Serial Drama

My Heart! My Stomach! My Antonio!

So you say your General Hospital nostalgia is so strong, your yearning to remember the days when the show didn't stink the place up so intense, your affection for Antonio Sabato Jr.'s bare torso so longstanding that you will watch even his cheesy, low-rent VH1 reality dating show fame-grab -- er, quest for love?  Well, that'll learn ya, huh?  Fortunately for the smarter of you out there who avoided it, we took one for the team and live-blogged this thing.  Read on, but beware, the scent of desperation may overwhelm you even through the internet!

[By the way, we could not keep all these women straight, so at some point soon we will bring you the e-flashcard version of Know Your Desperate Famewhores!  It should be both fun and educational, which is the balance we always try to strike.]

Mallory: I hope your vaccinations are all in order, because we are in for a long hour of skankery
Becca: I even took some preventative antibiotics, just in case.  You, at least, have watched a VH1 reality dating show before, haven't you?  I'm totally inexperienced!
Mallory: I'm not particularly proud to admit that I have, and that each show has killed a part of my soul, which is why it's becoming rapidly clear that I am dead inside.
Mallory: I am TOTALLY resisting the impulse to make a virgin who can't drive joke about you, by the by
Becca: I know!  I almost added "which makes me totally different, I suspect, from the contestants on this show."  But I thought they might take my feminist card for that.  Though if they haven't for watching GH, the revocation standards aren't that high...

Mallory: Do you have VH1 on now, btw? I can sort of get debasing yourself for Jagger, but not for this random girl famous for being on VH1 reality shows.
Becca: I do not.  I can only deal in limited doses.  Plus I had to see which house this lovely English couple chose in northern Spain on House Hunters International.
Mallory: House Hunters International? Nerd Alert!
Becca: Whatever, you like Harry Potter!  And I was merely trying to culture-it-up a bit in anticipation of our next hour.  What random girl?
Mallory: Megan...something or other, from Beauty and the Geek AND Rock of Love AND Rock of Love Charm School AND I Love Money.
Becca: What?!  She was a contestant on all of those?
Mallory: YES! She was!
Becca: And she didn't get chosen (er, "chosen") on those, so they brought her back?  How tragic.  Add it to the list of things I don't understand about VH1.

Mallory: Oooh! Here we go
Becca: OMG, it's five seconds in and we have multiple shirtless shots!

Mallory: Opening on a shirtless shot was a wise move, VH1 producers
Becca: Ugh, I miss Hawaii. 
Mallory: Jealous!
Mallory: The credit sequences features lots of shirtlessness and tight shirts. I think they know who their target audience is.
Becca:  In this instance I am happy to be a lowest common denominator.
Becca: Whoever called Jagger "the hunk with a heart," or told ASJ it is okay to refer to yourself that way, complete with airquotes?

Mallory: He didn't seem as ashamed as he should have been to refer to himself in that way. Although if he had any sense of shame, he wouldn't be on this show in the first place, so I suppose it is a moot point.

Horror Has A New Name

Rebecca: Nikolas, are you all right?

Nikolas: Why? Shouldn't I be?

Rebecca: I don't know. I mean, did something happen?

Nikolas: What's the matter? Afraid I'm gonna hurt you? Merely wanted to give you this.

Rebecca: What's that?

Nikolas: One million dollars. That's what you came to Port Charles for, isn't it, to get what Emily had? Go ahead. Come on. Take it. You earned it, because that is what whores like you do!

I will cop to being excited when Nikolas began to give Rebecca an expert smackdown today, if only because I am excited whenever anybody takes the opportunity to confront Rebecca about the fact that she is awful. I believe my exact words were, "Oh, it is on."

And then it went so very, very wrong. And not even in the "so wrong, it's right" kind of way, where I can at least laugh at the unintentional humor and camp factor. No, this was the "So wrong that I feel terrible for Tyler Christopher and Natalia Livingston that this episode was broadcast to the dozens of people still watching General Hospital, because no person should have to live with that kind of embarrassment" kind of wrong.

There were some parts that I watched from behind my eyes, in a classic pose usually reserved for horror movies (curled up, chin resting on knees, hands covering my face) and others that I couldn't hear over the sound of my own nervous laughter. 

A Family Affair

Mondays are, obviously, universally reviled, but as far as I'm concerned, Sundays are quite nearly as bad, since there is a looming sense of dread hanging over the day, knowing that Monday and its infinite terribleness are right around the corner.

It is for this reason that I attempted to take a sad day and make it better, by having a marathon of The Young and the Restless because, I reasoned, a few hours of my favorite soap on the air would entertain me and distract me from the Monday awfulness just around the corner.

And I assume that is what would have happened had I been able to make it through the marathon without VOMITING, hoping for BLINDNESS and attempting to let loose a string of horrified PROFANITIES (attempted, because I was so disturbed that I couldn't even form words, and just let loose a horror movie scream that would do Eileen Davidson proud) at the fact that...well, I can't even make myself type the words, so I present Soap Opera Digest's recap of the situation:

When Tyra seemed unhappy at the mention of Neil's name, Devon asked if their relationship was in trouble. Devon reminded her that he'd warned her about Neil not being ready to be with her, which infuriated Tyra. Devon called her naïve and Tyra broke down. He comforted her and apologized for upsetting her. They then kissed and began undressing each other. Meanwhile, Roxy and Neil arrived at Devon's for game night, but Neil was called into work. Roxanne entered the doorway and spied Devon and Tyra having sex! She quickly left, making sure they didn't see her.

WHY DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!?! He thought she was his biological aunt until, like, three minutes ago! And she is dating Neil! And she is awful, but her awfulness doesn't even rank in the top ten list of reasons why this is a horrible idea (reasons one through ten are, of course, "This is incestuous". I have no idea what happened in the other storylines on the show, because my inner monologue for the rest of the day was "Why? How? Why? How? No!"

I know that I have asked for Bryton James (formerly Bryton McClure and Just Bryton) to get an actual storyline, but this is not what I meant! In the future, please use this as a cautionary tale and make sure to be ultra specific when it comes to making wishes, or else you will wind up watching a soap character have sex with the woman he always thought was his aunt, and who is just terrible on every conceivable level, and your weekend will be ruined, and you will be forced to repress a lot of memories.

Special Programming Note: My Antonio Premieres This Sunday

Last summer, Antonio Sabato Jr. reprised the role of Jagger on a show so well written and entertaining that it exceeded our (admittedly low) expectations and made us actually look forward to something soap-related.

This year, Antonio Sabato Jr. is...on a show that will also be broadcast on television.

Yes, following in the footsteps of such STD breeding grounds as Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, I Love New York, Real Chance of Love and Daisy of Love, VH1 has given us a new dating reality show, the cleverly titled My Antonio (really, what did Willa Cather ever do to you, VH1?), in which a bevy of large-haired, surgically augmented women compete for the affection of Jagger Cates himself.

We are both disgusted and intrigued, and since we both have low standards and a fondness for ASJ, we'll be tuning in for the season premiere this Sunday, August 16th, at 10.  Since we adore you all so much, we are sparing you a similar fate and will be providing a recap including screencaps!  Now why, you ask, would we screencap this travesty?

 

Because the show represents an in-depth sociological look at the struggle to find love in our modern world amidst myriad challenges, OBVIOUSLY.  And that is totally what we are about here. 

Awfully Boring and Boringly Awful

Three minutes after today's General Hospital ended, I had no recollection of the episode.

As I often do at 4 PM, I turned on TNT to watch Law & Order, which wasn't on today because TNT is broadcasting a PGA tournament, and while I'd usually get annoyed at golf disrupting my routine, L&O is currently in the terrible season where poor Ed Green was paired with that random detective Nina Cassady, who I swear was played by a contest winner and not an actual actress, so I wasn't exactly disappointed about those episodes not being on. Anyway, I hit the "previous channel" button on my remote to see what else was on, and landed on ABC. And I had no idea what I had just watched. "What's on before Oprah? Oh...General Hospital? That was on today? And it was a new episode? Huh."

Since I wasn't seething with rage, and didn't feel the need to shower in order to get the filth off, I knew the episode hadn't featured Sonny, Claudia and Jerry in prominent roles, but I couldn't tell you what happened. At first, I worried that this signaled the onset of dementia, but the more plausible explanation is that this show is so dreadfully dull sometimes that my brain cells can't process it.

I don't know how this show can veer so wildly from wretched and anger-making, to horribly dull and not even once land in "entertaining and good" territory. That's quite a skill the powers-that-be have, isn't it?

I have pieced together a hazy memory of what happened in Port Charles, and there were a few things of note:

• Laura Wright debuted the most hilarious "The hell are you talking about?" face when Carly learned that Kiefer, EVILEVILEVIL boyfriend of Kristina, manhandled Morgan.

I think her shock was part "How could anyone terrorize my precious little boy?" (because Morgan is presh to the extreme, and I pity Christian Alexander for having to threaten Morgan and Molly in one week!) and part "He's stalking around town harassing people and he isn't even in the mob? Hang him!", but it was one hundred percent hilarious.

(Substantially less hilarious? Repeated discussion of how Carly needs to rest and keep her stress levels down because high risk pregnancy and Jax and we get it, writers, really. I know it is important for toddlers to watch television with a lot of repetition, as it helps them learn facts, but the average GH viewer is not a toddler. It's possible that the average GH writer is, however.)

Soap Blog Coalition

Daytime fans you are in for a treat. Mimi Torchin, Mother of Soap Opera Journalism, returns to Daytime Confidential! This is a special interview you'll want to tune in for. (Daytime Confidential)

Robin and Patrick have some of the best dialogue on General Hospital, see which of the latest most memorable made our list (Scrubs Hub)

It's a day that ends in -y, so, naturally, Sam McCall is being threatened, Spinelli is babbling and General Hospital is inventing new levels of terrible. (Serial Drama)

Behind the scenes on a soap - how many tubes of lipstick does it take? Mary Montanari ponders the products from wardrobe to hair spray to makeup to set decor they must use on a soap opera. (Soap Opera Examiner)

In the latest installment of Damon L. Jacobs' lunch with Louise Sorel, the actress shares her experience working on Days of Our Lives, burying Carly alive, and a day in the life as a box of french fries. (We Love Soaps)

The B-Word

Years of watching General Hospital, and recent months of All My Children, have made the word "betray", and all of its forms, my second most loathed word in the English language (first: moist, much like Lily Aldrin; third: Babe), so when Zach opened up his truth-telling tour with:

Zach: You betrayed me. You broke my trust, you broke my heart. I can't let it go.

I involuntarily rolled my eyes, snorted and groaned, which was quite nearly tragic, as I was drinking water at the time. I could have died! This is the second time this week that AMC has nearly put me in physical peril, in addition to mental anguish. Watching this show is hazardous to my health!

It's not that I am opposed to Kendall and Zach airing their grievances and honestly, openly discussing the ways they've hurt each other. I think that's necessary in order for them to have anything approaching a normal relationship. Or at least as normal as a relationship can be when the male partner is keeping the female partner locked away in a secret room.

But--and there's always a but when it comes to AMC, and the but usually begins the sentence "since this is Pratt's AMC, we certainly can't hold out for anything approaching quality"--in order for that to happen, BOTH of them need to vent. It can't just be Zach throwing the word betrayal at Kendall and contemptuously throwing her past transgressions in her face. What ever happened to tit for tat?! [Vulgar "tit for tat" joke redacted because it is more fitting for a discussion of Babe and Krystal Carey than it is Zach and Kendall--Ed.] I want to see Kendall confronting him about his (many) sins, too, especially when he gives her a crystal clear opening to do so!

Zach: You gave yourself to another man.

YOU LITERALLY GAVE A PHYSICAL PART OF YOURSELF TO ANOTHER WOMAN--KENDALL'S SISTER--AND MADE A BABY WITH IT! AND YOU ALSO KILLED HER BROTHER! MY LACK OF CLOSURE ABOUT THESE TWO ISSUES IS MAKING ME ABUSE MY CAPS LOCK KEY!

I Want To Buy This Man A Conscience For His Birthday

Like many adolescents, inspired both by the adventures of The Baby Sitters Club and the sad reality that there were no other employment opportunities for a child younger than sixteen, I spent much of my youth babysitting. From twelve to sixteen, I babysat regularly for several families, and played many games of school, princess, and the ultra hated Monopoly and watched more hours of Nick Jr. than I care to count and promptly spent my hard-earned money on, like, jewelry from Claire's and terrible CDs.

One evening, I was watching two sisters, and one of them suggested that we play beauty salon.

"And," she said excitedly, "I will give you a Mohawk".

"A pretend Mohawk, right?"

"No, a real one!" She held up a pair of scissors for emphasis.

"That," I said, as kindly as I could, "is a terrible idea".

She shouted, "YOU'RE A TERRIBLE IDEA" and ran out of the room in tears.

I can't help but think that the exact same scenario plays out amongst the AMC writers, with Charles Pratt hysterically shooting down any voice of reason ("YOU'RE AN UNORIGINAL PLOT BOUGHT AT THE DEMENTIA FACTORY"). Sadly, though, he's the one in charge and does not need to flee the set in tears, instead taking the opportunity to film and broadcast his scary ideas for all to see.

So it turns out that Kendall has someone who looks uncannily like her (like, seriously, I gasped at the big reveal because the similarities are so striking)

and, even more luckily, is willing to pretend to be Kendall and be incarcerated for fifteen years to life. Fancy that!

What...the hell? I was trying to think of how much money it would take to get me to agree to such a bizarre stunt and came up with eleventy billion dollars (with the stipulation that I also get James Franco's phone number) and even that doesn't seem like it would be enough. After all, this very show (along with Oz and the repeat of SVU where Olivia went undercover) taught me the important lesson that prison is a terrible place.

(Also...her fingerprints didn't pose a problem? Is she going to wear a fake scar on her chest for the duration of her sentence? I know that asking these people to write something factually accurate is going far beyond their skill set, but STILL).

Surely I Hallucinated

It is very hot here, so I'm sure I had a minor heat-induced stroke that caused me to only THINK I saw Joe Isuzu (perhaps he occasionally goes by David Leisure) overacting the hell out of his debut as Salem's new district attorney today.  Right?  Right.

May I also blame the heat for not having blogged about this show since approximately 1998?  Cool.  I mean hot.  Very hot.  Excuse-worthy heated hotness.

Every Little Thing It Does Is Tragic

Today's General Hospital started out poorly, as is its wont, but it was a retread of the last few scenes of Friday's episode, so the poorness had no real effect on me, as I had already experienced it. Little did I know that those few minutes of repeated mediocrity would be the highlight of the entire show!

As the show progressed, I kept thinking that each of the plots featured in the episode would be, hands down, the worst of the day. Such as:

"You know, for a plot with two appealing characters portrayed by good actors, Michael and Kristina being on the run is pretty boring and, well, stupid."

"Well, no, maybe it's not as boring and stupid as Maxie and Spinelli's engagement drama, what with its Spinelli speak overload, and Mac pulling the same overprotective dad stunt as he did when Patrick wanted to marry Robin, and Maxie acting like a completely unhinged brat, because this is just horrible."

"Although Sonny and Claudia's relationship and her seething jealousy over Olivia and Johnny is completely disturbing and...did I really just see Dominante have to listen to Claudia insult his mother and talk about Johnny having sex with her and then imply that his alter ego is also sleeping with her as well?"

And then the episode ended with Sam handcuffed to a chair in Mexico, pimped out to a random unsavory day player by Jerry and then my brain folded itself into a little origami white flag to signal its surrender. You win, General Hospital! I will never again make the mistake of doubting that you can get any worse.