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« Trying Optimism On For Size | Main | Surely I Hallucinated »

August 10, 2009

Every Little Thing It Does Is Tragic

Today's General Hospital started out poorly, as is its wont, but it was a retread of the last few scenes of Friday's episode, so the poorness had no real effect on me, as I had already experienced it. Little did I know that those few minutes of repeated mediocrity would be the highlight of the entire show!

As the show progressed, I kept thinking that each of the plots featured in the episode would be, hands down, the worst of the day. Such as:

"You know, for a plot with two appealing characters portrayed by good actors, Michael and Kristina being on the run is pretty boring and, well, stupid."

"Well, no, maybe it's not as boring and stupid as Maxie and Spinelli's engagement drama, what with its Spinelli speak overload, and Mac pulling the same overprotective dad stunt as he did when Patrick wanted to marry Robin, and Maxie acting like a completely unhinged brat, because this is just horrible."

"Although Sonny and Claudia's relationship and her seething jealousy over Olivia and Johnny is completely disturbing and...did I really just see Dominante have to listen to Claudia insult his mother and talk about Johnny having sex with her and then imply that his alter ego is also sleeping with her as well?"

And then the episode ended with Sam handcuffed to a chair in Mexico, pimped out to a random unsavory day player by Jerry and then my brain folded itself into a little origami white flag to signal its surrender. You win, General Hospital! I will never again make the mistake of doubting that you can get any worse.

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In theory, and in the hands of a talented writing staff, Michael and Kristina on the run could be compelling stuff. It would help if Kristina had been honest with Michael about her possible part in Claudia's accident, but that ship has sailed.

Of course, Guza is writing this, though, so the siblings running to Mexico has become a mere supporting part in the larger, lamer Jason/Jerry feud. I imagine that the show fancies the hatred between the two hired killers to be an epic rivalry, but, really, we all know how it is going to end (Jason will be heroic, and save Michael, Kristina and Sam, and Jerry will appear to have been vanquished forever, but will actually turn up in the near future whenever the show needs a villain to do something dastardly and Sebastian Roche has free time) and in the meantime, we are treated to endless scenes of:

  • Michael being suspicious of Jerry, because he inherited his mother's great instincts and can tell when something doesn't seem right, while Kristina is blissfully oblivious to his true intentions. Because Alexis merely passed along book smarts to her children, while Carly's kids inherited her keen senses and always rightness. 
  • Kristina saying things like, "has Jerry done one single thing to hurt you, ever?" It's ironic, because Jerry HAS done things to hurt Michael! Please imagine me giving the most half-hearted and sarcastic "Ha ha" possible.
  • Parental figures telling Morgan and Molly that if they are contacted by M & K that they need to tell someone immediately, and none of the parents noticing that the looks on Morgan and Molly's faces blatantly say "I have a secret and am guilty about it".
  • The show piling on more bad boy behavior to get us to fully hate Kiefer, which was sort of unnecessary, as I am predisposed to hate most new people on this show. He has Molly write his college admissions essay! He gets angry at Kristina and chucks barware in frustration as though he, and not Kristina, is Sonny's child! Remind me again how he is bad but Sonny is a hero? And also, can you imagine how hard it must have been for that actor to yell at the girl who plays Molly?! She's adorable! I know I wouldn't have been able to do it. Although, I don't think I'd be able to croak out one line of dialogue by these writers without choking, so maybe I am not the best example of thespian integrity.

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The continuing story of Maxie and Spinelli and their engagement that wasn't, but now is (except maybe it isn't because Maxie's facial expression at the end was equal parts dread and self hatred) is bad enough, since it manages to be stupid, offensive and repetitive, but when you add in the twinkly music of "Ell oh ell, these hijinks are hilarious!", well...I lost my will to live. This show is terrible at shenanigans! I'd say the writers should stick to their strengths, but they have none and the closest they come is being good at defying reason and good taste, a skill that I can't, with a clear conscience, call a strength.

As Patrick kept reminding us (in between pleas for pot roast), Mac has already played the role of overprotective father figure who wants to arrest the man who wants to marry one of his daughtersin the not so distant past, so this latest display was both played out AND not nearly vicious enough. Spinelli requesting to be a part of your family forever--and doing so in his inane, annoying, stilted language--deserves a response far more severe than an arrest! I say frame him on trumped up charges and extradite him out of state!

(I did appreciate Mac pointing out that Spinelli has criminal ties, though. That's ignored far too often, like when he couldn't go to prison for breaking the law multiple times because it's Spinelli and he's so nice and...nice and stuff.)

I feel like Maxie accepting Spinelli's proposal, after days of verbalizing why she doesn't want to get married, purely to stick it to Mac is a huge step backwards for her character and for my ability to stomach her. I mean, I almost always fast forward these two, especially lately (truly, over the course of the past week, when Spinelli interrupted everybody he spoke to--like, say, Sam and Jason, who are doing unimportant things like looking for runaway teenagers--so that he could talk about his relationship with Maxie, I wished that my fast forward button were a weapon. This show has turned me into a violent person!), so their engagement and possible nuptials will at least contain them in their own, easily skippable storyline hell, but...how on earth am I expected to tolerate Maxie when she acts so childish and unlikable? What is the purpose of all of this? Is it just to drive the audience crazy? IT'S WORKING, SHOW. IT'S WORKING.

Thanks to Yasmin for the following screencap, which says so much more than I can about this relationship:

Spixie

I will admit to enjoying the background players in these scenes: Patrick and the aforementioned attempt at using pot roast to make the situation less awkward, and Robin and Lulu attempting to reason with Maxie. All it needed was Emma making some highly expressive and hilarious faces in the background and it would have been perfect!

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Sonny attempted to be supportive and not outwardly hate-filled towards Claudia, based on the fact that they, and I quote, made a child together.

Sonny: [Fighting] demeans us both.

And being demeaning is only okay when a woman (preferably Claudia) is on the receiving end of it, remember!

But Olivia's honor is not to be demeaned, as Sonny, Johnny and Dominante all proved. When Sonny sticks up for Olivia, and tells Claudia that Olivia is not his mistress (technically, she's not, but "mistress" rolls off the tongue better than "woman I slobber over even though she is plainly not interested), I get annoyed, but I so enjoyed Johnny and Dominante putting an end to the endless barrage of slut, skeezer, whore, tramp, skank, black kettle that spews out of Claudia's pot mouth.

Of course, until Claudia took umbrage the fact that Dominante readily stood up for Olivia and asked if he, too, was sleeping with her. Poor Dominante! He has Corinthos genes, had to see his mother sexing up Johnny, had to HEAR about his mother sexing up Johnny and is now being accused of lusting after her! How could his life get any worse?! By getting busted by Lucky with shipments of drugs. What a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day!

I screeched and railed and was miserable at the news that Sonny was going to have another child in Port Charles, but I have to admit that Dominic Zamprogna is a really fantastic addition to the show. He works really, really well with everybody he's been in a scene with, and I loved his banter with Brandon Barash today. I won't go so far as to say I'm intrigued by what's to come, since I know it will be awful, but, so far, Dominante's presence has been nowhere near as bad as I had anticipated.

And--big news!!!--Claudia was wearing a white top, so the wardrobe department is trying to play with subtext again. I'd ask what it all means, but that may be interpreted by some as caring, so I'll just move on...

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After spending the better part of the episode being sexually threatened, harassed and victimized by Jerry, Sam found herself handcuffed to a chair in a strange bedroom. While it's only a matter of time before Jason comes to save her, that doesn't make it any less disturbing that a scary man walked into the room and proclaimed:

Unsavory Criminal: You better be worth what I paid Jerry for you.

I...have run out of disparaging adjectives to describe how truly loathsome I find this show. The best I can do is "Fnnarrrrhaaaaaaate" and even that doesn't quite convey my disgust, so just imagine me saying it in the fetal position, while crying, and writing "THIS EFFING SHOW" on sandwich boards and furiously planning a trip to Los Angeles to picket the GH studio.

Comments

I HateTimesInfinity this show. As you know, I've long offered to picket with you. Provided Jason Thompson doesn't take our protest personally!

I want to say I was shocked that GH went to the whore well again with Sam, but...it's GH. So I was unsurprised but horrified.

I did laugh out loud at Mac's "You keep your troth to yourself, Spinelli!" Oh, Mac. Can' you use that gun of yours and thin the Port Charles heard a bit? Or put me out of my misery at least?

Myself I cant' wait for the show where Keifer goes off on Kristina is bad...while Sonny and Claudia go at another round of hate sex.

It's the eternal frustration with GH...the bare bones of a good soapy storyline are there...but you are just inevitably waiting for the crap to come and the wheels to fall off.

I'm just glad I didn't watch it. GUZA AND GH SUCKS!!

I think the saddest thing about this show is that there is so much POTENTIAL. And it's wasted on the stupid execution of stupid storylines. PLEASE, ABC, hire a new executive producer and new head writer and your ratings will go up. But I know they won't listen and we will continue to watch (or read on message boards) as one of the best shows in daytime television history circles down the drain.

Maxie was the "bigger" idiot today. She knew Mac was not going to approve and was going to use that to her advantage, but she totally showed no respect for her "father" figure today. I just don't see the love factor with Spinelli and they have turned her into a cartoon as well.

Enjoyed Patrick, Robin and Lulu and most of Mac. I could totally just imagine him dismembering Spinelli.

Claudia in white, whatever ... still evil!

"I wished my FF button was a weapon." How great would that be?

The star of today's show was offscreen. It was the pot roast!

I can't get past Dante looking 40 years old. I can't believe him in this role and I get creeped out when he's around Lulu, because they aren't supposed to have a 10-15 year age difference, yet if I didn't know better, I'd think there was one. Since it's not addressed, there's always some weird undertone in their scenes.

I only watched the Maxie/Spinelli scenes for the presence of Robin, Patrick, and Mac, and the fact that it took place on the beloved set of Mac's living room, which I'm kind of shocked they haven't dismantled permanently. Anyway, that was a sad commentary, eh?

The highlight of the show for me was when Molly compared Alexis to Sonny because we all know an accident (which is not even murder, it's vehicular manslaughter if anything) is equivalent to having people murdered for money for the past 15 years.
Poor Mac looked like he was about to have a heart attack as Robin and Patrick pushed him out the door. I thought for a second maybe they would go there to show Maxie what poor choices she's been making but then I remembered what show I was watching. If it had happened, the end result would be Maxie screeching at Mac in his hospital bed that if only he had let her be with her law-breaking-nonsense-spewing-essential-person he wouldn't have forced her to be in this position!

The one spark of light on today's show for me was Nik and Liz. Damn these two have something. I hope Guza doesn't ruin it.

I wish this show was a picture of an invisible castle . . .hehe.

Not that I'm a weirdo who follows soap stars' Tweets or anything...or has Twitter for the sole purpose of celeb-stalking... but Sarah Brown is none too pleased with what's going on with her character. Rightfully so!

If Becca can confirm Jason Thompson won't take the protesting personally I'm there. I hate when scrubs and Maxie become another part of this show I fast forward. If this doesn't get better all I'll have left is Jason Thompson smiling at me from the credits.

I set a record today for the quickest viewing time for this show...I think I actually only watched 5 minutes of the entire thing. I'm hating the kids on the run, but I did watch bits of Michael and Kristina when it was just the two of them in a scene. Totally FF'd everything Jerry Jacks. TPTB have completely ruined Maxie for me...what she did yesterday set her maturity level back years. HATING Liz and Nicholas. What happened to Liz and Lucky trying to work things out? They had a few scenes of that long ago and it got dropped like a hot potato. But this must mean TIIC realize the HUGE mistake of bringing Natalia back to the show. Now if they would just send Ethan and Rebecca on the run never to be heard from again...

What did I like? Alexis and Molly talking and Dante and Johnny are good together. That's about it.

BTW, to the poster who thinks Dante is so much older that LuLu...Dominic is 30 and Julie is 26. He just looks older and she looks younger, but I'm liking the few scenes they have had together. Finally someone LuLu has rapport with.

I agree that I like Luminic or Luminante. This is the first guy that see wasn't related too (Ethan) that she has had chemistry with.

I did not watch but it is nice to see nothing has changed. Do not want to see Sam in bondage and Guza playing the sleaze card, nor do I care if Jason saves the day.

I like Liz and Nik because it has not been fully explored, and this is a Soap so I can handle the ex-Brother in Law thing.

Thanks for pointing out that there really isn't much difference between Kiefer's actions and Sonny's. Yes, Kiefer actually hit Kristina, but minus THAT - the shouting, the tantrums, the throwing things, the 'it's gotta be my way or else' attitude - it's all Sonny. But Sonny is romantic hero on this show and Kiefer is an evil teen. Yeah.

Also, did we just LOVE how cleverly they slipped in that stupid "he's a mobster with a heart of gold" rule where Sonny doesn't allow his organization to have anything to do with drugs? And how Dante doesn't really believe that? But soon he'll learn how WRONG he is and how Sonny is a GOOD mobster? Because... no drugs? Just the killing! (By the way, what kind of business DOES Sonny's organization do? We know he's opposed to drug dealing and arms dealing, and that the coffee situation is a front, so...?)

So yeah, that and the whole "doesn't that make you a criminal, too, Mommy?" thing with Molly is pretty much more lame mob-apologism. Gross.

That said, at this point it doesn't even MATTER if Sonny is a mobster or not. Two of his children (both minors) are missing AND his wife just miscarried, and instead of worrying about it or doing anything about it or being a decent person, he's spending most of time making personal visits to a woman he's trying to force into a relationship with him. He's just a wretched human being, mob or no mob.

And don't even get me started on the Michael-is-suspicious but Kristina-is-dumb shenanigans (naturally, because not only is Kristina Alexis's daughter, but she's a GIRL). Apparently teenagers in Port Charles do not have access to the local papers or the internet to find out info on their various fathers and uncles and such...

I want to murder this television program.

OMG. What Louise said.

I hate this Spixie proposal story, but I did think the actors did a good job with lousy material. BA managed to ground his performance and really show Spin's love for Maxie even in the face of insanity. That being said, the way he was written the whole week before (with the constant harping on the proposal to people who were in life and death situations) made me want to do violence to him. And I love him, usually.

Maxie...I'm not exactly sure what she's thinking, because the show has rushed this storyline without really giving her much motivation.

They're still my fave couple on the show though.

And I am in completely agreement about the peanut gallery at the Scorpio dinner. Their asides and faces were hilarious.

Agreed, Mardou.

What I really want is to actually let Spinelli and Maxie DATE for, I don't know, at least a couple WEEKS before we have to launch into this whole engagement nonsense. It's pathetic.

But one really funny line from yesterday (and I'm probably misquoting) was Mac's: "He's a criminal. And a really WEIRD criminal."

The guy who plays Dominic is 30 so I suppose he could be Olivia's son if she got pregnant at, say, 16. And I don't mind the age difference with Lulu, because I don't think it's that much. But when Olivia gets pregnant again ( by Sonny, of course), that will be too much to believe.

On the other hand, this show SUCKS and anything I like or believe is merely a side issue.

The problem w/ SORASING + BAD WRITING is that while JMB may be in her mid twenties, Lulu is still around 16. For me, that is where the much of the ick factor lies in all of her relationships.

However, when she first came on the scene at GH she played Lulu as a quirky mix of Luke and Laura who grew up mainly sans parents for several years. I loved that Lulu. THAT SORASING worked really well IMO. Then she becme Carly Jr. and broke up her friends marriage with lies and cheating which led to her abortion. That is when I lost my love for Lulu. She was no longer Lulu but Carly Jr. and she became a bitchy mess, and not in a good way.

So now when I see her all I am glad about is her much improved recent hair and wardrobe. I try to blackout her karaoke, it gave me the major creepies.

You have to wonder if EACH AND EVERY TIME Kelly Monaco reads the scripted pages, sees that she once again is about to be ASSAULTED BY SOME MAN, that as soon as the "director" and I used that term extremely loosely, says.."that's a wrap" that she makes a beeline home and makes that water scalding HOT so she can wash off the VIOLENCE that once again visits her door step at 4151 Prospect Avenue.

Louise, Sonny and Jason Import Gayporn and Gummi Bears. Big mob business that.

i WISH claudia would get better coz so far she's horrible horrible horrible!

I was hoping for better stuff with K&M on the run .. this jerry stuff .. yawn!

I miss your screencaps tho. Please bring them back!

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