I Want To Buy This Man A Conscience For His Birthday
Like many adolescents, inspired both by the adventures of The Baby Sitters Club and the sad reality that there were no other employment opportunities for a child younger than sixteen, I spent much of my youth babysitting. From twelve to sixteen, I babysat regularly for several families, and played many games of school, princess, and the ultra hated Monopoly and watched more hours of Nick Jr. than I care to count and promptly spent my hard-earned money on, like, jewelry from Claire's and terrible CDs.
One evening, I was watching two sisters, and one of them suggested that we play beauty salon.
"And," she said excitedly, "I will give you a Mohawk".
"A pretend Mohawk, right?"
"No, a real one!" She held up a pair of scissors for emphasis.
"That," I said, as kindly as I could, "is a terrible idea".
She shouted, "YOU'RE A TERRIBLE IDEA" and ran out of the room in tears.
I can't help but think that the exact same scenario plays out amongst the AMC writers, with Charles Pratt hysterically shooting down any voice of reason ("YOU'RE AN UNORIGINAL PLOT BOUGHT AT THE DEMENTIA FACTORY"). Sadly, though, he's the one in charge and does not need to flee the set in tears, instead taking the opportunity to film and broadcast his scary ideas for all to see.
So it turns out that Kendall has someone who looks uncannily like her (like, seriously, I gasped at the big reveal because the similarities are so striking)
and, even more luckily, is willing to pretend to be Kendall and be incarcerated for fifteen years to life. Fancy that!
What...the hell? I was trying to think of how much money it would take to get me to agree to such a bizarre stunt and came up with eleventy billion dollars (with the stipulation that I also get James Franco's phone number) and even that doesn't seem like it would be enough. After all, this very show (along with Oz and the repeat of SVU where Olivia went undercover) taught me the important lesson that prison is a terrible place.
(Also...her fingerprints didn't pose a problem? Is she going to wear a fake scar on her chest for the duration of her sentence? I know that asking these people to write something factually accurate is going far beyond their skill set, but STILL).
And while I'm asking questions: wouldn't it make sense for Kendall to, I don't know, be informed of the fact that there is an actual safe room in her house? It seems like it would be useless if she didn't know about it and was in danger. And she's in a perpetual state of danger!
And why is Jesse risking so much for Kendall? I mean, yes, she is awesome, but it seems odd that he's crossing so many lines in keeping her out of prison while not doing a damn thing about finding the person who actually did murder the beloved Stuart. Unless it's that Zach knows about Jesse and Randi and their ridiculous North cover up plot? That makes a bare minimum of sense, so I'll go with that.
I have to admit that Kendall being locked in a secret room SHOULD disturb and offend me in myriad ways, especially when Zach throws around lines like
Zach: You are where you are supposed to be, with me and our boys. You will never leave us.
(I swear I've heard that line before, in a movie with cannibals!)
but it is so twisted and intriguing, and...it makes sense for these two particular people. With any other couple, I'd be revolted (like, if Sonny locked Claudia away in a room, I'd write angry letters to ABC while projectile vomiting), but, you know, Zach has the Cambias Crazy, so it makes sense. I reserve the right to change this opinion on a whim as early as 1:02 tomorrow afternoon!
What year is it? And who hates Jamie Luner enough that they put her in this ill-fitting shiny monstrosity on loan from the Dorothy Zbornak collection?
The AMC wardrobe department is
b) Staffed entirely by card carrying members of the Marcy Walker fan club
c) full of fail
d) staffed by blind, fail-filled, card-carrying members of the Marcy Walker fan club
I have officially given up on Annie. I LOVE Melissa Claire Egan, and she sells the hell out of whatever crap she's given, but the "Is she crazy? Is she evil? Is she misunderstood?" merry-go-round is giving me migraines AND, on top of it all, I just don't care anymore. I get annoyed when I realize that an episode is an Annie Day, because she exhausts me, with her ever changing motivations and her asking her daughter to lie for her and her strolling around the mansion in her bathing suit, as if that is the kind of attire is appropriate to wear when your shrink comes to assess your ability to stand trial.
Plus, she is directly responsible for the most traumatic scene on AMC in a long time.
Adam:What I'm trying to say, Joe, is, I'm marrying again, heh, to a much younger woman, and we both know that men half our age would have to struggle keeping up with that one, heh heh, but, well, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'll stand -- I'll hold up, but somewhere down the road, I might need some stamina insurance, you understand? Ha ha! Yeah. Think of it as my own personal stimulus package. Ha ha ha! You know what I'm talking about, don't you?
There is so much more that I want to say, but the second hand embarrassment and horror I felt while watching that scene are best conveyed thusly: "..."
Poor David Canary!
I ALMOST care about Annie's potential with Scott, and that's really because I am hoping for Scott to get a story of his own besides mooning over the blandly perfect Marissa*. Adam Mayfield makes bizarre expressions sometimes, and goes over-the-top in conveying emotion (like, you don't literally need to make your eyes bug out to make it seem like you are shocked), but I think he's more than a little adorable. And he's a giant! I have a soft spot for people who are nine feet taller than their co-workers.
*What kind of a person reacts to being shot by saying, of the shooter, "Oh. Poor Marian. You could see it when she testified. Her whole world just disappeared when Stuart died. I know how she feels. I nearly went crazy when I lost my mom and dad." A MARY SUE KIND OF PERSON WHO I WANT TO KICK IN THE TEETH REACTS THAT WAY. Ohmigod, she's so perfect and kind and understanding and vom!
Actually, "vom" pretty accurately describes the state of the whole show...