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« Countdown to the Emmys: Day 5 | Main | Countdown to the Emmys: Day 6 »

August 27, 2009

Port Charles Notable Quotables

I will give the General Hospital writers this: they are committed.

(The above sentence could also handily be revised to read "they should be committed" and it would be equally true.)

The problem is that they are committed to all the wrong things. Rather than being staunchly committed to, I don't know, providing quality entertainment five days a week, or drawing from a rich show history, their commitment seems to be proving me wrong (and also tarnishing a four decades old legacy, which may be slightly more important, but for today, we'll go with the proving me wrong part).

It's a mistake I make often, assuming that I've already reached the nadir of any given GH episode. Today, no more than a few minutes into the show, I snorted and said, "That's the dumbest thing I'll hear today".

But we've been down this road before, dear readers. It wasn't the dumbest thing. One of them, sure, but there were many.

Mac: You know, I object to you breathing the same air as my daughter, much less marrying her. And don't tell me Jason protects his own, ok? After what happened to Michael--getting shot, spending a year of his life in a coma, and now he's on the run. Maxie, you'll be in danger every minute of every day of your life.
Maxie: Yeah? Well, I'm not scared. And you're forgetting the most important part. I love Spinelli. He's always believed in me, and he's always been there for me, been faithful.
Mac: You want faithful? Get a golden retriever, all right? You're not marrying this guy.
Maxie: Yeah, I am marrying this guy, and there's nothing that you or anyone else can do to stop me.

I couldn't even properly appreciate Mac's truthy truth-telling! He got in some quality zingers, but they went in one ear and out the other, because my brain collapsed upon itself when Maxie once again went down the "You're not the boss of me! I can marry whoever I want, even if the thought of it repulses me so much that I can't keep the nausea off of my face in between my squealing about how much I truly love him! Take that!" road. 

Maxie, I am busting out the caps lock because I care(d?) about you!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU DO NOT WANT TO MARRY HIM. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE VOMITING IN YOUR MOUTH WHENEVER HE MENTIONS YOUR IMPENDING MARRIAGE.

Maxiesmile

YOU ARE ACTING PETULANT AND DERANGED, AND, BY THE WAY, LOVING SPINELLI WILL DO YOU NO GOOD IF YOUR DUMB ASS GETS SHOT AT, WHICH IT PROBABLY WILL, BECAUSE PORT CHARLES IS A DEN OF SIN. AND ALSO, WHY DO YOU SQUEAK LIKE THAT? STOP IT.

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Johnny: How could I be mad at you, huh? You, you're honest. You're ethical. You know the difference between right and wrong. You... Don't lie to people as easily as you breathe, and you certainly don't compromise yourself every damn day of your life.

Get it? Because Olivia actually is lying to people as easily as she breathes, and she compromises herself every damn day of her life, but Johnny doesn't know it! Do you get it now? Aren't the GH writers so clever with their subtle reminders that Olivia is Dante's mom and that Dominic is Dante and that Sonny is Dante's father and that Dante is a cop? They are, right? It's hilarious, this new-fangled "irony" thing.

Remember the other day when Jax asked to speak to Dominante, and Olivia made the most over-the-top face to express surprise, where her mouth was a perfect O and then Jax suggested that if she insists on keeping a life-altering secret that she at least work on her poker face? She didn't listen. This was her response to Johnny's words:

Olivia

"Nothing odd to see here, no siree, how about them Yankees, huh? Watch me whistle nonchalantly to myself to show how not suspicious this situation is".

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Robin: Someone is trying to frame Alexis in the Brianna Hughes murder.

Patrick: Well, it's a theory, and we're looking for proof to back it up.

Jax: Well, you know that I'll do whatever I can to help Alexis. Who do you think is framing her? The mayor?

I complain so often about Robin and Patrick not having a story, that it feels bratty to complain when they do have a story, but...really? Still, with the investigating a murder even though Port Charles has a...well, I was going to say "perfectly decent" police department, but this IS the PCPD we're talking about, but whatever, the town DOES have a police department! And one of their main responsibilities is investigating crimes! Although since one of the other responsibilities is "preventing crime" and...well, just look at this town, perhaps it's not surprising that the only candidates for finding Brianna's murderer are doctors. OJ Simpson went about finding the real killer(s) the wrong way and should have asked physicians to assist him.

Divider

Carly: If Morgan or Michael has any more trouble with you, I'm gonna tell Sonny how you tried to rough Morgan up on the pier. And then you can find out firsthand how Sonny Corinthos protects his kids.

You know, normally I would be put off by an adult telling a teenager (an awful teenager, but still a teenager) that a mobster will rough him up, but...the way Kiefer calls Kristina K ALL THE DAMN TIME irritates me so much that I'd be fine with mob violence coming his way (to say nothing of the fact that he is an abusive asshole). It bugs me so much that it turned me off of Special K cereal. DAMN IT, GH!

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Johnny: You set up a sloppy hit, Claudia! You chose the time and the place, and you sent an unreliable shooter. And Michael lost a year of his life because of the choices that you made. Do you have any regret? Any remorse? No. Instead, you set Jerry Jacks loose on Michael for revenge.


Claudia: I was out of my mind with grief and loss, Johnny. My baby died inside of me. I wasn't thinking straight. I thought that Michael was responsible.

I actually said OMFG, aloud.

First of all, you NEVER think straight. Your entire thought process seems to be "What's the normal, rational thing to do? Let me do the opposite of that, in the worst, most violent way possible". The fact that she even tries to defend what she did to Michael (BOTH TIMES she hurt Michael/tried to get a sociopath to hurt Michael) is so disgusting and loathsome and...horrible, that I:

  • fear that I am going to catch her crazy just by watching her.
  • find myself muting her scenes and doing something less painful instead, like hitting my head repeatedly on the wall or sporking my eyes out. 
  • look forward to the day that she leaves Port Charles in a body bag (which she will, because 99% of GH characters are written out via murder).

Claudia: So, you hate me now? Do you? Do you hate me, Johnny?
Johnny: Yeah, I do, because you're a selfish, lying, evil bitch!
Sonny: Hey! I think it's time we had a talk.

Okay, show of hands. Who thinks Sonny takes offense to Johnny's language, because the phrase "selfish, lying, evil bitch" is only his to say (they use it as pillow talk)?

Screencaps courtesy of LisaW's Soap Heaven

Comments

Why do they tease me with short bursts of Mac's awesomeness? I mean really....Remember when Georgie was all awesome and told Spinelli that Jason's life was sad and not awesome? Clearly she learned that from Mac.

Since Kiefer is just channeling what I imagine Sonny the High School Years did....I can't just wish for violence for him....I want the same for Sonny. Or for someone to realize that maybe Kristina likes him because she learned this is normal behavior from Dear Old Dad.....but yeah I dream.

sonny will go bat 3hit crazy over the use of his words...did johnny use whore and betrayed too?

this impending marriage is driving me crazy, and the fact that Maxie is going forward with it even thous she SO doesn't want to. And this is coming from a Spixie fan. Yes, I was a fan, and I still find them cute at times (*ducks*) but even this is too effin' much. Ughhh! Effin' show!

I did love how Nik has gone all dark and Cassadine tho ... it beats what he was before, and I hope he kills Rebecca. That is one character I wouldn't mind seeing dead over and over again. He can kill Ethan too.

I think Sonny is going to pull Johnny aside to instruct him on how to slip "slut" into his sentence seamlessly.

Seeing as how my GH viewing has been VERY spotty the last few years, was there ever an explanation for Johnny and Claudia's weird closeness (not so much lately but when they were first introduced)? First it felt - wrong, then I wondered if Claudia was actually Johnny's mom, like she had him when she was too young.

Sigh. Remember how a while back, when Michael was still a red-headed freckled kid, the audience was told by Guza that *finally* the mob life was going to have some serious, lasting consequences that were going to change everything forever? And how he meant that Michael was going to get shot and it was going to, like, matter more than the other shootings?

So um, that was cool to be promised that. Permanent, real consequences.

Wouldn't it be neat if that really happened? Oh, oh, I have an idea! What if Michael gets shot and almost dies, falls into what the doctors think is a permanent vegetative state, and everyone is grief-stricken and the criminals in his life finally take responsibility and realize that it is COMPLETELY THEIR FAULT that this happened. So much so that his mother demands custody of her children away from the mob boss father. And then the mob boss father LEAVES the mob because he's realized he should care more about his children than his power, even though he's lost his children. Wouldn't that be cool? A way to show lasting consequences? WAIT! But then there's a twist, guys. This would be genius. Then we could have the mother start to feel guilty and give custody back. And we could have the ex-mob boss father start to get really, really bored with just being really rich and intense and the object of every local woman's lust, and he'd go back to the mob. And then the kid wakes up, no more coma! AND EVERYTHING IS EXACTLY AS IT WAS BEFORE, SO THERE WERE TOTALLY NO CONSEQUENCES AT ALL! That would be awesome. And just in case the audience might see through this a little, we could introduce a new character.... let's dress her in black and make her an evil, mustache-twirling, cape-wearing villainess. And let's say she was the one who ordered the hit on the mob boss (pretty standard stuff) that accidentally got the kid shot (a risk the mob boss takes by having children, by being a mob boss, and by walking in public). And just in case at this point the audience doesn't see that this clearly ABSOLVES THE MOB BOSS/FATHER AND HIS COHORTS OF ANY RESPONSIBILITY, let's have this woman later send a crazy sociopath after the kid just to drive the point home. The point being that mob life does NOT in fact have lasting, serious consequences.

That would be awesome.

I need a nap. Who do I contact to take a hit out on this show?

Never thought I would have to fast forward through Maxie scenes, but that is what I have to do. Spin and Maxie's cuteness is gone and they are unbearable to watch!

When will they let Maxie Jones grow up? Once she seems to be taking the road to maturity she backslides into the foot stamping, arm crossing, tantrum throwing child. Am I the only one grossed out by Spinelli talking about "carnal" relations and all that crud? I promised to stop watching this crap. I just want to see Helena this fall.

Since you can't see me Mallory, please know I am raising both my hands enthusiastically :-)

How about the irony of abusive misogynistic Sonny threatening Kiefer for being a bad guy, and the point being Sonny's acting like a great Dad for doing it? Yes Kiefer is a shitty shit, but he has dozens of lives to ruin and hundreds of body bags to fill before he can compete with Sonny for the town's most revolting waste of human life.

Spinelli IS a golden retriever. An annoying, poorly trained, spastic golden retriever. Sorry, I love BA, but Spinelli is a joke, and no longer a funny one. The whole living at Jason's after the marriage is just pathetic.

My goodness, when is the last time Mac had his own sl, romance or simply gotten laid?

Poor dude is either a eunich or sucks Salt Peter from a straw.

I HATE YOU Guza!

*raises hand*

John J. York will turn 51 this December.

And puts BOTH Midget Corinthos and GoB0T Morgan to shame in the HOTNESS department.

Soooooooooo Spinelli wants them to live with JaB0RG after they get married?

They better bring food, Morgan lives on Motor Oil.

Dead God, please let Sean(oops I mean Dr. Matt) save Zenon from being whisked off to MUNCHKIN land by Scarecrow Spinelli.

Where Mayor Munchkin and The Tinman hold court to an utter farce of a Mob Organization.

"Soooooooooo Spinelli wants them to live with JaB0RG after they get married?"

SERIOUSLY what is up with this? If a man I allegedly wanted to marry wanted me to live in a MOBSTER'S PENTHOUSE WITH HIM after the wedding, I would give that ring back so fast that if it weren't already a diamond, the blazing heat would MAKE IT INTO ONE.

Straight from the "Hot" Sheet:
Get ready for the most terrifying ride of your life -- the next big GH event is here!
I could throw up.
Could someone please phone/text/IM/Facebook/Tweet or something a person in charge and tell them we have been terrified enough. We just want an interesting story with characters we understand and care about. Dialogue that makes sense would be nice too.
No one here wants to be any more terrified than we already are!
PS I seriously doubt it will really be terrifying in the way they mean...
PPS Remember when a "big event" was the Nurses Ball?

I have my hands and feet raised, AMEN to all comments. I mean if you are not in the Mob on this show then you are not important. I have an idea if they want to do a show about Mob business then go to Soapnet and start Mob Town and leave GH to all of us who want to see LOVE NOT GUTS IN THE AFTERNOON!!

First off Maxie is a grown women she can do what she wants. Spin is not putting a gun to her head and saying look you are going to marry me or else. It's ok for Mac to give his daughter advice, but he is not. He ordering out demands and stuff. That is not going to work on Maxie. Spin have given Maxie 2 times to back out of this and she didn't. Part of her do want to marry him, and part of her is scared as hell.

Look the writing needs improvement thats a given. I'm a Spixie fan from day one and still I'm. Spixie is still one the best couple on Gh with talent actors, like Bradford Anderson/Kirsten Storms.

They will always have my vote reguardless if some people don't like them.

Spixie makes me vomit. Enough already!!!! She does NOT want this!

Does Guza write out Spinelli's lines? lol

Late to the party on this but can we also talk about Claudia's whole "you know, if it was you or Jason or Sonny who had called Jerry then everyone would have been 'oh, what a hero!'" and how Johnny's response to that was "oh please Claudia! Since when have you been a Feminist?" or whatever?

It was pretty much the epitome of "at first I lol'd and then I srs'd."
I mean, I feel I shouldn't expect anything regarding the GH writing team but that whole scene was just so utterly ridiculous.

The writing sucks for Spixie right now, in fact Spixie are being made only really watchable by BA/KS's onscreen chemistry at the moment, because their material is just awful. Every couple goes thru a time like this with an awful sl that you can cringe at at times, and this is theirs. But it doesn't stop me being an absolute Spixie fan. Maxie putting herself in danger and ignoring Mac. That's usual its not a new thing for her to be doing. In fact its a family trait to throw themselves into danger. I'm glad that hasn't changed in her, and that she isn't just sitting behind her desk in Crimson having one sided convos with ppl. While Lulu who we know will soon be too busy with her new love interest decides to once again never show up at work anymore, and Kate shows up once every 2 weeks to tell Maxie off for using the wrong type of font in an article. I'm sorry I get to see ppl sit at desks all day at work. I'd rather not watch Maxie do that too while she stays out of this 'so called danger' Spinelli is putting her in every second. Spixie, JASAM, DanteLu and Joliva are by far the best pairings on GH right now, with Spixie rating top couple for me.

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