Port Charles Notable Quotables
I will give the General Hospital writers this: they are committed.
(The above sentence could also handily be revised to read "they should be committed" and it would be equally true.)
The problem is that they are committed to all the wrong things. Rather than being staunchly committed to, I don't know, providing quality entertainment five days a week, or drawing from a rich show history, their commitment seems to be proving me wrong (and also tarnishing a four decades old legacy, which may be slightly more important, but for today, we'll go with the proving me wrong part).
It's a mistake I make often, assuming that I've already reached the nadir of any given GH episode. Today, no more than a few minutes into the show, I snorted and said, "That's the dumbest thing I'll hear today".
But we've been down this road before, dear readers. It wasn't the dumbest thing. One of them, sure, but there were many.
Mac: You know, I object to you breathing the same air as my daughter, much less marrying her. And don't tell me Jason protects his own, ok? After what happened to Michael--getting shot, spending a year of his life in a coma, and now he's on the run. Maxie, you'll be in danger every minute of every day of your life.
Maxie: Yeah? Well, I'm not scared. And you're forgetting the most important part. I love Spinelli. He's always believed in me, and he's always been there for me, been faithful.
Mac: You want faithful? Get a golden retriever, all right? You're not marrying this guy.
Maxie: Yeah, I am marrying this guy, and there's nothing that you or anyone else can do to stop me.
I couldn't even properly appreciate Mac's truthy truth-telling! He got in some quality zingers, but they went in one ear and out the other, because my brain collapsed upon itself when Maxie once again went down the "You're not the boss of me! I can marry whoever I want, even if the thought of it repulses me so much that I can't keep the nausea off of my face in between my squealing about how much I truly love him! Take that!" road.
Maxie, I am busting out the caps lock because I care(d?) about you!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU DO NOT WANT TO MARRY HIM. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE VOMITING IN YOUR MOUTH WHENEVER HE MENTIONS YOUR IMPENDING MARRIAGE.
YOU ARE ACTING PETULANT AND DERANGED, AND, BY THE WAY, LOVING SPINELLI WILL DO YOU NO GOOD IF YOUR DUMB ASS GETS SHOT AT, WHICH IT PROBABLY WILL, BECAUSE PORT CHARLES IS A DEN OF SIN. AND ALSO, WHY DO YOU SQUEAK LIKE THAT? STOP IT.
Johnny: How could I be mad at you, huh? You, you're honest. You're ethical. You know the difference between right and wrong. You... Don't lie to people as easily as you breathe, and you certainly don't compromise yourself every damn day of your life.
Get it? Because Olivia actually is lying to people as easily as she breathes, and she compromises herself every damn day of her life, but Johnny doesn't know it! Do you get it now? Aren't the GH writers so clever with their subtle reminders that Olivia is Dante's mom and that Dominic is Dante and that Sonny is Dante's father and that Dante is a cop? They are, right? It's hilarious, this new-fangled "irony" thing.
Remember the other day when Jax asked to speak to Dominante, and Olivia made the most over-the-top face to express surprise, where her mouth was a perfect O and then Jax suggested that if she insists on keeping a life-altering secret that she at least work on her poker face? She didn't listen. This was her response to Johnny's words:
"Nothing odd to see here, no siree, how about them Yankees, huh? Watch me whistle nonchalantly to myself to show how not suspicious this situation is".
Robin: Someone is trying to frame Alexis in the Brianna Hughes murder.
Patrick: Well, it's a theory, and we're looking for proof to back it up.
Jax: Well, you know that I'll do whatever I can to help Alexis. Who do you think is framing her? The mayor?
I complain so often about Robin and Patrick not having a story, that it feels bratty to complain when they do have a story, but...really? Still, with the investigating a murder even though Port Charles has a...well, I was going to say "perfectly decent" police department, but this IS the PCPD we're talking about, but whatever, the town DOES have a police department! And one of their main responsibilities is investigating crimes! Although since one of the other responsibilities is "preventing crime" and...well, just look at this town, perhaps it's not surprising that the only candidates for finding Brianna's murderer are doctors. OJ Simpson went about finding the real killer(s) the wrong way and should have asked physicians to assist him.
Carly: If Morgan or Michael has any more trouble with you, I'm gonna tell Sonny how you tried to rough Morgan up on the pier. And then you can find out firsthand how Sonny Corinthos protects his kids.
You know, normally I would be put off by an adult telling a teenager (an awful teenager, but still a teenager) that a mobster will rough him up, but...the way Kiefer calls Kristina K ALL THE DAMN TIME irritates me so much that I'd be fine with mob violence coming his way (to say nothing of the fact that he is an abusive asshole). It bugs me so much that it turned me off of Special K cereal. DAMN IT, GH!
Johnny: You set up a sloppy hit, Claudia! You chose the time and the place, and you sent an unreliable shooter. And Michael lost a year of his life because of the choices that you made. Do you have any regret? Any remorse? No. Instead, you set Jerry Jacks loose on Michael for revenge.
Claudia: I was out of my mind with grief and loss, Johnny. My baby died inside of me. I wasn't thinking straight. I thought that Michael was responsible.
I actually said OMFG, aloud.
First of all, you NEVER think straight. Your entire thought process seems to be "What's the normal, rational thing to do? Let me do the opposite of that, in the worst, most violent way possible". The fact that she even tries to defend what she did to Michael (BOTH TIMES she hurt Michael/tried to get a sociopath to hurt Michael) is so disgusting and loathsome and...horrible, that I:
- fear that I am going to catch her crazy just by watching her.
- find myself muting her scenes and doing something less painful instead, like hitting my head repeatedly on the wall or sporking my eyes out.
- look forward to the day that she leaves Port Charles in a body bag (which she will, because 99% of GH characters are written out via murder).
Claudia: So, you hate me now? Do you? Do you hate me, Johnny?
Johnny: Yeah, I do, because you're a selfish, lying, evil bitch!
Sonny: Hey! I think it's time we had a talk.
Okay, show of hands. Who thinks Sonny takes offense to Johnny's language, because the phrase "selfish, lying, evil bitch" is only his to say (they use it as pillow talk)?
Screencaps courtesy of LisaW's Soap Heaven