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« Surely I Hallucinated | Main | The B-Word »

August 11, 2009

I Want To Buy This Man A Conscience For His Birthday

Like many adolescents, inspired both by the adventures of The Baby Sitters Club and the sad reality that there were no other employment opportunities for a child younger than sixteen, I spent much of my youth babysitting. From twelve to sixteen, I babysat regularly for several families, and played many games of school, princess, and the ultra hated Monopoly and watched more hours of Nick Jr. than I care to count and promptly spent my hard-earned money on, like, jewelry from Claire's and terrible CDs.

One evening, I was watching two sisters, and one of them suggested that we play beauty salon.

"And," she said excitedly, "I will give you a Mohawk".

"A pretend Mohawk, right?"

"No, a real one!" She held up a pair of scissors for emphasis.

"That," I said, as kindly as I could, "is a terrible idea".

She shouted, "YOU'RE A TERRIBLE IDEA" and ran out of the room in tears.

I can't help but think that the exact same scenario plays out amongst the AMC writers, with Charles Pratt hysterically shooting down any voice of reason ("YOU'RE AN UNORIGINAL PLOT BOUGHT AT THE DEMENTIA FACTORY"). Sadly, though, he's the one in charge and does not need to flee the set in tears, instead taking the opportunity to film and broadcast his scary ideas for all to see.

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So it turns out that Kendall has someone who looks uncannily like her (like, seriously, I gasped at the big reveal because the similarities are so striking)

Fauxkendall

and, even more luckily, is willing to pretend to be Kendall and be incarcerated for fifteen years to life. Fancy that!

What...the hell? I was trying to think of how much money it would take to get me to agree to such a bizarre stunt and came up with eleventy billion dollars (with the stipulation that I also get James Franco's phone number) and even that doesn't seem like it would be enough. After all, this very show (along with Oz and the repeat of SVU where Olivia went undercover) taught me the important lesson that prison is a terrible place.

(Also...her fingerprints didn't pose a problem? Is she going to wear a fake scar on her chest for the duration of her sentence? I know that asking these people to write something factually accurate is going far beyond their skill set, but STILL).

And while I'm asking questions: wouldn't it make sense for Kendall to, I don't know, be informed of the fact that there is an actual safe room in her house? It seems like it would be useless if she didn't know about it and was in danger. And she's in a perpetual state of danger!

And why is Jesse risking so much for Kendall? I mean, yes, she is awesome, but it seems odd that he's crossing so many lines in keeping her out of prison while not doing a damn thing about finding the person who actually did murder the beloved Stuart. Unless it's that Zach knows about Jesse and Randi and their ridiculous North cover up plot? That makes a bare minimum of sense, so I'll go with that.

I have to admit that Kendall being locked in a secret room SHOULD disturb and offend me in myriad ways, especially when Zach throws around lines like

Zach: You are where you are supposed to be, with me and our boys. You will never leave us.

(I swear I've heard that line before, in a movie with cannibals!)

but it is so twisted and intriguing, and...it makes sense for these two particular people. With any other couple, I'd be revolted (like, if Sonny locked Claudia away in a room, I'd write angry letters to ABC while projectile vomiting), but, you know, Zach has the Cambias Crazy, so it makes sense. I reserve the right to change this opinion on a whim as early as 1:02 tomorrow afternoon!

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Liza

What year is it? And who hates Jamie Luner enough that they put her in this ill-fitting shiny monstrosity on loan from the Dorothy Zbornak collection?

The AMC wardrobe department is

a) Blind

b) Staffed entirely by card carrying members of the Marcy Walker fan club

c) full of fail

d) staffed by blind, fail-filled, card-carrying members of the Marcy Walker fan club

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I have officially given up on Annie. I LOVE Melissa Claire Egan, and she sells the hell out of whatever crap she's given, but the "Is she crazy? Is she evil? Is she misunderstood?" merry-go-round is giving me migraines AND, on top of it all, I just don't care anymore. I get annoyed when I realize that an episode is an Annie Day, because she exhausts me, with her ever changing motivations and her asking her daughter to lie for her and her strolling around the mansion in her bathing suit, as if that is the kind of attire is appropriate to wear when your shrink comes to assess your ability to stand trial.

Plus, she is directly responsible for the most traumatic scene on AMC in a long time.

Adam:What I'm trying to say, Joe, is, I'm marrying again, heh, to a much younger woman, and we both know that men half our age would have to struggle keeping up with that one, heh heh, but, well, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'll stand -- I'll hold up, but somewhere down the road, I might need some stamina insurance, you understand? Ha ha! Yeah. Think of it as my own personal stimulus package. Ha ha ha! You know what I'm talking about, don't you?

There is so much more that I want to say, but the second hand embarrassment and horror I felt while watching that scene are best conveyed thusly: "..."

Poor David Canary!

I ALMOST care about Annie's potential with Scott, and that's really because I am hoping for Scott to get a story of his own besides mooning over the blandly perfect Marissa*. Adam Mayfield makes bizarre expressions sometimes, and goes over-the-top in conveying emotion (like, you don't literally need to make your eyes bug out to make it seem like you are shocked), but I think he's more than a little adorable. And he's a giant! I have a soft spot for people who are nine feet taller than their co-workers.

*What kind of a person reacts to being shot by saying, of the shooter, "Oh. Poor Marian. You could see it when she testified. Her whole world just disappeared when Stuart died. I know how she feels. I nearly went crazy when I lost my mom and dad." A MARY SUE KIND OF PERSON WHO I WANT TO KICK IN THE TEETH REACTS THAT WAY. Ohmigod, she's so perfect and kind and understanding and vom!

Actually, "vom" pretty accurately describes the state of the whole show...

Comments

Wow, that is a pretty surreal and dumb reveal.

Maybe Pratt is consulting with the ghost James E. Reilly via ouija board?

Marissa isn't "good". Remember, she encouraged Liza to go after a very married and in love with Kendall Zach today. So Marissa is in favor of wrecking a marriage. It's the Carey coming out in her. The Zendall storyline is "twisted and intriguing", so far (always have to add "so far" with Pratt's work because he can screw things up in the next scene). It's going to be one heck of a tight rope act that they're asking Alicia Minshew and Thorsten Kaye, TK especially, to pull off and they're not helped by the fact that AMC writers are writing it! But no two better actors could do the job.

It was so brutally bonkers in a bad way today in PV that I can only ask myself one of the questions you posted without sporking my eyeballs out.

What would it take for me to go to prison for a crime I didn't commit?

-50 million dollars

-a private cell equipped w/ a luxury bath and a small kitchen, a stellar mattress w/ 1000 thread count italian sheets and satellite TV w/ a 50 inch plasma screen (with Tivo of course for when I need to record something while I'm shanking somebody in the yard while joining a prison gang)

-my mac and iphone

-conjugal visits from Jason Thompson

The last one is nonnegotiable!

Wow. That bit of Adam dialouge makes me want to vomit. WTF?! Who writes this drivel? This is why we never listen to the Bad Idea Bears, kids!

Zach: You are where you are supposed to be, with me and our boys. You will never leave us.

This was said in the X-Files epi that featured the inbred brothers and their mom/sister with no limbs (so she couldn't run away). The mom/sister got around the house by laying on a skate board and rolling. They tried to kidnap Scully (to make babies) cause the mom/sister couldn't have more kids!

The epi ended with them escaping in a car (with mom/sister in the trunk).

That epi still haunts me.

You are so right about Pratt's inability to come up with an original storyline. The secret room in Casa Slater seems eerily reminiscent of some lunacy involving another one of Sonny's baby's mamas on GH. Do Pratt and Guza share a brain?! Not to mention the "someone else serving jail time" storyline was done on Breaking Bad this season. Does plagiarism not apply to daytime? But I'm willing to serve some jail time IF one of the benefits is spending a week alone with Zach Slater in his secret room!!!! That is worth the suffering!!!!!

Marissa is boring, Liza really needs a "what not to wear" intervention, and Scott seems to be taking acting advice from some of his lesser-talented co-stars. He may be tall, but the last thing AMC needs is another bug-eyed fool on the show.

Finally, I hate anyone that makes David Canary look inept or impotent in or out of the bedroom. So Annie Lavery really needs to leave the room now!!! MCE is a fine actress, but Annie Lavery is reaching Ryan Lavery levels of annoying and exhausting. Free Adam Chandler!!!!

I find this "Zach keeps Kendall locked up in a dark room that absolutely nobody knows about" thing way hotter than I should. Please send help.

Not for nothing..

How come when Marian shoots someone (and we know she did - we saw it) and it's the wrong someone - because she is sick with grief over the loss of her husband, she gets immediately taken to a mental hospital to help her out. But when Kendall "shoots" someone (and no one has seen it except a 7 year old but that's later on in the story) - and it's the wrong someone because SHE is sick with GRIEF over the supposed loss of her SON, she is charged with MURDER #1????

It's little things like this that add to my confusion when trying to sit through an episode of AMC.

I couldn't care less about Marissa but the way they had her fondly joking with LIza (with warm and fuzzy music playing in the background) about her feelings for a married man going through a terrible time in his life was repugnant at best. Another character trashed to push a stupid as all get out storyline with Liza.

I think you left out one choice as to why Liza's clothes are so ugly...perhaps not only are they Marcy Walker fans but also Zendall fans, because the comparison of how Lish looks vs how Jamie looks is strikingly ridiculous.

The stupidity of having a safe room in the house that Kendall was not told about was nuts as all get out...but frankly, I am so happy that Zach and Kendall are stuck someone where they can have a conversation that last more than 3 seconds without Ryan showing up, I am willing to go with it. I am sure this secret room will be a secret for about 2 seconds..but while it lasts, I am ok with it.

My favorite parts of the show recently have been Zach slamming the door in #1 Ryan's face and then slamming the door in #2 Liza's face. Could anyone get Pratt to come to the Slater household next?

SO happy I haven't watched the show this week (too sick to my stomach over the LA move). A random lookalike. Brilliant.

Also, I hate Zach and Kendall right now and I don't want to. I realize we'll find out later that she's mistaken, but right now Kendall thinks she is a murderer. And not a crazed grief-stricken woman who accidentally shot someone, but someone who PLOTTED this murder with her husband "in case" her son died (and did not wait 10 seconds after said "death" to go off to kill him). Completely premeditated, punishable by death (though that almost never happens in PA and admittedly there are a million mitigating circumstances). But she and Zach think it's okay for her not to serve any time for this???

Eww.

So frankly I don't care about those two anymore until we learn that she didn't actually do it.

Forgive me if I'm misremembering this, but didn't the whole "look alike willing to go to jail for X" happen (or almost happen) a mere handful of years ago on General Hospital?

Jordan....it was very similar....Nik's lookalike Connor (funny how he forgot about him in all his "Why can't you all treat Rebecca like Emily just cause she looks like Emily?" Diatribes at Lucky for looking at her) came to Port Charles to make Helena think Nik wasn't in jail and Connor was for her murder. It was very convulted (no shock there I'm sure)and made about as much sense as anything did when Guza/Pratt wrote together.

And yes...he was there when Ric locked Carly in the panic room too. Figures he apparently thought it was foreplay and not creepy.

They already copy each other...its only going to get worse when they are like across the street from each other isn't it?

*pats Mallory on the head and says soothingly*

There, there, sweetie. You're thinking too much. It's okay. Just take this pill. You'll feel better.


I think Pratt locks the other writers in a room, chained to their chairs, and only lets them out when they've been worn down enough and haven't eaten in a few day so the only choice they have is to write this mess.

You know, kind of like how his bffs Frons and Guza make their actors tweet for them.

Is that really not Alicia Minshew? Seriously? Wow.

If so, I'm pretty sure the actress that they have playing the faux Kendall was spotted by somebody from the casting department, and they just freaked out at how much she looked like Alicia Minshew, so they decided to write this particular nonsensical turn in the already ridiculous murder story just to use her.

Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous, but is it any worse than the rest of the crap the show is throwing at the screen?

Mike, that theory makes far more sense than anything I've been able to come up with.

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