My Heart! My Stomach! My Antonio!
So you say your General Hospital nostalgia is so strong, your yearning to remember the days when the show didn't stink the place up so intense, your affection for Antonio Sabato Jr.'s bare torso so longstanding that you will watch even his cheesy, low-rent VH1 reality dating show fame-grab -- er, quest for love? Well, that'll learn ya, huh? Fortunately for the smarter of you out there who avoided it, we took one for the team and live-blogged this thing. Read on, but beware, the scent of desperation may overwhelm you even through the internet!
[By the way, we could not keep all these women straight, so at some point soon we will bring you the e-flashcard version of Know Your Desperate Famewhores! It should be both fun and educational, which is the balance we always try to strike.]
Mallory: I hope your vaccinations are all in order, because we are in for a long hour of skankery
Becca: I even took some preventative antibiotics, just in case. You, at least, have watched a VH1 reality dating show before, haven't you? I'm totally inexperienced!
Mallory: I'm not particularly proud to admit that I have, and that each show has killed a part of my soul, which is why it's becoming rapidly clear that I am dead inside.
Mallory: I am TOTALLY resisting the impulse to make a virgin who can't drive joke about you, by the by
Becca: I know! I almost added "which makes me totally different, I suspect, from the contestants on this show." But I thought they might take my feminist card for that. Though if they haven't for watching GH, the revocation standards aren't that high...
Mallory: Do you have VH1 on now, btw? I can sort of get debasing yourself for Jagger, but not for this random girl famous for being on VH1 reality shows.
Becca: I do not. I can only deal in limited doses. Plus I had to see which house this lovely English couple chose in northern Spain on House Hunters International.
Mallory: House Hunters International? Nerd Alert!
Becca: Whatever, you like Harry Potter! And I was merely trying to culture-it-up a bit in anticipation of our next hour. What random girl?
Mallory: Megan...something or other, from Beauty and the Geek AND Rock of Love AND Rock of Love Charm School AND I Love Money.
Becca: What?! She was a contestant on all of those?
Mallory: YES! She was!
Becca: And she didn't get chosen (er, "chosen") on those, so they brought her back? How tragic. Add it to the list of things I don't understand about VH1.
Mallory: Oooh! Here we go
Becca: OMG, it's five seconds in and we have multiple shirtless shots!
Mallory: Opening on a shirtless shot was a wise move, VH1 producers
Becca: Ugh, I miss Hawaii.
Mallory: The credit sequences features lots of shirtlessness and tight shirts. I think they know who their target audience is.
Becca: In this instance I am happy to be a lowest common denominator.
Becca: Whoever called Jagger "the hunk with a heart," or told ASJ it is okay to refer to yourself that way, complete with airquotes?
Mallory: He didn't seem as ashamed as he should have been to refer to himself in that way. Although if he had any sense of shame, he wouldn't be on this show in the first place, so I suppose it is a moot point.
Becca: Can we talk about that "clip" from GH? It was, like, someone pointing a camcorder in the general direction of a TV!
Becca: Could they not clear the clip? Is that how you get around ABC Daytime being assholes? Not that you can ever get around ABC being assholes, in the bigger picture sense.
Mallory: I love getting to meet all of the new contestants and learning why they are on the show. Like, Random Girl #1 loved ASJ as Jagger, and Random Girl #2 liked him in the Janet Jackson video. Honeys, what you like is the camera.
Mallory: And Christi is a former playmate--shocker!
Becca: I'm sure she's very intelligent, Mallory. Or has huge boobs. One or the other.
Becca: Why did he jump off a perfectly good boat?
Mallory: All the better to film him in slow motion emerging from the ocean, to the enraptured comments of the girls. Such as: "I want to pour champagne into his dimples and suck it out". We're only a few minutes into the episode and she went to the sucking place!
Becca: It's his show and he only gets a "Featuring"? Boy needs a talking-to from permanent Special Guest Star Heather Locklear. I bet Frisco could hook him up!
Becca: Did he almost drown on his way in? I was so concerned, I missed the dimples comment!
Mallory: I also like how he described walking up to the girls as "It was really blurry". He just called them Monets and I don't think he even knew it (as I am guessing he is unfamiliar with both Monet and Clueless).
Mallory: Did that girl just refer to him as James Bondish? Really? Remember on Night Shift when they made him speak FBI? And how he stumbled over every word longer than three letters?
Becca: Ha! Oh god, they're all doing the reality show fake overlaugh.
Becca: "I haven't had sex in a while, so I would like to do something in that category." That's the classy one for the season, I guess.
Becca: Uh, that one woman is a dude. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But the "woman" is like a drag-queen version of Brooke Hogan, who is already a drag-queen version of herself!
Mallory: At least one of them is male, and almost all of them seem to have had Botox and/or botched facelifts.
Becca: And my god, the amount of makeup. I have spent a lot of time in Hawaii, and you cannot wear that much makeup! They are going to look like actual Monet paintings within the hour.
Mallory: "I hope he speaks Southern". I feel so bad for the south, having girls like this represent it.
Becca: He's already singling out the super-skanky one in red? "What does she have that I don't have?" Um. A vagina?
Becca: Holy crap, did he just call her aside to eliminate her because of her feet, in the first two minutes?
Mallory: He...just dumped her over flip flops! I knew that no good would come of the ominous closeups of said flip flops, but still!
Becca: I mean, I have probably rejected men for shallower reasons, but not on national TV!
Mallory: And now they are all getting catty over her elimination and her (admittedly trashy) dress, asking sarcastically if they are in a strip club. No, dear, aim lower than a strip club and then you'd be about right.
Becca:Yeah, I don't think they'll let you near a pole after you do this show. They don't want your VH1 dating show cooties!
Mallory: I understand that having a reality show is 95% about being on camera again, but couldn't he have just released a sex tape? That would be infinitely less humiliating than what I think we are about to see.
Becca: And probably more lucrative -- I mean, how much money can VH1 have?
Becca: OH MY GOD, according to this commercial, they are bringing back Behind the Music?! Never mind, they are going to make money hand over fist.
Mallory: "This is really important to me. This is not a game". Oh, honey, you were never a good enough actor to make that believable.
Becca: "I was really truly captured by his soul." In the part of the country where you live, dear -- where those highlights are acceptable, presumably -- does "soul" mean "torso"?
Mallory: Maybe where they all seemed to get their boobs done, it does?
Becca: They're digging through goat skulls for sneakers, to cover their feet that he doesn't want damaged in the physical fitness challenge that is part of his honest, real attempt to find true love? Those are all words in English, but somehow they don't make sense to me.
Mallory: We are watching women climb up a mountain to get the attention and, perhaps, affection of a former soap star and underwear model. I...feel uncomfortable.
Becca: I know! They are literally crawling on their hands and knees to get a man they don't know to talk to them!
Becca: My god, this Jennifer woman is absolutely ripped, though.
Mallory: She is!
Becca: Why didn't she do a higher-caliber reality show? Or something else less dehumanizing, like...wrestling, or Wipeout?
Becca: I like this slowpoke who is suddenly motivated by "the clink of earrings" behind her. Hilar.
Mallory: "I'm cutting my knees up...I never want to [expletive] do anything like that again"...it would be crass to make a joke about her being on her knees, wouldn't it?
Becca: Wait, are you saying we've agreed not to be crass? I made no such agreement. I thought crassness would be required for this recap
Mallory: Well, in that case, her unwillingness to be on her knees will surely interfere with her day job, on the corner.
Becca: Oh good, there's more than one Playmate. Phew.
Mallory: I like that VH1 is so staunchly committed to giving Playmates a second chance at relevancy.
Becca: They have to, after Playmates were so brutally left out of the economic stimulus legislation.
Mallory: This primping montage just brought us the phrase "Poke-a-hot-ass".
Becca: Did she say that? I totally heard Pocahontas. This is where your previous VH1 viewing comes in handy.
Mallory: I hope she said it and that I didn't just insert a lame, tawdry pun into a VH1 show before one of their talents did! That means these shows are getting to me!
Becca: Please promise me you will never let me get into a situation in which I am telling another woman on national television "your tits look really good."
Mallory: I solemnly swear that I will put us both out of our misery should you ever be compelled to participate in a televised competition for a d-list star.
Becca: Bless you.
Becca: Okay, the other girl, I think the one who previously commented on another girl's boobs, did in fact say Poke-a-hot-ass. I rewound on the commercial just to be sure. I am going to have to take a break from the live-blogging so that I can shower that away now.
Mallory: I don't like how ASJ looks in shorts and a hoodie! It's so frattish. AND he just claimed that he is shy, which only solidifies my growing distaste.
Becca: "I'm really a shy guy." Yeah, I've always sensed that. Like when I saw your package six-feet high on billboards.
Mallory: OMG, this makeup artist senses "genuineness" in the man looking to score a date through televised competition.
Becca: Maybe it's true that the petroleum in cosmetics rots your brain.
Mallory: When some of these women describe their occupation as "model", what, exactly, do you think they model?
Becca: Maybe they model, like, nail polish.
Becca: Did he sincerely just ask "What condition is your heart in right now?" I wanted her to answer "Well, it is having trouble pumping blood to my penis in this bikini, Antonio."
Mallory: I liked her response: "Totally absolutely ready to, like, go and, like, do it. Absolutely". She's the poet of the season.
Mallory: "Are you more nervous as me?" Oh, Antonio. Don't speak.
Becca: Yes, just hush Pretty. Hush.
Becca: Is Sarah on meth? Or is she 15?
Mallory: I assumed drunk and socially retarded
Becca: I don't know why I skipped right over drunk.
Becca: Did Antonio's mommy just show up?
Mallory: Antonio's mama knows how to make a dramatic entrance!
Becca: She so does!
Mallory: That's a hat only a drag queen could love.
Becca: A drag queen, and me! The hat, the hair, the speaking Italian, the comments about not liking "fake boobs" when her lips do not occur in nature....it's all amazing.
Becca: Ha, mama has hated all his exes and she hates these contenders too.
Mallory: I love how she immediately criticized the women with the biggest implants and the biggest penis. She is a good judge of character, you have to give her that.
Becca: It's true. Character and appendages.
Mallory: Well, if he supported his mother's plastic surgery, that explains why he's hard up enough to need a reality show.
Becca: They say men want to marry their mothers, and probably only on a reality show will you encounter women with that level of work having been done.
Becca: VH1 still shows music videos, according to this commercial?
Mallory: VH1 does show videos at, like, 5 in the morning, and it is always the same six videos in a loop.
Mallory: I am unsure why they feel it is appropriate to air Lady Gaga that early in the morning.
Becca: VH1 showing videos is like SOAPNet showing soaps. It's just something I assumed doesn't happen anymore.
Becca: It is not appropriate to air Lady Gaga unless I am very, very drunk. And that is rarely early in the morning.
Mallory: Although she does fit in quite nicely with the menagerie of freaks on their dating shows.
Becca: It's a channel with a theme after all!
Mallory: I miss when their theme was "We're like MTV, but for older people". I'm unsure about this "Viva la skank!" branding.
Becca: DAMN, Courtney gets the boot at the :33 mark!
Becca: Now what will I do with all my "she's a dude!" jokes?! Thanks a lot, Antonio's Mom.
Mallory: Well, I think about half of them have some, um, man in them.
Becca: I am resisting comments right now
Mallory: "I hope you saw me for who I am"...um, a famewhore, ASJ?
Becca: Right. I see you as kind of creepily desperate.
Becca: Wow, this woman is totally batshit.
Mallory: This fight went from "Don't ruin my stuff, because lucite heels aren't free" to "You're an irresponsible mother" to...I don't even know what really quickly
Mallory: ASJ's obsession with hands and feet is starting to distress me
Becca: As are his floral shorts and plaid cap.
Becca: If I were Sarah, I might run from him too in that outfit.
Becca:Even if I weren't on meth, which I'm still pretty sure she is.
Becca: Sweet fancy Moses, their children would be dumber than Britney Spears.
Mallory: "Do I have carrots in my teeth?" That's one way to flirt, Sarah. A bad way, but a way nonetheless
Becca: It totally reminded me of the Friends episode in which Ross discovers he is a terrible flirt.
Becca: Didn't he ask a woman about the smell of sewage?
Mallory: Hee! Yes!
Mallory: This chick has a huge case of the crazy eyes
Becca: Anju is Krazy. Yes, with a capital K.
Becca: I cannot get over his cap!
Mallory: I am equally disturbed by the trucker cap one of the girls was wearing. What year is it?!
Becca: She's the one who said the problem with relationships today is that women are too independent, so . . . 1962?
Becca: Enormous collagen lips aside, Antonio's mother is beautiful. Not that that is surprising, given how he looks.
Mallory: Yes, that is a family with some killer genes. If only they had equally killer fashion sense.
Becca: And holy god, I LOVE her bitchface. It's epic.
Mallory: Sneering contempt seems to be her default expression, which makes her looks of outright hatred even better
Mallory: "Playboy is a classy, tasteful nude magazine". How she managed to get that out with a straight face is beyond me
Becca: Mama's look when Christie said that little nugget of phoniness was amazing.
Becca: I just adore her. Her grilling of Sarah, who just knocked me over by revealing she is 29 freaking years old, is beautiful.
Mallory: I want to watch this conversation on an endless loop.
Mama Sabato Jr.: What do you do for a living?
Sarah: What do I do? I don’t do anything right now, but I’ve done some stuff.
Mama Sabato Jr.: What does that mean?
Sarah: What does that mean?
Mama Sabato Jr.: Yeah, “some stuff.” What do you want to be when you grow up?
Sarah: What do I want to be? I have no idea.
Mama Sabato Jr.: How old are you?
Sarah: I’m going to be 29.
Mama Sabato Jr.: And when, like, do you think you will find out? At what age?
Sarah: I have no idea. Yeah.
Mama Sabato Jr.: Is it going to come to you in some way?
My Antonio: Don’t be too hard on her.
Sarah: I hope it does.
Mama Sabato Jr.: No, no, I’m trying to understand…
My Antonio: I know, but…
Mama Sabato Jr.: I’m trying to understand how she thinks…
My Antonio: …but this is not an interrogation, just let her…
Mama Sabato Jr.: …that at 29 – no, no, no, I want to understand people.
My Antonio (in interview): My mother is pretty direct. And at that point, it was just gone downhill [sic] from there.
Mama Sabato Jr.: How can she think that’s it’s going to like just come? Don’t you like have any ambition?
Sarah: I don’t have a mother! I don’t know! I’m sorry, okay?!
Becca:She so is. She threw down that one like a Vegas pro. The squeaky crying was less practiced, however. Shame, Sarah. You should have spent less time doing meth and more time practicing fake sincerity!
Becca: I need for Antonio's mommy to be a guest blogger, BTW. I love her.
Becca: Julann is the name of the woman with the insane highlights, insane trivial fights, and botox that makes her look 50. I'm just trying to learn a name or two. I need mnemonics.
Mallory: Why is he so indulgent of Sarah? I feel like most guys would sense her methiness/mental illness and go running.
Becca: It says a lot about his past love life, actually.
Becca:Okay, I totally called Anju getting booted!
Becca: Is Miranda the one who had a tizzy over Antonio not bringing cuticle oil?
Mallory: Why do these people try to convince the audience that they are shy? What shy person goes onto a reality show where they will almost certainly sleep with a has-been celeb and vomit from drunkenness on camera?
Becca: As with many other words, I feel like "shy" has a different meaning in their part of the country.
Becca: OH MY GOD. "You're not gonna get lei'd"is the show's tagline?!?!?!
Mallory: I like the fact that he had to define the term lei to them, because their minds obviously all went to the gutter the first time he said it. "There's going to be a lay in this tray? How does THAT work?"
Mallory: I used to think Rock of Lovewas the dirtiest show on TV, but that has it beat. At least Bret Michaels's tagline was the relatively family friendly "Your tour ends here"!
Becca: I thought we were getting rid of both of those chicks, though. Is he only going to boot one per show in the future? We are going to be stuck here until next summer.
Becca: "Your tour ends here"? Seriously? I know I said I would never judge you for the TV you watch, but...
Mallory: Get it, like, the band is on tour? Ha...ha? Bret Michaels was so smug every time he said it, too, like he was impressed with his cleverness every week.
Mallory: Don't judge me, for I already judge myself!
Becca: Well, as long as you have it covered.
Becca: Okay, so of course I had to look up this "first and only wife" who has shown up to declare her love and generally implement producer-created shenanigans. She and Antonio provide yet another cautionary tale about getting married too young. He was 19! And she's nine years old than he is. He has a real thing for older women, huh?
Mallory: He also has a real thing for testosterone, it seems.
Mallory: Remember when I learned that he has a kid with Virginia Madsen and my head literally exploded?
Becca: Grey matter everywhere.
Mallory: It was disturbing to know that a piece of pop culture knowledge passed me by like that! And it was disturbing to know that they were ever a couple. How random.
Becca: I'm still most disturbed by the blouse they had Virginia wear in the Dawson's Creek series finale. Or that she was in the Dawson's Creek series finale. Don't even get me started on her getting to make out with Josh Jackson.
Becca: So "Tully" wants to win him back, huh?
Mallory: Funny how it took him getting a weekly reality show to grant her, an aspiring actress, that epiphany!
Becca: "You're old news. You made us all miserable." So I guess from the preview that Mama isn't sure how she feels about ol' Tully.
Mallory: Heee. Yes, she is unreadable, that woman
Becca: "I don't work out every day for nothing, ::wink::." Sigh. I worry this show is going to make me hate Antonio.
Becca: But that said, that preview of the coming season was kind of incredible in its awfulness. I will totally watch.
Mallory: Oh, yes, it looks heinous, in the best way.
So there you go: We survived to view again. We probably don't have sufficient energy or virus protection on our computers to live-blog and screencap every episode, but we will keep you informed of any critical developments. And document shirtlessness. Naturally.