The Serial Drama Daytime Emmy Awards Awards
Date: Sun, Aug 30, 2009 at 8:06 PM
Subject: Oh...my god
When a show inspires that reaction in its first six minutes, you can be sure that it's going to be a rough two hours. We survived, barely, and decided to give back to the Emmys, if you will, by giving out our own dubious awards to the 36th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards. It's the least one can do. Well, no, the least one could do is what the people in charge of the ceremony's production last night did, but this is the least we personally can do.
MOST CREATIVE USE OF THE WORD "INFORMATIVE"
Tyra Banks winning "Outstanding Informative Talk Show"
She informs people about what, exactly? How to wear fake hair? How to make everything about you? How to shriek for no real reason? We can't help but feel like being in this category and deemed informative is going to make her smugger than ever.
"Yeah, that's right, I educate people. I teach people, I mold young minds, I am an inspiration!"
MOST UNCOMFORTABLE THREE MINUTES OF THE TELECAST
The Fashion Show
First of all, it started with Tyra's introduction, informing us that "Daytime has always been on the cutting edge of fashion." Which proved yet again that Tyra can't stop lying. But then, it got worse! Watching random pairs of cast members from each of the soaps preen, vamp and shake their groove thangs for a fake photographer was...
...well, it ended, is the good news.
MOST DISTURBING SEGUE TO SHOWCASING THE GOOD DEEDS OF A CHARITY
Susan Lucci Stalks From The Fashion Show To A Speech About Feed The Children
La Lucci weirdly pranced and catwalked her way over from the above fashion show right to the microphone, where she launched into a solemn tale about the importance of the Feed The Children charity.
The clip package that followed, showcasing her trip with Tony Geary and Kelly Monaco, to Africa for the charity was amazing and emotional, but, really, they couldn't have put a commercial break in between the cheesy "fashion show" and the legitimate charity? Well, we guess that they actually literally couldn't, since they quite nearly ran out of time as it is, but still!
Feed The Children
Mallory: I'm crying.
Becca: I am ashamed to have been totally moved by something these manipulative producers specifically designed to move me, but come on, I have a functioning heart. I totally teared up when Tony Geary and Kelly Monaco did!
Mallory: I think my heart just broke into a million pieces at the sight of those children. Especially when they were in their little uniforms!
MOST HILARIOUS HEIGHT DIFFERENCE
James Scott and Jay Kenneth Johnson
It's funny because JKJ is wee!
P.S. James Scott is a sex god.
MOST RANDOM THING EVER
Buzz Aldrin in the audience, wearing a medal
Vanessa Williams tried her best at a tie-in -- something like "nobody needs to tell him about As the World Turns" -- but seriously, what on earth was the relevance of this? Should we expect random pioneers at other awards shows? "The Oscars honors Magellan!"
MOST INEPT DIRECTION OF AN AWARDS SHOW THIS YEAR AND MAYBE EVER
The red carpet was a mess (perhaps even worse than the tragedy that was the 2008 Emmy pre-show on SOAPNet), and the show managed to be even worse. The announcer mispronounced people's names (Jennie Garth became Jeannie Garth, as in "I Dream Of"). Presenters and award winners alike were rushed--Susan Lucci was actually shaking when she tried to tear the envelope open as quickly as possible! She could have gotten a nasty papercut!--and they stopped showing clips of the nominated actors at the start of the show (especially tragic, because the overwrought acting taken out of context is one of the most amusing parts of the night!). Hell, Brad Bell didn't even get his speech for Outstanding Daytime Drama televised, because they thanked their American Airlines sponsor and started the credits almost immediately after B&B was announced the winner. That is straight-up shoddy. We know the CW isn't used to airing awards shows, but maybe they could have asked someone with more experience for their advice in producing the show. Someone like a fifth grader who is in charge of directing his/her classroom's talent show.
BIGGEST UPSIDE TO THE CRAZY RUSHED PACE
No Awkward Banter Between the Presenters
BIGGEST WASTES OF SPACE
Lara Spencer and Kevin Frazier
How on earth are these two clowns employed by anybody, let alone actual entertainment shows that are broadcast nationally? The entire red carpet was a cringe-a-thon, thanks to their hopelessly inept brand of interviewing. It started off on a bad note when Ms. Spencer announced that “It has been a great year in daytime entertainment,” so we should have known that she does not operate in the land of the thinking people. But somehow it went downhill from there! Whether it was screaming unintelligibly in Susan Lucci's face about something or other (!!), asking Gina Tognoni how to pronounce her last name (!!!), telling Ellen Degeneres that she probably doesn't know (and implying that she doesn't care) who Portia DeRossi was wearing (!!!), or calling Jennie Garth old (!!!!), it's like they tried their hardest to be the worst possible people for a red carpet job. Tried and succeeded with flying colors, in fact.
MOST OBVIOUS PIMPING
Endless promos for the new fall CW primetime shows
Remember last year, during the red carpet, when SOAPNet inexplicably put the actual red carpet arrivals in a tiny box so that some random Disney child star could sing loudly and off-key, and we were all, "No other network would be this pathetic in their blatant attempt to shill their own network?" We were wrong.
Featuring huge coverage of their new fall lineup, introduced by their new shining stars Ian Somerhalder and Sara Paxton (via pre-recorded video, natch), the CW treated us to long trailers for their new shows, while you had to squint to see actual soap stars arriving on the red carpet.
BEST EVIDENCE THE CW DOESN'T KNOW ITS AUDIENCE
“Contrary to internet rumors, Phyllis Diller is NOT Susan Lucci’s mother.”
This little factoid appeared onscreen during Lara Spencer's horrible red carpet interview of Susan Lucci. Someone at the CW honestly thought that soap viewers who had managed to track this ceremony down and were sitting through the painful pre-show were moronic enough not to know this? Why didn't they also mention that Another World had been canceled?
Side note: Apparently Becca never hears any of the interesting internet rumors.
MOST DANGEROUS MOMENT FOR YOUR SELF ESTEEM
Chrishell Stause in a bikini
The girl is so gorgeous that sometimes we wonder if she's actually human. And that's when she's wearing clothes.
But when she takes them all off and dons a tiny white bathing suit?
BRB, permanently relocating to gym.
MOST AWESOME EXPERT PANEL AT AN AWARDS SHOW
Soap Opera Digest's Stephanie Sloane, TV Guide's Nelson Branco and Daytime Confidential's Jamey Giddens
Okay, so they were the only expert panel at this awards show and we are slightly biased, especially because we adore our gracious (and gorgeous!) SOD editor Stephanie Sloane, but still, they were awesome, non?
MOST AWESOME SHOW EVER
It has 118 Emmys, countless brilliant songs, a collection of lovable Muppets, guest appearances from every amazing celebrity ever (Sandra Oh, Brian Williams, Diane Sawyer, AND Neil Patrick Harris in that montage!) and is pretty much the sole Lifetime Achievement Award that we have ever sat through, let alone sat through happily and maybe even hummed along under our breath.
MOST BIZARRE COMBINATION OF PRESENTERS
Bradford Anderson, Kirsten Storms and Bindi Irwin
You have Bradford Anderson (In glasses! And a lavender shirt that we are almost too nice to draw attention to!) getting the chance to talk like a real boy, accompanied by Joel McHale's nemesis Bindi Irwin (Remember when she rapped? Amazing!) and Kirsten Storms who, alarmingly, was wearing a dress uncannily similar to Kim Zimmer's.
It's like seeing a scary vision of her future in a crystal ball. Whatever you do, Kirsten, squawk like crazy if you get script with Maxie splashing about in a fountain talking about being the town whore!
MOST AWKWARD SPEECH
Darin Brooks wins for Outstanding Younger Actor
He was as shocked as we all were that he won, and had a look of slack-jawed terror on his face as he attempted to speak, swore, and then ran offstage flustered, all whilst dressed like a stockbroker on his way to a Great Gatsby theme party.
MOST CONSUMMATE PROFESSIONAL
Vanessa L. Williams
She sang, she danced, she vamped while being superimposed into soap scenes. Some of it was more than a bit cheesy (like...way more than a bit), but she gave it her all and looked fabulous all the while. But that singing/dancing segment with the Gilles Marini cameo? NO.
MOST AWESOME PERSON
BETTY MOTHEREFFING WHITE
From her sassy sequined jacket to her crack that she started watching Guiding Light in 1776 (she quickly corrected herself and said 1789, as she was only three in 1776), she reminded us why she's been famous for forty years: because she's the best ever. If we had known she was such a huge Guiding Light fan, we might have tried watching it. Well, that's not true, but Betty White brings out this kind of niceness in us!
Side note: You should really go see The Proposal.
MOST IN NEED OF A REALITY CHECK
Um...why does she think she's a celebrity? Because she's married to a[n unfortunately] famous fake psychologist? Well, newsflash, Walter Cronkite, you're not a celebrity and your dress was hideous. Please cease the mugging and head back to obscurity, quickly. Also, CW or whatever network loses the "who has to air this thing" bet next year? Perhaps have people related to daytime dramas introduce the Outstanding Daytime Drama clips. It's just crazy enough to be watchable!
MOST CREATIVE USE OF THE WORD "OUTSTANDING" We know we should be used to this kind of nonsense by now, but allow us a brief rant nonetheless: REALLY, EMMY VOTERS? REALLY? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT "OUTSTANDING" MEANS? OR "WRITING", FOR THAT MATTER? IT DOES NOT MEAN "TERRIBLE" OR "A BRUTALLY UNWATCHABLE COCKTAIL OF MISOGYNY AND VIOLENCE" OR "LAZILY COPYING STORIES FROM YEARS PAST, THIS TIME WITH EXTRA BADNESS"! WE HATE YOU. The only plus side to that fiasco was that, right after Elizabeth Korte spent her entire speech fawning over Bob Guza, the camera panned to Ellen clutching Portia DeRossi's hand, as if to comfort her for having to sit through such an injustice.
GENERAL HOSPITAL wins for Outstanding Writing
MOST CREATIVE USE OF THE WORD "OUTSTANDING"
We know we should be used to this kind of nonsense by now, but allow us a brief rant nonetheless:
REALLY, EMMY VOTERS? REALLY?
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT "OUTSTANDING" MEANS? OR "WRITING", FOR THAT MATTER? IT DOES NOT MEAN "TERRIBLE" OR "A BRUTALLY UNWATCHABLE COCKTAIL OF MISOGYNY AND VIOLENCE" OR "LAZILY COPYING STORIES FROM YEARS PAST, THIS TIME WITH EXTRA BADNESS"!
WE HATE YOU.
The only plus side to that fiasco was that, right after Elizabeth Korte spent her entire speech fawning over Bob Guza, the camera panned to Ellen clutching Portia DeRossi's hand, as if to comfort her for having to sit through such an injustice.
So what did you think? Do you take issue with our awards? Have your own additions?
So what did you think? Do you take issue with our awards? Have your own additions?
Huge thanks go out to LisaW, who graciously took on the task of screencapping for us!