So you say your General Hospital nostalgia is so strong, your yearning to remember the days when the show didn't stink the place up so intense, your affection for Antonio Sabato Jr.'s bare torso so longstanding that you will watch even his cheesy, low-rent VH1 reality dating show fame-grab -- er, quest for love? Well, that'll learn ya, huh? Fortunately for the smarter of you out there who avoided it, we took one for the team and live-blogged this thing. Read on, but beware, the scent of desperation may overwhelm you even through the internet!
[By the way, we could not keep all these women straight, so at some point soon we will bring you the e-flashcard version of Know Your Desperate Famewhores! It should be both fun and educational, which is the balance we always try to strike.]
Mallory: I hope your vaccinations are all in order, because we are in for a long hour of skankery
Becca: I even took some preventative antibiotics, just in case. You, at least, have watched a VH1 reality dating show before, haven't you? I'm totally inexperienced!
Mallory: I'm not particularly proud to admit that I have, and that each show has killed a part of my soul, which is why it's becoming rapidly clear that I am dead inside.
Mallory: I am TOTALLY resisting the impulse to make a virgin who can't drive joke about you, by the by
Becca: I know! I almost added "which makes me totally different, I suspect, from the contestants on this show." But I thought they might take my feminist card for that. Though if they haven't for watching GH, the revocation standards aren't that high...
Mallory: Do you have VH1 on now, btw? I can sort of get debasing yourself for Jagger, but not for this random girl famous for being on VH1 reality shows.
Becca: I do not. I can only deal in limited doses. Plus I had to see which house this lovely English couple chose in northern Spain on House Hunters International.
Mallory: House Hunters International? Nerd Alert!
Becca: Whatever, you like Harry Potter! And I was merely trying to culture-it-up a bit in anticipation of our next hour. What random girl?
Mallory: Megan...something or other, from Beauty and the Geek AND Rock of Love AND Rock of Love Charm School AND I Love Money.
Becca: What?! She was a contestant on all of those?
Mallory: YES! She was!
Becca: And she didn't get chosen (er, "chosen") on those, so they brought her back? How tragic. Add it to the list of things I don't understand about VH1.
Mallory: Oooh! Here we go
Becca: OMG, it's five seconds in and we have multiple shirtless shots!
Mallory: Opening on a shirtless shot was a wise move, VH1 producers
Becca: Ugh, I miss Hawaii.
Mallory: The credit sequences features lots of shirtlessness and tight shirts. I think they know who their target audience is.
Becca: In this instance I am happy to be a lowest common denominator.
Becca: Whoever called Jagger "the hunk with a heart," or told ASJ it is okay to refer to yourself that way, complete with airquotes?
Mallory: He didn't seem as ashamed as he should have been to refer to himself in that way. Although if he had any sense of shame, he wouldn't be on this show in the first place, so I suppose it is a moot point.