A Brief Detour into the Land of Not So Bad
It's exceedingly rare that I even find myself with one semi-positive thing to say about All My Children, but today I have two! There is magic in the air, people!
All right, perhaps the first doesn't count, as it took place entirely in my subconscious and was no doubt the result of my spending a lot of time coming to grips with the fact that David Canary probably won't make the move with AMC to Los Angeles, but it IS good and it IS AMC-related, however vaguely: the Silver Fox himself made a prominent appearance in a dream of mine last night. It involved a trip to the bookstore, and I had a long debate about which book to buy, and then I saw a person I once worked with, and made a face to express my distaste, and David Canary agreed, saying, "I don't care much for him". It was nice to have David Canary validate my opinion, even if it was just in a dream. Also, it is his 71st birthday today, and it's Cameron Mathison's birthday, too. The AMC set must have been fun today, if one discounts the fact that some of them (and all of their crew) will not have jobs soon, and that they have to act out storylines written by Pratt & Co...
The second happy-making AMC moment actually did take place on the show and, shockingly, included Liza. Specifically, it included Liza getting hit over the head with a laptop by the ever territorial Kendall Hart.
(Skip ahead to 3:57)
If you think about the elements of this scene for even ten seconds, it becomes less enjoyable because those involved are acting dangerously ridiculous (Liza for ignoring Tad's Zendall shipping/rational argument that Zach and Liza will never happen, and immediately running back to the Slaters to plant one on him; Kendall for having exceedingly poor impulse control and no understanding of what a secret room is actually for. Girl, you are supposed to be hiding! Not walking around the house where any of the million and one visitors could see you and realize that you're not serving your prison sentence. Also, laptop as weapon is a move straight out of the Denise Richards: It's Violent playbook. Kendall, you can do better!), but it was so, so funny.
The rest of the show is equally hilarious, in the most horrifying of ways.
Liza amused me greatly yesterday when she was sparring with Annie ("Oooh, cars! I bet you miss those, don't you?") and I wondered if, maybe, it was the start of a new chapter in her time on the show, but no. She is delusional and awful.
Tad: A little. What's up with you?
Liza: Oh, nothing. Just falling for a guy who's in love with a killer.
What a melodramatic way to start a story!
Tad: Find a way. You don't understand. Kendall and Zach? They're untouchable. Ok? They take the vow "through good times and bad" to a whole new level. I mean, they've been through comas and affairs and tornadoes and--and bomb shelters, rogue lesbian kisses.
Liza: Rogue what?
Tad: Any crisis you can imagine. I am telling you, nothing comes between Kendall and Zach. Nothing. Not even when they're apart.
Liza: Yeah, but, you know, he's in that house. He's all alone in that big house.
Tad: He's not alone. All right? She is there with him. Maybe not physically, but she's there all the same. They're inseparable, ok? Every single thing he does, every decision he makes is either for or about Kendall.
1.) I think Tad secretly posts on Zach & Kendall message boards, possibly under the moniker thecadluvszen.
2.) "Rogue lesbian kisses" is the greatest turn of phrase, ever.
2.) Liza carefully studied Tad's words and decided that the subtext there was, "Go hit on Zach! It'll work out!" I'm sorry, but she deserved that assault via laptop and, hopefully, any brain injury stemming from it will correct her sense of shame and boundaries.
Amanda: I shouldn't have gone off on David like that. I shouldn't have done it. It's not his fault. What happened to Trevor, it's mine. I agreed to this stupid plan.
Jake: We all agreed to the plan because we thought the plan would work.
Yes, you all agreed to it, which makes you all more stupid that even words can express.
Jake: Look at me. The only thing that you are guilty of is loving your son so much that you wanted him back in your arms as soon as humanly possible. That's all you're guilty of. That doesn't make you selfish, that doesn't make you careless or reckless. That makes you a mom. That's what moms do. So don't give up hope, ok? We're gonna find him. We're gonna find him, and then we're gonna go out in that lake, the one from your dream. And a boat--we're gonna rent a boat.
Faking a baby's death, hiding a baby at a friend's house and switching his gender, and leaving him in an alley so that someone can pretend to find him and call social services on the off chance that you will get the chance to legally adopt him is the very definition of selfish, careless, and reckless, not to mention dangerously stupid and bugshit insane. Any one of those actions is a poor choice, but all of them? Trevor needs to be the one raising these two, and he should also spend the afternoon tutoring Randi on basic knowledge.
I cannot deal with them, and I am having a hard time even describing this story without resorting to made up words, or perhaps a complete nonsense language, because English words aren't conveying how dumb it really is. One day, my AMC entries are going to seem like they are written by Nell!
Adam:You let Lavery go off on a chest-beating frenzy and Annie ended up in hysterics.
Hee! That was the sole highlight to the increasingly tiresome "Is Annie crazy? Or crazy like a fox?" story. The competency hearing was just another chance for the three players to do the same thing they've been doing for weeks:
Annie: Be CRAZY but also simpering and remorseful!
Adam: Be protective and overly indulgent of Annie!