The One With Resolution!
Finally, General Hospital remembered that it was a soap opera and gave us that classic daytime staple: the Friday cliffhanger. I don't know about you, but I spent the better part of the weekend hoping that today's GH would hurry up and get here so that I could have closure on one of the most intriguing, suspenseful GH moments of late.
Elizabeth: I forgot the cake.
Nikolas: Uh-oh. Did you hear that, boys? No cake. What--
Cameron: Ohh! We're out of here!
I could not wait to see if Cam would get his cake, or if he'd make good on his threat and strike out on his own, as an emancipated minor! Would he, like so many waifs before him, get a job at Kelly's and have awkward conversations with his parents when they dropped in for coffee?
Luckily, it never came to that, as Lucky's field trip with the boys proved successful and they came home with the cake.
Let's all sigh in relief together!
Speaking of sighing in relief, Carly, Sonny, Alexis, and Jax all did the same when Jason and Sam fulfilled their promise and brought Michael and Kristina home safely. No, wait, that hasn't happened yet, because Jason and Sam are too busy recovering from dangerous injuries and also getting it on.
(Related: whenever Jason clutches his wound, he looks like he is about to perform a heartfelt musical number
Is he taking requests? Because if Jason Morgan sang, "My Heart Will Go On" with full on Celine Dion mannerisms, I would not say a bad word about him for a month!)
I have no opinion on who's zoomin' who or what couples are destined to be together, and I don't even mind Jason and Sam reconnecting, but...aren't they supposed to be looking for Michael and Kristina?! Isn't that why Carly shrieked in Alexis's face that Alexis shouldn't dare hire a private investigator because Jason is handling it? He's handling something all right, but that's not going to get Michael and Kristina back to Port Charles!
It would probably be easier to have a handle on Jason and Sam reconnecting if I had any idea what was happening in any of their scenes, which I do not because, as Louise mentioned on Facebook, Steve Burton and Kelly Monaco have been completely unintelligible in their scenes lately and it gets worse on a daily basis. Why do they both whisper so much?! And it's like they feed off of the other person's whispering and whisper even more. Why are the GH directors as hopelessly inept as the writers?! I had been having good luck with the closed captioning, but today even the CC gave up trying to make sense of what these two were saying, so I can only imagine that it was random and poorly-written.
So...Liz and Nikolas, who have been friends and in-laws for years, are now so attracted to each other that they can't be alone together for longer than thirty seconds without dry humping. In the hands of talented writers, we possibly would have been treated to something like "build up" or "logical points of view for each character" that would make it a little less jarring, but as it stands, I'm left going "But...you're not supposed to be...why are you doing that?" whenever they mack.
(I had a similar reaction when I learned that JK Simmons was, in addition to being Dr. Skoda AND Vernon Schillinger, the voice of the Yellow M&M. "But...that's not supposed to be...stop!" To be perfectly honest, I still have a problem watching the M&M commercials without yelling, like, "Santa, watch out! He is going to psychoanalyze you and then spew racial epithets!")
At any rate, the awkwardness following their kiss was not lost on the ever perceptive Jake, who, upon returning from Lucky's field trip to go get cake, gave a quick glance in Nik's direction and then turned and gave a "Not with my momma, you're not" face that pleased me greatly.
I've spent the better part of the afternoon having chest pains, by the way. This is surely because I am being suffocated by the weight of the GH writers making clever references to the Dominante situation at every possible opportunity, practically shouting, "GET IT? DO YOU GET IT NOW? WHAT ABOUT NOW? HERE'S ANOTHER SUBTLE ALLUSION, DID YOU GET THAT ONE? AWESOME, RIGHT? GET IT? HAHA, WE ARE AWESOME!"
Carly: No, I want you to hear me out. I think you're better than all this. You seem like a solid guy. I mean, and you just--it's a waste. I mean, you want to be a criminal? You want to throw your whole life away?
GET IT? Because Dominante is NOT a criminal, and he is NOT throwing his whole life away! HA!
Dominante: Now you're starting to sound like my mom.
Carly: I'd probably like her.
GET IT? Because Carly DOES know his mother and like her!
Dominante: Well, I don't know if Sonny deserves all the credit. You seem like a pretty strong-willed and courageous woman to me.
GET IT? Because Carly is strong-willed and awesome!
I am SO READY for this secret to be revealed. I can't take many more of the writers' clever inside jokes, and I surely can't take much more of Olivia's eyes bulging out in panic every time someone interacts with Dominante.
That facial expression is straight out of a silent movie where the heroine has the vapors. Way to not at all hide the fact that you have a huge, life altering secret, Liv!
Sonny: Can you believe how many home runs they're hitting out of that park?
Morgan: I know. I mean, A-Rod went deep twice, and then Johnny Damon--I mean, he hit one out. And then in the ninth, Jeter made his move, and that pretty much sealed the deal.
Sonny: I saw the same highlight.
Morgan: Oh, you mean the one where he backhanded it, and he was all, like, he almost fell over, and then he got up and gunned it to Teixeira. I think I'm gonna tell my coach that I want to play shortstop.
The Yankees are currently leading the AL East and I'd like to keep it that way. Please stop mentioning them on your show, as I am reasonably sure that being associated with your poison in any way will jinx them.
And then Claudia offered to get pregnant with another future serial killer:
Claudia: You know. That's not something you've ever been able to be before--honest, live honestly. You said so yourself. At least with me, you know that you can be. Because... I would never raise our son or daughter to fear you or what you do. Or son or daughter would be your heir and would be proud of you and the life that we all live and that we built together. You know, I know that you love your children. But you don't really know them, Sonny. And that's not your fault. These different women that you've chosen to be with in your life, they don't understand your life the way that I do. They don't know. I know. This is the first time you'd be able to have a child... That was really yours.
Because...that's...a...moving gesture? Would we call that moving? It's a gesture at any rate. Well, it's actually more of a cry for help than it is a gesture, even, but at any rate, if we're in for more Sonny/Claudia sex scenes, I'm...well, I'm not out, but I am cranky in advance!
*Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason