Awfully Boring and Boringly Awful
Three minutes after today's General Hospital ended, I had no recollection of the episode.
As I often do at 4 PM, I turned on TNT to watch Law & Order, which wasn't on today because TNT is broadcasting a PGA tournament, and while I'd usually get annoyed at golf disrupting my routine, L&O is currently in the terrible season where poor Ed Green was paired with that random detective Nina Cassady, who I swear was played by a contest winner and not an actual actress, so I wasn't exactly disappointed about those episodes not being on. Anyway, I hit the "previous channel" button on my remote to see what else was on, and landed on ABC. And I had no idea what I had just watched. "What's on before Oprah? Oh...General Hospital? That was on today? And it was a new episode? Huh."
Since I wasn't seething with rage, and didn't feel the need to shower in order to get the filth off, I knew the episode hadn't featured Sonny, Claudia and Jerry in prominent roles, but I couldn't tell you what happened. At first, I worried that this signaled the onset of dementia, but the more plausible explanation is that this show is so dreadfully dull sometimes that my brain cells can't process it.
I don't know how this show can veer so wildly from wretched and anger-making, to horribly dull and not even once land in "entertaining and good" territory. That's quite a skill the powers-that-be have, isn't it?
I have pieced together a hazy memory of what happened in Port Charles, and there were a few things of note:
- Laura Wright debuted the most hilarious "The hell are you talking about?" face when Carly learned that Kiefer, EVILEVILEVIL boyfriend of Kristina, manhandled Morgan.
I think her shock was part "How could anyone terrorize my precious little boy?" (because Morgan is presh to the extreme, and I pity Christian Alexander for having to threaten Morgan and Molly in one week!) and part "He's stalking around town harassing people and he isn't even in the mob? Hang him!", but it was one hundred percent hilarious.
(Substantially less hilarious? Repeated discussion of how Carly needs to rest and keep her stress levels down because high risk pregnancy and Jax and we get it, writers, really. I know it is important for toddlers to watch television with a lot of repetition, as it helps them learn facts, but the average GH viewer is not a toddler. It's possible that the average GH writer is, however.)
Before he was quickly sent offscreen to have a play date at the aquarium (only the coolest play date will do for my Cameron!), he was completely adorable and stole the scene from his very pretty parents with his desire to build a spaceship, and his fondness for fist bumps.
- Liz and Lucky had a serious conversation about Rebecca and the real reason she landed in Port Charles and ingratiated herself in the lives of Emily's rich friends and family. They were both, as mentioned above, insanely pretty throughout said conversation
The thing that baffles me about the big Rebecca "reveal" is that...Alexis has had this exact theory for MONTHS. Liz has been suspicious of Rebecca for ages. They have both verbalized these thoughts to Nikolas, multiple times, and while he was frustratingly dense and naive about it, he has heard it before, so I don't know why people are so shocked that this has been confirmed and so unsure of how (or if!) to tell him that his very terrible paramour is very terrible.
- Rebecca Herbst can throw the bitchface like no other.
- Rebecca Shaw, however, is good at absolutely nothing, and this includes sucking up to children. While she tried to explain her coldness to the newly de-SORASed Spencer (now we don't get to make social security jokes at his expense. Thanks for taking away that source of fun for me, GH! Must you ruin EVERYTHING that you touch?) by saying that she's shy around new people, and that he's probably thinking that she looks like Emily, he glared at her with undisguised hatred.
He's known her for thirty seconds and he already saw through her act and concluded that she's a scheming skeezer! Nikolas needs to stop sending this child away and use his expertise to make important business decisions.
- Robin continued to play Jessica Fletcher in her quest to find out who really killed the mistress of the Player Mayor, and had her daughter play apprentice today in order to suck up to Floyd's staff so that Robin could casually fish for information. I have no idea why Robin, a doctor, is investigating a crime, but I suppose it is more plausible than the notion of Sonny as a romantic hero. I did love when Robin was explaining her plan to Emma, and reminded Emma that people love cute babies, while Emma was in her stroller all, "Girl, I've got the cute part covered, okay?"
- Johnny and Olivia continue to be nuclear hot separately, and together, and Johnny seeing Olivia and Dominante heatedly arguing today adds a nice layer of tension to their story, and I kind of can't wait to see where it goes. Usually, I look forward to the next day's GH purely out of morbid fascination, like, "They aren't going there, are they? OHMIGOD THEY ARE! I'm praying for death!", but I am genuinely entertained by these two, and profoundly thank Awesome Writer for doing his/her part in crafting a delightful, entertaining relationship that will surely be ruined sooner rather than later, but which I will try my best to enjoy while I still can.