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« Soap Blog Coalition | Main | Special Programming Note: My Antonio Premieres This Sunday »

August 13, 2009

Awfully Boring and Boringly Awful

Three minutes after today's General Hospital ended, I had no recollection of the episode.

As I often do at 4 PM, I turned on TNT to watch Law & Order, which wasn't on today because TNT is broadcasting a PGA tournament, and while I'd usually get annoyed at golf disrupting my routine, L&O is currently in the terrible season where poor Ed Green was paired with that random detective Nina Cassady, who I swear was played by a contest winner and not an actual actress, so I wasn't exactly disappointed about those episodes not being on. Anyway, I hit the "previous channel" button on my remote to see what else was on, and landed on ABC. And I had no idea what I had just watched. "What's on before Oprah? Oh...General Hospital? That was on today? And it was a new episode? Huh."

Since I wasn't seething with rage, and didn't feel the need to shower in order to get the filth off, I knew the episode hadn't featured Sonny, Claudia and Jerry in prominent roles, but I couldn't tell you what happened. At first, I worried that this signaled the onset of dementia, but the more plausible explanation is that this show is so dreadfully dull sometimes that my brain cells can't process it.

I don't know how this show can veer so wildly from wretched and anger-making, to horribly dull and not even once land in "entertaining and good" territory. That's quite a skill the powers-that-be have, isn't it?

I have pieced together a hazy memory of what happened in Port Charles, and there were a few things of note:

  • Laura Wright debuted the most hilarious "The hell are you talking about?" face when Carly learned that Kiefer, EVILEVILEVIL boyfriend of Kristina, manhandled Morgan.


I think her shock was part "How could anyone terrorize my precious little boy?" (because Morgan is presh to the extreme, and I pity Christian Alexander for having to threaten Morgan and Molly in one week!) and part "He's stalking around town harassing people and he isn't even in the mob? Hang him!", but it was one hundred percent hilarious.

(Substantially less hilarious? Repeated discussion of how Carly needs to rest and keep her stress levels down because high risk pregnancy and Jax and we get it, writers, really. I know it is important for toddlers to watch television with a lot of repetition, as it helps them learn facts, but the average GH viewer is not a toddler. It's possible that the average GH writer is, however.)

  • CAM!


Before he was quickly sent offscreen to have a play date at the aquarium (only the coolest play date will do for my Cameron!), he was completely adorable and stole the scene from his very pretty parents with his desire to build a spaceship, and his fondness for fist bumps.


  • Liz and Lucky had a serious conversation about Rebecca and the real reason she landed in Port Charles and ingratiated herself in the lives of Emily's rich friends and family. They were both, as mentioned above, insanely pretty throughout said conversation



The thing that baffles me about the big Rebecca "reveal" is that...Alexis has had this exact theory for MONTHS. Liz has been suspicious of Rebecca for ages. They have both verbalized these thoughts to Nikolas, multiple times, and while he was frustratingly dense and naive about it, he has heard it before, so I don't know why people are so shocked that this has been confirmed and so unsure of how (or if!) to tell him that his very terrible paramour is very terrible.

  • Rebecca Herbst can throw the bitchface like no other.


  • Rebecca Shaw, however, is good at absolutely nothing, and this includes sucking up to children. While she tried to explain her coldness to the newly de-SORASed Spencer (now we don't get to make social security jokes at his expense. Thanks for taking away that source of fun for me, GH! Must you ruin EVERYTHING that you touch?) by saying that she's shy around new people, and that he's probably thinking that she looks like Emily, he glared at her with undisguised hatred.


He's known her for thirty seconds and he already saw through her act and concluded that she's a scheming skeezer! Nikolas needs to stop sending this child away and use his expertise to make important business decisions.

  • Robin continued to play Jessica Fletcher in her quest to find out who really killed the mistress of the Player Mayor, and had her daughter play apprentice today in order to suck up to Floyd's staff so that Robin could casually fish for information. I have no idea why Robin, a doctor, is investigating a crime, but I suppose it is more plausible than the notion of Sonny as a romantic hero. I did love when Robin was explaining her plan to Emma, and reminded Emma that people love cute babies, while Emma was in her stroller all, "Girl, I've got the cute part covered, okay?"


  • Johnny and Olivia continue to be nuclear hot separately, and together, and Johnny seeing Olivia and Dominante heatedly arguing today adds a nice layer of tension to their story, and I kind of can't wait to see where it goes. Usually, I look forward to the next day's GH purely out of morbid fascination, like, "They aren't going there, are they? OHMIGOD THEY ARE! I'm praying for death!", but I am genuinely entertained by these two, and profoundly thank Awesome Writer for doing his/her part in crafting a delightful, entertaining relationship that will surely be ruined sooner rather than later, but which I will try my best to enjoy while I still can.


I come to your blog in the hope that you will have the following announcements:

guza was fired
sonny was killed (and will never return)
jason q - woke up from a coma and all the dead q's are back


Still not watching the show; just reading your blog. But YAY to BH's collarbone and shoulder bones no longer sticking out.

I accidentally caught a few moments of GH the other day (yesterday, maybe? can't really keep track...) and Olivia and Johnny were getting it on, and O.M.G.!!! That pairing was totally random and I used to ff through them because they made no sense to me, but now I don't care, because they are SO EFFING HOT!!! The only couple I'd rather see get it on is Robin and Patrick, and at the rate they're going, Emma will be in high school before the writers allow them to have sex again, so rock on, Jolivia!

Ew, I just noticed I had typed Claudia and Johnny above. Thank god I caught it before posting. Though it just goes to show how scarred I still am by that whole "brother-sister" dynamic they used to have. Thanks for the PTSD, GH.

Liz. Overrated and boring. Sorry not a Jiz fan. Lucky is the only thing that makes this awful character tolerable.

Robin. SSDD and boring also. I'll stay away from the fangurls who write this blog from now on.

LOL @ Kami. Oh, well.

the only thing I remember about yesterday was Robin/Emma being cute and Johnny/Olivia. Man, they've got a GOOD thing going with them here, therefore I can smell a breakup coming miles away. Sonny is lusting for Olivia. So he must be hers. UGH.

I knew there was going to be mention of Cam here today! I read a recap, saw his name and went "CAMERON???? THERE!" and immediately went to watch. Fist bumps, high fives and building the craziest space ship ever was off the charts adorable.

Clearly newly-somewhat age appropriate Spencer is trying to steal his cousin's crown as the king of dirty looks. Keep trying kid.

I like Johnny / Olivia. They could be a major couple on this show, but let's face it - sooner or later, she will betray Johnny to be with Sonny. It's inevitable because - hey, Sonny is THE MAN, and almost all women on GH have to be enamored of the man- oh, and get pregnant by him at least once, if not two or three times.

I found yesterday's episode very calming. No Sonny, no Claudia, no Michael/Kristina ("aren't girls dumb?"), no Spinelli/Maxie (really there might've been, I just didn't notice it), no Jason. Rebecca getting outed, Cam existing, Liz and Lucky in a scene together, Robin/Emma, Dante and Morgan bonding, Johnny/Olivia.

I didn't have any rage episodes and I daresay I almost enjoyed myself.

Though really, it's hard to feel bad for Olivia when she complains that Dante is making her betray more and more people she loves -- maybe she shouldn't mix the mob or their apologists so much then. And I love her with Johnny, I just wish he'd quit the mob.

Well I got a few minutes of adorable RobinEmma & Scrubs w/Patick sweetly kissing Robin on the forehead. I didn't even pretend to watch the other stuff. I was a bit jolted when Anthony popped up on screen. WTH?

I love your columns they're so spot on, but I keep hoping to open your column for it to read that JASON HAS BEEN RETURNED FROM THE MOTHER SHIP... THAT would make me want to return to watching GH. This POD Jason makes me want to vomit profusely!

I love Rebecca Herbst she's drop dead gorgeous and I love her as Liz.

She's the best female character IMO on the entire show. I love LW but I can only abide Carly for so long til I'm ready to smack her.

Liz is great and I hope they don't continue with this Niz stuff makes me want go take a bath!

I Loved Seeing the pics of Cameron. He's adorable! Wish it made me want to watch GH again... but even cute Cameron won't make me watch this cluster*f**** of a show currently.

You are so right about the "under 5" set being the best thing about this show. On a show that loathes children to the point of killing them off faster than Quartermanes, it's a funny "F U" to Guza that the little kids are better actors, more adorable, and better scene stealers than any of his evil leads. Plus, they are much smarter and better judges of character than the rest of the mobbed up cast.

Olivia is now just another annoying mob moll completely willing to risk her Son's life so she can be w/ all the mobsters she wants. She hid Dante for decades, but now that he is a cop poised to end Sonny's reign of terror she is totally OK with blowing his life and honorable career to hell? Is she trying to be as horrific a mother as Carly? Or in Guzaland, the bestest Mommy ever? GLURG.

And where the hell is Sonny's super safe protection for Morgan? I get the whole Dante thing was a plot point to show Carly how "similar" her kid is to Dominante, but I am so over this awful stupid insulting writing. And the scene in Carjax's living room was vile. Carly yet again willing to risk he kids lives just so she can play hotel manager? WE GET IT GUZA, high risk pregnancy and superwoman Carly clash, both boring and annoying... again.

And the funny oh so delightful discussion about her being held at gunpoint in the woods with her kids and now that gunman works for Sonny AND strolls into her home like he lives there, cuz he's a good guy and Carly is such a wise woman. GLURG. How can a scene like this be played as Carly being a great Mom? It's awful. And how about how proud she was of Morgan when he and Dante told her how he threatened Kiefer w/ who is Dad is? SICKO!!!!! The only thing Carly was horrified about was evil Kristina's menacing boyfriend.

There needs to be a new word for Guza's misogyny. It's epic and disgusting at whole new levels of dreadful.

omg, i so agree that the Johnny, Olivia, Dominante s/l is entertaining and I ALSO look forward to looking how it will turn out. Yay for GH for once. Awesome writer rulez!!

Glad there were more screencaps... they make everything you say even more entertaining and awesome!

BTW, awesome beginning ab having to wash the filth off yourself coz of lack of Sonny, Claudia, and Jason. BTW, Claudia is on less because SJB was on vacay.

Your blog is so worth watching GH for :D

Dear Mallory,
I just wanted to take some time to thank you for watching GH so I don't have to. This show is soul sucking. The best part of it has become reading your posts. Normally I end up watching patrick, robin,alexis, mac, diane, maxie, johnny, liz, dante and olivia clips on youtube. A lot of times that gets fast forwarded because sonny ruins these characters for me and I don't believe robin would risk her family's safety playing Nancy Drew. I miss consistently good GH, and Serial Drama has become the silver lining to GH sucking, so thank you.

Call me crazy but I'm kind of loving Dante and Johnny no matter who they have scenes with. But Jolivia rocks!

Am I the only one who wonders why they make Rebecca's face look creepy? When she talks she has creepy eyes too. Maybe it's the hair color, the eyebrows and heavy makeup.

I agree Cam is cute. But here is an interesting question- they have age Michael, Kristina, Morgan, Molly and Spencer. I believe that Cam is older than Molly and Spencer, but yet they haven't aged him? Not that GH makes sense in recent years(since last year Molly was 2 years old and now she is 10) but it just seems odd!

At this point I don't think alot of fans can take anymore of this crap. It is ashamed that GL is going off the air and GH is now heading that way in terms of the ratings and losing viewers. I don't see how 1 or 2 characters or storylines are holding anybodys interest because it seems that the bad out weighs the good storylines to point that fans have tuned out in droves.

I for one have thoroughly enjoyed GH the last couple of days. No Sonny. No Claudia. No joke. Now, when Nik takes out Rebecca, I will be all set. ;)

Robin and Emma were great! Cameron is so adorable. I love Liz she looks beautiful as usually.I deeply hate Jason now the whole Jason and Sam fighting Jerry already happened and its boring,it was boring the last time they did it.Hell the Jascam reunion is boring the whole show sucks! I just look at youtube now,I might stop doing that!

Am i really the only one out here that is totally into GH... I for one LOVE Jason and am so happpy for the reunion or Jasam and I am very interested in where Liz and Nik go because their chemistry is HOT. I agree Olivia and Johnny are steamy together also.
IDK if its just becasue I've only been watching for about 2 years or so but I love it and I hope there are others that feel the same! I just don't understand the mentality behind watching something you don't like just to write about it with others who don't like it... I've taken a big break from ATWT because I can't take the storylines.

But hey thats just my opinion.

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