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« Daytime Emmys Recap: The Night's Worst Moment | Main | The Daytime Emmy Award Winners: Our Take »

August 31, 2009

The Serial Drama Daytime Emmy Awards Awards

From:  Mallory
To:  Becca
Date:  Sun, Aug 30, 2009 at 8:06 PM

Subject:  Oh...my god

Oh...my god.

When a show inspires that reaction in its first six minutes, you can be sure that it's going to be a rough two hours.  We survived, barely, and decided to give back to the Emmys, if you will, by giving out our own dubious awards to the 36th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards.  It's the least one can do.  Well, no, the least one could do is what the people in charge of the ceremony's production last night did, but this is the least we personally can do.

We have already bestowed our Best and Worst awards on last night's fashion choices. In case you missed them: our Best Dressed and Worst Dressed lists. 

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MOST CREATIVE USE OF THE WORD "INFORMATIVE"
Tyra Banks winning "Outstanding Informative Talk Show"

Tyrawins

She informs people about what, exactly?  How to wear fake hair?  How to make everything about you? How to shriek for no real reason? We can't help but feel like being in this category and deemed informative is going to make her smugger than ever.

"Yeah, that's right, I educate people. I teach people, I mold young minds, I am an inspiration!"

MOST UNCOMFORTABLE THREE MINUTES OF THE TELECAST
The Fashion Show

Fashionshow1

Fashionshow2

Fashionshow3

Fashionshow4

First of all, it started with Tyra's introduction, informing us that "Daytime has always been on the cutting edge of fashion."  Which proved yet again that Tyra can't stop lying.  But then, it got worse!  Watching random pairs of cast members from each of the soaps preen, vamp and shake their groove thangs for a fake photographer was...

...well, it ended, is the good news.

MOST DISTURBING SEGUE TO SHOWCASING THE GOOD DEEDS OF A CHARITY
Susan Lucci Stalks From The Fashion Show To A Speech About Feed The Children

Lucci

La Lucci weirdly pranced and catwalked her way over from the above fashion show right to the microphone, where she launched into a solemn tale about the importance of the Feed The Children charity.

The clip package that followed, showcasing her trip with Tony Geary and Kelly Monaco, to Africa for the charity was amazing and emotional, but, really, they couldn't have put a commercial break in between the cheesy "fashion show" and the legitimate charity? Well, we guess that they actually literally couldn't, since they quite nearly ran out of time as it is, but still!

MOST HEARTBREAKING
Feed The Children

Feedthechildren1

Feedthechildren2

Mallory: I'm crying.
Becca: I am ashamed to have been totally moved by something these manipulative producers specifically designed to move me, but come on, I have a functioning heart.  I totally teared up when Tony Geary and Kelly Monaco did!
Mallory:
I think my heart just broke into a million pieces at the sight of those children. Especially when they were in their little uniforms!

Outfits


MOST HILARIOUS HEIGHT DIFFERENCE
James Scott and Jay Kenneth Johnson

Heightdifference

It's funny because JKJ is wee!

P.S. James Scott is a sex god.

MOST RANDOM THING EVER
Buzz Aldrin in the audience, wearing a medal

Buzz

Vanessa Williams tried her best at a tie-in -- something like "nobody needs to tell him about As the World Turns" -- but seriously, what on earth was the relevance of this?  Should we expect random pioneers at other awards shows?  "The Oscars honors Magellan!"

MOST INEPT DIRECTION OF AN AWARDS SHOW THIS YEAR AND MAYBE EVER
The CW

The red carpet was a mess (perhaps even worse than the tragedy that was the 2008 Emmy pre-show on SOAPNet), and the show managed to be even worse.  The announcer mispronounced people's names (Jennie Garth became Jeannie Garth, as in "I Dream Of").  Presenters and award winners alike were rushed--Susan Lucci was actually shaking when she tried to tear the envelope open as quickly as possible! She could have gotten a nasty papercut!--and they stopped showing clips of the nominated actors at the start of the show (especially tragic, because the overwrought acting taken out of context is one of the most amusing parts of the night!).  Hell, Brad Bell didn't even get his speech for Outstanding Daytime Drama televised, because they thanked their American Airlines sponsor and started the credits almost immediately after B&B was announced the winner.  That is straight-up shoddy.  We know the CW isn't used to airing awards shows, but maybe they could have asked someone with more experience for their advice in producing the show.  Someone like a fifth grader who is in charge of directing his/her classroom's talent show.

BIGGEST UPSIDE TO THE CRAZY RUSHED PACE
No Awkward Banter Between the Presenters

BIGGEST WASTES OF SPACE
Lara Spencer and Kevin Frazier

Laraandlucci

Laraginat

Larawellen

Kevinwjennie

How on earth are these two clowns employed by anybody, let alone actual entertainment shows that are broadcast nationally? The entire red carpet was a cringe-a-thon, thanks to their hopelessly inept brand of interviewing. It started off on a bad note when Ms. Spencer announced that “It has been a great year in daytime entertainment,” so we should have known that she does not operate in the land of the thinking people.  But somehow it went downhill from there!  Whether it was screaming unintelligibly in Susan Lucci's face about something or other (!!), asking Gina Tognoni how to pronounce her last name (!!!), telling Ellen Degeneres that she probably doesn't know (and implying that she doesn't care) who Portia DeRossi was wearing (!!!), or calling Jennie Garth old (!!!!), it's like they tried their hardest to be the worst possible people for a red carpet job. Tried and succeeded with flying colors, in fact.

MOST OBVIOUS PIMPING
Endless promos for the new fall CW primetime shows

Vampirediaries

Remember last year, during the red carpet, when SOAPNet inexplicably put the actual red carpet arrivals in a tiny box so that some random Disney child star could sing loudly and off-key, and we were all, "No other network would be this pathetic in their blatant attempt to shill their own network?" We were wrong.

Featuring huge coverage of their new fall lineup, introduced by their new shining stars Ian Somerhalder and Sara Paxton (via pre-recorded video, natch), the CW treated us to long trailers for their new shows, while you had to squint to see actual soap stars arriving on the red carpet.

BEST EVIDENCE THE CW DOESN'T KNOW ITS AUDIENCE
“Contrary to internet rumors, Phyllis Diller is NOT Susan Lucci’s mother.”


This little factoid appeared onscreen during Lara Spencer's horrible red carpet interview of Susan Lucci.  Someone at the CW honestly thought that soap viewers who had managed to track this ceremony down and were sitting through the painful pre-show were moronic enough not to know this?  Why didn't they also mention that Another World had been canceled?

Side note:  Apparently Becca never hears any of the interesting internet rumors.

MOST DANGEROUS MOMENT FOR YOUR SELF ESTEEM
Chrishell Stause in a bikini

The girl is so gorgeous that sometimes we wonder if she's actually human. And that's when she's wearing clothes.

But when she takes them all off and dons a tiny white bathing suit?

Chrishell

BRB, permanently relocating to gym.

MOST AWESOME EXPERT PANEL AT AN AWARDS SHOW
Soap Opera Digest's Stephanie Sloane, TV Guide's Nelson Branco and Daytime Confidential's Jamey Giddens

Expertpanel

Stephsloane

Okay, so they were the only expert panel at this awards show and we are slightly biased, especially because we adore our gracious (and gorgeous!) SOD editor Stephanie Sloane, but still, they were awesome, non?

MOST AWESOME SHOW EVER
Sesame Street

Sesame1

Sesame2

Sesame3

It has 118 Emmys, countless brilliant songs, a collection of lovable Muppets, guest appearances from every amazing celebrity ever (Sandra Oh, Brian Williams, Diane Sawyer, AND Neil Patrick Harris in that montage!) and is pretty much the sole Lifetime Achievement Award that we have ever sat through, let alone sat through happily and maybe even hummed along under our breath.

MOST BIZARRE COMBINATION OF PRESENTERS
Bradford Anderson, Kirsten Storms and Bindi Irwin

Spixiebindi

You have Bradford Anderson (In glasses!  And a lavender shirt that we are almost too nice to draw attention to!) getting the chance to talk like a real boy, accompanied by Joel McHale's nemesis Bindi Irwin (Remember when she rapped? Amazing!) and Kirsten Storms who, alarmingly, was wearing a dress uncannily similar to Kim Zimmer's.

Zimmer

It's like seeing a scary vision of her future in a crystal ball.  Whatever you do, Kirsten, squawk like crazy if you get script with Maxie splashing about in a fountain talking about being the town whore!

MOST AWKWARD SPEECH
Darin Brooks wins for Outstanding Younger Actor

Darinbrooks1

He was as shocked as we all were that he won, and had a look of slack-jawed terror on his face as he attempted to speak, swore, and then ran offstage flustered, all whilst dressed like a stockbroker on his way to a Great Gatsby theme party. 

MOST CONSUMMATE PROFESSIONAL
Vanessa L. Williams

Openingsong

Vanessagh

She sang, she danced, she vamped while being superimposed into soap scenes. Some of it was more than a bit cheesy (like...way more than a bit), but she gave it her all and looked fabulous all the while.  But that singing/dancing segment with the Gilles Marini cameo?  NO.

MOST AWESOME PERSON
BETTY MOTHEREFFING WHITE

36th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards - Show

From her sassy sequined jacket to her crack that she started watching Guiding Light in 1776 (she quickly corrected herself and said 1789, as she was only three in 1776), she reminded us why she's been famous for forty years: because she's the best ever.  If we had known she was such a huge Guiding Light fan, we might have tried watching it.  Well, that's not true, but Betty White brings out this kind of niceness in us! 

Side note:  You should really go see The Proposal.

MOST IN NEED OF A REALITY CHECK
Robin McGraw

Robinmcgraw

Um...why does she think she's a celebrity? Because she's married to a[n unfortunately] famous fake psychologist?  Well, newsflash, Walter Cronkite, you're not a celebrity and your dress was hideous.  Please cease the mugging and head back to obscurity, quickly.  Also, CW or whatever network loses the "who has to air this thing" bet next year?  Perhaps have people related to daytime dramas introduce the Outstanding Daytime Drama clips.  It's just crazy enough to be watchable!

MOST CREATIVE USE OF THE WORD "OUTSTANDING"
GENERAL HOSPITAL wins for Outstanding Writing

We know we should be used to this kind of nonsense by now, but allow us a brief rant nonetheless:

REALLY, EMMY VOTERS? REALLY?

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT "OUTSTANDING" MEANS? OR "WRITING", FOR THAT MATTER? IT DOES NOT MEAN "TERRIBLE" OR "A BRUTALLY UNWATCHABLE COCKTAIL OF MISOGYNY AND VIOLENCE" OR "LAZILY COPYING STORIES FROM YEARS PAST, THIS TIME WITH EXTRA BADNESS"!

WE HATE YOU.

The only plus side to that fiasco was that, right after Elizabeth Korte spent her entire speech fawning over Bob Guza, the camera panned to Ellen clutching Portia DeRossi's hand, as if to comfort her for having to sit through such an injustice.

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So what did you think?  Do you take issue with our awards?  Have your own additions?

Huge thanks go out to LisaW, who graciously took on the task of screencapping for us!

Comments

Actaully the plus side to the whole writing debacle is apparenlty the writers then had to go backstage and defend Bob Guza's alleged vision to an increasinly skeptical soap press. And really when did you ever think you could use the words "increasingly skeptical soap press"? I think never. Come on you all know you would have KILLED to be a fly on that wall. I hear there was cursing. Yes I am petty enough to take glee in that thought.

I was feeling uncomfortable for Susan Lucci, especially when her hair kept sticking to her over-glossed mouth.

I am convinced that Bindi Irwin is a very small 25 yr old. She is such a pro! Did you catch her leaning over to congratulate Tamara Braun? Adorable!

Lara Spencer asking Gina Tognoni how to pronounce her name was a total WTF moment. Obviously, she didn't know her mic was on and that the viewing audience could hear her, making it all the more groanworthy when she was all "This is my dear old friend Gina Tognoni!!!!"

I love Susan Haskell, and was thrilled that she won, but her speech was kind of incoherent. But not as incoherent as Anne Heche at the 1992 Soap Opera Digest Awards....oh if only the internet was prevalent then!! Thorsten Kaye seemed....how shall i put this....less then enthused...about her win.

Another emmmy for Guza and his crappy writing. Guess we will never be rid of him.

"P.S. James Scott is a sex god."

Amen to that!

When GH was announced for outstanding writing, I literally stood up and screamed. That they were even nominated boggles my mind.

I don't have much to say except that I adore Bradford Anderson in glasses, and Betty White is one of my favorite actresses of all time!

WORD to your commentary on the Emmys. I must say, I FF'd through a lot because I only watch GH and didn't care much about other shows or characters, but I did watch outstanding actress. I used to love Tamara Braun on GH, so I was interested to see if she'd win, which she did. Was it me or did she look pissed off to have won? She kept looking at the people around her with this "WTF" look on her fact, and not in the "wow, I can't believe I won" way, but the "what the fuck were they thinking" way. It was kind of weird!!

Although I have received much flack for my "Boycott Spinelli" post on BradfordAnderson.net, never let it be said that I didn't used to LOVE the Spinelli character, nor that I don't still heart Bradford Anderson. I was rooting for him to win the Emmy. He and his fiance were friggin' adorable, and the way he brought the box out for Bindi Irwin to stand on was too precious. Bindi Irwin is creepy, though, I'm sorry. As Eric says on True Blood, she is a "teacup human."

I also loved the Sesame Street tribute, but where was Grover? Kermit? The Count? Bert and Ernie? Are those characters no longer on the show? My daughter is 16, so we haven't been regular watchers for awhile, and though I HAVE been known to still catch an episode when I'm sick with the flu, that hasn't happened in awhile. Therefore, I am perplexed as to the absence of these characters from the tribute.

BETTY WHITE ROCKS BIG TIME!!! Please let her live forever, Lord. I just think she is the most awesome human on earth. Truly. "I haven't been this upset since they stopped making Walnettos." LOL!

I agree the Fashion Show was AWK-TO-THE-WARD. Like they aren't shoving the "Niz" pairing down our throats enough on the show but to have them awkwardly "catwalk" together? Really? They are gorgeous, though, I'll give them that.

Did you also catch the extra-long promo for the "Carnival" shenanigans on GH? The only thing positive I can say so far is that they DO appear to actually BE on location! It does not look CGI'd or sound staged, and that hasn't happened on GH in years. And, honestly, I would be pretty happy with a little cheestastic-on-location goodness from GH. I miss the Ice Princess and the Cassadines trying to freeze the world. So sue me.

Now off to check out your best and worst dressed list! As much as I loved Sandra Oh's speech about her appearance on Sesame Street, she HAS to be on the worst dressed list for her trailer-park maternity frock, right?

It's a shame an actor as adorable and mega talented as Bradford is saddled w/ the character of Spinelli. But that really isn't the problem. The problem is that the writers refuse to let Spinelli grow up at all, he becomes more one note and more goofball (w/ out the cute) every damn episode. If he says "courtly love" or tries to refuse/deny himself sex as a breathing young man one more time I am gonna flip the shit out!

This Emmy's broadcast really was just an attempt for the CW to bring in new, possibly older, viewers. All the pimping of the fall line up was sad. The CW "stars" as presenters... equally sad. But the Tyra crap, unreal and offensive. WE KNOW YOU HAVE A MODELING SHOW ALREADY. Why humiliate the soap actors even more by making them fake photo shoots just to pimp ANTM?

HOWEVER, Chrishell Straus looked HOT!!!! I'd do her, and I am a straight woman :-) Plus, being in that sad number gets you a trip to the gift lounge for freebies :-) Tyler admitted that is why he even went!! Loving that honesty Tyler.

I miss Grover and Snuffaloughagus :-(

You know James Scott is a giant, right?

Jay Kenneth Johnson is 6 feet tall. James Scott is a giant... well, a giant sex god.

I did not watch. I could not find CW. I still voted in your polls.

I saw Christell Stause in that white bikini. Wow! The girl is gorgeous and her body is incredible.

GH winning for best writing was the worse. Could see that one coming a mile away.

I was happy that Bradford Anderson did not win. I hate Spinelli. He is should not be a romantic leading man. He is annoying, ruined Maxie and fugly as hell.

Kudos to Julie Berman and Tamara Braun on their wins.

I think Debbie Morgan was robbed.

That Sesame Street tribute was just wonderful. It made me cry. And I think the part I love the most is the celebrity-filled audience's faces when the cast was singing. They looked so joyful, as if they were still little kids.

Here's the thing I do not understand about awards shows....they put on an endless dance number that no one wants to see and cut off the clips and acceptance speeches that people do want to see. It's perverse! I was really glad to see Susan Haskell win. I still love the love story between Patrick and Marty and the fact that it continues between Thorsten and Susan really warms my heart.

Your awards were much better and made more sense that the ones on TV. GH best writing? Are we living in some bizarro universe where that is possible? The writing is so bad that even the soap press is taking notice! And to see the people up there praising Bob Guza. I almost passed out in disbelief.

danny, I am a giant, too, so I consider most people wee!

It was all that bad & even worse! You pretty much nailed it, but may I add that my own favorite actor, Thorsten Kaye, not only did not win & I thought he had an amazing year, but never even got a mention from NB & JG! I was appalled! This great actor was snubbed & my heart bled for him.
On the plus side, at least his gorgeous wife won. I don't think I've ever witnessed a worse awards show in my life.

You nailed it. I loved the Sesame Street Tribute and Betty White. Love her loads. TFGH for writing is just awful. I demand a recount.

Can you guys produce the award show next year? This was WAY better than the crap that I witnessed Sunday night.

Also I couldn't agree more about you with the McGraws. I cringe whenever I see them seperatly let alone together.

BINDI IRWIN?!? Why? And I know we all have to love her because of How Sad Her Father's Death was, but I think she looks like a troll doll with some defrizzing shampoo. If she had ripped Bob Guza apart for trying to pass her bridge without paying her toll, though, all would be forgiven.

Rene-according to the new issue of SOW, the 'carnival' was set up in the parking lot of the studio where GH is shot (so sayeth John Ingle in his side-bar interview). My only thought, after seeing the clips from it was that GH is going to kill yet another kid or one of the few remaining Q's left :-(

Oh Jesus, txrus, REALLY? In the PARKING LOT? Well, I suppose that's still somewhat "on location," right? I am really grasping at straws here, aren't I?

Please let them kill Rebecca and Claudia...please, please, please, please............

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