19th Nervous Breakdown
It seems that each and every Pine Valley resident is well on his or her way to a spectacular mental breakdown. This is wholly unsurprising, since the character arc of each and every Pine Valley resident has been "Bad stuff happens, badly. And then comes the terrible stuff!" since Charles Pratt's writing began in earnest. Naturally a mental break is the next logical step! But must they happen all at once?
RANDI is TORTURED by her betrayal of Frankie/maybe murdering North/losing her baby/losing the baby that she found in an alley and is driven to moping blankly!
FRANKIE is TORTURED by Randi turning to Jesse for guidance with these issues and is driven to drinking martinis at the casino with Madison!
SCOTT is TORTURED by steamy thoughts of his uncle's future wife, and copes by wandering around their mansion in his underwear!
KENDALL is TORTURED by being imprisoned by Zach in lieu of being imprisoned by a federal penitentiary for a crime that she did not commit, and passionately kisses Zach!
ZACH is TORTURED by something Kendall related, and responds to her kiss by full-body shuddering!
AMANDA is TORTURED because her life is a mess completely of her own making, and is sad and silent!
MALLORY is TORTURED by this show and is thisclose to chucking her television out the window!
I have tried to care about Frankie and Randi. I want to care! Frankie is a Hubbard, and I love the Hubbards, and they are both so pretty, and yet I'm reasonably sure that the only thing I care about LESS than these two dopes is the Kardashian family. And even that is probably going to change soon, if only because Kourtney Kardashian finds herself precariously close to being placed on my list of enemies (really, she is famous because she has a sister who is famous for, in the words of Joel McHale, having a big ass and a sex tape, so I am not sure why we are informed every time she and her fetus step outside or speak).
Frankie is, perhaps, the whiniest person in all of soaps. Even when you sympathize with him over his current situation, he squanders all of your good will by overdramatically denouncing life and moaning that his is the worst life, ever. During his endless ranting to Madison, who is actually one of my favorite characters right now (interpret that statement however you'd like), I realized I have no idea what he is actually complaining about this time. Something about Randi, and Jesse, and...that's really all I got out of it, because my mind started wandering to more interesting things, like what drink to get at Starbucks in the morning, and what time I should plan on doing laundry.
LUCKILY, a Frankie story means that Angie will get involved (because the writers can't be assed to give her a story of her own. Apparently a fierce doctor played by one of the best actresses in all of soaps is meant to be a dayplayer), and her figurative and literal smackdowns yesterday were beautiful.
Angie: Randi, what is wrong with you? You don't watch your husband go to a hotel room with another woman, you follow them. You lay holy hell into them, and you stop him from doing something that he'll regret forever.
I love her. Between that, and her slap of Madison heard all around the world (literally. That was the loudest smack I've heard in some time), my new dream is that someone takes a cue from Angie and confronts Pratt about his assery.
So...if I'm understanding things correctly, we are supposed to feel bad for Jake and Amanda, who are now separated because David forced Amanda and TrevorDavid Jr. to move in with him in exchange for not pressing charges against them for the whole baby death faking thing. Amanda is sad (even her normally voluminous hair is sad and flat!) and Jake is angry enough to take his aggression out on walls and hospital equipment (not to mention calling Tad and Marissa to tattle on David for being mean), and it's all because of that time they were...held at gunpoint and forced to make a series of insane, dangerous and ludicrous decisions involving a child? Did I miss that episode? Because from what I've seen, this entire clusterfuck is entirely their fault. They would not be in this terrible position if they weren't both MORONS.
And please don't interpret this as my feeling that David is in the right! I don't think that David should be trusted with the care of pet rocks, let alone a small person whose mind he would mold! I have terrifying visions of TrevorDavid Jr.'s first birthday, where the baby accompanies his father on a mission to tie a damsel to a train track. Assuming that AMC is still on when the baby has his first birthday...
Where was I? Oh, right. I think that all three characters are equally wrong, and awful, and that custody of Trevor David Jr. should go to one of the more responsible and upstanding members of Pine Valley society. Like Spike.
I didn't include Annie on the list of characters on the verge of a breakdown, because whatever is going on in her psyche is too complicated for me to even armchair diagnose. Bitch crazy, basically.
But Scott is beginning to find her crazy like a fox, or foxy, at the very least, as he is unable to sleep at night without having tawdry fantasies about Adam's future wife. And then sauntering around the house in his boxers. And then making out with her. And he's Adam's best man! This better lead to Adam being knocked back into the real world, and going on a yelling binge, or else...I will complain about it in this blog!
Also, memo to Scott: some people can look like pale, red-eyed, exhausted hell for reasons not related to alcohol, douche!
Scott: I'm sorry that your dad chose me to be best man. You know, I finally get it -- the alcohol thing. I tell you, man, living in that house would drive anyone to drink.
J.R.: For the last time, Scott, I'm not drinking.
Scott: Then why do you look like hell?
For example, it is possible that JR is tired. Or has Swine flue. Or is a vampire. Don't jump right to the drinking! Especially because when you find out he has cancer, you're going to feel like a total ass.
I am hesitant to even ask this question, because I'm sure that the writers will seize upon it as a dare, but I have to know: how many times do you think it is possible for Zach and Kendall to have the exact same conversation? They kiss, he pushes her away, she apologizes for sleeping with Ryan, he broods. It's not like it's particularly complex, so I'm unsure why the writers feel it necessary to repeat it in hopes that we understand their great vision.
Of course, it is possible that the writers are just treading water for a few weeks until they decide how this story will progress. Who am I kidding, that is exactly what is happening. I just wish that the lazy writers would go full throttle with their lazy writing, and at least let Alicia Minshew and Thorsten Kaye ad-lib, or have scenes full of quotes from famous movies. Although that does run the risk of reminding viewers what quality entertainment is like, and they swear off AMC forever...