by his father for his part in a car accident

Of course Michael driving recklessly and then leaving the scene is a bad idea, but you know who is also to blame? The father who gives his teenage son a car, despite the son having a brain injury, poor impulse control, and violent fits of anger. DUH. That's like drilling it into your child's head that all problems can be solved with a bullet. Oh, wait, Sonny also did exactly that and it got his fiancee shot (she existed, right? That phantom Kate person with the adorable hair and the multiple bullet wounds? I hope I didn't hallucinate that). Yes, Michael is insanely terrible* and in the wrong, but Sonny is all of those things and more, times infinity.

Also, was Sonny even speaking English during the heated confrontation with Michael? If he was, it was obviously some form of a Cajun-English hybrid coupled with a speech impediment.

*I did quite enjoy how meta this statement was

Michael: I wreck everything and everyone around me

It's funny because it's true! The character of Michael has actively ruined multiple characters, entire families and his sordid paternity scandal was the turning point that moved GH from a soap opera to a crappy show about the mob living in a town that also has a hospital.

Comments

I think you should declare a month long moratorium on all AMC and GH related posts. While I know they have to virtually write themselves and are a delight to read, a big part of me thinks that Guza and Pratt don't deserve the recognition or internet press you give them. Instead, try some other soaps (such as ONE LIFE TO LIVE which despite its flaws, genuinely tries to deliver good soap opera and often does) and maybe help drum up some new viewers for them. Trust me, I gave up AMC the day Dixie was killed off and I haven't regretted it for a second based on the crap I see the show is serving up these days.

"Maurice Benard...was physically present in his scenes."

I don't know why, but I just can't stop laughing at this.

You know Mallory I was thinking about Kate too during that scene....mainly something along the lines of "Gosh doesn't seem really familiar...like when Michael shot Kate and Sonny so helpfully told him if he was ever caught with a gun to never come home again? Woo hoo parent of the year!!!"

OLTL is the way to go. The whole Claudia accident storyline on GH is annoying and stupid.

Oh god, I thought GH alone was horrible. You poor soul. Have a drink and watch some early 90s GH on YouTube, would you? Or cheer up thinking of the fashion disasters we're going to get to chronicle next month!

I "love" when Maurice Benard forgets he's supposed to be acting and just hangs out. Especially at a really appropriate time, such as when his character's child is in an allegedly irreversible coma and is about to be shipped off to a long-term care facility. Ugh. I hate this show.

Ahhhh! Becca, I clicked on your link to refresh my memory and accidently read too far into the post. I saw...I relived...I read about...UGH! I can't even type (The Most Disgusting Thing to Happen in a Limo...Ever).

I have go watch clips of Cam, baby Emma, and some of the Nurse's Ball memories just to feel remotely pure again. *shudder*

PS- I agree with every single thing you typed in this blog post Mallory! Everything except that maybe Lucy Merriman has better skills than the new D.A. Just saying...

OLTL just had a fall down the stairs REVEAL a pregnancy in a clever switch on such a thing usually ending one.

There are still significant weaknesses in the show, though. Saying OLTL is better than AMC and GH is damning with faint praise.

Why does GH even bother having anyone on this show become pregnant since it's most likely the mother will miscarry after a fall down the stairs, a car accident or be blown up in a car. If Sonny is the father there is an even greater chance.

Today we found out that Claudia lost her baby because of the seatbelt she was wearing. Nice message for GH to send about pregnant women and seatbelts.

If ladies took GH seriously; they would never consider getting pregnant. Every pregnant character on this show has some type of serious drama.

Since Claudia is a fictional chracter, may I add that to bad the seatbelt didn't take her out as well. She appeared to be hanging upside down in the car.

I'm not crazy about Michael, but I just wanted him to have one of his rage fits on Sonny. He at least had good intentions at the police station!

You are spot on. Both GH and AMC are soo soo very hard to watch these days.
In regard to Randi's miscarriage though.. I tuned in to AMC late so I caught the scene where Randi was on the hospital bed and Frankie was over her saying "it's ok" or something of the sort and I honestly thought she was laughing at something until she actually said "I don't want to lose this baby" and then I realised she was portraying pain. I usually love Randi but yeah.. I won't call that "trying" lol.

I was also sorry for Michael today. Jeez Sonny.. come on!

Stacy is to OLTL as Michael is to GH! If Stacy isn't vamoosed soon, she will taint and destroy OLTL just like Michael was the ruination of GH since his conception, or even earlier when his Mama came to town.

These shows make me mental.

Well Sue, you know that seatbelts are about as evil and menacing as the police whose sole goal is to set people up. I hate this show sometimes. I have to go watch some Robert Scorpio, 80s version, to revive my faith in all that is good.

Your vision for Spike & Ian scarred me. :(

LOVE that you make the very wise point that the existence of Mikey & all that it entails is the turning point for GH going from good soap to crapfest. I couldn't agree with you more if I tried.

If you FF through the whole clusterf'ck that is Rex-Gigi-Stacy or the show-eating teen couple of Starr-Cole on OLTL, it's a pretty good show. I'm over the moon about the fact that Bo & Nora (who are both middle-aged) are actually getting a story and it's a romance to boot. I've waited over a decade for this so if I really get them back after their angst (involving a 3rd middle-aged vet no less) I may just have to kiss RC's feet. Who knew such a thing would be allowed on ABCD?

GH Lesson # 93784

Seatbelts kill fetuses, but getting shot in the head is no biggie.

GH Lesson # 93785

If you confess to a crime and their is some initial evidence supporting that, you might get arrested. But fear not, Robin has magical powers and they reside at the PCPD. She got the mayor arrested and Michael set free.

GH Lesson # 93786

No matter how massively irresponsible, dangerous, absentee, and assanine the parenting since birth Carly is the greatest and don't you forget it.

GH Lesson # 93787

Sonny's a good Catholic.

Ughhh, now my stomach is upset.

I went back last weekend and spent hours watching the old Cassadine Island/Freezing the World/Ice Princess storyline on YouTube. I had NO idea it was there but checked on a whim. That's the storyline that hooked me on that show when I was 11. I thought I'd fine it cheesy and unwatchable almost 30 years later, but, given what I have to work with NOW on GH, this was ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING STUFF!! I thought it would make watching current GH a bit more tolerable if I tried to remember what drew me in in the first place, but instead, it just made me want to take a flamethrower to the studio.

On a side note, they had a jungle set complete with waterfall in that Cassadine island storyline. Pretty realistic, too! 30 years later, with all the advances in special effects, computers and digital imagery, we end up with what looks like Fisher Price cars or some bad Nintendo 64 video game with the overhead shots of the "cars" on Harbor View Lane last week. How is it that the sets of 30 years ago are BETTER and more realistic?

"Stacy is to OLTL as Michael is to GH! If Stacy isn't vamoosed soon, she will taint and destroy OLTL just like Michael was the ruination of GH since his conception, or even earlier when his Mama came to town."

Todd did that to OLTL years ago.

Great Post Mallory, but you could also say that someone at 4151 Prospect Avenue has a baby killing fetish and or kink on this show. They kill a fetus just about every year give or take if said fetus was made by Sonny's Sperm. Thanks for pointing out that this same asshole DID INDEED THREATEN "HIS SON" just last year as I recall about the gun incident. Such a greasy ASSHOLE.

"The character of Michael has actively ruined multiple characters, entire families and his sordid paternity scandal was the turning point that moved GH from a soap opera to a crappy show about the mob living in a town that also has a hospital."

Yes! Yes! 1,000 times Yes!

I swear, it's as if you read my mind and wrote that line just for me. *sniff*

"Cornelius Smith and Denise Vasi tried..."

Well, Cornelius Smith did anyway...

Awesome post, Mallory! Kendall needs some tough love and Zach needs to just sit down, b/c he keeps making things worse.

It looked to me that Kelly and Claudia were doing a PSA somewhat about the dangers of seatbelts. I'm just pissed the seatbelt is the reason Claudia wasn't taken out, although I did enjoy SJB yesterday. Also, don't forget Liz's sad reminder that she's had two miscarriages.

Lastly, was it just me or when Jax was telling Jason to keep Michael's situation from Carly until morning a secret for fear that she'd stroke out did anyone else say deviously, "Tell her."?

I am absolutely convinced that Robert Guza and Charles Pratt are using their respective soaps to work through some traumatic childhood experiences that have clearly scarred them for life. Neither man even attempts to veil his hatred of women or children anymore. And if they believe that their soaps are examples of "sturm und drang," then I recommend their union cards be revoked immediately for impersonating a writer.

I agree with Sara. Ever since the return and aging of Michael GH has gone downhill rapidly. Also the aging of Kristina and Molly without a bye your leave was a stuid move. But their parents stay the same age. Also Olivia must go and take Dante with her.

You know something is wrong with a soap when virtually ever single characer apart from Petey, Scott and Marissa (and it's only a matter of time for them) has committed some reprehensible and stupid act, most within the last 8 months. It seems the characters of Pine Valley couldn't find their morals even if there were bread crumbs leading the way. Seriously, I'm now rooting for Annie, the psychopath who murdered two people, and toyed with Aidan's emotions.

Of course, a quicker word to the wise would be "Never tune into the non-One Life to Live ABC soaps", period.
lmao very very true...im still off the GH train for a few months now (kicked that nasty habit) but still love tuning in to your blog for laughs...While OLTL isn't perfect, it's certainly tremendously better than those 2 shows passing themselves off as a soap, especially GH!! And to boot, they still throw in romance here and there isntead of just death and mob killings!!

PLEASE PLEASE consider blogging OLTL :) You girls do such a great job and always give me a laugh for the day!

Unfortunately GH has no soul. They center this show around Sonny and his mob infested storylines. Now that all his bastards have been aged at once I don't see it getting any better.

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